LoveMyAHusband

Well, I was finally at peace, and then life threw me another curveball. For reasons I don’t think are relevant, my AH his been removed from residential treatment halfway through. He has been actively working on finding another center, but is not having a lot of luck. He is simultaneously looking for IOPs and an immediate job. He is also attending regular meetings and staying sober. All good things.

What I’m looking for help with is good resources about what to do now. He is currently still staying at his mom’s because he felt like he has no other immediate option and because he worries that being here will result in him sliding back into old habits. I’ve made it clear to him that he is welcome at home and that being at his mom’s is his choice (this morning - he hasn’t had time to digest it). He confirmed that he is committed to our relationship. But all the reading and studying I’ve been doing has either been about myself/codependency or about what life will be like with a loved one in recovery, which I assumed would be a month or two from now (longer if he went to sober living) and after a few more things got resolved (like him feeling displaced when I asked him to go, which I now know was very triggering of past prior-to-me hurts).

What has worked for those of you who have been through this before? Is it getting a place on his own for a bit up here? Is it him staying with his mom until he has some time under his belt? Is it him coming home? We have children that miss him, have never had violence or abuse in the home, and, frankly, I miss his presence in my daily life. I listed out my needs, and one of them is definitely regular contact and time together. I know myself to know if grow resentful without that. I’m trying to understand his need to work through things on his own while still staying connected as a family, and I’m open to out-of-the-box ideas. What ideas or resources can you think of?

trailmix

I've never known anyone who got to recovery, personally (well not that they told me - I did have an acquaintance).

You know, there really are no "rules" here.

It is very common for an alcoholic to leave treatment after 2 weeks or so. If his reason for leaving is anything other than his insurance ran out, this is a huge warning sign.

I'm confused by him not coming home but ok with going to his Mom's house, where he drank - a lot. Where he probably started drinking. Something doesn't seem right here.

Of course you have a stake in this and asking for regular contact seems quite fair.

As for where he lives, it's back to the 3 c's. What is "best" is whatever he decides to do to stay sober.

velma929

I'm confused, too. I was under the impression that owing to a custody inquiry ongoing, it was important that no addict be lliving in your home. Has something changed? Because it sounds like your husband hasn't.

He was thrown out residential treatment for not following the rules and protocols of the program. You may not think the reasons are relevent, but the people who run the program seem to disagree.

*Where* he lives makes no difference, really. If he truly desires recovery, he will have to accept the fact that 85%of the population can drink without ill effects and he can't. Those people are everywhere - his friends, your friends, his mother, most of the people eating out in restaurants.

mylifeismine

This is another strange turn of events- him not calling, you showing up for family therapy and being turned away
so oddly, and this from your previous thread
“And he said they recommended I don’t come to the family group (because “there’s more than addiction at play””
Did you find out what this was about?
I don’t believe he is telling you everything……sorry.
Did you know each other for very long before getting married?

ToughChoices

Having lived through this exact situation, I can share that separation was the key to my growth and peace. Looking back, it would have been simplest to stick to my original plan of having my late ex-AH stay in his own apartment for 6 months after his rehab mess. That would have given him space to focus on his recovery (or continued drinking) while I focused on myself.

However.

I was young and intensely enmeshed in his life. I missed him so terribly, hated how much our child missed him, desperately believed in his ability to recover, and wanted things "to go back to normal" so much, that I invited him to return to our family home after just a month of separation. It took less than 3 months for his drinking to devolve into habitual ridiculousness. At that point, he refused to leave our house, insisting that the problem existed only in my mind. So, I moved myself and my 3- year-old into a tiny, safe rental and commenced to regain my sanity.

All of those back-and-forth shenanigans were necessary for me to TRULY understand my powerlessness over his choices, so I'm glad that they happened. But it would have been simpler (and far less expensive) if I had trusted my initial instincts and maintained my mandatory 6-month separation stance (a year would have been even more helpful). My ex could never maintain lasting sobriety. He died from complications due to alcohol abuse at age 42. I don't say that to scare you, but to tell you that there is NO WAY to love someone into recovery. It is not your path to walk. Physical separation gives you the space to observe his behavior rather than his words. It gives you the time to decide if his recovery (or continued drinking) fits into the picture you desire for your own life.

I recall my ex's "post-rehab" phase as one of the hardest periods of my life. Lots of complicated emotions and fear.

