LoveMyAHusband

Ironically, I didn’t think to ask! I guess it’s progress that I’m not just wanting to wait by the phone. But I probably should ask so I don’t get caught off guard if I don’t hear from him. I’m glad you said something. Ironically, that means no contact the first weekend and I’ll be gone the next 3 weekends. Oh, well - I’ll miss him, but I can’t just wait around forever to live my life. I’m more than willing to support and be with him through recovery, but I need to see him to his part first.

trailmix

Yes, that's important.

Recovery is also tough on everyone, I do hope he does start recovery when he leaves.

dandylion - a member here always says (and it's so wise I made a graphic of it!):



She and her husband, at one time, owned an Oxford house (halfway house) that includes help for addicts. She didn't work there but she has a lot of experience with addicts. Oxford house might be worth checking out as well.

LoveMyAHusband

Part of me wishes that was an option - I’d love for him to live in a bubble and come back perfect. But real life is so much more complex. We have kids that aren’t to far from leaving home, and even the month or so he’s been gone he’s missed out on SO MUCH with them. I’d rather him me in sober living than at his mom’s, but also I believe he can’t just avoid real life forever - at some point he has to come home and make healthy choices if this is where he plans to be. I did have a great hour or so with him yesterday, and although it was a tough night because the missing-him wound feels fresh every time I see him, I am so glad I got that opportunity, and I’m still standing by my stance that he had work to do before coming home: it’s hard because those two things seem diametrically opposed. But I do miss him dearly. Even in the short time we got together, he made sure to address both big and little things that are so representative of the wonderful partner he’s been to me. I love him.

trailmix

That's great that you were able to have some time together yesterday.

Yes, he does have to face life on life's terms, Many people really struggle at that point (early recovery), not knowing how hard it will be for all. You seem to be quite practical though and you are going to work through this.

Were you able to get details of visiting and phone call timings at all?

LoveMyAHusband

Yes, no contact this week, then he can call a bit in the evenings. He said he’d make an effort to do so. I hope he does. And this time he signed a release, so visitation will not be a problem. Although it’s on weekends and I’ll be out of town for the 3 weekends he’ll be able to have visitors. If he’s calling, then I’m ok with that. Fingers crossed this is the right place for him and that he learns enough to minimize the inherent difficulty of what he’s about to do. He does sound eager, which is so refreshing. Maybe a stumble in the outside world is what he needed to get back in and stay in and motivated. So far every stumble has paved a way forward, so I am grateful for that.

venuscat

I am so glad to hear that things are looking up. ❤️

trailmix

I hope he calls regularly too.

He does seem to be making progress, at least he is willing to get back on the horse right away and give it another try, so that's good. I hope the new place is much more organized and this makes it, even a tiny bit, easier for you.

LoveMyAHusband

He got cleared to use the phone a few days early. I get to go see him tomorrow morning. He sounded very genuine - apologetic, committed, loving. Not overly sugar-coated. Just real. Tomorrow will be the only time I see him while he’s there due to scheduling conflicts (I didn’t change any of them - I’m prioritizing work and time with the kids). I think the space is probably good. I’ve been working on some personal goals I never thought I could reach, but I’m pushing through and getting super close. I sure miss having him around, but I see a big difference this week. I’m glad he is where he is, and I’m starting to feel hopeful again. I don’t want to make any mistakes (impossible, I know), so I’m hoping that he finishes treatment and walks out of there with a solid plan for continuing his recovery.

trailmix

I really hope he does as well. I'm glad you got to talk and get to see him tomorrow.

When you think about potential "mistakes" - what might those be?

LoveMyAHusband

Rushing into things before it makes sense (such as having him back home if he isn’t ready - not that I know when that is), slipping into old habits (there weren’t many bad ones, but it doesn’t take a lot), ignoring past hurts instead of resolving them, trying to resolve too much at once, being too detached or not detached enough…things like that.

trailmix

Yeah, I can understand that.

As for him, you will actually know it if he's in recovery. Recovery looks like recovery. Humbleness, not blaming others, admitting they are powerless over alcohol. Effort - actions. You'll know.

It is an unknown, like the resolving past hurts, ideally, in recovery, he will understand that needs to be done. From what you say above you are used to sorting things out alone, or trying to get him to participate, hopefully, in recovery, he is going to be an active participant.

edoering

This is so real. You can’t miss it.

