alykat88

Hi all. New here, first time posting. My partner of 6 years has just relapsed again. I’m so confused, frustrated and have no idea what to believe anymore. He can go a year without drinking and then leaves my kids and I (not his biologically) to go and drink and live the party life he misses. When he’s here, the few 2 months are great and then he seems to start resenting and really struggling with life here. When he drinks he becomes verbally abusive and everything is my fault. He is better when sober but still seems to have jealousy, controlling and judgemental thoughts, toxic opinions about my parenting and the kids though he does well to keep it hidden when sober, with occasional slips and then it lets loose when intoxicated. He projects onto me a lot as well and cannot seem to actually accept the toxicity of what he does. I just don’t know what to believe now. Does he love me? He’s always so unhappy with us, doesn’t work a program or seek help but isn’t terrible when sober, just not great. Then when he leaves and drinks we rotate between nastiness and then seeming remorseful. I feel like I am now trauma bonded and have done so much work to heal myself over the years, I just wish he’d choose the same. He is currently gone, talking about counselling but after so long do I trust he will do it?

Hawkeye13

The only things you can trust are his actions, not his words, and your gut feelings. He has not shown himself to be trustworthy and you seem well aware of the projection and blaming he is heaping on you to avoid owning his addictions and resentments as base contributors to the dysfunction in the household.

The more important, and in fact critical question alyka, is how long you are going to subject yourself and your kids to this toxicity? This is the relationship model your children are growing up with, and will likely recreate in their own lives. You all deserve so much better, but as long as you continue to put up with the relapses and departures and blame and keep taking him back, he has no true incentive to change for good.

I also have a constantly relapsing spouse, and the sad truth is that alcoholism is progressive even if they stop for long periods of time. What if what he is / does now is as good as it is going to get? Are the good times worth the bad? That’s a question I wish I had asked myself many years ago—but I also had a drinking problem and until I dealt with it, I couldn’t see anything very clearly.

Wishing you peace and clarity and you should be proud of yourself for continuing to work so hard on your own recovery amidst the uncertainty and chaos which is life with a relapsing alcoholic. Doing the same thing and expecting a different result won’t work—so what can you do differently this time?

dbyrer

You ask "Does he love me?" I'm wondering if YOU love you. If this were your best friend writing the post, what advice would you give her?

alykat88

Thank you for your words. I know that all you’re both saying is correct, but breaking this trauma bond feels impossible. I don’t have a support network here, limited on what I can do for work and hobbies to keep my mind off him due to that as well because I have the kids. I’ve done online Al-anon meetings but leave those feeling more shame for not being strong enough to stay away. There’s not an hour of the day that passes that he’s not torturing my mind because I have so much time to just think, and wonder. So many questions percolate. Do I keep him at a distance and actually try some kind of therapy to see if it can help? Do I walk away and then have to battle him never leaving me alone, making fake accounts when blocked, seeming remorseful and sorry. I have little to help keep my strong with no family or friends nearby. When we talk he seems to understand how I feel but also still thinks he’s done as much for me as I have him. It’s all so confusing and I don’t know what is right. It’s constant torture and a battle between my head and heart.

biminiblue

Is it possible for you to move to another area, closer to other people who care about you?

He is your drug. The only way out is to cut contact in every way you can, just like he has to do with his addiction(s.) Your thoughts and body are totally enmeshed in an unhealthy way with him.

He's dangerous. I hope you heal quickly, but it does take some time away.

edoering

The confusion and the fog come from being with him. I bet you’ll be surprised how quickly the fog lifts when you are able to be away from his influence.

I think the answer to “does he love me” is does it matter? Maybe he does love you, BUT he’s 100% incapable of caring for you, and therefore doesn’t deserve to be a part of your life. Love is not a reason to permit someone to hurt you. Love is not a justification.

I’m sorry Al-anon made you feel shame. I’ve noticed not all groups have the same dynamics but the ones that are good accept you where you’re at in the process and help you take one step at a time in healing. Do you have a Codependency book resources that could help? Even audiobooks you can listen to during commutes? Codependency can also contribute to the confusion you’re describing, and the struggles to protect yourself.

trailmix

hi alykat, I think having therapy might be very helpful, use any and all tools you can get your hands on, circle the wagons! You have us as well now.

You can leave him if you like, it feels like you can't, but those are just feelings. How you feel now and how you will feel after you leave are two different things. Once you leave, after a short while, the FOG starts to lift - Fear, Obligation, Guilt, this will have you questioning all kinds of things and wondering why you stayed. You do deserve a peaceful life with people who respect you and are kind to you.

So the help, there are organizations that can help you, you just need to find them. Perhaps your first call should be to your local Domestic Violence shelter. What you are experiencing is abuse. You can even be anonymous if you want. It probably seems scary, it is, but they have a wealth of knowledge and tools to help you, organizations that will help you, you aren't alone at all. I'm sure you feel trapped, you aren't.

This is where you need support. This is where you will have to steel yourself to get out of this situation. You are much stronger and braver than you can even imagine right now. He has worn you down, but you can bounce back.

Once away from him, it will actually be easier to stay away. You will start to see things as they were, you will be calmer and more content, you won't want to trade that for where you were. But that takes time and there will be hurt and fear to go through, it will be worth it, you are worth it as are your children.

You need a plan, this will empower you. You don't have to use it today, or tomorrow, but a plan (first step DV) will give you strength. You will see a way forward.

Hatguysgirl

I actually had the same feeling with alanon. I ended up doing online smart recovery friends and family meetings. I feel like there is a slightly different approach to the whole thing, a lot of the same theories, it just feels friendlier somehow. Might be worth a shot.