Held my boundary but heartbroken. I don't know how to heal.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by trailmix 
I've heard that many times. Why did the person choose alcohol (or any drug) over me.
Well, with addiction, he's not drinking at you, he's not running away from you, he's running toward his drug.
However, that said, whether the person is an alcoholic or you were in a "normal" relationship that didn't work out, being incompatible with someone is not a reflection on you as a person, it never makes you "less than". That is key to remember now, but really to remember all the time.
So if there is something for you to work on, perhaps it is that? What can make you think you are not good enough or that there is something terribly wrong with you, because a drug user walked out?
It's a different way to frame it, I believe it's a more truthful way.
He has loads of issues, loads! Those are his to deal with, or not, as the case may be. By why would you ever stake your self worth on someone else?
The truth is you two are wholly incompatible.
Well, with addiction, he's not drinking at you, he's not running away from you, he's running toward his drug.
However, that said, whether the person is an alcoholic or you were in a "normal" relationship that didn't work out, being incompatible with someone is not a reflection on you as a person, it never makes you "less than". That is key to remember now, but really to remember all the time.
So if there is something for you to work on, perhaps it is that? What can make you think you are not good enough or that there is something terribly wrong with you, because a drug user walked out?
It's a different way to frame it, I believe it's a more truthful way.
He has loads of issues, loads! Those are his to deal with, or not, as the case may be. By why would you ever stake your self worth on someone else?
The truth is you two are wholly incompatible.
Now I know that that's the truth. He refuses to acknowledge he needs help outside of a church. He has lost his health, his home, his vehicle, his job, me, and it's not my job to worry about him. I have periodically looked into therapy for my own low self esteem which has been a lifelong problem. That is one of my goals for the new year to really work on that. I have of course been in relationships where it hasn't worked out and it has never hit me like this. I guess I find it particularly insulting??? Im not sure if that's how to describe it. It's very painful to watch someone self destruct all the while telling you that you're horrible and going to hell and they would rather live on the streets than make an effort to get help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,676
Well, I have also seen posted on this forum - that "he left me - I always thought if anyone would be leaving it would be me leaving him"!
People get blindsided by that, why would this person, who obviously can't maintain ANY kind of normal relationship, walk out on me?! Well that could be ego or the fact that you were trying to help, that you are the only stable person in his life etc etc, but I think this thread addresses the "why".
The title is a bit harsh, I think, but the message is true:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ink-about.html (Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.)
This thread is located in the Stickies section at the top of the forum under About Recovery / Classic Reading
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
People get blindsided by that, why would this person, who obviously can't maintain ANY kind of normal relationship, walk out on me?! Well that could be ego or the fact that you were trying to help, that you are the only stable person in his life etc etc, but I think this thread addresses the "why".
The title is a bit harsh, I think, but the message is true:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ink-about.html (Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.)
This thread is located in the Stickies section at the top of the forum under About Recovery / Classic Reading
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,552
I'm no expert at being a Christian (I try, but I'm a frail, flawed mortal)
As someone who identifies as Christian, holding the past against him? Hmmmm, I'm not supposed to, but neither would I chose him as a partner. That's too many problems in his past, and honestly, I don't need that dysfunction in my life. Someone who'd lead a more (ahem) virtuous life would want to, and would be entitled to, hold out for a person who had done the same.
Uhhh, there's this concept of repentance, we are supposed to turn away from sin.
That part is true. We're not supposed to hold ourselves out as superior because our own sins weren't as serious as others'. But dating after you break up isn't a sin, anyway, that I know of.
After my husband's death, I had a meet and greet with a lovely man who had been sober 31 years. I didn't have a second meeting with him. Philip Seymore Hoffman OD-ed after decades of sobriety. 25 years with an alcoholic was enough, I wasn't going to take the chance.
I do hold the opinion that people who agree on the big things in life have a little advantage in planning a life together. Belief in a deity is kind of a big thing. I don't believe for a minute that he's sincere at all, as I mentioned before. I think he's found an excuse to break off with someone who desires a partenr who acts like an adult.
Originally Posted by GeorgiaBlues
A. I'm someone he could never be with because as a non-christian I'm holding the past against him (drugs, hookers, alcohol, infidelity) and a real Christian woman wouldn't
Originally Posted by GeorgiaBlues
B. As a non believer I'm going to hell and as a believer he's not so in the end, regardless of the state of his life, I'm ultimately the loser
Originally Posted by GeorgiaBlues
C. Him selling and using drugs and being wildly promiscuous is no worse than me going on a date (the former of which was done in secret while we were in a relationship, the latter of which I did recently after the dissolution of the relationship).
After my husband's death, I had a meet and greet with a lovely man who had been sober 31 years. I didn't have a second meeting with him. Philip Seymore Hoffman OD-ed after decades of sobriety. 25 years with an alcoholic was enough, I wasn't going to take the chance.
