antionym

OK, I think I'm starting to get it in this context. He's vanished, and I'm shattered and worried, and I let him know that. But maybe I don't have to bend over backwards making sure he's not relapsed, and beg him to let me help him/us get back to a stable place. As badly as I want that right now.


❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

trailmix

I'm going to hazard a guess here. You two were together for 6 months? It's possible he was just hiding what he was doing. He may have been drinking all along, you just can't be sure.

Lots of people quit and then start some moderated or controlled drinking (the wish of many alcoholics), unfortunately addiction doesn't work that way and they end up back where they were.

I wouldn't worry about him. He is doing what he wants, so he's ok, whether that is drinking or heading back in to sobriety/recovery.

He isn't who you thought he was in many ways. For instance, did you think even for a second while you were out doing your errands that he would be scouring your house for alcohol? Did you ever think he would flip a switch and just stop talking to you? What was going on in his head and what was going on in yours, were two very different things.

Alcoholism is not logical, you can't apply "normal" relationship expectations (it will make you cuckoo for coco pops).

edoering

Absolutely you don’t have to!

Again, I wouldn’t worry about “what if I crossed *his* boundaries?” Because it’s HIS responsibility to maintain his boundaries with actions. You only have to worry about *your* boundaries, that’s your job.

Codependency patterns are really common, and not at all the “needy girlfriend” stereotype some people think it is. But always worrying about his boundaries and his needs before worrying about your own? That’s seems like a codependency pattern to me. And unfortunately, even relationships that don’t start codependent often become that way when addiction is involved.

It really helped me to realized “helping” someone when they don’t want it or didn’t ask for it is controlling. I don’t want to be controlling with those I love in my life, even if I think it’s “for their own good.” The other thing that really helped me was focusing on myself. What do I want? What do I need? It’s amazing how scary that can be when you’ve spent so much time worrying about “what do they want, what do they need?” instead of taking care of yourself.

But yes, the trick to boundaries is refocusing them on yourself, and making sure they are enforceable by your own actions and not dependent on anyone else “following” your rule (because, as trailmix pointed out, then it’s a rule and not a boundary!).

And don’t worry about apologizing, this is what the forum is here for. 😊

velma929

Some years ago my partner was diagnosed with cancer. I thought, "What are we going to do?" And immediately, I thought of ONE thing to do. I had been doing alterations for a small store that was kinda-sorta on my way home from work. The problems were 1) it wasn't enough to make the money worthwhile 2) the checks had to be walked to the bank and I had to ask "Is there enough in the account to cash this?" and 3) there wasn't always parking nearby. Leaving this behind was going to simplify my life. In the time since then, I have continued with that effort. The less stuff I have to take care of, the better. Partner is doing well, but he has an enormous religious faith that helps with that attitude.

Twelve years without dating - one thing no one has mentioned - maybe he's struggling with same sex attraction. It shouldn't be this much of a issue in this day and age, but who knows.

antionym

You know, the more I think about it the more I remember little things. He'd been down for a while. I remember thinking I haven't seen him smile in a pic for a few weeks. And then one very recently day he was back to his cheery self, and now he's gone again. It's so hard for me to believe that he'd been drinking, because he was so proud of his sobriety and of not having many cravings. Since it was a young relationship, I was more concerned with "is it me?." Once I gave myself some reassurance, I sort of decided that life has ups and downs and that's what we all commit to in relationships.

You're right, I absolutely did not think that. It didn't cross my mind. Once I let my own guard down (hard life and so on), I trusted him. He was so expressive and reassuring that I relaxed into the situation, and now I'm regretting it.

I'm so sorry about your partner, @velma929. That sounds so incredibly difficult and frightening, for both of you. I'm really happy to hear he's coping, and that you're finding ways to simply your life, bringing you both what I imagine to be some measure of very needed peace.

Those 12 years really are a mystery, yes. Without going TMI, I would be significantly more shocked than I am already if that were the case, though you're right - you never know. He made the appointment with his psychiatrist because in spite of the TMI, he was having some issues (not the usual - something I hadn't heard of before). We both thought, medication side effects. But I'm sort of wondering if he met with the psych, decided (right or wrong) that it's actually the result of long-term substance abuse, and went downhill from there.