Please know that you are loved. You are good and worthy. He is trying. That may be enough, and it may not be. But you are enough, independent of him. You are not responsible for his failure or success, only your own.

LoveMyAHusband

The custody situation was me being proactive because I knew there was a clause in my agreement that automatically triggered a change in the future (which is today), and I know my ex is more than happy to go back to court and didn’t want to give him any reasons to. Ideally it will be smooth sailing, but he’s already threatened me once this week with court (as he often does). This situation has not been resolved. It could happen smoothly or become a mess. No idea.

As far as what happened in the center, I truly think he’s telling me the truth, and I don’t think he broke any rules. I’ve had the chance now to spend a decent amount of time with him. I know that sounds ignorant, but his story held water for me, knowing the full story and knowing his past. As I said, I don’t think it’s relevant to his sobriety beyond that he is unexpectedly not finishing that program. To answer the question, we dated for a year before marrying. I feel like I know him well, but only as far as he knows himself. There’s a lot that’s been repressed and he’s just barely revisiting and learning about (nothing severe so far - divorce of parents and the like).

I appreciate the reminder about the “more things at play” comment. I will ask him about that.

He did clarify that he literally did not want to see anyone at all while he was there. He didn’t realize I got invited or turned away until after it happened. He said people (presumably his parents, since no one else knew where he was) just kept showing up without an invitation from him. He tends to want solitude when he’s thinking through things, so that made sense. (Although it’s also an indication of lack of boundaries).

I also appreciate the feedback about having someone come back right away and wishing there’d been space. After chatting, I feel less fearful (though no less desirous) about having him be somewhere else. I don’t like where he is staying, but I was finally able to explain why.

I’m hoping sleeping on it will help with clarity, but I know he still needs to work some things out (beyond just recovery, but related) with a therapist, like him being upset that I asked him to go. I don’t think that’s something I’ll be able to get through to him on. In the meantime, he expressed feeling overwhelmed now that he’s out with all the changes he has to make and that he’s trying to tackle one thing at a time. The kids came home unexpectedly and were extra affectionate and excited to see him, which was good for him to see. I think for now the best thing to do is to give him some space to figure things out (he has a job interview tomorrow closer to home, which is good). But I still want to do more research into how married people have successfully transitioned from treatment to home.

mylifeismine

I think TC gave you some valuable insight but we know that everyone's journey is their own
and as TC said, it takes what it takes for US to truly understand......
My RAH and I had decades of marriage between us post rehab and it is a very difficult time.
Their are so many emotions and changes, good days and bad days, frustrations.
Two people trying to change their lives and there is no script. AA helped my husband
and alanon, a counselor trained in addiction therapy, this board and lots of prayers
and connection with my higher power helped me. It's not an easy road, and a person's
basic personality doesn't change with sobriety, some things become more pronounced
without alcohol to self medicate. It's a lifelong challenge to remain sober, easier for
some than others. I believe it's easier to be apart during this time, harder if you are
together as we were, but it can be done. My H had just watched his brother and a
close childhood friend die from effects of alcohol abuse - that's what it took for him
to get sober and stay sober.

trailmix

Hope you are doing ok today ILMH.

LoveMyAHusband

Thanks for checking. Things are going well. He’s been spending time here, which has been really wonderful. Still a lot to sort out, for sure. He got a pretty good job today, but I’m not sure what his plan is for continuing to make progress. I’m taking things a day at a time and staying out of it.

trailmix

That's great that he got the job he went for today.

Yes, a day at a time, very wise! Glad things are going as well as can be expected.

LoveMyAHusband

We had a really, really great evening/morning together this week. I assume it was the whole “pink cloud” concept, but I’m grateful for it anyway. I received a lot of clarity in terms of his high level of commitment to our relationship, which I’m also very grateful for. We did discuss the possibility of him coming back home, but I told him he would have to be very intentional about his recovery plan if it was going to be successful.

Unfortunately, he left our house late in the morning Friday and then I haven’t heard back from him. Given that he’s been pretty consistent with communication all week, it’s safe to assume he’s drinking. After such a great time with me and the kids, I just am floored by how impossibly hard the drive to drink must be for him to run back to it so quickly. I wish I knew what triggered him this time, and I wish I could talk to him to remind him that falling down is only a problem if you don’t get back up but he’s back to not responding and obviously going to see him isn’t an option I have on the table.

