Scrapiron73

Hi everyone newbie here.
Please excuse my grammar I'm not very good at it.I could really do with some help in the way I'm feeling at the moment so any advice is welcome.I've been in and out of a relationship with EXAGF for many years 22 to be correct. so I'll start with a bit of a back story.we first met when I was 28 she was 19 and beautiful looking. it was a complete whirlwind romance, everything moved so fast and was unlike any relationship I've ever experienced before. i was hooked, she moved in with me that week (I know im sitting here with head in hands) it was amazing fun, unpredictable, and exiting all in one. She also has bpd. (If only I knew then what I know now) ill get straight to it. yes she's a alcoholic.Anyway ive been through it all as you could imagine. ive tried to help her, shes been in and out of rehab 4x I've tried controlling the drink, drinking with her holding back funds you name it ive done it ! In fact Im a grandmaster at it. She's dissappered so many times from as little as 2days to 2months maybe longer. sometimes with other men ! (I know I feel like a right mug here as I sit writing this). anyway 4 children later nothing had changed untill eventually i took the kids legally when my last child was born, this was some 12 year ago. I was on my own with 3 boys and a new born baby girl.I quit work and with help from family and savings manage to do ok with the situation I found myself in.The AGF was always in the background at a distance but never gone .she always blamed me from taking her children away, along with many other things ! but her words were she still loved me and I was the only one ! she could never be with anyone else! Yeah right !!! so moving forward to present.We were still seeing each other but only on the conditions that she drank beer. This actually worked. no vodka no cider ! they were here JEKYLL & HYDE drinks, on either of them she would walk around the house talking to herself mumbling repeating herself bumping into things and would be very confrontational bringing up the past looking for fights whilst being extremely aggressive and loud and she would do all this whilst looking into her phone listening to sad music. So anyway the last 6months for me have been getting very difficult so much so that I could barely tolerate her, i think her metal health is getting much worse and the beer is now affecting her in the same way spirits would (this could possibly be due to her liver) So i would find myself taking her home after only a couple of nights of staying.when home she would hit the vodka and cider "HARD" this would always result in her ending up in hospital on the detox wing. That was 4wks ago when she last went into hospital on the Thursday.Normally she would call me every hr (OCD) all through the day and night, i would have to tell her to stop or I'll block her this normally worked ! but I heard nothing ? so tried to call her on the Fri but no answer, then sat no answer untill sat evening I get a call from her quite arrogantly and full of herself saying that she doesn't want to be with me anymore and that she's with someone new and loves him now and that he's better looking than me and treats her right (hes actually not ive seen him he looks 10yrs older than me has no teeth and looks like shes found a weathered tramp living on the streets and took him home. I know hes just another enabler and the only reason shes with him isnt because she loves him its because he will let her drink what and when she wants, Hes also a drinker. Anyway ive had the new boyfriend on the phone to me saying and doing the new saviour boyfriend things "chest puffing" and knight in shining armour routine whilst EXAGF is in the background laughing, almost encouraging hes behaviour !I have since blocked her, the point I'm trying to make is that this time I'm struggling to understand my feelings as to why I don't feel like a complete wreck as I have in done in the past when she's behaved this way. I'm actually finding it quite easy going no contact and feel like I'm not that bothered by her recent choices. I do miss her but nothing like the other times, I actually feel like I can leave her for good ! ive even joined a gym and started running again all in 4wks that was something she bullied me in to stopping after our first child.
So the question im asking. Is it normal to feel like this ? Why this time am I not falling apart and struggling like all the other times ? I'm so confused has anyone else been through this ? Is it possible ive just had enough and really didn't want this anymore ? any help appreciated.

Dee74

Hi and welcome to SR scrapiron
I moved your post here so you'll get the most relevant responses

I think everyone has their final straw - and it sounds like this is yours?

I think it's a healthy way to feel...as she is, she's not offering anything good to you or your children.

D

LucyIntheGarden

Hello Scrapiron,

I have heard the phrase "some alcoholics just grow out of their drinking." I don't know whether that's true or not regarding drinking, but it could be true for volatile relationships such as yours. Is it possible that you have actually matured over time? One would hope so.

I look back at my life, my early adulthood, even middle adulthood, and I just shake my head at some of the things I did then. I say to myself, "What were you thinking???" I find I am more compassionate as a result when I see people behaving as if they have lost all sense. Perhaps you have somehow gained some sense over the years.

I also think that some souls simply have some karma to work out between them while they're here. Maybe they get it done in this life. Maybe they don't and take things into the next. It's the only way I can wrap my head around why two people who have a tortured relationship for DECADES would still keep at it. I have to just think, sometimes, they're meant to, they're working something out from a long long time ago. All the advice in the world won't make them re-set their course.

