I could use some support/advice
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Join Date: Feb 2024
Posts: 2
I could use some support/advice
So my boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago out of no where. He wasn’t making sense on the phone and forgetting things he was saying. He tried to salvage the relationship but i told him that he needs to get help and he doesn’t seem ready for a relationship. We have still been in contact and he was telling me for weeks that he needed to be honest with me about something. He recently admitted to me that he’s been in and out of AA for two and half years and that he’s never really done the work before to get better until now. He said he’s going back to meetings and has a sponsor and is doing the 12 steps. I was considering giving him another chance and supporting him if i could set healthy boundaries but yesterday i could tell he was drinking again and he said hurtful things to me on the phone. He asked me this morning if i could meet with him Saturday and i told him that the way he spoke to me yesterday was unacceptable. That i know this is a disease but i will not tolerate being his punching bag. His response was “I’m stressed out of my mind. I never said your a punching bag. I just don’t know where to navigate my brain. I understand. I won’t bother you again. Sorry for everything”.
I know we haven’t been together that long and we’re not married but i do care for him deeply and i’m dealing with feelings of guilt if i leave him because he is already so isolated and i can tell the alcoholism is progressively getting worse. He has no parents, no siblings, no coworkers and not a lot of genuine friends. He has no one to support him and i fear the worst. He lives in a friends basement and they reached out to me a few nights ago saying how concerned they were because he couldn’t remember how he got home or where he parked his car ( and he wasn’t even drinking that night). Cognitively he is losing his memory. I don't know if there is a way to have an intervention because i think he is in dire need of rehab. I know it comes down to him needing to do all of this on his own but im afraid he wont and that this disease is going to completely take over.
I know we haven’t been together that long and we’re not married but i do care for him deeply and i’m dealing with feelings of guilt if i leave him because he is already so isolated and i can tell the alcoholism is progressively getting worse. He has no parents, no siblings, no coworkers and not a lot of genuine friends. He has no one to support him and i fear the worst. He lives in a friends basement and they reached out to me a few nights ago saying how concerned they were because he couldn’t remember how he got home or where he parked his car ( and he wasn’t even drinking that night). Cognitively he is losing his memory. I don't know if there is a way to have an intervention because i think he is in dire need of rehab. I know it comes down to him needing to do all of this on his own but im afraid he wont and that this disease is going to completely take over.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Hi kell. When he said:
He is telling you the truth.
So the question is, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't know where to navigate their brain?
That is really what it comes down to. He is an alcoholic. Yes, he is making attempts at sobriety, but that's not working right now. It may, it may not.
And that's "just" sobriety, which is hard enough. There is then recovery, examining your life and how you got where you are. Making amends, living life on life's terms. Never, ever, using drugs again.
It's a long haul and he won't do it unless he is really committed to it. He will do it when is he ready, not before.
If you do continue with him, you can be his confidant, his caregiver, his pseudo-therapist, but his first allegiance is to his drug.
You don't need to be afraid. He was drinking long before you arrived, he still is and will be if you decide to end this. If you don't, just prepare for more of the same.
Or you can set yourself free and find some peace and contentment in your life and how about a really good, strong relationship?! He also kept this from you for a long time, so he took away your power to decide if you actually wanted to be in a relationship with an alcoholic.
Not remembering how he got home, that's not memory loss it's called a "black out".
“I’m stressed out of my mind. I never said your a punching bag. I just don’t know where to navigate my brain. I understand. I won’t bother you again. Sorry for everything”.
So the question is, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't know where to navigate their brain?
That is really what it comes down to. He is an alcoholic. Yes, he is making attempts at sobriety, but that's not working right now. It may, it may not.
And that's "just" sobriety, which is hard enough. There is then recovery, examining your life and how you got where you are. Making amends, living life on life's terms. Never, ever, using drugs again.
It's a long haul and he won't do it unless he is really committed to it. He will do it when is he ready, not before.
If you do continue with him, you can be his confidant, his caregiver, his pseudo-therapist, but his first allegiance is to his drug.
You don't need to be afraid. He was drinking long before you arrived, he still is and will be if you decide to end this. If you don't, just prepare for more of the same.
Or you can set yourself free and find some peace and contentment in your life and how about a really good, strong relationship?! He also kept this from you for a long time, so he took away your power to decide if you actually wanted to be in a relationship with an alcoholic.
Not remembering how he got home, that's not memory loss it's called a "black out".
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Not remembering how he got home, that's not memory loss it's called a "black out".