I’ve been really sad for him and us the last couple days, but I do feel a bit more detached about it than I’ve felt before. I understand that this is just part of his journey. And although there are all these ups and downs, in the big picture there’s a positive direction. I’ll just continue to take things a day at a time, send him all the positive vibes from here, and keep holding down the fort. I hope he picks himself up quickly and realizes he needs more support and work because I want him to be alive and healthy, and I want him to make his way back to us. He really is a wonderful human.

I’m so grateful for this forum, my Al-Anon groups, and all the literature I’ve been reading. As hard as this is, I know I’d be completely devastated and shattered if I had not been prepared for it.

trailmix

Well, I am glad that you were able to have a talk at least. It helps to put your mind at ease I'm sure and that's a good thing.

It is hard to wrap your head around. If you are not an alcoholic how to understand the drive to drink. It's not just wow, I'm uptight, a beer would take the edge off that and more! When a person drinks (any person really) the brain releases all these feel good chemicals. Eventually, over time, if you keep drinking consistently and heavily, the brain says, hang on, why am I bothering with this in-between drinks, when I am producing this flood with a drink.

Therefore non drinking times start to fall flat. You will hear alcoholics say they are "bored" many times. Well a sunset, a crossword puzzle, a walk in the forest isn't nearly as good with no feel good feedback. Being with your family doesn't provide that either.

Over time, the brain can heal, levels - level out (this can take quite some time) and all is pretty good. But the person has to remain sober for that healing to take place. That's only a little piece of it, but I think it's a big one. Imagine if every day were flat.

Then there is the addiction. You can't settle to anything, you mind is saying - drink, now. You can try watching a movie, going for a walk - but all you are thinking of is the next drink, drink, drink, drink.

There never has to be a "trigger" - I think that is where drinking/drugging is misunderstood. An alcoholic doesn't need a reason to drink. New job, let's drink! Uncle Sal lost his job, we better have a drink! Alcoholics drink because they are addicted, not because of "triggers".

​​​​​​​This is all over simplified, of course, but addiction is complicated.

trailmix

"As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness.

This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them".
-
Physical dependence is not addiction.

"Addiction refers to a complex behavioral syndrome including abnormal importance of the drug or activity; use of the drug or activity to an extreme and often harmful degree; continued use or activity despite negative consequences; psychological defenses of denial, rationalization, minimization and projection of blame; and personality changes and life disruption as a consequence of use or activity".

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

velma929

There was an article in National Geographic decades ago about alcoholism and fetal alcohol syndrome. A man from Italy was asked about alcoholism there, where even children were sometimes offered water-down wine on occasion. He said, yes, that's true. But Italians drink to celebrate, and "Americans celebrate as an excuse to drink."

LoveMyAHusband

Thanks for sharing that material! It really does help me feel better. He’s been completely silent since he left our house three days ago. Not a single word. This after promising consistent communication, frequent visits, and considering moving back in together. I really thought he wasn’t so far gone because what we had was so good (the way he treated me at his worst was within the realm of a normal good relationship), but now I’m starting to see that just because he’s been a good partner to me doesn’t diminish his reliance on alcohol. I am worried sick for his future and feeling really pessimistic about our future together. I could’ve dealt with all the mood swings and time spent away at AA meetings, etc., but the lack of communication is really pushing me over the edge. No matter how much he’s confirmed to me that he cares about our family, he’s also showing me that we are a far distant second to alcohol. I’m just so heartbroken over it because now I don’t know if he will make it back to us or not. It’s easier to keep drinking at his mom’s than to do the work to get back on his feet. It breaks my heart not just for me but also for my kids that he could just discard us like this.

trailmix

Yes, unfortunately it's probably why he keeps choosing Mom's house.

As I'm sure you already know, worrying won't help you, or him, at all. Easier to say than apply. If you try to keep uppermost in your mind that he is a grown man and is making his own choices, that can sometimes help.

Now, just as with any person that has a mental illness, you hate to see them in the throes of it and you would like to help, but that's way out of your area of expertise? Even if you were a trained psychiatrist, you are too close to this. Also keep in mind he has just spent 2 weeks with those very people. Psychiatrists, psychologists, therapist, counsellors, whose main focus is treating addiction. They didn't get through to him.

It sounds like right now his allegiance is actually at best divided, but surely swinging toward allegiance to alcohol. Many times you will read threads where an alcoholic has married someone, had children and perhaps when the children are still quite young, babies even, the alcoholic will leave (or the partner does).