I do hold the opinion that people who agree on the big things in life have a little advantage in planning a life together. Belief in a deity is kind of a big thing. I don't believe for a minute that he's sincere at all, as I mentioned before. I think he's found an excuse to break off with someone who desires a partenr who acts like an adult.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by velma929
I'm no expert at being a Christian (I try, but I'm a frail, flawed mortal)
As someone who identifies as Christian, holding the past against him? Hmmmm, I'm not supposed to, but neither would I chose him as a partner. That's too many problems in his past, and honestly, I don't need that dysfunction in my life. Someone who'd lead a more (ahem) virtuous life would want to, and would be entitled to, hold out for a person who had done the same.
Uhhh, there's this concept of repentance, we are supposed to turn away from sin.
That part is true. We're not supposed to hold ourselves out as superior because our own sins weren't as serious as others'. But dating after you break up isn't a sin, anyway, that I know of.
After my husband's death, I had a meet and greet with a lovely man who had been sober 31 years. I didn't have a second meeting with him. Philip Seymore Hoffman OD-ed after decades of sobriety. 25 years with an alcoholic was enough, I wasn't going to take the chance.
I do hold the opinion that people who agree on the big things in life have a little advantage in planning a life together. Belief in a deity is kind of a big thing. I don't believe for a minute that he's sincere at all, as I mentioned before. I think he's found an excuse to break off with someone who desires a partenr who acts like an adult.
As someone who identifies as Christian, holding the past against him? Hmmmm, I'm not supposed to, but neither would I chose him as a partner. That's too many problems in his past, and honestly, I don't need that dysfunction in my life. Someone who'd lead a more (ahem) virtuous life would want to, and would be entitled to, hold out for a person who had done the same.
Uhhh, there's this concept of repentance, we are supposed to turn away from sin.
That part is true. We're not supposed to hold ourselves out as superior because our own sins weren't as serious as others'. But dating after you break up isn't a sin, anyway, that I know of.
After my husband's death, I had a meet and greet with a lovely man who had been sober 31 years. I didn't have a second meeting with him. Philip Seymore Hoffman OD-ed after decades of sobriety. 25 years with an alcoholic was enough, I wasn't going to take the chance.
I do hold the opinion that people who agree on the big things in life have a little advantage in planning a life together. Belief in a deity is kind of a big thing. I don't believe for a minute that he's sincere at all, as I mentioned before. I think he's found an excuse to break off with someone who desires a partenr who acts like an adult.
Wit regard to holding ourselves superior, I understand that and even told him I was not going to have a contest about whose sins were worse. He periodically comes around asking for another shot at the relationship and I have to tell him I can't do that because a. He's not sober b. I do not trust him (the amount of deceit to cover up his lifestyle still boggles my mind) c. He was unfaithful and put my health at risk and d. None of the above suggest he loves or respects me. In fact they suggest the opposite. That's when I'm reminded that I'm just the same as him and my sins are just as bad as his and I'm going to hell as a non believer so who am I to not get over it? When I asked for an example all he could come up with was ive gone on a date and I was intimate with him before marriage.
Now I am by no means perfect. I have too many issues to list. I do agree religion is a big thing and had actually started reading the gospel and attending church on my own but I find myself losing interest when he's the only example of a Christian I have in my life. It seems he just uses his faith to hurt people and it's just given him a superiority complex ..."well I may broken your heart and trust and risked your health, and I may have put lives at risk drunk driving, etc etc etc BUT at least I'm not going to hell!"
I do so wish I could get over the hurdle of taking it personally and just move on with my life with a little bit of dignity and grace. But I find myself harboring so much anger and hate and resentment in my heart and I greatly dislike the person I'm becoming as a result of all of this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,676
Originally Posted by GeorgiaBlues
I do so wish I could get over the hurdle of taking it personally and just move on with my life with a little bit of dignity and grace. But I find myself harboring so much anger and hate and resentment in my heart and I greatly dislike the person I'm becoming as a result of all of this.
As a side note, he is no more a Christian than anyone else is, he seems to have a God complex really. But it's all just delusion, he has chosen that particular delusion. He could have chosen - nobody knows the trouble I've seen - or any other scenario. When you get to a certain point in addiction you kind of need to have an excuse to keep doing that, or so I've seen. It doesn't actually have meaning, none, zero, zip - except maybe to him in his delusion.
Perhaps think of alcoholism as a mental illness (that is how I view it). He has no more control over his thoughts and feelings than anyone with untreated mental illness. If you look at him as a person of sound mind, you will never reconcile this for yourself, because he isn't and "regular" doesn't apply here. If you had dated a person with untreated schizophrenia, would you take it personally when they created a God complex?
So where to put that anger! Eventually it will fade, as you sort through this in your mind. The question is, what do you want to do now. What would you like to achieve? If it's just a calm and contented time, then maybe try meditation or yoga. If you have a trip you have always wanted to take, start planning. Take that energy and focus it all back on yourself.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