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Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 134
Hello Kell C,
You can Let Go and Let God, as they say in Al-Anon, (God is however you define your higher power). Your friend is going to meetings, working with a sponsor, and he could probably even do the recommended 90 meetings in 90 days, given the space and time (no relationship distractions, no family commitments in his life presently), and the support you fear he does not have in his world he WILL find.
Sometimes new people in 12 Step groups can be judgemental about whether they "fit" and are skeptical about whether "those people" can be of help to them. I experienced a bit of that when I first attended Al-Anon decades ago. I had recently finished graduate school and there I was, sitting in a church basement with a lot of people who were very different from me, for sure. Very different. It's what happens when you are a newcomer to 12-Step.
But here's what a person needs to do. He or she needs to start giving to the group in useful ways. Set up the chairs or make the coffee before the meeting. Fold up the chairs after the meeting. Volunteer to pick up literature for the meeting. Put the sign out by the road for the meeting. Suit up, show up, help out, and we get to feel comfortable. Not so alone. Traumatic feelings begin to ease.
And this option is COMPLETELY available to your friend. And he might be slightly drunk in meetings. Or drink as soon as he hits the parking lot. But those people will always be there. They will not judge. They will listen. For one hour, he can retrieve some self-esteem. And he can make the coffee and set out the chairs.
So: you don't need to consider yourself his only hope or his only real friend. He doesn't have to get sober tomorrow or next week or this year. But he can go to meetings of his own free will and find fellowship and keep trying. If he has a sweet kind-hearted girlfriend who gives him the alternative of skipping meetings and instead sitting on a warm sofa listening to his woes or his dreams or his alcoholic delusions, he may well choose that instead of a meeting. Instead of building a relationship with a sponsor.
Honestly, it's okay to move to one side and let him find his people.
You can wish him well. You can even in your heart, for now, hope that in the future you may reunite if he achieves significant long-term sobriety. Often people simply can't wait, they want everything to happen on their time, completely disregarding God's time. And Fate. And lessons which have been set in someone's path.
I would avoid the phone calls, if he tries to stay connected, he is in no shape for meaningful dialogue. And might not remember the next day there ever had been a phone call. My exAH forgot a lot of things, in his disease. But you can place him in the care of his higher power. And maybe he will call his sponsor instead.
Wishing you peace of mind. Maybe try a few different Al-Anon meetings, too. So you can have a little help realizing that peace of mind.
You can Let Go and Let God, as they say in Al-Anon, (God is however you define your higher power). Your friend is going to meetings, working with a sponsor, and he could probably even do the recommended 90 meetings in 90 days, given the space and time (no relationship distractions, no family commitments in his life presently), and the support you fear he does not have in his world he WILL find.
Sometimes new people in 12 Step groups can be judgemental about whether they "fit" and are skeptical about whether "those people" can be of help to them. I experienced a bit of that when I first attended Al-Anon decades ago. I had recently finished graduate school and there I was, sitting in a church basement with a lot of people who were very different from me, for sure. Very different. It's what happens when you are a newcomer to 12-Step.
But here's what a person needs to do. He or she needs to start giving to the group in useful ways. Set up the chairs or make the coffee before the meeting. Fold up the chairs after the meeting. Volunteer to pick up literature for the meeting. Put the sign out by the road for the meeting. Suit up, show up, help out, and we get to feel comfortable. Not so alone. Traumatic feelings begin to ease.
And this option is COMPLETELY available to your friend. And he might be slightly drunk in meetings. Or drink as soon as he hits the parking lot. But those people will always be there. They will not judge. They will listen. For one hour, he can retrieve some self-esteem. And he can make the coffee and set out the chairs.
So: you don't need to consider yourself his only hope or his only real friend. He doesn't have to get sober tomorrow or next week or this year. But he can go to meetings of his own free will and find fellowship and keep trying. If he has a sweet kind-hearted girlfriend who gives him the alternative of skipping meetings and instead sitting on a warm sofa listening to his woes or his dreams or his alcoholic delusions, he may well choose that instead of a meeting. Instead of building a relationship with a sponsor.
Honestly, it's okay to move to one side and let him find his people.
You can wish him well. You can even in your heart, for now, hope that in the future you may reunite if he achieves significant long-term sobriety. Often people simply can't wait, they want everything to happen on their time, completely disregarding God's time. And Fate. And lessons which have been set in someone's path.
I would avoid the phone calls, if he tries to stay connected, he is in no shape for meaningful dialogue. And might not remember the next day there ever had been a phone call. My exAH forgot a lot of things, in his disease. But you can place him in the care of his higher power. And maybe he will call his sponsor instead.
Wishing you peace of mind. Maybe try a few different Al-Anon meetings, too. So you can have a little help realizing that peace of mind.
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