antionym

After a lot of googling I think I'm not alone, but I am shattered. When we met, he was 2.5 years sober, supported, maintaining. He was one of the best people I know - kind, empathetic, warm, kind, caring, emotionally intelligent. We were so easy and close. By the end of 6 months there was a lot of future planning - primarily from him. His 3 year sober anniversary is tomorrow.

He didn't date for 12+ years when we found each other. I wasn't his first date but I was his first lasting relationship. It felt like a gift. I'm 40, I'm cautious, and I turn every stone for warning signs so I'm not blindsided. That's my baggage. I had finally felt secure because actions speak louder. He lit up when he saw me, he did little (and big) thoughtful things for me/us, he was open and joyful. Our values, our temperaments, our humor and closeness all lined up like a dream. Things he said were firsts for him. And in many ways, for me too.

Two things happened. One, he was starting a new career (primary school teaching). Two, he gained weight rapidly. He called it "no portion control" eating and associated it with addictive tendencies. I checked in often that we gave each other enough space, but he said it was work-->stress-->eating. The weight triggered some repeat health problems that I know bothered him.

Last weekend began with the same joy as always. The next day he woke up the most crestfallen I'd ever seen him. He said it was throat and went back to work after the holiday. Communication was the same - loving. Mid-week we FaceTimed briefly at about 6pm. He was on his stomach in bed pitch dark, barely moved just to talk. It was odd, but he was sick after all. The next day we had a longer call. Physically he was the picture of health. But again I didn't recognize him anymore.

He said he spoke to his psychiatrist, thought about his future, and had to work on himself and be single. Not take a break, not slow down, not hope to rekindle. Clean break no relationships. But - he did not mention addiction or recovery. I tried to lighten the mood so I can at least see the man I know again. He said he just has no answers for me. I couldn't believe he stopped loving me overnight.

I was dumb and asked to speak again, next week. I assume it won't happen. In weakness I also texted 3 times, and lastly said I love and support him. I'm crushed and haven't been able to function much myself. I was blindsided: the one thing that to me is totally devastating. I know that if he's in crisis, he's probably doing what he has to do. But in a relationship...I felt we'd work through hurdles together.

I had read previous posts, similar to mine. I'm sorry this post is so long. I'm devastated. I realize I shouldn't have reached out. And I can't be certain that recovery was his impetus. But I can't reconcile what happened. Irrationally I want to have hope, and rationally I want to stop hoping and stop hurting.

Dee74

welcome antionym

I'm sorry for what brings you here. From reading your post it seems more an mental health issue than a recovery one to me.
The 'be single' advice given by his psych doctor (I suppose)seems extreme to me but your partner seems happy to go with it.

sometimes people change, and not all relationships are forever - but I'm sorry you've got caught up in this one and so completely blindsided.

Its rough - but you'll find support here. You are not alone

D

trailmix

hi antionym, glad you found the forum but sorry for what brings you here.

Yes, how devastating for you. I'm sorry you are so hurt.

This was a warning sign. People who don't have something else going on are either dating (even rarely), in a relationship or love being single. He was none of these.

It could be a relapse, or it could be mental challenges that he maybe didn't discuss with you. It could be something he has struggled with for a long time and thought, maybe, he had overcome (be that addiction or other mental illness). That's not the case.

One thing addiction and mental illness have in common is that they are consuming and require the person to be very selfish.

It's really not about you personally (although it affects you devastatingly personally, of course) it's him trying to take care of himself. He has obviously been down this road before, maybe even more than once and he knows how it goes. It's a shame he didn't share that with you, to help you accept this. This is something he needs professional help with, apparently wants to be alone and it's not something he wants to share with you.

I would guess this may even be something he has been struggling with for a while but perhaps hid it.

I think all you can do is accept what he said. As painful as that is, it's what he has requested, so there is nothing more to be done.

It's going to hurt for a while! No doubt about that. You will get through it but it is going to take time, little by little things will start to improve.

antionym

Thank you both. Feedback really helps. I feel shocked and in the dark.

