What age do you tell your child?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: la la land
Posts: 196
What age do you tell your child?
My son is five (just turned) and he has only seen his daddy drunk. His daddy came tonight and he was drunk, I could smell it and you could easily see it on his face and in his eyes. I could see disappointment in my son's eyes even though he doesn't know what is wrong with him. My son see's my frustration. My husband came 3 hours to see them. He knew my rule to NOT drink when he comes over but this is one of every time he has done it. So I had to have him leave which hurt the kids. They are 4,3,3. I haven't posted here in a while. I kinda let him go and focused on me and the kids. His visits get further and further apart. Should I explain to my son and if so what should I say...how do I phrase it properly. He is very smart but I don't want to overload him with information that he doesn't get. He doesn't know what alcohol is, or drunk though he has heard the words. Any help would be good. Thanks so much if you post back.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Thanks Soul Catcher - This is a question I have pondered so often - I've even thought about seeking professional help to figure out the answer. I am about to divorce my AH, and my biggest fear (warning: codie thought to follow) is that I will not be around to monitor his behavior/consumption when he has his time with the kids (visitation, or whatever we end up working out). I will have primary custody, I can assure you - but, what do you do when you are not around and have no way of controlling what happens when you're not there???? I'm so afraid of this. My AH does not get fall down, crazy drunk... but, he is drunk.. and he plays too rough sometimes, short tempered or insensitive to a child's mentality...As it is now I am able to mitigate the impacts of this, but I am very worried about after the divorce. I'm especially concerned that he will spiral downward because he is still in denial that this is really happening...and I think when he finally realized 'this is for real'...he is going to be very angry and blaming towards me. But, back to the original question.. since I wont be around to monitor if he is acting drunk, etc. when he has visitation - I wont know if I need to address it with the kids or explain anything. They are only 4 and 5, so they don't understand the concept, and they may just think he is acting normal, since obviously they've rarely seen him not drinking (except in the mornings). he comes home with a beer every night, and drinks until they go to bed.
Didn't mean to hijack the thread...and I thank you for the question. Again, this is one of the few fears I actually have left...
Didn't mean to hijack the thread...and I thank you for the question. Again, this is one of the few fears I actually have left...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
I discussed this with my therapist when I was deciding what to tell my very smart 6 year old. We did not use the words alcohol or drunk, since we don't use those words around the house.
I had decided to tell her that Daddy sometimes has trouble being calm and being quiet and being in control of his body. That when he is loud and hyper, it is best to leave him alone until he calms down.
Of course, I planned this conversation and told my husband that we needed to talk to our daughter. It was soon after that he decided to go to rehab and has now been sober for over a month. So we never did talk to her about it.
Since he has been sober, the change in the children responding to him is amazing. They were scared of him. NOt because he was abusive (he was the completely NOT), he was just loud and hyper and inconsistent. Now he is calm and focused and loving and they are learning to trust that he will be like that EVERY time they interact with him. So am I....
So yes...you should talk to your child, although I would first talk to a conselor about the best way to approach it with your situation.
Jenny
I had decided to tell her that Daddy sometimes has trouble being calm and being quiet and being in control of his body. That when he is loud and hyper, it is best to leave him alone until he calms down.
Of course, I planned this conversation and told my husband that we needed to talk to our daughter. It was soon after that he decided to go to rehab and has now been sober for over a month. So we never did talk to her about it.
Since he has been sober, the change in the children responding to him is amazing. They were scared of him. NOt because he was abusive (he was the completely NOT), he was just loud and hyper and inconsistent. Now he is calm and focused and loving and they are learning to trust that he will be like that EVERY time they interact with him. So am I....
So yes...you should talk to your child, although I would first talk to a conselor about the best way to approach it with your situation.
Jenny
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
I have a kids ages 20, 19, 8 and 5.
The 8 year old knows about alcohol and that it makes dad sick. She knows it is like a bad drug. It does make her sad.
The 5 year old knows dad is sick. That when he drinks alcohol, it makes his brain not work right. She doesn't really understand much more than that.
We didn't start talking about it with the older two until they were about 10 and 12. They already knew, but they were able to get educated about alcohol which we all really needed at that time.
Two of the four kids (the 8 and 19 year old) felt like they themselves had done something wrong to make dad drink. So, that is probably the biggest thing I can convey is to make it very clear that this isn't their fault - and their daddy loves them. As they get older and get more educated about alcoholism, they will eventually understand that dad loves them, but he just is incapable of showing it when he is "in" his addiction.