I hear you, LoveMyAHusband on wondering about what is too much or too little. I felt like Goldilocks with my ex when he was struggling—as if there was a magical “just right” combination that would fix everything. And if I could just get it right, he would be better. It was a huge relief when I realized I couldn’t really do it “wrong” because it wasn’t anything I could do. But it also meant I couldn’t fix it either.

Recovery also looks like accountability. My ex never blamed me for things or wanted me to fix things for him when he was in recovery. He didn’t ask me to be anyone other than myself (flaws and all). He took responsibility for himself, his reactions, needs, and communications. I did the same for me, we just did both near each other and with lots of love.

LoveMyAHusband

I guess this is what I’ve been leaning on. I saw red flags last time he was home, no matter how good it was. Like telling me he was upset I’d kicked him out (hurt feelings are warranted, but I don’t think anger is at all if he truly understands the situation he put me in) or missing AA meetings while he was here and not having a recovery plan. My hope is that I will know when he’s in the right headspace before living at home again. I don’t expect that it means things will go perfectly, but it would mean that I’m his partner in staying sober NOT the driver or (in some ways) the overseeing parent-type role. I’m happy to help if desired, but that’s all I can or think I should do. And he already knows that because I’ve shown it - we made some tweaks in our friends and activities to the point where our home and life is as recovery-friendly as it can be (you’ll never be able to remove every trigger because most of them are in his mind anyway).

LoveMyAHusband

This is what I felt was missing last time. He’s not 100% there yet, but he seems like he’s around 90%, which is such a huge improvement. I do feel your Goldilocks comment more than I wish I did. It’s hard not to feel like your actions might be contributing in some way, even when I can’t objectively think of any way they are. I mentioned this earlier in the thread, but I do believe that any “triggering” that might have happened here at home would’ve been self-inflicted guilt. I don’t carry that blame with me. And yet I do see that if he hadn’t done what he did, it’s likely he wouldn’t be where he is. So I’m grateful for all the steps that have led to this point, and although I certainly don’t expect sunshine and rainbows after, I do see that he is taking things seriously. He’s sharing things he’s told me but never felt comfortable sharing with others - things that I’ve seen weigh him down so much I can physically see it. I’m grateful for the wonderful partner he had been to me for almost our entire relationship, and who he is choosing to be now. I only hope it’s enough.

trailmix

How are you doing LMAH?

Hope everything is going as well as can be expected.

LoveMyAHusband

@trailmix thanks for checking in! He’s been calling when he’s allowed phone time, which has been really good. I get to see him tomorrow (it’s a family information session, and his parents will be there - I don’t look forward to seeing them, but I do look forward to seeing him and understand that he will be better off if they get the information that is shared.). He sounds like he’s stressing a bit about what happens after his 30 days, so I told him to just let it go for now and trust that they’ll help him work through a plan (they better!). Other than that, he sounds motivated to keep things up after he gets out - very open to IOP or whatever he needs. I still don’t know what the right thing to do is after he leaves treatment. I think setting boundaries is a minimum, but I’m also going to be out of the country the weekend he is likely to get out. I’m hoping he’s there at least until I get back and we’ve come up with some sort of plan. I really want him to come home and be a support to him (things like working out together and spending time with our sober friend group that meets weekly), but without understanding what led to him drinking a few weeks ago, it’s hard to know whether it’s a good idea or not.

On the upside, I had a really great week at work out of town in a beautiful place, so it’s been a lovely!

trailmix

Well, that's not a bad start!

I'm really glad you enjoyed your week away, even it it was work too.

Maybe tomorrow, some light can be shed on how he is doing and what he would like to do after rehab. Does he want a sober house? Home? Certainly not parents place I hope. Maybe he has an answer (maybe hinting at coming home?). Then you will have time to ponder options. Really the only two are some type of sober house or home, so that's up to you, whether you are ready for that.

Yes, he may be holding something back, having that information can help you, hopefully he shares that with you. Perhaps you can just come out and ask him.

biminiblue

...as an alcoholic in recovery myself I'd say, "Because that's what we do." Don't need a reason - and/or everything is a "reason to drink."

It's literally Who We Are.

Learning to reprogram that is a very long difficult process. Don't expect an explanation that makes any sense. It makes no sense to us, either. It make take years until he has an answer for you, and he may never have one.