Re mental health: absolutely I think it's a component for him, or the main issue. In my mind, his mental/physical health and his sobriety were always intertwined, based on how he talked about his recovery.

He'd been happy with his meds for a couple of years now, and as far as I knew, he planned a call with his psych regarding newly disruptive side effects. They don't meet regularly otherwise, which is partly why I was caught off-guard. He always said his meds were going great and they sure seemed to.

I asked if his psych suggested "be single." He said not specifically, but that's the conclusion he'd reached (very quickly - there were 2 days max between the holiday weekend and his psych session). That 180 overnight is a huge fear of mine. And I really thought I'd done my due diligence that he wasn't a 180 kind of person.

Yes, the 12 years always struck me as very odd. He shared his past with me when he was ready, but I noticed he never mentioned trauma and in fact always said things were pretty great. Even with the genetic odds against him, I found it hard to imagine the drinking just happened with no external factors.

It's hard because he's not the only one with fears and vulnerabilities. I'm on the other side with my own baggage, and it feels now like maybe I should never have revealed my soft spots, because his mental health is so much more delicate than I'd realized. Now it feels like I'm in pain, in the dark, and in the void.

I agree leaving it alone is the only option. Right now I just want to believe it's temporary and that I'll have my answers and my partner again. I don't remember ever this kind of devastation in a relationship. Sometimes things just don't work out, but this one...I checked and checked and checked until I felt safe. And the second I did - boom.

trailmix

Well, it's not unusual for people to self medicate with alcohol. Depression and anxiety seems to be a somewhat common thread, but it could be anything.

The only difference between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic is that invisible line, that once crossed becomes addiction. He could have just loved partying and took it too far. Or self medication, impossible to say. I assume he told you at some point what his medications were for.

If you aren't vulnerable in a relationship, how will you ever know what it could be. From what you have said I think you used as much caution as you reasonably could.

It may be temporary, you're right, it's impossible to know right now. It's probably the reason (whatever this is) why he was single for 12 years. To make this easier on yourself (and it certainly won't be to begin with), keeping busy helps. Also, focusing on yourself, things you want to do, catching up with family and friends (even though you might not feel like it right now), even short visits can help lift your spirits a bit. If you aren't in a snowed in place, or if you just like winter, getting outside can be helpful too - even a 10 minute walk. But more important is to just do whatever you can. If there are some days all you can do is brush your teeth and have dinner, well those are accomplishments. It will take time.

​​​​​​​

antionym

I know you're all correct. And from knowing him, I do think there's mystery in that 12-year gap. Something he hasn't told me or maybe himself. And if he's asking for space, he needs space. But that about-face somehow just destroyed me.

I can't bring myself to understand how struggle, or anticipated struggle, means removing positives from his life. Why wouldn't he learn on someone who loves him, or why wouldn't he at least try to keep that good thing going. Or if I'm no longer a good thing in his mind, how a loving relationship can threaten his wellness. At least if we'd been having problems, I could wager a guess. But at this point in time...if it were me in his shoes...the idea of letting him go in a snap and forever would seem outrageously self-destructive to me.

I'm making myself crazy trying to understand what happened, how I missed the flags, how someone so loving can flip a switch, will I ever see the person I know and love again, how I'm supposed to trust anything at all. I haven't been able to eat or work. I just want whatever this is to end.

trailmix

If you have never suffered from mental illness, I think it's really hard to wrap your head around.

It's also personality type to some degree I think, I mean some people, when they are hurt reach out for help, or welcome help, some turn inward. Even something as minor as hitting your leg and it being really painful, if someone says "are you ok" - some will say, yeah I'll be fine in a minute and let the person help them sit down.

Others will not want to talk or be "helped" - they are dealing with the pain in their leg. The "just leave me alone right now" group.

If someone is dealing with mental illness, it can be consuming, mentally. There is, sometimes, no room for another's feelings or wants or needs to anything like that. All the energy goes to trying to stay on some kind of even keel. In his case, the is how he deals with - whatever it is.

