Makeitso33

This is my first post, I’ve read a lot but can’t find anything too similar. So, my partner and I have been together 3 years, the first 18 months I did know he had issues around alcohol but I was naive at first - after some really chaotic behaviour he said he had stopped drinking, then I was on the rollercoaster of emotion and anxiety I’m sure many can relate too and it did a lot of damage if I’m honest. We don’t live together, I’d leave his on a Sunday and all might be well but I’d never know if I’d get a normal phone call later that night, a drunk call while he lied and swore he wasn’t drunk and abused me for saying he was, or some excuse for not calling. It was over a year of this and other lies and I started to doubt myself, it affected my health, looking after my daughter etc, such a mess, I witnessed the aftermath of a few relapses (although I think he was actually drinking the whole time really) until he had a very bad week of drinking early last year and went into treatment.

Now he goes to AA and counselling and is doing well. Which is great, except… He is such a different person. I have realised that I probably never got to know him well while he was drinking, the first entire half of our relationship, and now perhaps this is the real him? He says that counselling has made him open up more (not in my experience opening up to me, more opening up as in feeling vulnerable), and is super-sensitive to everything I say or do and hyper critical.

For example, if I don’t have a smile on my face when he has said something he immediately says, pretty passive aggressively, what’s wrong have I said something wrong?! I’m treading on eggshells. This doesn’t sound like much but it’s exhausting.

Worse is how he’s started to label me as aggressive and too assertive if I question anything or have an opinion. He was abused by his mother so he obviously has an issue with strong women (I’m not that really) and I feel that it’s all getting mixed up with me.

I do, I think, have feelings of him being unfair - he has been forgiven so much and now is so harsh and critical and unwilling to be accepting of differences. So my question, sorry I’ve rambled on - is this a recovery thing? Is this type of behaviour common? Or would this be a personality thing?

I am seriously considering whether I should give us both some space because his constant monitoring of me and take downs is massively impacting my already pretty fragile self esteem.

Edit: Just wanted to add, for more context, he had been an alcoholic for 30+ years. I tried really hard to encourage him to get help and it is to his credit that he now has finally taken that step. I think if I had to boil my question down to one sentence it’s this (I’m aware it sounds brutal): now my partner is in recovery he seems even more self-centred, self-obsessed and mean than when he was drinking; is this normal, or am I just going out with a person who has unpleasant traits (as well as nice traits which didn’t get a mention)?

LucyIntheGarden

Hello Makeitso,

I got a chill reading your post. The sort of chill people get when watching the movie "Gaslighting." The husband in the movie is so shrewd and effective in destroying his wife's belief that what she is experiencing is real. Of course, "gaslighting" is now a popular term to describe a certain form of psychological mistreatment in relationships.

I wrote down a few quotes from an article by Floyd Garrett on alcoholics recently, I'm sorry, I don't know how to link to it, but this was a bit of it:

"....The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating, and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind...."

Your friend is still an alcoholic. Don't forget.

Since he is covertly stinging you with passive aggressive put-downs and with games of power and control (labeling you as too assertive if you have an opinion), you might read up on narcissism. A narcissist is so skilled at messing with our minds. And it's all about power and control. There is a website, Out of the Fog, which I think addresses narcissistic abuse.

Whatever the root cause of his behavior now toward you, I think asking yourself, would you spend time with anyone who covertly demeans you and with whom you feel unsafe to be yourself? Even if that person had some "nice traits."

I'm glad you posted. It's important not to be isolated with this problem.

trailmix

hi makeitso. Actually it doesn't sound like he's in true recovery at all, not even a little bit.

It's not just about him feeling better about himself, it's living life on life's terms and one could say that includes not making your SO feel like crap!

Alcoholics are generally self centered, at least when they get to a certain stage of alcoholism. Really addiction is. Their focus is the addiction and the drug of choice and how that works for them. He is obviously still in that mindset.

I'm sure he has good and bad traits, we all do and of course he may just be a self centered person, if it's just that he has been practicing self centeredness over the last 30 years, how would you know and really, does it make a difference whether it's addiction or just him. He's not "recovering" from it obviously.

I'm glad he is making progress (for himself), if he is, but it's certainly not making your part in all this any better?

Is this actually a relationship that you want, right here and now or are you focusing on what you think his potential "might" be. This may be as good as it ever gets.

Bernadette

I am seriously considering whether I should give us both some space because his constant monitoring of me and take downs is massively impacting my already pretty fragile self esteem.

This sounds like a wise move. I mean, there's nothing at all wrong with giving yourself space - 6 months, or more, (or permanently!) - to get your own feet back on the ground. And if he is in recovery and has recovery friends and programs to help him then a relationship break would probably be good for him too. But you can only do it for you. Your health, your peace of mind, your sanity is what's at stake for YOU, and is what you have control over.

Peace,
B

venuscat

I think it's a personality thing, to be honest. I think it's who he is.

You said he had been sober for 30+ years, but how do you know? It sounds to me like he has never been sober, and honestly, I would take this as a reality check, and cut my losses.
You don't live together, and that's a good thing.

Sorry to be blunt, I am possibly a little too Australian this afternoon, but it is said with love.
You sound like a lovely person, and you don't deserve the half truths this person is telling you.

wyrd

Who knows why he behaves the way he does, that's for him to figure out so he can recover. What did you get out of this relationship, what are you getting right now? You said you have self=esteem issues, and it takes a lot of abuse for someone like that to say enough.

What I got from your OP, Makeitso is that he was gaslighting you and abusing you and lying to you when he was drunk, and now that he's sober he's making you feel like you can't have any opinion of your own and have to walk on eggshells around him. Should he relapse, he might blame you because of something you said, but that's not how any of this works (the three Cs). I think taking a break is a great idea, life's too short.

FireSprite

I haven't been here in a while but I was looking for some old info & your post caught my attention as well.

For how long? How long has he actually been IN recovery?

Without knowing more my gut reaction is this: neither of you has ANY idea who he is or what his personality traits truly are. If he spent that long in his worsening addiction, he has been masking, numbing & running from himself for so long that he has to basically start all over again as a person. It's like a swinging pendulum, at first it takes huge, unbalanced swings this way, then that way, then this way again....until eventually it settles into a pattern. And in early recovery (on both sides), a LOT of stuff happens to interrupt that process & force it to restart over & over. It's not a linear process - a person doesn't just put down alcohol & march firmly & solidly toward "normal".

I completely agree. You're not married & do not live together. This is the best time to give yourself some space to see how YOU feel and set boundaries around that.

Rosalba

Really sorry to hear you're going through this; trying to have a relationship with someone who behaves like this will really take its toll on your emotional and spiritual health as you have seen.

As you're not married or living together, taking some space is much easier than it would be if you were, and it seems like a very good idea to me! The thing with trying to analyse an alcoholic's behaviour is that it's trying to make sense of something senseless, so don't even go there. It's a complete waste of time and energy. This is where boundaries are very important; his recovery and how he handles it are his concern, not yours. How his behaviour impacts you, and the devastating effects it's having on you ARE your concern, and you need to take steps to protect yourself. He will not be kinder to you because you've forgiven him and put your trust in him so many times - quite the reverse, in fact, because he has internalised the message that he can do what he likes and you're OK with it - because you're still there.

Whether this is the 'real' him, or just part of recovery, or whatever, is irrelevant. That's his stuff. Your business is practising self-care. To put it bluntly: run, don't walk, to the nearest exit!