I hope so. I woke up today racked with guilt. The first text I sent, when I was hurt, said I don't think I can trust him again. I feel like I attacked him and maybe that triggered the silly makeup box thing. And closed the door on our future.

I hovered over the "send" button last night on an email I wrote. Not an angry one. Just sad and final I guess. I said if we speak again, I wanted to speak to the real him. Not this stranger. Just the in that moment, I got a notice that a colleague and friend of mine died of alcohol poisoning. I'm not spiritual, but it felt like a sign. Like someone needs to check on my guy.

I'm learning that now, yeah. Even as I write this I can see I sound codependent. I wake up every morning so crushed, and can't believe it was here and gone in a flash and out of the blue. Like he's not himself anymore. So I keep reaching for ways to turn back the clock, but all those ways are some version of the best accommodation I can possibly find for him. Like if I can give him the kindest, warmest, softest sort of understanding, he'll remember who we were and snap back into it. More hurtful to think he might actually be feeling great and going about his life after this hit-and-run with me, while I'm here struggling to get out of bed.

I'm a divorce attorney, and (in a work setting) I came to terms with a similar realization. It's still a struggle in my personal life, but at work, I learned I can't force my clients to do the right thing, or to avoid doing the wrong thing, even if I think I know what's best. I also learned that I can be wrong about what's best - sounds obvious but it's a lesson I needed to learn. I've gotten better about that, though I am more stubborn when there are kids in the middle. A couple years in, I realized only part of my motivation was to help. The bigger part of me really just wanted to be a good lawyer, know I'm right, and make things be how I think they should. And that's about me more than it is about them.

Applied to this situation...I know you're right and I can't get myself there. Heart and brain fighting with each other. Including the 100% selfish desire to just have him back. To have my present and future back the way they should be.

trailmix

I think that's one of the toughest things for people to deal with in this situation.

The (active) alcoholic is alive and walking around - somewhere. He looks the same, if you heard him speak his voice is the same, he's wearing a shirt you recognize.

But as with the evening you facetimed, "he" as you knew him, isn't there. You want him to be, you know it's possible for him to do (you knew him) but he's still not there. Why not?

I noticed what you said about him having some other issues - you had mentioned his medications were giving him a bit of trouble. Then there is the over-eating (this could be a compensation for trying not to drink) and weight gain that gave him other issues. So he went from being a sober person, probably pretty settled, to being overweight, not feeling great, issues possibly caused by his medications. It's a lot. Then he drank. He may have other mental health issues.

That's him. There is nothing you can do to "fix" him, he just is who he is. Not his potential, not who you hoped he would be going forward and that is tough.

Or you can't change him? He does have family I'm guessing, some friends? He also has his psychiatrist that he doesn't hesitate to contact. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. If he is in fact choosing to drink, nothing you say or do will change that. You have contacted him a bit. At any time he knows he could reach out to you, he hasn't? I know you want an explanation and you can ask him for it if you like, ask to meet and talk, tell him you would like some answers (short and sweet is best). If he never responds, that is your answer.

He's not replying to your other contacts?

Hawkeye13

The more we pursue feeling desperate for the answers we know we deserve, the more they push us away. Maybe out of fear, anger, not knowing, power, etc., but the bottom line is you cannot expect to find healing right now from the one who just hurt you, for whatever reason.

He seems to be pretty clear on wanting space. I think it is both your interests to honor that if you can, even though it sucks.

ToughChoices

Alcoholism kills one's spirit. You've seen this man's spirit, and now you just see his shell. It is a tragic loss for both of you. But it is NOT your fault or responsibility. No one can love anyone kindly, warmly, or softly enough to change their path. I've been on both sides of that equation, and, in each case, the only change I could affect was my own. He is NOT feeling great. I can virtually guarantee that a struggling, mentally ill alcoholic who is (very likely!) mid-relapse, is in temporary oblivion at best. At worst, he's in a hell of his own making. I'm so sorry that you've been hurt, but I don't think hurting you was this man's intention. Addiction is a train that will run over anyone in its path. Best to get out of the way.

