Angrylove

It’s me again, the one who had a long term boyfriend that rolled his truck, DUI, got out of jail and left. It’s been 7 months. I no longer could imagine even being friends with this human, so that is great. Obviously since we share a 7yr child there is still minor communication. Here is where I need insight, advise anything!! The first month after departure it was daytime visits doing fun things, he was court ordered to install a blower in his vehicle with 2 years supervised probation. Keep in mind we didn’t have a lot, but he left with a comfortable amount of cash. Middle class people that don’t want for things but no extravagant lifestyle or toys. Soon he would drive a newer pickup to pick his son up, then a fancy Jeep. All is well, I am glad I am living in my means. Then he started getting him every weekend, okay… I guess that’s good because he needs to spend time with Dad. Soon EVERY Monday the school would call that my son is “sick”, so after a few times I talked to teacher and decided maybe it was after the weekend with dad. Anxiety? Missing Mom? No idea. All along he would make a sad face if I told him he was staying at dads more than one night. Then he doesn’t want me to tell dad about school events. Well I have inquisitive tendencies so I google dad’s name a lot. Low and behold 3 months into probation I see a ticket in neighbor state for no license. Seemingly nothing happens on probation end. Then a month later my son comes home telling me daddy got pulled over and he was not doing anything wrong. They made someone else come get us. I asked my son if he had a blower in the truck or Jeep and he said no, only the car. And then the following weekend he had him one night, low and behold daddy got pulled over again and he said they had to “sneak away” in the car. He says one of the cops “kept” his license. He also said they gave him a ticket. This is all coming from a 7 year old, so hard to distinguish facts. His dad works most weekends and drags my kid along, so he says things like “why doesn’t daddy play with me”. Heartbreaking… all of it. Also he has come home saying he and daddy went to an abandoned farm, things that I might interpreter as trespassing. His dad is very hostile when confronted on anything so I hesitate to ask. Also, he had some farm equipment that last November I told him he could have. He text me in April and was mad that some of his hay was missing and he was coming to get 2 cows that were his. I told him, you must be joking because I fed them all winter and you can’t just abandon something and come get it. Ownership of anything without a title would be muddled as all accounts were joint. I feel like a hostage, I just want him gone. I have not filed for child support nor has he given or even asked if he needed anything. With summer coming I am terrified he will want him for an extended time when he is so critical and borderline mean to his own child. I feel like he is a stranger and maybe blowing the mean part out of proportion but I can tell that he is unhappy there. My main question is will probation do ANYTHING about this EVER? It has been 1month since his “in state” incident and without a conviction there will be nothing posted online to inform me if there are even charges. I suspect his drivers license is no good at all since he was driving his vehicle with the blower last time he was picked up. There is no custody agreement and I feel if I attemp that he will get a similar amount of days anyway. I also feel like there would be repercussions and he would make my life hell in one way or another. I just want my kid to be happy. Will nothing come of these incidents or is it in the pipes and just takes awhile.

Hawkeye13

I don’t know what your state will or won’t do about probation-but it sounds like he has been drinking and driving with your child on multiple occasions, and that is terrifying. Especially if his driving has been erratic / fast / dangerous enough to be pulled over more than once?

I would suggest contacting a lawyer-plus checking with the local police to see if he has indeed been stopped. It is scary to rock the boat, but getting the legal things in place has to be done at some point anyway.

Angrylove

Hawkeye13- no drinking, but driving without the required interlock installed. So basically driving with no license. Again, this is my assumption as he did not have it installed in two of his 3 vehicles and my son said someone else had to come get them on side of road. No way would I let him drive my kid around if I suspected he was drinking

Hawkeye13

Gotcha—sorry I misunderstood.

If you did talk to the lawyer, you could maybe find out about the legal rules for owning multiple vehicles but only having the sober interlock on the one?

trailmix

Totally agree with Hawkeye, this has to be taken care of legally.

I know it's scary, you just want him to go away and not confront him. Apparently he's not going away and is causing you and your Son stress and anxiety. It shouldn't continue. Unfortunately you may have to take some heat over it.

First I would also call the police, find out what the status of his license is, if you can. No license, no driving with your Son. If you find he doesn't have a license, just tell him, no license, don't bother picking him up.

You really need a custody agreement. That he is on probation and requires a lock in his car works in your favour. These are things that you could probably add to the custody agreement - no lock, no travelling. Also, it may limit the amount of time he can get him, since he has had drunk driving charges against him. Speak with a lawyer, see what your options are, you may be in a much better position that you realize.

You could also probably request a breathalyser before he goes anywhere with your Son. There is Soberlink (you can request that your Husband pay the fee for this), so you can have him say, check sobriety at pick up time and every night your Son is going to stay there.

Also, I hope you will file for child support. He's not a great Father and once he realizes there are actual responsibilities that come with being a parent, not just dragging your child around all weekend (omg that sounds so awful), he will probably back off more than you can imagine.

In fact, if you tell him you are filing and what the parameters are that you will request, you might not see him for a long time.

Hatguysgirl

I know it's scary to get the courts involved, but in my experience, you have a slam dunk case for supervised visitation only. If you can afford a lawyer please speak with them, and get the ball rolling. Not only do you deserve financial help for raising your child, but it's scary that he's driving around and getting pulled over regularly with your kid in the car. I went through a divorce very recently and I got full custody of my 3 and dad has supervised visitation only. His license was revoked 10+ years ago, but the only evidence I had of his addictions was my word that things were unsafe for my kids to be in his care. He lied to them and tried to turn it around on me, but as he didn't have his license and didn't deny that he drank too much, he can only see our kids with supervision... Obviously each court and referee will be different, but there is likely a lot of evidence (there will be documentation of being pulled over in a vehicle not having the breathalyzer on it, etc.)

advbike

Is he in AA? Unless he is actively working on his recovery in some way (AA, SMART, or therapy for example) he will be a lousy human being to be around. and resentful of everything.

I feel really bad for your son. There is little value for him in this experience and it may be damaging in terms of learned behaviors. I went through it as a young child but my dad was rarely around (worked overseas). He was always drinking, which your ex may or may not be, but in any case I'm sure your son is tired of the unpredictable behavior.