Just separated and feel like I destroyed my kids' happiness
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Just separated and feel like I destroyed my kids' happiness
My husband is an alcoholic who is currently in the denial and moderation stage of a relapse. He believes he can control alcohol and is so far into his addiction that alcohol is his top priority. I finally had enough, went through this all before and he did get sober but was a dry drunk, never worked a program and we had so many unresolved issues between us. He left and is getting an apartment. We told the kids and they are heartbroken, and want him to go to rehab to get better. He's not ready to go to rehab so it fell on deaf ears, but my heart is breaking. It's breaking for my kids, my idea of what life could have been like, the potential that kept me here for far too long. I just feel so numb and if I'm being honest with myself, so much relief and peace that he's not here. But then guilt at my kids being heartbroken, at them missing their dad, at him choosing alcohol. I feel like I destroyed their lives, their home, their happiness. I just keep telling myself this is the healthier option for them, to have a sober and stable home. But I also worry that I am being selfish for wanting to be happy without him. I plan to follow through with divorce, and have gotten a lawyer, but my husband still seems to think this is isn't permanent. Just wondering how people got through these feelings. I can't go no contact because we have elementary age kids who want to call daddy before school and at bed time each night. They keep asking if he will come home soon and if he can get better again. I don't want to hurt them, but I can't stay married to an alcoholic for one more minute.
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Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 133
I'm so sorry. Your pain radiates in your words, Phoenix. Many here understand your deep sorrow and your fears.
In Al-Anon one of the slogans is "Easy Does It." It is a reminder to not become overwhelmed by our fears nor try to solve the big problems all at once. We do things in bits. We remind ourselves this is a passage. We cannot predict the future, nor should we assume bad outcomes which have not happened. We stay in one day and deal with the bits at hand.
I'm sure you already know that counseling will be the best thing for you and for your children. I would be arranging that now. Talking with a professional is so important because while your anxiety and fears are so high, your thinking is impacted and distorted. You need a professional to help you with your thinking so that you will be able to trust this process of change in your life and your family.
Your cortisol levels are also through the roof, you can't help this, but the huge fear and anxiety created by elevated cortisol can be somewhat alleviated by a boost in dopamine. So as much as you can, create fun activities for you and your children. You can make this an ongoing commitment in the weeks and months ahead. Activities that make them laugh or explore will be very good for them emotionally and physically. Horses, farms, nature walks, funny films, indoor go karts, go for it.
Your planned divorce may be permanent. But your situation today is not. You feel as if you have destroyed your children's lives. After many years sitting in Al-Anon meetings and hearing many stories, I can tell you that again and again I have heard people tell of how things turned out better than they ever could have imagined. Really. No matter what awful scenarios you are running through your mind right now, these are only thoughts. And you can change those thoughts. Especially with a counselor's help. You can allow for the potential for positive outcomes. For everyone. Imagining the worst for everyone keeps you ill, and is of no use.
It is right that your children's drinking father lives separately. A counselor can help them understand why, and most importantly, help them believe that their feelings or actions did not cause this separation, and that they are still deeply loved by both of you. You need a professional to help you accomplish this. Don't try to manage it yourself.
Times of crisis do not last. Nothing is permanent in life, including this passage your family is moving through. Easy does it. One day at a time.
In Al-Anon one of the slogans is "Easy Does It." It is a reminder to not become overwhelmed by our fears nor try to solve the big problems all at once. We do things in bits. We remind ourselves this is a passage. We cannot predict the future, nor should we assume bad outcomes which have not happened. We stay in one day and deal with the bits at hand.
I'm sure you already know that counseling will be the best thing for you and for your children. I would be arranging that now. Talking with a professional is so important because while your anxiety and fears are so high, your thinking is impacted and distorted. You need a professional to help you with your thinking so that you will be able to trust this process of change in your life and your family.
Your cortisol levels are also through the roof, you can't help this, but the huge fear and anxiety created by elevated cortisol can be somewhat alleviated by a boost in dopamine. So as much as you can, create fun activities for you and your children. You can make this an ongoing commitment in the weeks and months ahead. Activities that make them laugh or explore will be very good for them emotionally and physically. Horses, farms, nature walks, funny films, indoor go karts, go for it.
Your planned divorce may be permanent. But your situation today is not. You feel as if you have destroyed your children's lives. After many years sitting in Al-Anon meetings and hearing many stories, I can tell you that again and again I have heard people tell of how things turned out better than they ever could have imagined. Really. No matter what awful scenarios you are running through your mind right now, these are only thoughts. And you can change those thoughts. Especially with a counselor's help. You can allow for the potential for positive outcomes. For everyone. Imagining the worst for everyone keeps you ill, and is of no use.
