Drunk Spouse
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Join Date: May 2023
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Drunk Spouse
This past Saturday my wife came home from a small party her friends had for her for her 50th birthday. She was supposed to be home by 6PM but came home around 9PM drunk as a skunk. She's been out with friends before and consumed alcohol but this is the first time in our 18 years of marriage that she has been this drunk. I wasn't going to say anything and just let her sleep it off but when my high school age daughter started crying I felt I had to say something. My daughter has never seen her mother in that condition before, she fell twice in the house and had this smirk on her face as if everything was just fine. I've never seen such disappointment and hurt in my daughter as I saw that night.
I don't get upset very often but I was really mad and we don't swear at all in our house. I did tell my wife how stupid it was of her to drink that much and get in a car and drive home. I am 100 percent positive she would have been arrested for DUI if a cop had pulled her over. And she really could have hurt herself or someone else serioulsy having such poor judegment. I don't drink at all so I have never been drunk in my life and don't know the feeling but my wife is a social drinker and I have always made it a point to drop her off and pick her up if she was planning to consume alcohol so I'm not sure why this Saturday she did not ask me to do so. Everything we try to teach our children at home and in school about the danger of drinking and driving and my wife really screwed up those teachings in one night. I tried to make an example of her and told my daughter this is what happens when people drink too much.
After a few minutes my wife started getting very confrontational and by this time my daughter was sobbing in tears. I told my wife to sleep it off and locked myself in another room and she came pounding on the door. When I would not open it she said was going to leave so I told her she could but she wasn't taking the car so I took the car keys and showed her the door. She went out and started walking down the street in the rain at 10PM. My sobbing daughter went chasing after her and brought her back in about 10 minutes.
Of course the next day was Mother's Day and daughter spent Saturday making a really nice card for her and she was still sobbing Sunday morning when she gave the card to my wife. My wife said the most ungrateful thank you to a child that a parent could ever say. My wife is a very unremorseful person and rarely apoligizes when she's mad. She knows our daughter is hurting badly over this incident but she won't apologize or console my daughter when she's crying.
What makes this incident so shocking is that we've not had marriage problems and her drinking has never been much of an issue because it happened very infrequently. It's now Wednesday and my wife is still very cold to me and my daughter. She shows me no affection and talks to my daughter very coldly. I know my daughter is still hurting and she was still crying on Monday when I came home from work. I told her mommy just needs some time and everything will be okay.
I don't know what to make of it and hope she snaps out of it. I did call her friend that she was with Saturday night and I was ready to chew her out for over serving my wife alcohol and making it even worse by letting her get in the car to drive home. I tried calling her that night at 11PM but she didn't answer and I'm sure I would have said some things I'd regret so it's a good think she didn't answer and when I called her on Monday when I was thinking more clearly I was able to have a civil conversation with her. She did mention that my wife seemed a little depressed about turning 50. I know that alcohol, depression, and menopause don't go well together.
Tomorrow night some of her other friends are taking her out to dinner. I know if I offer to take her she'll get mad at me because she thinks I don't want her driving if she drinks...and that is exactly right I don't. So I called her friend's husband today and asked him to make sure his wife and friends take care of my wife and do not try and get her drunk and make sure she gets home safely. I know if one of her friends says they will pick her up she will be much more receptive than if the offer came from me.
Things are better than they were on the weekend but far from normal. I'm hoping tomorrow night will not be another set back and I know my daughter will be worrying until her mother comes home tomorrow night.
I don't get upset very often but I was really mad and we don't swear at all in our house. I did tell my wife how stupid it was of her to drink that much and get in a car and drive home. I am 100 percent positive she would have been arrested for DUI if a cop had pulled her over. And she really could have hurt herself or someone else serioulsy having such poor judegment. I don't drink at all so I have never been drunk in my life and don't know the feeling but my wife is a social drinker and I have always made it a point to drop her off and pick her up if she was planning to consume alcohol so I'm not sure why this Saturday she did not ask me to do so. Everything we try to teach our children at home and in school about the danger of drinking and driving and my wife really screwed up those teachings in one night. I tried to make an example of her and told my daughter this is what happens when people drink too much.
After a few minutes my wife started getting very confrontational and by this time my daughter was sobbing in tears. I told my wife to sleep it off and locked myself in another room and she came pounding on the door. When I would not open it she said was going to leave so I told her she could but she wasn't taking the car so I took the car keys and showed her the door. She went out and started walking down the street in the rain at 10PM. My sobbing daughter went chasing after her and brought her back in about 10 minutes.
Of course the next day was Mother's Day and daughter spent Saturday making a really nice card for her and she was still sobbing Sunday morning when she gave the card to my wife. My wife said the most ungrateful thank you to a child that a parent could ever say. My wife is a very unremorseful person and rarely apoligizes when she's mad. She knows our daughter is hurting badly over this incident but she won't apologize or console my daughter when she's crying.