Alcoholics, as you also know from experience are not non-human. Generally they want the same things many people want, someone who loves them, a comfortable home, perhaps children and a good job.

In order to have those things you have to be focused on them though. You have to do well at work, be a good spouse and parent, organize things, take responsibility. These things can be challenging for anyone, imagine trying to do them drunk.

But people will try and eventually, it all becomes too much. Alcoholism is progressive and all that goes along with that. Things fall by the wayside. Management is firehouse management, trying to hop from one thing to the next to try to keep things on an even keel. It's not a very successful approach and doesn't really work so something has to give.

It's important, if you can, to keep your expectations of him very low perhaps. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for more hurt. He may come back, but in the meantime, taking the focus off him is so important for you (and your kids).

LoveMyAHusband

I don’t think his attention is divided anymore. Despite feeling more confident than ever that he wants this family, it’s pretty clear that we don’t have a place in his life. Alcohol is a greedy mistress. He’s not focused on literally anything other than drinking. He has not done a single thing besides drink since he’s been gone. Literally.

My expectations right now are at zero. He hasn’t even bothered to say a word to me. I’m so deeply hurt and disappointed in him that it could easily slide into being irreparable, and if it gets to that point I’ll never forgive him for abandoning us like this. I’m angry with him, and so, so hurt. I know it’s the alcohol, but he has the power and resources to come out of it and it seems like he’s lost interest in trying. I’m heartbroken. He was everything I wanted in a partner. And frankly it’s hard not to feel like we weren’t enough for him to climb out of this - not because we aren’t intrinsically enough, but because he chose the coward’s way out and didn’t value us enough himself. Maybe I’m being too harsh, but I just don’t understand how he can just walk away from our family so easily. I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive this if he ever does try to come back.

trailmix

You may not be able to forgive him for it, but that's something to ponder.

My Father was an alcoholic all his life. He was married and had a Son and two Daughters. He came home from being away from work one time and they were gone. That was that. He never saw his Sons again, he did have sporadic contact with his daughter (also an alcoholic).

Then he married my mom and I have 2 siblings. They divorced after around 20 years, when we were teenagers. She put up with him, he was a good provider and she was a stay at home Mom, I don't blame her for staying - at all. She was a great person, patient, smart, funny, didn't drink, had lots of friends, people liked her. We moved around the world, which was great.

Anyway, he never did quit drinking and they didn't really even fight about that. I think my Mom just accepted it - as it was. They fought about other things, just not that, that I remember.

All this is to say, it has nothing to do with you, really. You could be a perfect wife and family, with the perfect home - there is nothing - nothing that is stronger than his drive to drink. When he isn't drinking he's thinking about drinking, when he is drinking he is calculating if he has enough for the day, when he is pretty sure he has enough he also reviews what time the store closes so that he can get more if needed.

My Dad wasn't a "bad" guy, he always worked, a responsible job, he was very smart and also funny - but he was an alcoholic and all that goes with that.

ToughChoices

It's human to be harsh. Go easy on yourself, this is a huge adjustment and loss for you.

Addiction is hell for everyone it touches.

I would gently suggest that he is not walking away easily. It may look easy, but it's not. He is drugging himself into numbness and oblivion so that he can stand the pain of his LACK. When he awakens from the oblivion the LACK comes back. The fear returns. The cycle repeats.

He is terribly ill, but he is the only one responsible for his recovery. He is not ready to make that choice yet. He values his own (altered) peace of mind over his family. This is, very sadly, normal for addiction.

You sound ready to make some choices that will benefit your own recovery. Don't worry about forgiveness, yet. You can't force that, and you're still in the middle of pain. You are doing well. Keep breathing, walking, posting.

Sending you lots of love and understanding.

LoveMyAHusband

I definitely know this to be true. When everything seemed just fine, I remember him checking the cabinets to make sure there was always enough in stock at home. Enough, of course, constantly grew. And I remember the glances at the clock, the constant stir leading up to when the store opened and closed. I didn’t think much of it beyond just being practical at first. It wasn’t until later that I realized that he’d probably been thinking about those things for hours before.

I hear what you’re saying about your dad. My husband is similar in some ways. He isn’t a bad person, even when inebriated. He’s always been good to me, albeit much more on edge when he was in his dry drunk phase. I wish he didn’t have this affliction. It’s ugly and it constantly steals from who he is.