It is an ongoing struggle for me to let go of how I think my life SHOULD be. If, 15 years ago, someone had sent me a snapshot of my current life, I would have screamed, cried, laughed, agonized, and analyzed the heck out of it. I would have been in awe, in love, and aghast. I would have fought like hell to prevent some things and speed others up. What a waste of precious time that would have been!

Life is a surprise! It is full of pain and loss and triumph and love. It is exciting and unexpected, and, today, I am grateful for the unknown of the future. I choose to believe that beauty is in store for those who choose to see it. I think beauty is in store for you.

antionym

Seeing it laid out like this, you're right it was probably more grave than I wanted it to be. I asked if I'm adding stress, if I can help with anything, and I wanted to believe him that I was a plus, not a minus, in his life. He was very happy and even-keeled when we met, I called him Mr. Flanders. The meds are def for mental health (but all I knew was social anxiety and insomnia, both of which I have too - generalized anxiety though), and the side effects started to bother him in a relationship context (didn't bother me). He always said he chooses the meds, and I supported that. His mental and physical health is #1.

But new job, weight gain, health declining, exhaustion, mental health....I guess I just haven't come to terms with the fact that I had to be booted, instead of eating less, resting his body more, telling me what's going on....and I just realized I basically said "if he loved me enough he would have stopped."

You know...up until the second I read that, I would've said I love him for who or how he is. It was maybe the second significant relationship in my life where I didn't find myself trying to control or nit pick little things (habits, quirks, food, different beliefs). I thought I was just enjoying who he was, the way he was. And that he did the same for me.

But if you're saying....I drag him back to me, and 10 years down the line he'll be the same guy that disappears, relapses, and is willing to hurt me....you're right. I can't say I'd love living that life. I'd try to change it. I guess right now I'm still telling myself (heart, not head) that this is some weird fluke that'll go away any minute.

He has a support system. And of course yes, if he wanted to speak to me he would. No contact from him at all, other than my delightful box of crap I didn't need. My last and final contact to him was I love him, I care for him, and I hope/wish there is a "one day" sometimes in the future. Even if it's just to swap a moment of kindness for what feels like cruelty right now. I'm just hurting and felt I deserved better from the person who planned a life with me and suddenly transformed. A little kindness at least, if he can't tell me what he's feeling.

You're right it's true, I know it's true - both about pushing him away and giving him space. I can't make excuses for how I reacted - I did react poorly and emotionally. I felt like I was jumping out of my skin. I think I might've been a little more at peace if he said hey, I saw my psych and I don't want to lose you but things are difficult right now, we need to stop. Instead of this - me feeling desperate to speak to the man behind this stranger.

Thank you. This helps. It's hard to imagine now, but it'll be easier to imagine, maybe not soon, but eventually. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I love your perspective, @ToughChoices, and that you're able to see both sides. I don't love that you suffered through either side, I am truly sorry for that. Reading your inside insight, maybe I can keep telling myself that there really was nothing I couldn't done. And eventually believe it.

edoering

Yes! You will likely have to mourn the future you thought you had with him. Humans are crazy cool in that the stories we tell ourselves become very real to us. A future we haven’t had yet becomes very real to us, and when we lose that potential future, we have to mourn that too.

For me, one step at a time, continuing to do things that gradually introduced me to a new future I could be excited about is what helped with that. Mourning the old life and old me that I also lost when I lost that person, and then rebuilding/replacing the old story with something new is what it took. It won’t feel real at first, your old life will feel more “real” even though it’s gone because it’s what you’re used to. But eventually, the new life becomes more real, and you feel more real again.

100% (and I cannot repeat this enough!) you cannot love someone out of addiction. Love is not the “cure” to mental health battles. Love is a great tool in anyone’s arsenal to help them be their best selves (my loving family and friends are a great support for my self-work), but it’s not the answer. It’ll NEVER be enough on its own. And the more you try to love them the “right” way that you think will fix things, the more you will destroy yourself and any love you had for them. Resentment will build, you will become exhausted, you will lose yourself. It’s really not a good path. Which is why it looks like such a form of self-torture from the outside to worry about “did I love him enough? Did I respond to his boundaries gently enough?” You are a person, too, who is going to make mistakes and deserves to be imperfect. Your relationship should not be so fragile that one trespass on your part results in its decimation—you’d be walking on eggshells forever in that relationship and never be able to truly relax into yourself!