Did he never offer a reason as to why he didn't date for so long? He's in his 40s? and you are his first long term relationship. These are (and I know this term is horribly overused) red flags. He kept something from you.

Being blindsided by this is horrible. No drifting apart etc etc, he just flips a switch.

So what can you do now?

Try to take the focus off of him as much as possible and put it on yourself. He doesn't need your care but you do. Sleep when you can, try to eat, order in food that you really, normally, enjoy. This will all feel much worse if you aren't doing the basics - as well as you can right now.

Have you considered therapy, even short term? Grief support groups. If you feel like you aren't coping, a visit to your GP would be a great idea as well. Do you have someone you are close to that could stay with you, even for a few days? Lots of support for you here, you do need to circle the wagons, you will get through this, it will get better.

antionym

I do have a therapist, yeah. I saw her more frequently since this happened. She's been with me for years and she's been great, but she seems at a loss on this one. Just that men do this sometimes. But this one...it's extreme. I made an appt with a psychiatrist to get back to functioning levels, but it won't be for 2 weeks. I took leave from work. I'd never done that.

I'm a little older than him. I say 40 but I'm 39, he's 34. I had my eye on that but couldn't find an issue. I came to believe that whatever he'd been through, addiction, mental health, and recovery, had aged him a bit.

Zero insight on the 12 years. He said 10 years drinking and not dating, 1.5 years recovering and not dating, and then a year having dates that didn't lead anywhere. I was shocked any woman put him back in the dating pool, because he was just so rare and wonderful.

In recovery he lost weight, improved some health problems, and studied for a new career. This year was his first as a teacher. In his mind, finding me was the last piece of the puzzle. "I found just what I'd been looking for." "Couldn't dream of a better partner." Things I eventually came to trust. And I always think, if it were me...I couldn't throw "what I'd been looking for" away in the blink of an eye. No reason. No hope. No effort to repair if something was secretly broken.

At first I worried I would be his new addiction. But we didn't go at a crazy pace, it all seemed unbelievably healthy, with boundaries. The crash was instant. And I can't shake the feeling that his sudden illness at my house had something to do with it. I'd seen him sick before. But it never turned him into a whole different person. I'm missing a bottle of alcohol - there were 2 in a closet out of sight - but I can't be sure. Could be nothing.

Weeks ago, when we were together, I pre-scheduled an e-card for his 3 year sobriety, today. I should have canceled it. I got a notice it was sent, but not opened. To make matters worse, I texted just to say it was a pre-scheduled card, not new, and that I worry because something must be wrong. That I know he'd never try to hurt me. So in a nutshell...I'm making things worse for myself. Sorry again for the total dump. I haven't had the easiest life, but this is what broke me.

edoering

You are doing so well, I promise this didn’t break you!

I was with my ex-AH for seven amazing, sober years, and then lost everything very suddenly when he blindsided me with a divorce.

The bad news: you can’t predict everything. People without addiction issues can become addicts during a relationship, people with issues can have them resurface, people can just die, the list goes on! You can’t control it, and you can’t outsmart it. I TOTALLY relate to trying to be smarter than the chaos—I analyze so much, and dig deeper and deeper to get info that I feel like will “protect” me. But it doesn’t.

The good news: you don’t have to predict or control things to have an amazing life. In hindsight, I had great years that aren’t invalidated by the chaotic end. And the bad end was short in comparison to the good. And I’m still doing okay! Have a great life I love, am standing on my own two feet—I survived and I’m happy. I’m much less scared of the unexpected because I know *no matter* what life throws at me, I can handle it. Because, like you, I’ve handled some gnarly things.

For my ex, mental illness and addiction were inseparable, and that means his logic when he’s battling his demons doesn’t make sense to my brain. There’s a great article a lot of people here link for a glimpse into that mindset: Addiction, Lies and Relationships

But it’s okay if it doesn’t make sense. It’s okay if it was sudden, and there weren’t warning signs. Because you’re going to be okay, and you’re still gonna have an amazing life, and this will be just one chapter in it. Hopefully, you also had some good times with this person, memories that you can still be proud of. Because you were brave enough to trust, and try, and be vulnerable. Not engaging with life on life’s terms might feel “safer” or more controlled, but it often results in missing out on a lot. You did the best you could, and that’s amazing. The rest? Not your fault. But how you move on is up to you

trailmix

You can't be sure if you had 2 bottles? If you are, then he took one and he drank. That was going to be my next guess and it actually makes sense.

