LoveMyAHusband

Thanks for being understanding as I work through the stages of grief here. I know this anger piece isn’t me at my best.

And given what I know about him, I can see that you are right. I haven’t heard a word from him in nearly six days now. But what I’ve found is that neither has anyone else, including his brother, who he would always joke around with via text when drunk. He is a deep feeler, which is one of the things I love about him, but also I can see where shame and disappointment with himself would lead to him holing up like he is. As far as I’m aware, he hasn’t even left his mom’s house except to go to the liquor store (and that includes to go to the new job, which I’m sure he no longer has). I’m scared for where his psyche must be right now, not to mention his health (I’m counting our lucky stars that he stayed mostly sober for half a year before this so his liver could heal). I’ve managed to stay fairly well detached the last couple days, and I haven’t been reaching out anymore, but a part of me can’t help but wonder if he needs me to be shown that we still love and value him. I’m angry, yes, but I still love him and worry about him. And I still hope things somehow work out between us at some point (preferably soon rather than later).

And I also vacillate between being angry with him and missing him so much it hurts. Two months ago I would never have guessed we would be here. I had a wonderful partner and thought we would love happily ever after. We’d faced so much together and he’d been exactly the partner I’d been looking for. And detachment feels like abandoning him in his time of need. Like I’m confirming his deepest fears that he’s not good enough (when I know full well how wonderfully worthy of a human he is).

Does any of that make sense? I know I’m describing two completely opposed sets of feelings, yet they are both real and so strong. I don’t know whether to keep staying out of it or to go see him and try to give him some sense of hope.

LoveMyAHusband

Also, what is LACK? @ToughChoices

ToughChoices

Forgive me if this gets kind of philosophical....I'm just speaking from my experience as someone who intensely loved an addict, and someone who, now, is, herself, a recovering addict.

I just typed in CAPSLOCK for emphasis. LACK is not an acronym or fancy treatment term. LACK is lack. Lack is the big absence. The absence of something precious and difficult to identify.

LACK is what's missing from one's soul. What I'm longing for without realizing that I'm longing. What I'm dreaming of when I can't remember the dream.

You wrote that your A is a "deep feeler." So was mine. So am I. So are you. This is a blessing in a healthy spirit, and a burden in addiction/codependence.

LACK is the emptiness that I felt even when I was surrounded by laughter, kind faces, good food, and soft places to sleep. When my bank account was comfortably full and my job seemed important. That emptiness had NOTHING to do with the genuineness of the laughter, the beauty of the faces, the taste of the food, or the quality of the linens. It wasn't about money or meaning. It only had to do with my soul, and its separation from my Higher Power.

Loving an addict, I was obsessed with improving the quality of his life experience so that he could find contentment. I was fluffing pillows, cooking nice meals, and carefully applying makeup while he fought the urge to drink himself to death. I was carefully measuring my words and searching for properly supportive language so that he would choose health. I was handling EVERYTHING so that he wouldn't have additional reasons to feel anxious. This was toxic for both of us. It softened his fall, and it made my life all about him instead of about me.

I can remember posting here as I worked through my separation/divorce that I was beginning to realize the LACK was present in me, too. I'll bump that thread and you can see if it's helpful - I think it was called "Where's the hole?" At the time, I could sense that my desire for a partner was me trying to force a person into my Higher Power-shaped hole. My ex-AH fit there for a while, and I actually forced my current (lovely) spouse to occupy that space for a bit. But the LACK is not where people belong, and at some point, I, too, found that alcohol/drugs are pretty decent (though very temporary) fit for the hole.

Addiction found me, too. The only way I have found freedom is by connecting to my HP. AA's 12 Steps promise that God will grant us a Spiritual Awakening, if we do the work. It promises that our desire to drink/use will be entirely removed. That has been absolutely true for me. I can now see that the idea of anyone else doing my spiritual work for me (no matter how much they love me) is patently ridiculous.