It is right that your children's drinking father lives separately. A counselor can help them understand why, and most importantly, help them believe that their feelings or actions did not cause this separation, and that they are still deeply loved by both of you. You need a professional to help you accomplish this. Don't try to manage it yourself.
Times of crisis do not last. Nothing is permanent in life, including this passage your family is moving through. Easy does it. One day at a time.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
As Velma said, it doesn't mean it's wrong.
One thing to keep in mind, in times of upheaval for kids is that they are looking at you and your reactions.
It is sad that they are unhappy right now, but, of course, kids don't know the whole story and they certainly don't know what the future would look like with an alcoholic.
The idea of rehab to kids of that age is obscure, I'm sure. They don't really know what alcoholism is and they don't really know what rehab is. Perhaps explaining to them that even if their dad went to rehab, that doesn't mean he will no longer drink. I do think it's important to have age appropriate talks about alcoholism, but perhaps these concepts right now are a bit out of their understanding.
There are age appropriate books that can help, I've seen many on Amazon, so that might be a good place to start?
Sometimes you have to make decisions that kids don't like and that's a fact. They don't know what this is about.
They will take their cues from you. If you look and act sad and worried (for them) they may misjudge that as sadness over dad leaving. You all will be fine, but it will take time. It's very important they know about the divorce and why it happened or you could very easily become the "bad guy" here. Don't hide the truth of it?
One thing to keep in mind, in times of upheaval for kids is that they are looking at you and your reactions.
It is sad that they are unhappy right now, but, of course, kids don't know the whole story and they certainly don't know what the future would look like with an alcoholic.
The idea of rehab to kids of that age is obscure, I'm sure. They don't really know what alcoholism is and they don't really know what rehab is. Perhaps explaining to them that even if their dad went to rehab, that doesn't mean he will no longer drink. I do think it's important to have age appropriate talks about alcoholism, but perhaps these concepts right now are a bit out of their understanding.
There are age appropriate books that can help, I've seen many on Amazon, so that might be a good place to start?
Sometimes you have to make decisions that kids don't like and that's a fact. They don't know what this is about.
They will take their cues from you. If you look and act sad and worried (for them) they may misjudge that as sadness over dad leaving. You all will be fine, but it will take time. It's very important they know about the divorce and why it happened or you could very easily become the "bad guy" here. Don't hide the truth of it?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I feel like I destroyed their lives, their home, their happiness. I just keep telling myself this is the healthier option for them, to have a sober and stable home.
Only one of these statements is true. Guess which one?!?
I got divorced when my kids were school-aged and I was sure my kids would be damaged etc etc etc...and my ex wasn't even an A! But he did move abroad and was an absolute jackass about money and keeping up a consistent connection with the kids. It was painful for my kids and me. I felt all the guilt all the fear...but a wonderfully wise kindergarten teacher took my hand during a parent teacher conference and said, "Please do not underestimate your children, while this is very sad for them and you should never deny that, you don't want to send them the message that they are now damaged or that they do not have every beautiful imaginative opportunity to live a full and happy life! Because they do! Children endure much worse things than divorce. And your children have a stable dedicated loving mother which is everything. Surround them with warmth and love and joy!"
We all know there is no such thing as a perfect happy life. Every "happy life" is laced with sorrow, with loss, with trauma, with challenges. During my divorce I got my butt into counseling and tried hard to improve myself and provide my children with a healthy example of overcoming hardships, of processing sadness and living with it without letting it overwhelm or paralyze or define me. Sending my kids the message that as hard as life is they can handle it with my steady help, that I'm always here to listen and answer the questions that I can, and that some questions have no easy answers: They keep asking if he will come home soon and if he can get better again.
My kids turned out to be loving, perfectly imperfect, well-adjusted positive adults. And I think it's partly because the divorce forced me to start speaking very plainly to them, maintaining my own boundaries so I was not burdening them with my grief and fears, and led to what has become a lifetime of honest, practical conversations and communication about the tough stuff of life. Some of the tearful conversations we have had together have been so powerful and healing.
I had to learn how to openly communicate because it didn't exist in my childhood with an A father. My mother never had the courage or desire to leave and never had the courage or desire to be truthful and help us children cope and understand our f*ed up family life was because of dad's drinking.