If he drank, that's serious. As alcoholism never goes away, his only hope is to never drink again. If he did, it probably (hopefully) scared the hell out of him. He knows he's not ready for a relationship and he has to focus back on himself.

Alternately, he's still drinking now (entirely possible). That also helps to explain the flipping of the switch.

antionym

I am struggling to respond using quotes, so I apologize for that. Slowly learning. And thank you.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you, @endoering. That must have been so wrenching. I'm really struggling to understand how that happens, especially if a relapse isn't visible in any way. The blindside - I'm sad that happened to you too. For me it was like he knew exactly how to ruin me. I am really genuinely encouraged to hear that you've healed and made a life you love to live. And I really need and appreciate the encouragement.

Smarter than the chaos is a great way of putting it. That's my MO, playing whack-a-mole, trying to anticipate problems, like I can prevent them if I just worry enough. And I am still stuck on the idea that if I was mentally prepared (if we'd been arguing, if either of us was visibly unwell), then I would at least come to accept it. Like it was for the best. I should have done something about the binge-eating. I just didn't want to mother him. I learned years ago to avoid that impulse.

But the total shock...it's not his fault that being blind-sided is my biggest button (though he knew it), but it did come down like a crash. And sort of...exploded in my hands. And I can't make sense of it. I just want to find that invisible "it was for the best" factor that must be hiding here, and allow myself to move forward. Not that I can see myself trusting anyone, but I was content being single before we met.

The bottles @trailmix: I was positive I had 2 shoved away in a closet. One brand Larceny and one brand Maker's Mark (I mention this because both bottles are visually distinct). But because they were out of sight, I didn't have a daily visual, meaning I can't say 100% that I saw both yesterday, and today I only see one. I can't think of what else could've happened to the missing bottle, unless it's my forgetfulness (long covid) and I'd removed it myself. No other booze in the house, I tossed it during our relationship.

HOWEVER, and this is the mystery for me....he came over love and sunshine Fri evening. On Sat he woke up a little rough, but still loving, joyful. I went to run errands alone to give us personal space (we planned on a long weekend together) and to let him rest his foot. His plantar fasciitis and his knee started acting up maybe a couple of months ago. I was gone on errands for...1.5 hours maybe? And when I came back he was catatonic. He's an adult of course, he doesn't need to steal booze from me or anyone. But that's the only sequence I can sort of patch together.

He said it was his throat, seemed reasonable. I asked him to take his temp before driving (normal temp). He insisted on going home instead of resting here. Slept through the rest of the long weekend (Sat/Sun/Mon) and went back to teaching. I did think this was strange, because COVID and strep are obvs very contagious, and he kept saying his throat was not improving much. And he's not the guy that'll risk his students just to avoid missing work. On Wednesday he was still catatonic, and on Thurs he looked healthy, robotic, and done with me. I don't know if he was headed for a relapse at that time. But he was, and I suspect is, a different person now.

AND HERE COMES MORE STUFF....Today I got my cosmetics in a beat up box from him, no note nothing. It sent me back crying and spiraling. I had asked him to toss them, and they looked like they were meant to hurt. I didn't need my breath mints or my used makeup sponge back. I don't know why I deserve this. Literally, nothing happened to trigger any animosity. And there's more stuff at his house. I'm afraid I'll keep getting these heartbreak boxes.

IN FURTHER UPDATES (thank you for taking in the disaster purge)...I got FMLA for a few days, hopefully won't need the extension. And my psych gave me an emergency appt and meds to just try to sleep and function. And boy, do I wish there was an easier outlet about now.