My current partner has helped me by refusing to see me as broken, refusing to pity me, insisting that I was capable of being who I wanted to be, taking care of his share of responsibilities around our home, and leaving me alone to work out my nonsense. He fluffed ZERO pillows. He had ZERO compassionate, aching conversations with me about my worth. In hindsight, that has been immensely helpful in giving me the freedom to find my freedom.

Each person changes (or does not) based on their own spiritual program/progress/condition. Sometimes the LACK is motivating. Sometimes it is too overwhelming. I don't know why some succeed and others fail. My beautiful, intelligent, ambitious ex-husband could never overcome.

I like this reading from February 6th in AA's Twenty-Four Hours a Day:
"God finds, amid the crowd, a few people who follow Him (or Her), just to be near Him, just to dwell in Her presence. A longing in the Eternal Heart may be satisfied by these few people. I will let God know that I seek just to dwell in His presence, to be near Her, not so much for teaching or a message, as just for Her. It may be that the longing of the human heart to be loved for itself is something caught from the Great Divine Heart."

It is thought-provoking for me to consider that the LACK is something I have in common with God. That I want to be loved for myself just as He/She desires this love from me.

edoering

I really relate to this as my ex was suicidally depressed at the same time as his relapse. However, it helped to remind myself that his mental health is something I can’t fix, only he can. If he wants my love and help and support, he will communicate that, otherwise I am giving something that wasn’t asked for and possibly not even wanted (addiction brain doesn’t want to be helped, it wants to keep drinking and drugging usually). My help was resented and resentments grew in me because I was helping with the aim of changing his current state. Yes, changed for his best interest, but still that was something I wanted for him that he didn’t want.

Additionally, trying to “read his mind” and guess what he “needs” from you is codependency. I know how hard it is to ask for help when you are depressed or in a dark place, but at the same time, it is something we have to learn or we will not be able to function. And sometimes, in dark places, people don’t want support, they might want privacy or (in the case of addiction) to use more to numb all feeling. If your support is important to him, he will ask for it.

I also relate to the shock and surprise. I had a great, reliable partner for about 7 years. I didn’t—couldn’t—believe this addiction version of him was real. But it’s absolutely a part of him. My family has a lot of neurodivergence, and it’s both a positive and a negative, and there’s a lot of emphasis on learning to manage our own brains to utilize the strengths and navigate the challenges. I started to realize the things I loved about my ex were linked to the same vulnerabilities that contributed to his battles with addiction. They came intertwined, and only he could navigate expressing the total package in a healthy way and not a destructive one.

Once or twice in my life I have felt very intense depression. (I’ve also felt lesser depression at several levels, but it never lasts long enough for it to be the disorder). But it has helped me have some first hand sensation of the feelings I believe my spouse had. One day, I just woke up, and I was just a black hole. No light could enter. I watched my family sending me soooo much love and I could see it and hear it, but it was like in a tunnel, underwater, from far away—it couldn’t reach me. I couldn’t feel ANY love at all, no matter how hard they tried. And the harder the tried the more I hated myself for not feeling better with their love. Luckily, I went to sleep, woke up the next day and the feeling was gone, I was back in the land of the living. But it did show me it’s very possible to know you are loved, but not be able to feel it. Be wary of loving into a black hole—sometimes addiction brain even uses that to self-flagellate and self-hate when they can’t feel your love. They can use it as “proof” of what a horrible person they are. And the black hole doesn’t go anywhere, it doesn’t help, you will just get sucked dry of love and have nothing left to give.

Think airplane masks, you can’t help anyone if you don’t secure your oxygen first.

You can’t control his abandonment and worthiness issues, only he can. You can’t love those issues and fears out of him. And you might just drown trying, and that doesn’t help anyone.

How about you? What do you need right now? ❤️

LoveMyAHusband

Thank you for sharing both this and the other thread. Both were very enlightening.

What you describe here is exactly the type of spouse I want to be for him if he makes his way back home. I’ve certainly failed at a lot of this in the past, but I know more and better now. Thank you for sharing!