What makes this incident so shocking is that we've not had marriage problems and her drinking has never been much of an issue because it happened very infrequently. It's now Wednesday and my wife is still very cold to me and my daughter. She shows me no affection and talks to my daughter very coldly. I know my daughter is still hurting and she was still crying on Monday when I came home from work. I told her mommy just needs some time and everything will be okay.
I don't know what to make of it and hope she snaps out of it. I did call her friend that she was with Saturday night and I was ready to chew her out for over serving my wife alcohol and making it even worse by letting her get in the car to drive home. I tried calling her that night at 11PM but she didn't answer and I'm sure I would have said some things I'd regret so it's a good think she didn't answer and when I called her on Monday when I was thinking more clearly I was able to have a civil conversation with her. She did mention that my wife seemed a little depressed about turning 50. I know that alcohol, depression, and menopause don't go well together.
Tomorrow night some of her other friends are taking her out to dinner. I know if I offer to take her she'll get mad at me because she thinks I don't want her driving if she drinks...and that is exactly right I don't. So I called her friend's husband today and asked him to make sure his wife and friends take care of my wife and do not try and get her drunk and make sure she gets home safely. I know if one of her friends says they will pick her up she will be much more receptive than if the offer came from me.
Things are better than they were on the weekend but far from normal. I'm hoping tomorrow night will not be another set back and I know my daughter will be worrying until her mother comes home tomorrow night.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,650
Hi happycamper, glad you found the forum.
I'm just going to be honest here, it's not likely your wife has an actual drinking problem, would you agree? She may have gone overboard once or twice?
But here is my observation, you may not see this, but your behaviour is of a parent to a child, rather than an equal partner. That may be (I'm guessing) why she is behaving so coldly. That can really create distance. It's a lack of respect, even if temporary. You have called her friends, your friend to monitor her drinking. In truth, she is 50 years old, she can drink as much as she likes, true? You don't have to like it and you can certainly tell her that for sure, but her decisions are hers.
I agree with you 100 percent that drinking and driving is wrong, wrong, wrong and it should never happen and I hope she really grasps that now. Perhaps a quiet word, or no discussion about it with her when she arrived home would have saved the day and it's something you could have discussed, privately, the next day. There is no use talking to someone when they are drunk, just pointless really, well certainly not about anything serious.
Anyway, that's my take, don't mean to be harsh btw, just telling you what I see.
I'm just going to be honest here, it's not likely your wife has an actual drinking problem, would you agree? She may have gone overboard once or twice?
But here is my observation, you may not see this, but your behaviour is of a parent to a child, rather than an equal partner. That may be (I'm guessing) why she is behaving so coldly. That can really create distance. It's a lack of respect, even if temporary. You have called her friends, your friend to monitor her drinking. In truth, she is 50 years old, she can drink as much as she likes, true? You don't have to like it and you can certainly tell her that for sure, but her decisions are hers.
I agree with you 100 percent that drinking and driving is wrong, wrong, wrong and it should never happen and I hope she really grasps that now. Perhaps a quiet word, or no discussion about it with her when she arrived home would have saved the day and it's something you could have discussed, privately, the next day. There is no use talking to someone when they are drunk, just pointless really, well certainly not about anything serious.
Anyway, that's my take, don't mean to be harsh btw, just telling you what I see.
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Join Date: May 2023
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Thanks I aprreciate the comments and it helps to see things from a different perspective. I called her friends because I'm worried about her is that wrong? I thought about letting her go tomorrow night without saying a word and just pray she makes it home safely but I would never be able to forgive myself if she were to get in an accident knowing I could have done something. She is a stubborn woman and given the same circumstances she'd try to drive herself home again and given the lack of communication we are having at the moment she is not about to ask me to drop her off and pick her up. I almost wish he had been arrested for DUI on Saturday because it might take something like that for her to realize how serious drinking and driving is. Most people drink and drive because they think they can but I don't want my wife to be one of those that finds out it cannot be done.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,650
In my experience, having known people who drink and drive, getting a DUI is not generally a game changer. For some people, when they are drunk, all caution and inhibition (and much good judgement) flies out the window.
This is not her normal behaviour though and hopefully she will never do it again. She is generally a responsible person I am guessing? But you never had that discussion because now all you are receiving is resentment. That's a different issue though, not drinking related, that break down in communication, wouldn't you say?
Personally? I would have said, I hope we can talk about this soon, but in the meantime, let me drive you tomorrow night and pick you up.
In calling her friends you have said, I don't trust my wife, she has no control over her drinking and you must mind her (like a child). That will probably add fuel to the resentment fire.
You might have a discussion about never taking the car out to these get togethers (which she might even agree to now). Aside from resentment she is probably feeling ashamed I would think.