CONFESSION...I panicked and texted his mom. Not sure it's the right number. I felt he flipped a switch and there was no way he would do this - not unless he was in a crisis. She's his rock. She helped him get sober. And she's (was) delighted that he had me. My strongest guess is if she got my message, she's checking in on him.

I am becoming convinced that yes it's at least 50% mental health. Reading the article now. And thank you thank you thank you for your warm and hopeful words. They mean a lot, and I am taking them in, even though I can't figure out how to quote them. <3 <3 <3

trailmix

You seem very clear to me about the alcohol, you even know the names. I also don't drink often and also have 2 bottles of alcohol and I know exactly where they are, although I haven't actually looked at one for months.

He's drinking, that is his crisis, I'd put money on it.

I believe that is your answer. Since he was sober (as far as you know) while you two were together, you don't know him when he's drinking, maybe he is a bit of a jerk! The makeup thing, that was unnecessary. Sounds to me like this is his way of letting you know he's around, a reminder. He may want a "normal", sober, relationship, but he also knows he's not capable of that right now.

If he does come back around, as in contacts you, just know that's he's not looking for you to "support" him in his recovery, he's hoping you will accept him as he is.

I'm so glad you were in touch with your psychiatrist and that you were able to get leave.

antionym

I don't want him to be drinking, but I want a reason so badly. A reason he turned mean and hurtful. We didn't have enough time to accumulate baggage and resentment. It's killing me now, how it happened and may not be done yet. More of my things in the mail, I don't know.

That's true, I didn't think of the box as his own desperate move. Last time I did something like that to an ex I was...a teenager? I'm not even sure I had a cell phone back then. Just looked for an excuse to make contact with that ex. That ex thought it was a joke, justifiably, because it was so silly. We're buds now, 20-ish years later, but I'm still embarrassed I did that.

I remember reading (googling) that an addict's emotional development tends to slow, or stop, around the time they started practicing. The 2 times we did argue, I noticed his demeanor transform into what felt like a little boy. I felt like a mom. That's the only explanation I can find for his campaign to cut ties, if he's acting like a younger (meaner) version of himself. I told him he was devastating me. Nothing.

Lastly, he'd said he never wanted me to meet the person he becomes when he's drinking. So maybe now I'm learning why. I agree drinking makes the most sense, it just seemed so unlikely until now. He was very committed to his sobriety. Said it was his #1 priority. I want him back so badly, but I know what you mean. It'll probably be more of this down the line. I just can't think about this rationally yet.

New meds started today. Still can't eat or get around. Just want this to end.

edoering

It’s a little convoluted, but I’ve noticed addiction thrives on isolation and self-hatred. If someone loves you, but wants to hate themselves (to feed the addiction), they may hurt you as a deep punishment to themselves (like with the makeup). To make them hate themselves more and isolate further. “See?” Addiction tells them, “you’re worthless. You’re a danger to your loved ones. You should stay far away from them, because you do nothing but hurt them.” It’s deeply selfish, but this is a selfish disease, and one we can’t fix for them.

My brother (who has also struggled with addiction) once told me “don’t let yourself be the loaded gun he holds to his head.” Which I needed to hear.

Don’t feel too bad about spiraling and crying, because that’s feeling through your pain! And that’s one way to work through it and release it. And I’m glad you’re reading around here. Because, while there are many stories of being completely blindsided, there are also many stories of years spent in stressful relationships. So maybe, one upside to being blindsided is that you had the maximum amount of good times you could have from him and this situation! Would you want to have had months or years of arguments and lying, manipulation and depression or aggression, of wild mood swings, and walking on egg shells? Possibly even debt, financial trouble, legal trouble, etc? Maybe even have so much resentment build up that even if he found recovery, the love you’d once had was drowned out and extinguished? Those other options may have given you time to wrap your head around the situation, but for a trade off. Now, you are stuck wrapping your head around the situation alone, which sucks, but you and your finances are safe while you do it.

I can’t say which is better or worse, but maybe being very honest about what the alternatives are given the nature of addiction might help you with finding acceptance for what is. Whether or not this is actually why he did it, I am secretly grateful my ex loved me enough on some level not to take me down with him. If he hadn’t left me, I probably would not have left him, and I would have suffered for it.