I also think at some point when they are teenagers, they should know they have the right to say "i am not getting in a car with you today becuase you have been drinking".
My 8 year old should not have that responsibility, she is too young. So, it is my responsibility to keep her safe.
Take care!
The 8 year old knows about alcohol and that it makes dad sick. She knows it is like a bad drug. It does make her sad.
The 5 year old knows dad is sick. That when he drinks alcohol, it makes his brain not work right. She doesn't really understand much more than that.
We didn't start talking about it with the older two until they were about 10 and 12. They already knew, but they were able to get educated about alcohol which we all really needed at that time.
Two of the four kids (the 8 and 19 year old) felt like they themselves had done something wrong to make dad drink. So, that is probably the biggest thing I can convey is to make it very clear that this isn't their fault - and their daddy loves them. As they get older and get more educated about alcoholism, they will eventually understand that dad loves them, but he just is incapable of showing it when he is "in" his addiction.
I also think at some point when they are teenagers, they should know they have the right to say "i am not getting in a car with you today becuase you have been drinking".
My 8 year old should not have that responsibility, she is too young. So, it is my responsibility to keep her safe.
Take care!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: somewhere far away
Posts: 27
Wow, I needed this post. I have a six year old. My AH manages to stay sober for about three days, and then he drinks. He isn't getting really drunk like before, just can tell he has been drinking. When he drinks, he too in my opinion plays too rough or is really hyper. I always was assuming my son didn't notice, I guess that was more of me being in denial. I bet he does sense it, especially cuz things between my AH and me are so tense. I was kind of hoping I wouldn't have to have the talk, but it looks like things aren't going to be changing at my house, so maybe I should consider it. I would like to leave my AH but I have so many problems with him getting any kind of unsupervised custody. He is not an abusive A, but he gets to the point that he is wreckless, and will pass out at the end of the night so hard that there is no waking him up,and that is when I am home. If I have to leave for business, which I do about once a year. I take my son to my parents, and I when I call him to see how he is, he is really drunk to the point that the next day he will ask me why I didn't call the night before. So him being alone and then having custody of the kids....yikes. Does anyone know if you can divorce and not let the AH have any unsupervised custody because of the alcoholism, especially since there hasn't been any abuse? The other thing is that no one besides my parents really know that he is an A. We hide him pretty well, at least I think we do. He went to therapy once and they talked about it there, but that is confidential, and then we talked about it with the pastor, but same thing, confidential.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I am amazed that people still think their kids are unaware of what is going on in their own homes! Kids are very aware of the most subtle conditions in their enviroments.....I bet if you asked any of these kids what they know about drinking or what daddy does at night when he gets home that their answers might floor you!!!
Just ask them....they know....don't pretend with them cause they know!!!! I believe this belief that kids do not know what is going on actually creates denial systems!!!
When my H started using crack my kid was the one who made me aware!!! I knew something was wrong!!! My 9 year old told me speciffically what the problem was!!!! I am very glad that I never treated him like he did not know what was going on from the time he was an infant I talked to him about everything that was going on. A friend once wanted to smoke pot at my house when my son was 3 months old while he was asleep I told her no because the baby was in the house she began telling me that he would not know because he was too young. I told her no again then she said then I'll go out side if that is how you feel about it, I said not in my yard or anywhere on my property!! She left for which i was glad. My son has made me aware of so many things in my life and I am very gald that I always promoted his awareness....and helped him to trust his own good preceptions. Try it you might be amazed!!!
Just ask them....they know....don't pretend with them cause they know!!!! I believe this belief that kids do not know what is going on actually creates denial systems!!!