LoveMyAHusband

I, in particular, appreciate these snippets. He’s had access to his phone for the last week and would have reached out if he wanted it. I’m glad I didn’t reach out the last several days and that I didn’t let my thoughts yesterday push me to any action.

Your description of a bout of depression was also helpful. I know his problem isn’t that he isn’t loved enough - he is very loved, even beyond me. Sometimes to his detriment, in fact. And if seeing me was somehow triggering, I do believe it was in the self-flagellating way you describe. But I certainly don’t take the blame for his decisions.

Good question - I need some peace. I’m not sure how to get a reprieve from my son or my ex’s or my MIL’s hostility, so I’m trying to not respond when conversations aren’t respectful. I’m also keeping myself busy, focusing on work and my volunteer gigs, and going to regular meetings. Beyond that, I’m not sure what I want or need to do, to be honest. I don’t have a lot of mental bandwidth left to do any more.

LoveMyAHusband

In other news, I’ve received word that my AH is in detox again. I was also told the family blames me for his relapse (if you can even call it that after a couple weeks of not drinking) because it happened after he spent time here at home. Besides being irritated, I think I’m taking it ok, since I know that isn’t true. (It’s ironic, though, given that he only drinks at his mom’s house.). Send good vibes his way again. Hopefully he learned from whatever happened at his last treatment center so he can complete this next one.

trailmix

I guess they don't know what they don't know!

Anyway, it's good he is in detox again, is he headed to a different facility afterward?

LoveMyAHusband

I think that’s the idea. The mom is keeping very tight-lipped about it. And I actually got a call from his dad today (the first time anyone’s bothered to have a real conversation with me in the couple months we’ve been on this particular roller coaster ride) in which he asked me if I’d be willing to cut ties with my husband to save his life. He said my AH and the therapist in the group sessions I was blocked from going to thought I’m the trigger for his drinking and that our (monogamous) sex life is a trigger. And he told me that if he was the cause of his drinking he’d be willing to step aside and that he wouldn’t want his death on his conscience. I wish I’d said less, but I am proud of myself for saying it wasn’t ok for him to hurl accusations like that at me. I feel incredibly violated that my sex life was discussed in a room with a bunch of people including his parents without my presence (not that there is anything to hide - he may have been seeking dopamine, but there’s nothing I’m ashamed of or that I deem inappropriate). I’m very hurt by what his family is doing, but I feel good about my ability to look at the situations separately. I feel like I’ve grown a lot. I’m glad he is where is is, and I’m hopeful that he will be in the hands of competent professionals who can see through his and his family’s BS and actually help him. I spoke to him momentarily today (unintentionally - I got patched through to him when I didn’t want or mean to). It was very short because I was trying to get off the phone to respect his space, but he affirmed his stance in this relationship. And this was before the call with his dad. There’s going to be so much to work through after this that would’ve have been unnecessary had his parents not meddled (and had he not let them).

trailmix

Wow.

So a therapist agreed that your sex life is a trigger. Unless he is incompetent, I find that hard to believe (and who knows, maybe he is incompetent). Since your in-laws obviously have no understanding of alcoholism, their take on what the therapist said might just be off base.

For instance if your husband said - whatever he said and the therapist replied something like - well that may be possible and something we should discuss or ok let's look at that more in our next session - doesn't mean he is agreeing. But who knows how it went. Not sure if you mentioned "monogamous" as in - he (AH) finds monogamy too difficult, or if you mentioned it just as an aside.

Perhaps if the parents loosened their grip on him he would be better off, but I'm sure they haven't considered that. Although who knows what you AH has told them (true or not) to get them off his back. It's a mess.

I also hope that his next rehab will go much better (and that he stays for the full treatment).

LoveMyAHusband

That’s all true - I have no idea what was said. I feel very violated that such a topic was discussed with his parents. When I say monogamous, I mean that he has been loyal to me and I to him. Nothing inappropriate has ever happened in our relationship. Does he like endorphins? Yes, obviously. We all do. This is ridiculous. I’m glad the therapist was helping him see how much he seeks to alter his mood, but to have discussed it with people who would weaponize things against me was not ok. I feel so sick to my stomach over it.