I knew in first grade something wasn't right, something was scary so shameful it couldn't be named. I wish my mother had just named it: "Your father is an alcoholic. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, and can't Cure it. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, and it doesn't mean you can't love him. It just means we have to have certain boundaries in place because alcohol causes a lot of confusion in family relationships. And I am always here to listen to your struggles with this. It's difficult for me too so we're all learning together!" Wow what a difference that kind of conversation might have made in my life and, I always wonder, in the lives of my 3 bros who all became alcoholics.
Honesty is the key, facing reality squarely, which it sounds like you are doing!! Hopefully you can get to AlAnon or counseling with a therapist who understands alcoholism and get some tools and language to ease some of your anxiety. Sending you a shot of courage and hug those kiddos tight, you're sending the most powerful message by your brave example of doing the right, but painful, thing.
Peace,
B.
Only one of these statements is true. Guess which one?!?
I got divorced when my kids were school-aged and I was sure my kids would be damaged etc etc etc...and my ex wasn't even an A! But he did move abroad and was an absolute jackass about money and keeping up a consistent connection with the kids. It was painful for my kids and me. I felt all the guilt all the fear...but a wonderfully wise kindergarten teacher took my hand during a parent teacher conference and said, "Please do not underestimate your children, while this is very sad for them and you should never deny that, you don't want to send them the message that they are now damaged or that they do not have every beautiful imaginative opportunity to live a full and happy life! Because they do! Children endure much worse things than divorce. And your children have a stable dedicated loving mother which is everything. Surround them with warmth and love and joy!"
We all know there is no such thing as a perfect happy life. Every "happy life" is laced with sorrow, with loss, with trauma, with challenges. During my divorce I got my butt into counseling and tried hard to improve myself and provide my children with a healthy example of overcoming hardships, of processing sadness and living with it without letting it overwhelm or paralyze or define me. Sending my kids the message that as hard as life is they can handle it with my steady help, that I'm always here to listen and answer the questions that I can, and that some questions have no easy answers: They keep asking if he will come home soon and if he can get better again.
My kids turned out to be loving, perfectly imperfect, well-adjusted positive adults. And I think it's partly because the divorce forced me to start speaking very plainly to them, maintaining my own boundaries so I was not burdening them with my grief and fears, and led to what has become a lifetime of honest, practical conversations and communication about the tough stuff of life. Some of the tearful conversations we have had together have been so powerful and healing.
I had to learn how to openly communicate because it didn't exist in my childhood with an A father. My mother never had the courage or desire to leave and never had the courage or desire to be truthful and help us children cope and understand our f*ed up family life was because of dad's drinking.
I knew in first grade something wasn't right, something was scary so shameful it couldn't be named. I wish my mother had just named it: "Your father is an alcoholic. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, and can't Cure it. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, and it doesn't mean you can't love him. It just means we have to have certain boundaries in place because alcohol causes a lot of confusion in family relationships. And I am always here to listen to your struggles with this. It's difficult for me too so we're all learning together!" Wow what a difference that kind of conversation might have made in my life and, I always wonder, in the lives of my 3 bros who all became alcoholics.
Honesty is the key, facing reality squarely, which it sounds like you are doing!! Hopefully you can get to AlAnon or counseling with a therapist who understands alcoholism and get some tools and language to ease some of your anxiety. Sending you a shot of courage and hug those kiddos tight, you're sending the most powerful message by your brave example of doing the right, but painful, thing.
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Oct 2023
Posts: 5
I’m so sorry you and your children are going through such heartbreak. I don’t have children and recently went no contact with my ex partner who continues to drink. I cannot and would not speak to the experience of being a parent and trying to navigate what you’re navigating but I wanted to share some big picture perspective that I observe in my social circles. have numerous people in my friend circle who did not have the protection from an alcoholic parent that you are providing to your kids by not having an active alcoholic in your home. I’m in my 50s. The friends I have who grew up in alcoholic households all struggle with various long term trauma from it that manifests through toxic relationship patterns, low self esteem, anxiety, depression and even substance abuse. I can’t imagine the heartbreak you or your kids feel now, but I promise you keeping that boundary between them and a parent who is in active addiction is saving them from the lifelong heartbreak that occurs from growing up trying to cope with an active alcoholic in their household. Hang in there- even with the heartbreak in the now , you are doing the best thing for the long term safety of your kids and for the adults they will become.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by Bernadette 
I felt all the guilt all the fear...but a wonderfully wise kindergarten teacher took my hand during a parent teacher conference and said, "Please do not underestimate your children, while this is very sad for them and you should never deny that, you don't want to send them the message that they are now damaged or that they do not have every beautiful imaginative opportunity to live a full and happy life! Because they do! Children endure much worse things than divorce. And your children have a stable dedicated loving mother which is everything. Surround them with warmth and love and joy!"
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