When my H started using crack my kid was the one who made me aware!!! I knew something was wrong!!! My 9 year old told me speciffically what the problem was!!!! I am very glad that I never treated him like he did not know what was going on from the time he was an infant I talked to him about everything that was going on. A friend once wanted to smoke pot at my house when my son was 3 months old while he was asleep I told her no because the baby was in the house she began telling me that he would not know because he was too young. I told her no again then she said then I'll go out side if that is how you feel about it, I said not in my yard or anywhere on my property!! She left for which i was glad. My son has made me aware of so many things in my life and I am very gald that I always promoted his awareness....and helped him to trust his own good preceptions. Try it you might be amazed!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: la la land
Posts: 196
What sad stories. I had to shake my head at how inconsiterate the alcoholic can really be. I guess a wisly planned out talk is in order. I might right it down and read it a few times so I know he'll understand what I am saying. I know it's a sickness, what I don't understand is WHY they don't even have one second of clearity to recognize the hurt they cause their kids. I don't care about me at this point because I am over it and have let him go emotionally. However he left children to hurt. My husband also has another child that I have to go pick up (because I want to) in a few weeks. He would like to see his father but knows he's not living with us because of his drinking. He is 13. His mother is an alcoholic and so is his father. I am the step mother who wants to be whatever mother I can for him. He is raised by his grandmother, there are five kids in that family and they live in a stinky mess. He doesn't want to come live with me because he loves his other brothers and sisters and I understand that. I know I can't take the place of his father and I hope being here is good enough for him. I'm sure he knows about his father but I will talk more indepth about it. He's only here maybe one time a year for a week. He only lives three hours away....sad huh? I do what I can. If anyone talks to a counselor could you ask what is the best way to tell a young child this situation? Thanks for your stories, its really sad to know how many of us are out there. Lots of love.
Finding Strength
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Boston , MA
Posts: 91
I work with children and I have to agree with splendra.....children are amazing little creatures.....they know when something is going on. I taught Kindergarten for a few years at all day non-profit program for low income and children in protective custody, I am still there(12 years) but no longer in the classroom. We used to talk a lot about self control in the classroom and the importance for each person to be resposible for their own actions.....IMO it is never too young to explain the situation in simple terms..Mommy/daddy has a problem with his/her self control...or even...Mommy/daddy are not feeling well......have you noticed? Depending on the understanding of that a conversation will develop and just answer as honest as you can...if you get stumped just say ...I am not sure I know how to answer that but I will think about it and let you know....And make sure you do. Trust me...you will feel so much better and your child will too. (Some children would rather play with toys while they are talking and will act out what they are feeling....and then begin to talk).
They need to count on you to be honest with them. When children feel something is being hidden from them (not birthday presents)...It gives them negative emotions...including guilt, low self esteem and examples of dishonest behavior. Take a ride, go get an ice cream and start talking.
Good Luck
Hugs
Michelle
They need to count on you to be honest with them. When children feel something is being hidden from them (not birthday presents)...It gives them negative emotions...including guilt, low self esteem and examples of dishonest behavior. Take a ride, go get an ice cream and start talking.
Good Luck
Hugs
Michelle
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: AK
Posts: 143
When my daughter was 6 she heard a conversation I was having with my husband on the phone. He called to say he would be staying at a friends house because he had to much to drink. I did not realize she was within hearing distance and I told him not to bother comeing home at all. When I got off the phone she walked into the room and asked "Is daddy drunk again." WHOA.
When my son was aboout 8 I came home from shopping and asked where is dad. My son told me he was at a friends house and he was probly drunk. I asked him what would make him say such a thing and his reply was " Dad is always drunk when he is around Fred" Don't underestimate the powers of perception that your kids have. They take in everything they see and what you don't see.
Talk to a counselor who may be able to advise you on the best way to talk to your child.
My children are now 18 and 15. They still see what happens but they don't say anything. They love us both very much and they can see the hurt that the alcohol has caused. My son gives me my daily hug and my daughter calls and comes over often. They do not talk to their dad very much but when they do it is always a good conversation.
Lots of hugs for you
Zoe
When my son was aboout 8 I came home from shopping and asked where is dad. My son told me he was at a friends house and he was probly drunk. I asked him what would make him say such a thing and his reply was " Dad is always drunk when he is around Fred" Don't underestimate the powers of perception that your kids have. They take in everything they see and what you don't see.
Talk to a counselor who may be able to advise you on the best way to talk to your child.
My children are now 18 and 15. They still see what happens but they don't say anything. They love us both very much and they can see the hurt that the alcohol has caused. My son gives me my daily hug and my daughter calls and comes over often. They do not talk to their dad very much but when they do it is always a good conversation.
Lots of hugs for you
Zoe
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
I agree with Splendra too.
Your son knows what's going on. Just be there for him and answer all his questions as honestly as possible. He will be okay.
Your son knows what's going on. Just be there for him and answer all his questions as honestly as possible. He will be okay.
Last edited by JessicaNAJ; 02-26-2005 at 05:36 PM.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
We can never underestimate the intelligence of our children. They too feel distance between mom and dad. And the tension and sadness. Remember, they're little sponges. They pick up quickly.