I hear you mentioning the deep disappointment of trusting him and then having this happen. Which I totally get, but also, what if you reframed that to being proud of yourself for being brave enough to trust someone? Regardless of how it turned out?
Personally, I feel WAAAAY more confident in myself after everything because before I was convinced the only way I could keep myself “safe” was to predict and then control everything (I didn’t think this consciously, obviously, but that was what I subconsciously doing). Then life threw me things I couldn’t predict or control. My ex relapsing. My mom dying of a freak, rare, less-than-1%-of-1% cancer before she was 53. COVID. Now I know I can survive things I can’t control and even thrive. Those things don’t break me. And that’s freed me up to live more fully. And even more exciting, I’ve learned if I let go of the need to predict and control, sometimes things turn out even better than I could have predicted—which never would have happened if I’d limited myself to what I can control. Sometimes it’s worse, haha, but in that case, I know what to do.

I feel like I’m not quite wording this right, but I guess I’m trying to say feeling secure because I tried to be “right” about things and predict things so I wouldn’t get hurt was NEVER as strong a feeling of security as getting hurt and recovering. The former comes with a lot of anxiety and fear, the latter with a lot more freedom. Plus, often I was very cruel to myself with the “trying to avoid” hurt option, because I couldn’t predict everything and avoid hurt, and then I would add insult to injury by blaming myself and being cruel to myself for “not getting it right.” The danger of being a very good student/“smart” girl, lol. 🤣

trailmix

Well, maybe a few things that will back up that belief. You've read around the forum a bit probably, many stories not so different from yours. While these smart, kind, loving, people might come here when the alcoholism hits a crisis point, it usually didn't start out like that.

In all cases really, the person would have liked to have saved the alcoholic. How could he leave his family? His children? His new or yet to be born baby? They can and they do. They don't necessarily even want to leave their families, but they want to drink more. None of these people, despite trying everything could love or cajole or nag or be patient enough to stop the alcoholic from drinking. Certainly there are a few "success" stories for the alcoholic, but it was them that decided to quit.

What if he called tomorrow and said, yeah, I miss you too, come on over, but I am drinking again. How would that look? I'm sure when you imagine him now he's just him - but kind of tipsy. Not the sullen guy laying in the dark room or the guy on facetime. He has a lot to get through, are you sure you would want a front row seat for that?

You would have to be prepared to accept him just the way he is, not how you want him to be. You accept the drinking or you are the enemy of the addiction.

antionym

That's true, I didn't think about that. We didn't get to the ugly part, so it's hard to get a grip on that relief I really want. I can't say good riddance because things were still honemoony. Nothing to be rid of. I know I should be grateful that we never got there, and that maybe he really is trying to spare me. Maybe this really is the lesser of two evils. The sad/romantic version of this is that he always said he never wants me to meet Mr. Hyde, and that's who he's keeping from me.

I think I was pretty convinced, in this short amount of time, that he was the guy who decided to quit and succeeded at it. Like you said before, it didn't cross my mind at all that he could be headed for a relapse or that he could be callous with the person he loves, misses, wants to be with. And I feel bad even positing that, because I can't prove that he is drinking.

He's so warm with everyone he meets. So on the flipside of evading Mr. Hyde, there is that nagging mental image of him as Mr. Flanders back in his classroom, and me at home having a crisis and adjusting my meds. That hurts right now. Like maybe I was the thing he needed to root out. Maybe his decline was me.

About 10 years ago I dated an active alcoholic. I was in law school, neurotic, and he was down and out but very warm and comforting and kind. He would drink till the wee hours and start his day around 5pm when I'm out of class. His drinking and his meds made a big mess. At least some of them were for ADD, and he'd forget to take them, drink, take them, forget again, drink again. It was a daily rollercoaster.