I’m crossing my fingers he sets better boundaries this time. If he doesn’t, I certainly will. I will not listen to anyone accuse me of causing his drinking when I know full well I didn’t.

trailmix

Well if the endorphins are a trigger I guess it's worth him discussing, but also not unusual. Do his parents think he will be celibate for the rest of his life? Have they thought about this at all?

Yes, his Father was completely out of line, especially the giving him up to save his life. Really? He's a psychiatrist now? Their plan appears to be to keep him wrapped in cotton, at their house, so nothing ever "triggers" him to drink, instead of addressing his issues. But he drinks at their house, so that plan might have a glitch.

It must be very frustrating to listen to their quacking, stay strong though, you are doing well.

edoering

I’ve seen people on this forum have to ask themselves this question. But NOT because they are thinking they’re a “trigger,” but because they are considering if they are enabling and wondering when is the right time to go no-contact.

I’m glad you were able to see his comment for the nonsense that for what it is and not let it get to you!

venuscat

I have tried to be quiet, but I can't anymore.

This is ludicrous, love. I don't believe any of this for a second. I don't believe the therapist said any of that at all. I think you need to see this for what it is: your husband is not operating with any level of honesty here. And what scares me, is that any alcoholic who blames their partner or anyone else at all for their drinking is not in recovery.

LoveMyAHusband

Amen! That’s what I told his dad. As long as my AH is placing blame on anyone other than himself, he is not recovering. And the longer they keep pointing fingers, the longer it will take him to get to that point. He’s going to have to live in this imperfect world full of triggers, and they’re not doing him any favors. Thank goodness I’ve been spending this time listening and learning because I don’t even know how I would’ve taken his comments last night if I hadn’t. I know I could’ve handled the call better, but I’m pretty happy overall with how my resilience and detachment has grown.

venuscat

Well done dear LMAH!! s ❤️
I am really glad that you are looking after you. xxx

TropicalWinter

His family will absolutely blame you, in part because with you as a scapegoat they can avoid their own self reflection of their part in the dynamic.

Time to focus on you, your healing, and your kids. You can't change any of them.

Seren

I'm sorry to read this narrative of your husband's behavior and his family's behavior, but I'm not surprised. I've seen this dynamic play out over and over again here on SR. Alcoholism is a family disease, and I'm happy that you are protecting yourself and your children from any further impacts.

None of this is easy. Hang in there!

LoveMyAHusband

I heard from my AH today. He’s going into a 30 day treatment center tomorrow. He asked how I was doing, so I told him a TINY bit of what’s gone on this week. I told him things were rough with his family placing all the blame on me, that I didn’t like hearing that everyone was talking about our personal life without my presence or consent, and that if he wants me to stay engaged then he needs to communicate with me regularly and directly because I won’t continue to communicate through his parents. He insisted that the group therapy incident was not as described (he said they watched a generic presentation and then weren’t allowed to chat after, which was actually consistent with the visitor rule form of gotten), that they must have ran with it because it’s easier to blame me (he knows in their eyes he can do know wrong - his words, not mine), and that he would make an effort to call regularly now that he’s not as groggy. We shall see what happens.

In the meantime, I’m taking a domestic work trip with a friend in a week, and another internationally a week after that with all my siblings/kids/parents. He has a ticket, but obviously won’t be coming. I read that this center has a “family weekend” every other week, but after the last fiasco, I’m not cancelling my trips, even though they are 3/4 of the next weekends. I just can’t put my entire life on hold, no matter how much I’d like to be there. (Who knows if I’ll even be invited this time!?)

trailmix

I think you are spot on not cancelling your trips. It sounds fabulous, the trip with your family, that will be amazing. I'm happy you get to do that.

.
Guess you will see how that goes. I assume there is a period of no contact allowed?

Anyway, keep looking forward to your trips, he'll be in good hands - and you will be too.