Soul...lots of wonderful ideas. One that I heard was telling them that daddy was sick. I don't how that would work. Never tried it. Always thought my son was too young to understand. He now is 25 and recovering too.
Consider taking your children to alatot and alateen meetings. If possible talk to a counsellor who is familiar with alcoholism. There are lots out there that know little or nothing about the disease. Beware!!! I ran into one of them years ago and he put the blame for my husband's boozing on me. Of course, this guy no longer practices psychiatry and had his license pulled. That was before they pulled his surgical license.
Also, take care of yourself too. Be well so you can take care of your little ones.
Blessings
Soul...lots of wonderful ideas. One that I heard was telling them that daddy was sick. I don't how that would work. Never tried it. Always thought my son was too young to understand. He now is 25 and recovering too.
Consider taking your children to alatot and alateen meetings. If possible talk to a counsellor who is familiar with alcoholism. There are lots out there that know little or nothing about the disease. Beware!!! I ran into one of them years ago and he put the blame for my husband's boozing on me. Of course, this guy no longer practices psychiatry and had his license pulled. That was before they pulled his surgical license.
Also, take care of yourself too. Be well so you can take care of your little ones.
Blessings
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
I agree with all of the above totally.
And, I know someone above wasn't specifically talking to me, but I do feel the need to explain a bit more. I did NOT speak to my older two kids until they were young teens, because i didn't really know any better. I wish I had known better back then.
But, with my two little ones now, I do know better. I didn't intend for my above post to sound like I was beating around the bush, or not telling my children. I just don't think my 5 year old understands yet. She knows the word alcohol and she knows it is bad and she knows it makes daddy's brain not work right. That's really about all she understands right now. The 8 year old knows EVERYTHING...She knows the word addiction too and all that it entails. She even knows now since I finally had a talk with her about 2 months ago about how daddy was drinking when they had the horrible accident 3 years ago. Back when it happened, she had her 5th birthday in the hospital, and again, a 4-5 year old just doesn't really understand. So we need to feed them information appropriate for their age. I would say around the age of 6 for most kids is a time when most can understand. I just don't think a 4 year old is mature enough to understand all the details.
But again, I would stress even though WE may think our kiddos are okay, they still need to know none of this is their fault.
And, I know someone above wasn't specifically talking to me, but I do feel the need to explain a bit more. I did NOT speak to my older two kids until they were young teens, because i didn't really know any better. I wish I had known better back then.
But, with my two little ones now, I do know better. I didn't intend for my above post to sound like I was beating around the bush, or not telling my children. I just don't think my 5 year old understands yet. She knows the word alcohol and she knows it is bad and she knows it makes daddy's brain not work right. That's really about all she understands right now. The 8 year old knows EVERYTHING...She knows the word addiction too and all that it entails. She even knows now since I finally had a talk with her about 2 months ago about how daddy was drinking when they had the horrible accident 3 years ago. Back when it happened, she had her 5th birthday in the hospital, and again, a 4-5 year old just doesn't really understand. So we need to feed them information appropriate for their age. I would say around the age of 6 for most kids is a time when most can understand. I just don't think a 4 year old is mature enough to understand all the details.
But again, I would stress even though WE may think our kiddos are okay, they still need to know none of this is their fault.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: la la land
Posts: 196
We had "the talk"
I had my son come into my room and I turned off the tv and sad I really have to talk to you about something. I explained how daddy was sick because of something called alcohol, I said while some people can drink it others can not. He asked how it made him sick....sick to his tummy? I said no in his brain. I told him that the reason that mommy makes daddy leave is because I do not want him to fall down on them or hurt mommy so it's better if he leaves. He said ok. He said but I want my daddy to stay, I said I understood and I wanted him to stay too but it was my job as a mommy to keep him and his sisters safe no matter what, even if that is telling daddy to go.I told him it wasn't his fault at all and mommy and daddy loved him and his sister very much and that I hope one day daddy gets better. After he had a few question and I answered he ended it by saying he wanted to watch the weather channel so we could go to the beach the next day. I guess I did a good job. I hugged him very tight and told him that he was my best friend and I loved him heart and soul. He hasn't mentioned daddy at all. My ah hasn't lived with us in a long time so he's used to him not being here.So thanks to all of you...I threw in alot of what you said. I hope your lives get better too. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
soul - little by little we can and must all do what we can to be educated and educate our children about this disease so that they will hopefully grow up healthy. hats off to you for taking steps to stop the viscious cycle.
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