JanuaryStrlight

My AH was sober since February and I’m certain he’s been drinking again.

I HAD to congratulate him on his streak and curse it. Happens every time. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. If I don’t celebrate his recovery, I’m not supportive enough. If I do, it’s an acknowledgment of his efforts and therefore a justification to maybe just go slurp some vodka on the sly.

(I can always tell when he’s drunk or been drinking—it’s like a sixth sense.)

In the meantime, I’ve stopped sharing anything with anyone because I’ve been dismissed in the past as having any real problems because my AH makes a good living and I have such a pampered, privileged lifestyle.

This is a misconception of my life—we’ve both worked extremely hard for our home (which we’ve outgrown but we can’t afford a bigger house, so we’ve altered the house to fit our needs, and it frankly is at the brim and my teenager has to travel from the basement to the first or second floors to use a bathroom) and our vehicles. Our sedans do not facilitate three children, two in car seats, comfortably, but we cannot afford a larger car, so we have also done our best to make it work between the two vehicles. We do have a nice, pretty home with a reasonably sized yard, front and back, with decent furniture inherited from my mom. It’s plenty to be grateful for, all of it was worked for, and it’s certainly a privilege. However, it’s not a gilded, indolent lifestyle full of servants and maids and private chefs and shoppers and chauffeurs. I have three children that I devote my time to, one of whom is autistic—FYI I can’t even go to the bathroom in peace. They are my greatest joy, but it’s not a picnic and nor is it a beautiful Pinterest board.

For those not in the know, my mother with whom I had a complicated but close relationship with committed suicide when I was eight months pregnant with my now 17 month old son. She overdosed on blood pressure medication, recovered, then suddenly vomited and aspirated while recovering in the ICU. She went into multiple systems failure, became comatose, then passed away some days later.

Not long after, my father had three strokes. He was once a power lifter and accomplished athlete, drummer and veteran of the Air Force. He is now without use of his right side and in a wheelchair, although he is able to work. It’s heartbreaking to see my lifelong hero in so much pain and struggling so hard while my brother drains him emotionally and treats him like crap.

I want to be able to run and figure skate—accomplish my running goals and do a few programs. I am frequently sick despite taking immune supplements and have recently been diagnosed as having chronic migraines. I have always had blood sugar problems, but lately they’ve been almost beyond control. One moment I’m fine, the next I’ve bottomed out and I’m in a bad way even after eating. I had surgery for esophageal achalasia in 2015 but my symptoms are returning with a painful vengeance. The migraines, painful ongoing esophageal spasms, random blood sugar drops, and constant illness have significantly deterred my athletic endeavors.

My sister has been very dismissive of my experiences as completely fixable, in my head, entirely under my control, and not as bad as what I perceive. After all, I’m not as sick as she is (no one can diagnose her despite a decade of debilitating symptoms) and my husband, who makes a fabulous and extravagant living, is still alive—he just needs to stop drinking, so it’s not as bad as it could be. Shrug.

With AH now off the wagon, I don’t know if I can muster the strength required to get up every day and do what I have to do while my life appears perfect to even close relatives and friends when it’s anything but, and no amount of explaining a situation I find in front of me will change their beliefs.

Perhaps I am blinded to my blessings. Maybe my problems are trivial. I guess happiness is just an attitude adjustment away and I’m incredibly privileged and just incapable of seeing it. Perhaps it’s just a me problem and I need to pull my big girl pants on and continue to make efforts to care for my sister despite being written off and treated as an annoyance and to keep up my attempts to bond with my oldest (only) friend, who can’t be pulled from her house because her job is so exhausting. She lives less than three miles from me, and I see her twice a year at most—no matter how much I invite her over, ask her to go out, etc.

I'm trying not to feel hopeless, mired in self-pity, misunderstood, or alone. Al Anon hasn’t been particularly helpful to me, my BFF is off the map never to emerge, apparently, and I don’t feel safe sharing my life with anyone else—including friends that don’t live in the area. I just don’t believe they have the time or energy to be bothered with my need for support. I’m likely isolating myself, but I don’t know where to turn. Why share or seek out support from what few loved ones you have when you’re met with dismissal and flippancy?

I can’t deal with my husband—in fact my only real friend—falling off the wagon again. I have no clue where to go from here.

I hope all of you are well and hanging in there. Sending love.

trailmix

hi January, well, I'm sorry it's come to this, of course.

If you look at all those things (and yes it is A LOT of things) doesn't that feel totally overwhelming? It must.

You know, you kind of need a plan. Right now you are kind of helpless with all these things coming at you, mentally and in front of you.

Your Husband is drinking, your BFF is absent basically and the rest of what might be people to help lift you up aren't there for you.

It doesn't actually matter one iota what they think of your situation and how they downplay it, it only matters what your perception is, you are either content with it or not and you are not. Yes, you can try to adjust your attitude in any situation, that's true, but haven't you tried? I mean you either can or you can't. It's like having an alcoholic partner, you can either live in the same place as them and accept their drinking or you can't, period. No amount of mental gymnastics changes that. You can't change them, only yourself.

So what is your plan?

- Do you want to leave if he is drinking again? Financially is it possible?
- Do you have childcare (I assume you don't go out to work now?) - can you access more childcare, to take time for yourself, heck even if you just want a day alone to have a nap and read some books.
- What about his parents? Is there a possibility they could take the kids or even the older child, for some time over the summer, a week or two?

The main thing is, of course, if you don't start addressing some of this, you won't be good to look after anyone else either. It's time to put yourself first (within reason I know, since you have kiddies).

Make a decision about what you need and want to do and then start a plan. Then you won't feel so powerless (because you aren't).