I was hyper-sensitive to the signs. Therapist says when you grow up walking on eggshells, you're always trying to take in clues before the next boom comes. So somehow I knew. He smelled different, his skin felt different, the coolness of his touch, his eyes of course, a few other little things. I asked and he lied, and then he told me that he lied. He also disappeared one day, and that was that.

So in this recent relationship I took twisted pride in feeling like a human thermometer. I knew before he did that he was getting sick - actual sick, not mystery facetime sick. I knew when he was tired, when he needed space, when he wants to say no but says yes instead. I can hear the codependence as I'm writing it. I think this breakup pulled my little superpower away from under me. I can't intuit, I can't predict, I can't sense what's going on, I can't avoid the next boom. Sorry...another heap of self-pity.

You're right, I wouldn't want any part of it, at all. Or I would, and kick myself for staying. I'm still flipping between the 2 channels: Mr. Flanders back to normal now that the woman (trigger?) is gone; or Mr. Hyde who is spiraling downward.

I think until the sullen facetime, I had a Disney image of a relapse. I knew it was possible and even likely, but in my mind...he'd have a drink (slip), we'd talk about it, and come out of it stronger. I do realize how ridiculous that sounds, after reading more and more around this forum.

I totally get that. I've also had to reboot before. Definitely not always voluntarily in my case. I keep wishing for a "good riddance" to help me put a period at the end of this. But that's like wishing we would have suffered more before it ended. A good friend of mine came over today. We had mulled wine, didn't get drunk, and planned future girl dates. I think I actually forgot that was a thing. I got totally wrapped up in what was ultimately a short relationship.

I needed to hear that. And maybe hang it on my wall.

Oh god I am so so sorry that happened to you! And impressed you literally came out the other end stronger than before. But also I am so so sorry. You don't deserve any of that pain.

This is slowly landing with me. I've had disappointments that ended up freeing me. Kind of like, the worst thing I imagined has already happened and I'm still here. I need to let that one sink. Because that impulse is still there, to try and predict, control, prevent, worry everything to death so it might not catch me. But when I was forced into a fall, it was almost a relief.

No, it's making a lot of sense. I'm a "great employee" and a "good girl" and a "hardworking student." All of which mean that I live in constant fear of screwing up. There are so many lawyers that I think know less, do less, prepare less, and comply less than I do. But god do I wish I had their confidence to walk into a courtroom unprepared, make up something on the spot, and win or lose, walk outta that courtroom head held up high. And I started to accept that they're not actually bad lawyers (most of them. There are some real stinkers too). Mostly, they know when to worry and when not to worry. I also know when to worry - all day every day! 😂

edoering

Maybe it didn’t “take away your superpower” but rather forced your hand regarding any codependency habits! Because that superpower you described sounds like codependency symptoms to me 😅.

It looks like you’ve also mentioned multiple times you don’t know for sure if he’s drinking so you don’t want to assume. My ex (when he was clean and sober) taught me that it doesn’t always matter if they’re actually using or not, something he called “addict brain” is a set of behaviors and attitudes, a mindset, that is a sign they are thinking/acting like an addict even if they aren’t using (yet) and more often than not is a sign they are using. Recovery, is not just abstaining, but also reprogramming the mind, healing trauma, identifying contributing factors, and changing their patterns/choices/habits/etc to address everything that came along with the substance abuse. Hallmarks he taught me of “addict brain” were: isolation, victim-mentality or “that’s so unfair,” when things are other people’s fault and not theirs, being upset that life isn’t giving them what they’re “owed” or “deserve” (the recovery counter is accepting life on life’s terms), not being able to handle hardships, spending a lot of time justifying things (like why it’s okay to still do X)… there’s more I can’t think of off the top of my head!

But you don’t need permission to decide certain behaviors are not a good fit for your life. Whether he’s drinking or not, it doesn’t matter. You’re here because something is not working and you are hurt. You’re allowed to be hurt even if he’s not currently drinking. Addiction is also way bigger than just specifically when they’re using.