LoveMyAHusband

We had a good visit yesterday. His parents all showed up, and it was very uncomfortable for me. He got his wedding ring back, although even that was like pulling teeth. When she finally gave it to him, she looked over at me and claimed she was in bed sick the day I came. I had no interest in having a conversation with someone who was lying, so I cut it off and said I didn’t want to talk about it. (I could hear her behind the door when I went to pick it up, and she’s had 2 weeks to text me back or coordinate returning it. She also tried to claim the center wouldn’t let her bring it in - a bold-faced lie.). Thankfully, she got there a bit late and left a bit early. His stepmom was kind, but he dad never apologized for what he said to me and was only polite to me, which is perfectly fine for now. Better than the venomous, lying mom with the super sweet smile and demeanor when my AH is around.

Anyway, because of the presence of others, I didn’t feel comfortable talking about anything real, and the parents were all extra chatty because they hadn’t seen him in a couple weeks. This means I didn’t learn almost anything about where he’s at mentally right now. We did get about 10 minutes at the end to discuss a bit about the future.

He was trying to decide whether to just stay 30 days or to try to stay longer. He sounds like he’s undecided. I told him that’s perfectly fine - he should be focused on the work rather than focusing on everything that comes after. He’s only halfway through his program, after all, and I’d expect they’ll want to develop a post-rehab game plan with him before he leaves. I also told him I’d read that the percentage of people who stay sober goes up drastically the longer they stay in treatment, and that as much as I miss him, I’d rather invest a bit more time now and get this right the first time than have to go through all this again in the future or lose him completely to alcohol.

As far as the living situation goes, I believe our mutual goal is for him to come home. We just don’t know what the path is to getting there. He still had some hurt feelings (and frankly, so do I) that haven’t been worked through. So I recommended he ask his therapist if he can do a session with the two of us while I’m still in town. Neither of us wants to be one of those couples where he moves in and I kick him out multiple times. (I understand why being kicked out of our home was so hurtful to him - I had a previous spouse where I had to set a boundary saying I wouldn’t stay married to someone who threatened to leave me because it was so triggering for me - and yes, I ended up enforcing that boundary.).

The only way to avoid that cycle is either for him to get more time under his belt first (perhaps sober living, but it hasn’t come up and I know we’d probably just end up falling back into him living at home pretty quickly), or to come straight home with a solid recovery plan and sticking to it. As much as I’d like him to get a job, I think rushing into something that isn’t purpose-driven is the wrong choice. I would like to see him do an IOP first, as well as a long-term outpatient program. That is what would make me feel safe, especially if there’s a slip in sobriety. For me, that’s less of a dealbreaker as long as he gets immediately back on the recovery/sobriety train. I only see him picking himself back up quickly again in case of a slip if he is at home - at his mom’s he’s shown that he just spirals. Here he has constant reminders of why he is doing what he’s doing and how much he has to live (sober) for.

All that said, I don’t control what he chooses to do, so I’ve been brainstorming what kind of boundaries make sense on my end. Here is what I’m tentatively thinking so far. I’d appreciate feedback. (Some of this isn’t anything that’s happened in our marriage, but I thought I’d be comprehensive anyway.)I will only stay in a relationship of complete honesty and openness.

I will not live with anyone who is actively engaged in addiction. I will only live with him if he is actively participating in his recovery.

I will not stay in a marriage where there is ever violence or cheating.

I will not let him spend the night near me if there is lying or drinking when the kids are around. I will not stay in a relationship where this continues to happen.

I will not share my keys if I suspect he has had anything to drink.

I will not engage with him if he’s had a drink.

Does that all make sense? Is it too much/not enough?

trailmix

Yes, too bad the parents stayed so long. At least you covered some ground in the few minutes you had alone. I think the counselling session is a really good idea and I hope it gets organized.

I didn't know his Mother had his wedding ring. How ridiculous, it's good she returned it. Methinks the Mother is having some separation issues.

Really the boundaries all boil down to this. Plus no violence or cheating.

The only issue I see, is this is very open ended. What is actively engaged? Making all appointments? What if he does that but has a big drinking session on the weekends? That directly conflicts with the other boundaries.

Where will he go if this happens? I kind of think of his Mom's as a huge step in the wrong direction, but again, not in your control and his decision.

Then, of course, there is always the fact that once he's home it will be hard to separate again if needed. He will say he's trying, you will say to yourself, at least he's trying! I know you already know this and hope it never happens.

But you can always play that by ear, just something to think about.