Being around alcoholics is not good for our bodies (aside from our minds). It's good you are running. (Which might be symbolic as well).

Bekindalways

Welcome Scrapiron although I am truly sorry for what you have been through. It does sound like a ton of really hard times.

You are a wise man to know this:
"the only reason shes with him isnt because she loves him its because he will let her drink what and when she wants,"

Yep her first love is alcohol. No human will ever compete with this.

I hope you find lots of support here. Many years of dealing with addicts on this forum.

Courage to you with whatever comes down the line.

trailmix

Hi scrapiron. We all change over time. We have experiences, we learn, we mature, hopefully get wiser!

You might not have noticed that, over that same time, you have started to distance yourself emotionally from her. That's normal. It can be hard when you are in a less than stellar relationship, alcoholic or not, to just pull yourself out of the situation because you know it's the best thing, because you are still so emotionally attached.

It sounds like, you have just landed in the - I don't care spot. That's normal. No one can keep hurting you over and over without at least some detachment happening, it's self preservation, you've just finally had enough.; You might still care for her on some level (or not) but the relationship is done.

I hope you are feeling good about where you are at now. You've been through a lot.

Scrapiron73

thank you dee for directing me to the correct forum.
Yes I totally agree with you about not offering anything to me and children although 3 of them are now young adults and are all doing very well in life.

I think you could be right about my final straw I'm actually feeling OK about things and with her not in the picture is giving me time to think and disect everything I've been through. before my only goal was just about saving her, getting her back and her needs, this time things feel different.

Scrapiron73

wow !!! lucy in the garden.
thanks for this reply especially the part about "running being symbolic" this really hit me hard !!! it actually made me feel something so much so that I cried but in a good way almost like relief, i actually couldn't see it untill you pointed it out . Thank you 😊

Scrapiron73

Trailmix Thanks for the reply
yes you are right I definitely have been distancing my self from her purely because her mental health was affecting mine i really couldn't take her being around for more than 2days at a time and yes I do care about her but I'm guessing I'm just at a point in my life now were I care more about me and my families health I'm actually trying very hard to not to beat myself up as to why I never left sooner I suppose you could say im dealing with the aftermath of not being in a toxic relationship anymore...!

mattmathews

When I got married, I felt like I was with someone who was way out of my league. When the alcoholism got bad, then worse, then really, really bad I stayed in the relationship. There were lots of reasons for that, but one of them was that I didn't feel like I deserved better.

After 28 years, my spouse went into rehab (and has stayed sober since, thank god). By then, I had also hit my bottom. I consider myself lucky to have found a group (Al-anon) that promised to love me until I could learn to love myself. I took advantage of that and discovered I love hugs! My family didn't do hugs. Mostly still don't.

One of the things I started working on immediately was "self-care." I had really neglected myself. Maybe partly because I thought my spouse should have loved me more than the alcohol (and I resented that she didn't), certainly partly because I was so focused on my wife's addiction that I didn't have time for myself, and partly because taking care of myself felt selfish.

If taking care of myself was selfish, I spent a lot of the next 4 years being "selfish." Time well spent. I grew mentally, emotionally & spiritually. I became and am becoming a better person. A better parent and grandparent. Progress.
Keep up the running, and whatever else nourishes you! My experience is that it helps to be part of a community of like minded folks. Maybe for you that's here. Maybe its a running group. It helped me to learn that I didn't have to do it alone (and I was such a loner)!

My very best wishes on your journey.

Scrapiron73

Mattmathews thank you for your time in reading my story your reply was very wholesome and I will definitely take into account everything you have said.
Its so nice to know that your not alone in these situations and with a little time and self love people can actually get through these dark times. You really are all a inspiration.
big hug to you my friend and Best of luck to you on your journey and thanks again.

Scrapiron73

thank you bekindalways.
everyone on here has been so supportive and I have really found it helpful I'm pretty
Sure that in the next coming months I will be on her quiet alot

trailmix

I hope you won't beat yourself up! It is possible. We all (well many of us humans) stay in relationships, at some point, whether that is a romantic relationship or even a friendship, well past when we should have, because it is so damn hard to let go of people. But you have. There is always something to learn, of course and that's ok too.

It's hugely painful to let go of something when you are still so emotionally attached. It's why so many struggle with leaving an alcoholic. I think it's especially hard because there are still bits and pieces of the person you knew that show themselves. But eventually, that becomes - not enough.

You also have children, which, of course, complicates things even more. But now, not having her around at all is actually also really good for them. Theoretically, they should never see her now when she is drinking. It has a big impact on children, more than you think it does on the surface.