And re: Mr. Hyde and Mr. Flanders—your loved one will always be capable of both. They both come with him as a package deal. He alone can chose how he handles those parts of him, and recovery can mean he figures out what it takes to manage Mr. Hyde, but as lots of people had to remind me, he’s both. I’d never met my exAH’s Mr. Hyde until the end and it was really heartbreaking. A lot of it was linked to his PTSD which he had actually gotten to a good place with after a lot of therapy and didn’t affect him… until COVID made everyone feel unsafe and triggered a PTSD relapse. Little did I know PTSD can relapse! He was back to having night-terrors and paranoia and other symptoms, and even he didn’t fully understand it because he thought he had “fixed” it and figured it out. And it wasn’t all COVID, he’d reintroduced recreational weed around the same time, and stopped going to meetings (because he’d been clean for so long and doing so well, we thought “maybe it’s safe now?”)—so I’ll never know if the weed re-triggered his neural pathways that triggered the PTSD, or if COVID did (which happened to a lot of PTSD patients who thought they were in the clear), it’s very chicken-and-egg and honestly I don’t think it actually matters which came first. There was no one cause, and so many pivotal crossroads between where it likely started and how it ended.

Regardless, having a Mr. Hyde doesn’t make someone unloveable. But it’s his responsibility, and ONLY his to learn how to handle that part of him.

OH! And never forget the 3 C’s: you didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you can’t Cure it. You (“the woman”) were not “the trigger.” That’s just not how addiction works. Around the same time he reintroduced weed, my ex started battling suicidal depression again, PTSD, all sorts of struggles. We tried looking at moving, or changing his job, or all sorts of “solutions” but he always promised I was the best part of his life, the one piece he didn’t want to change. He even went so far eventually as saying he probably wouldn’t have lived through that summer if it wasn’t for being with me (not how he ever used to talk before this). Then he reintroduced alcohol and more substances, missed me so much he ended a trip early to be with me, then two days later said he was leaving me. After ALL that crisis to get him through this chapter, he moved back to where we were from (and to our least favorite neighborhood, there, lol), and kept the same job that he hated, and changed nothing really in his life except me. Of course I went through a pity stage of thinking it was somehow *me* and without me everything was better.

But after some good sleep, deep breathing, and going to my own meetings/talking on here/etc—I figured out real quick it had nothing to do with me. If anything, I had become a threat to his addiction and so I had to go once his addiction was strong enough to take the driver’s seat in his life. But I’ll never regret being a threat to his addiction.

trailmix

This is very true and I don't think you've mentioned if there was addiction or some other situation in your growing up years.

Regardless of which it was, information and reading about ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) might be beneficial. https://adultchildren.org/

I know the eggshell thing all too well. The jumping when the car door slams, who is home? The drunk mean person, drunk nice person or the person who you just kind of ignore.

It's also a recipe for choosing relationships where you are going to try to correct this/fix them. It's probably no accident that you had an earlier relationship with an alcoholic and now this relationship, while perhaps not on the surface initially, has strong pointers to a person who "needs" you to help them, or that you can fix.

antionym

Oh yeah for sure! I'm realizing it as I'm writing it - wish I'd noticed it sooner. I just gave myself the badge of "intuitive" and felt we were both attuned to each other. Tough it did skew in my direction.

I keep thinking about this arrested development idea that might come with addiction. I have no idea if it's accurate, but last couple days I kept seeing his wounded face, when we argued (though rarely) and I felt I was talking to a little boy who just wanted to help and now I'm mad for no reason. I don't know if it's that boy who's ignoring my pain and sending me old makeup (I mean how long is this going to last?), or if I'm the child and just need to take it on the chin like a pro, and stop feeling so wounded.

I kind of love that he was so candid and shared that with you, very objectively it sound like. It sounds like a bullseye. Especially now. I can't accuse him of making me feel this way, because I'm responsible for me, but my gut says he somehow resents me even though he's the one who left. Like I still get that same feeling of wanting to pull my little boy out of this abyss, or back to me. Whether he's Mr. Hyde or Mr. Flanders right now.