And, in hindsight, there were warning signs that he was falling back into addiction patterns/depression/PTSD, but our love was still so good and strong I secretly thought our love would triumph over all. I didn’t see any “warning signs” that our love would be a casualty of addiction. I know now that love will always be a casualty of addiction without active recovery, and that as beautiful and wonderful as love is, it doesn’t stop mental illness. And that’s okay. I have forgiven my past self for believing “love would conquer all” because of course she believed that. She didn’t have any reason NOT to. She did the best she could with the information she had. And I was lucky enough to have had a beautiful, meaningful love. It was such an incredible experience I wouldn’t trade for the world. How it ended doesn’t mean it wasn’t real.

I hope any of that is helpful! Even writing it out after these past few years is helpful for me.

trailmix

Yes, alcoholics can tend to be immature, not all of them, but it's a common thing. If you are drinking all the time you aren't learning the skills other people are learning. Responsibility, coping skills, interaction (sober) with others. Of course some of this is picked up, but still, not the same as being sober.

You did the right thing by reaching out for help. Imagine if every time you felt bad, bored, happy or sad you drank a bottle of - whatever, you would never learn to cope and perhaps never reach out for help.

There is no such thing as a "happy alcoholic".

He is sparing you this particular roller coaster ride, while also focusing on himself. I'm sure you've read a lot here about what it's like to be around an alcoholic.

Doesn't change the hurt you are feeling, that's normal, you didn't expect this and it will take some time to get through, no question.

antionym

I'm processing. Sometimes I think I have a grip on it, and then it gets away from me. My internet must've picked up my searches, because I'm getting video ad snippets in my instagram about being a people-pleasing alcoholic and setting boundaries, which I took to mean I am the problem after all. I thought I was so careful around his needs for space, for wellness, for avoiding triggers. But maybe his narrative is telling him I refuse to accept his boundary. And maybe he's right.

I think that's what's so hard for me, accepting Mr. Hyde. I would never in a million years describe him as selfish. And on the flip side, because I have my own issues, I went out of my way to reciprocate his thoughtfulness and - what I thought - make sure he's not over-giving. He actually set his own boundaries pretty well, but there were a handful of times where I picked up he was about to overstretch himself, and I was the one to say hey, we don't need to do this, let's stop. It just hurts that it wasn't enough. That he still thinks I'm depleting him. I actually resented him a few times for being healthy enough to set his own boundaries, whereas I felt my boundaries breaking down before I could ever bring myself to say hey, I need some alone time myself. Or hey, this isn't gonna work for me.

That's powerful. I think I am. I think he's telling himself, especially after I cracked down and texted and told him I'm in pain, that I'm the problem.

That's huge-huge. I should be, and will be grateful for that. And it is extremely helpful to hear. If I feel loss and grief and inability to trust now, it would have been exponentially worse 10 years down the line with lies, job loss, kids, money, DUIs. And a lot more of what I'm feeling now. It's my nature to get stuck on things until I can make sense of them. And right now I am so, so, stuck. And I think that video blogger who popped up on my feed this morning just convinced me that my ex is a victim of my inability to respect his boundaries.

The binge-eating was a warning sign I should've taken more seriously. We took a trip a couple months ago, and he was suffering the whole time. I said I feel you've suffered more stress and pain since we met. He always said it was the new job, or just how things are. And that I made those things better. And I am absolutely still stuck in "we love each other, we can fix this." I keep waiting for him to wake up and tell me it was a momentary lapse in judgment - at least insofar as he chose to hurt me. There were so many other ways that last conversation could have gone. He didn't have to give me Mr. Hyde, and add insult to injury. I don't want to check my mail and find more boxes.

That's exactly what he called himself. A fun, happy drunk.

My brain knows it's true. It just hasn't convinced my heart yet. I wrote an email, and so far managed not to send it.

edoering

I relate to that! I’ve written several emails I didn’t send. And it did help.