So good for you for halting the madness. It may have taken longer than you would have liked, in hindsight, but you've done it!

Bekindalways

Let us know how you get on Scrapiron.

Also keep practicing that constructive selfishness. Taking time to eat well, enjoy a hobby and exercise is constructive selffishness in my book. Even Jesus Christ himself occasionally had it with the crowds and took off across the sea of Galilee with his buddies.

It is always good to have more folks hear dealing with our particular set of circumstances. Relationships with addicts are just not intuitive

Eauchiche

Hello Scrapiron and everyone!!!
I really wish they had not taken down the "like" button off this site. I would have "liked" everything posted here so far.
Scrapiron, I'm going to add my 2cents. Your situation has some things that parallel stuff I have walked away from.
Your exGF sounds like one of my sisters. I spent years trying to figure out why she was so crazy and starting fights with me. Throw in the other sister, who is her cat's paw, and you have quite the tag team.
At a point in time, I was speculating that she might be the way she was because she was an alcoholic. Then, I reached the place in my head where I just didn't care why she was what she was.
I severed all contact with both sisters 7-1/2 years ago. I have not regretted this decision one time.

Fast forward to now. I am in the process of job hunting 2500 miles away. My town has started to remind me of my sisters.....
I wish you all the best in your path to freedom.

dbyrer

You feel differently because you are finally done. It happened.

Scrapiron73

Hi everyone just though I would do a update.

AS it stands everthing is pretty much still the same
there has been no contact and she is still blocked on my behalf. Although I have seen her but not face to face ( I will get to this in a bit )

I have been out this week with friends and have booked a holiday for myself and my daughter in june (1week in Suffolk) and my eldest son has also booked a holiday for me and him, an all expenses paid trip to benidorm in September. I have continued to run although not very far as im not as fit as i used to be.
but my goal is 5k.

I'm going to the gym tomorrow with my 2nd eldest son and have done some boxercise with my youngest son (hes a boxer) THIS ABSOLUTELY RUINED ME! ... i can't stress enough how working out benifits your mental health !!!

so to the part where I said that I see my EX AGF.
Well I was on certain social media app !!! And who popped up making videos YES THE EXAGF ! you know the videos where they mime the words to songs ? the ones that go (f××k you goodbye ive moved on) well there's at least 40 videos like that !!! All with the new ABF And I know these are aimed at me. But it's just the sheer nerve of how she's carrying on like shes the victim ! its almost like shes saying ( look how happy i am now im not with you anymore, ive got a new bf and things are going great, you was the problem) ALTHOUGH I KNOW THIS ISNT TRUE. but it absolutely blows my mind how these people can jump from one relationship (22yrs) to another and we are talking 0-100mph without even looking back but only to try and hurt you if they do.

Why can't they just move on ? why do they still feel the need to try and negatively impact your life ?
After all you have you have your drink as much as you like and when you please, and you have a new boyfriend who's also a drinker surely she should be content ? after all she chose this.

But my biggest fear is shes like a boomerang ! this is a person that repeats the same pattern over and over! she cant do CRAZY for too long and needs to come back down to reality and in the near future I will get a knock at the door ! As per all the other times ( I'm half thinking about moving )

but as for seeing her after 5wks and with the new boyfriend even if it was online. I just think it's sad that she has to still focus on me ! And try to emotionally hurt me, but i have asked myself

why won't she leave me alone ?
what is she getting from them videos ?
Did she make them in the hope that I would go running to her begging for her to come back like in the past ?
Or Is she just looking for me to react ?
I think I've given up trying to work out why they do things they do other than they are emotionally damage people (EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES) that feed of of negativity!!! Or its nothing more than childish behaviour
And They have never grown up ?

anyway thank you all for hearing me out
I will keep everyone updated in a week or two .

Eauchiche

Maybe she is in a new relationship, maybe she isn't.
This video is bait to try and reel you back in.
You are a man, not a codfish.

Scrapiron73

shes now blocked everywhere !
And thanks for being so blunt it definitely doesn't hurt sometimes we need that.... Absolutely love this (shes trying to reel you back in your are a man not a codfish)

LucyIntheGarden

Hi Scrapiron,

There's a website for men in abusive relationships with women. It is www.shrink4men.com. There are articles, videos (by the therapist who hosts the site), and a forum. You might spend some time there to fortify yourself when she gets into your head. Which she will keep trying her very best to do. Women like this do not like the word No. They will ramp up their crazy behavior in response. Key for you will be to not engage.

Sorry your boys beat you up, ha! Yes, exercise really does help.

Keep going forward and making yourself a NEW LIFE.

Scrapiron73

Thank you lucyinthegarden for the info I will definitely have a look at that .