The only person you really have control over is yourself. Making boundaries for yourself is important. What if she drinks and drives again? What will you do. That's probably a good question to ask yourself even to just reflect on what you actually did do and how that might have been different.
A boundary isn't a rule. She has her own car and she is free to do with it what she will. So a rule might be, if you drink and drive again you won't be allowed to drive it out at night anymore. Rules are unenforceable for adults, so ultimatums like that are just a waste of time.
A boundary would be, if you drink and drive again, we won't be able to live together anymore. I can't support that kind of example for my child and I feel that strongly that it's wrong. So with a boundary you aren't asking her to do anything, she can comply or not, up to her. The consequence is you move out, that's within your power, it's your boundary and your action.
Anyway that's just an example of course, not a suggestion. This could all be resolved quite simply, hopefully, at this point.
This is not her normal behaviour though and hopefully she will never do it again. She is generally a responsible person I am guessing? But you never had that discussion because now all you are receiving is resentment. That's a different issue though, not drinking related, that break down in communication, wouldn't you say?
Personally? I would have said, I hope we can talk about this soon, but in the meantime, let me drive you tomorrow night and pick you up.
In calling her friends you have said, I don't trust my wife, she has no control over her drinking and you must mind her (like a child). That will probably add fuel to the resentment fire.
You might have a discussion about never taking the car out to these get togethers (which she might even agree to now). Aside from resentment she is probably feeling ashamed I would think.
The only person you really have control over is yourself. Making boundaries for yourself is important. What if she drinks and drives again? What will you do. That's probably a good question to ask yourself even to just reflect on what you actually did do and how that might have been different.
A boundary isn't a rule. She has her own car and she is free to do with it what she will. So a rule might be, if you drink and drive again you won't be allowed to drive it out at night anymore. Rules are unenforceable for adults, so ultimatums like that are just a waste of time.
A boundary would be, if you drink and drive again, we won't be able to live together anymore. I can't support that kind of example for my child and I feel that strongly that it's wrong. So with a boundary you aren't asking her to do anything, she can comply or not, up to her. The consequence is you move out, that's within your power, it's your boundary and your action.
Anyway that's just an example of course, not a suggestion. This could all be resolved quite simply, hopefully, at this point.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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This sound like a really big mistake, not an issue with addiction, at least from what you've described here.
Having a child go off into the night after her mother seems dangerous, for the child at least. I wouldn't allow that again. Maybe, call the police and tell them she's intoxicated and not safe out there alone?
" So I called her friend's husband today and asked him to make sure his wife and friends take care of my wife and do not try and get her drunk and make sure she gets home safely. I know if one of her friends says they will pick her up she will be much more receptive than if the offer came from me."
I can see this going either of two ways. If you called me and said, "Velma, my wife drove home the other night, clearly under the influence, and it scared the heck out of us," in a concerned tone, I'd be appalled that [we, I guess] dropped the ball, and vow to be more assertive in the future. If you called a husband and told him that your wife needs caretaking (and BTW maybe his wife needs to be reined in, too!) you may have created the impression that you're a controlling SOB.
Having a child go off into the night after her mother seems dangerous, for the child at least. I wouldn't allow that again. Maybe, call the police and tell them she's intoxicated and not safe out there alone?
" So I called her friend's husband today and asked him to make sure his wife and friends take care of my wife and do not try and get her drunk and make sure she gets home safely. I know if one of her friends says they will pick her up she will be much more receptive than if the offer came from me."
I can see this going either of two ways. If you called me and said, "Velma, my wife drove home the other night, clearly under the influence, and it scared the heck out of us," in a concerned tone, I'd be appalled that [we, I guess] dropped the ball, and vow to be more assertive in the future. If you called a husband and told him that your wife needs caretaking (and BTW maybe his wife needs to be reined in, too!) you may have created the impression that you're a controlling SOB.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Happycamper
Whatever the truth is with your wife, you would probably benefit from AlAnon.
I found a great online meeting and have a new sponsor from that meeting. We talk once a week. O hope you will give it a try.
Whatever the truth is with your wife, you would probably benefit from AlAnon.
I found a great online meeting and have a new sponsor from that meeting. We talk once a week. O hope you will give it a try.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Like it or not, your wife is an adult. Adults don't always make the best decisions. And short of your wife's friends holding her down and forcing the alcohol down her throat, the decision to drink (and get drunk) was hers. A sure way to make the situation between you and her worse is to get her friends involved in something that belongs between the two of you. I'm not defending your wife's decision, but trying to control someone else's drinking, whether they have a problem with alcohol or not, is fruitless and only creates bad blood. Like is so often said here in these forums, your wife obviously isn't the one who has a problem with her drinking, it's you that it's bothering. And it's not the right vs wrong so much as it is finding a way to protect your emotional health (and your daughter's) from her actions without trying to control them. Does that make sense? I know it's hard. Many, many of us have been where you are. Peace to you.
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