Regarding boundaries, I really appreciated the Nar-anon literature on that topic, as well as Pia Mellody’s “Facing Codependence” and then Melody Beattie’s “Codependent No More.” There’s a lot of strange information about boundaries out there so definitely consider the source before stressing yourself out! I really focus on the part of it where “boundaries are for me.” It’s what I decide I need to be safe and happy. And it’s up to me to enforce my boundaries. That’s the “my side of the street” of Nar-anon. And yes, he can have boundaries that he’s in charge of following through on, on his side of the street.

trailmix

He can think/feel whatever he likes, but you are not the problem for him, alcoholism is his problem.

It actually has nothing to do with you really, it also doesn't mean you weren't "enough". He couldn't even be around Mother Theresa right now if she walked in his door - that's him, nothing to do with you.

Making sure he's not over-giving and other concessions you made without him asking - that is a slippery slope to codependency. You aren't responsible for your partner's (or anyone's) feelings, reactions, actions (we just try to be polite and non-hurtful of course, within reason), they are adults and those are their personalities/choices. You can only control yourself. If we don't realize that, then we are showing a lack of respect for them. It's also terribly hurtful to be jumping around trying to make everything "nice". You lose yourself. That's codependency.

trailmix

One thing to keep in mind with boundaries (yours and other people's) is that boundaries are for you and you alone (and theirs for them), not for other people.

So say for instance you decide that you are never going to let anyone yell at you again (unless you are crossing the road unsafely lol). Ok, that is your boundary, you don't even need to tell anyone else about it unless you want to.

So - Person X yells at you for spilling coffee all over their coffee table. What is your boundary? It might be, if someone yells at me I won't respond and will leave immediately. So that's what you do.

Someone stops responding to your calls and texts. Your boundary is you will send 1 Are you ok? text, if there is no response - you're done.

You want a dry house, there will be no drinking in your house (this type you might share with others). BF comes over and brings beer and opens one. You tell him he can either pour that out and not drink, or leave. It's not a negotiation. Those things are within your power. I don't mean power in a negative way, I mean in having control of your life. This as opposed to a rule - there is no drinking in my house. He starts to drink the beer, then what? What's the plan?

Boundaries are followed by action - your action.

antionym

Thank you all for letting me process this with you. I do have a therapist, who has been great for me over the years, but I feel like she's a little lost on this. I'm not 100% sure why, because she's seasoned and seems to know her way around addiction. Maybe she's shocked to see me this distraught. It's a new mental health low for me, and it's not like life's been easy till now (just like you said, @endoering). The new meds are slow, but they are helping. I got out of bed and showered today and looked at my laundry and have not sent him any emails.

That's really good to know, thank you. I will look up these titles. I spiraled back into how did I do this to him. Maintaining my boundaries has been a battle for decades, but after working on it in therapy, I really thought I was acting and reacting in healthier ways. I know I crossed a boundary when I reached out to him. I have no excuse. I felt my heart had been ripped out and I was/am worried for him, and chasing a reason for me.

Because I can't be sure that he's drinking, I struggle letting myself off the hook by saying addiction was the trigger for this situation, laying the blame at his feet. Although from what I'd been reading in this forum and community, it sounds like maybe addiction-related patterns and declines can emerge before someone relapses to using. I sort of want to take some comfort in that. And in the fact that I'm searching and searching but there's just no other explanation.

You know, I did wonder about looming codependency. In the past he had called himself a people pleaser, and said he wasn't always aware of his own needs. I thought this was under control, because he knew how to say no (politely) - much better than I did. I felt we were looking out for each other. He was thoughtful towards me, and I was thoughtful towards him. So the over-giving might've been a flag I was in total denial about. I suppose the fact that he was going out of his way for me too, doesn't mean we weren't headed for co-dependence.

When we first met I feared it was too good to be true. And I hate that that's exactly what it was. I'm still in the zone of shocked, why do I deserve this, where did this come from, who is this person and how did he flip so fast. And can he please just flip back. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm totally purging all these feelings that you've all heard and felt too many times, and for a long time.