And this has been nagging at me...if I follow my gut (though guts can be wrong, esp coming from trauma), then yes he is having some form of a relapse and he's ashamed and decided to punish himself or both of us. The reason I'm struggling with "he's doing what he needs to do for himself" is because why did it have to happen so abruptly and so cruelly. Why couldn't he say, I'm worried for my mental health let's stop right now. Instead it was like I was being fired for misconduct. By an unfeeling robot. I do think there's a good chance he is or will be trying to pull himself back together. But I bang my head against the wall for being the casualty. We were so so kind and patient and lighthearted with each other. And suddenly I'm the enemy.

I feel like I'm on training wheels trying to put that into my brain and into practice. Were it not for the addiction/mental health/whatever else is happening, I'd expect to be hurt, talk or argue, and resolve. And same for him. But right now something has just toppled over and I can't see it, I can't see it, and I feel like a crazy person. Why can't I see it? He does. Am I the reason he cancels church, cancels his recovery group meetings? How many times did I say please go to church, or we'll go together (I'm Jewish), or you know, if we're together during your group I'll just go run some errands and you can log on. How many times did I say that, and I am afraid that he told himself I distract him. I keep him from sleeping. I keep him from church. I keep him from his support group. I didn't say "let's not eat that." I did NOT want to be his cop. You want a snack, I'll support you. Your body your choice. He lost weight before ever meeting me, I told myself he'd do it again. Without me as his food police. But maybe that makes me an enabler. Wow, I'm ranting and going in circles. The dread came in waves today.

Wow, I had no idea. None! And he was doing well for a stretch of years? That is so heartbreaking, I'm really sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like a minefield. Or what I call whack-a-mole.

I feel like that's exactly what I'm sitting here waiting for. That he wrangle Mr. Hyde, put his supports back in place, and we can pick up where we left. And more pragmatically....let's say he's in a relapse. What happens in 6 months, a year? Am I going to be on a list of amends? Are they going to mean anything to me? One time that someone contacted me for amends I felt like I was being checked off a list. She wasn't close to me, so I wasn't hurt, but it did rub me the wrong way. It felt robotic, not in any way a substantive. Like...I'd rather be skipped. And if my ex does that, like I'm a box to tick, I think it would break my heart again.

That sounds incredibly familiar, wow. I'm sorry you went through that, and for so long. And I really do need to write the 3 Cs somewhere. That's exactly my fear...nothing changed, Mr. Flanders went back to being wonderful and kind and the only change is I got the boot. With my stupid makeup.

I want to be able to tell myself that. Like, I wasn't someone who could help him sustain unhealthy habits. BUT as we're speaking and processing (and thank you so much again, it is priceless to me), I can see how I was headed for co-dependence, if I wasn't already there.

No addiction, and I really hesitate to draw comparisons because I'm learning addiction is its own unique beast, but yeah I lived with Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde, and a mother who checked out. I keep thinking of the age where I started tallying everything I did wrong, on the bus on my way home from school. I cleared myself of all charges, and before I even walked through the door I was screamed at for...an hour? That was short for the stepdad. Sometimes I woke up at 2am with him having screamed at me until I woke up. And if my mother was depressed (at age 8 I didn't know it was post-partum after my brother), then it was "look what you did to your mother." So I spent those years asking, is everything ok, is everything ok. And then being ridiculed for asking. I do have a therapist, I swear. All my gut-spilling.


Not alcohol in my case, but I can SO relate to that. I remember listening to footsteps in the morning, and when I determined they were my stepfather's I felt like I woke up from bad dreams into a living nightmare. Boy, did I hate being home and coming home. But I get angry with myself. Why wasn't I a rebellious kid? Why didn't I talk back? Why didn't I disappear to a friend's place, yell, disobety, be a brat, stand up for myself?? All I see is this "good girl" who didn't have the spine to call him out. (I really really do have a therapist).

I think for sure you're right. I was just so sure that I broke the pattern. Was kind of in disbelief about it actually - suddenly a healthy relationship with a wonderful, caring man. But my sad superpower was drawn to danger after all.

trailmix

Yes, I should have mentioned, they actually changed their name to Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA)/Dysfunctional Families - because the results are pretty much the same.

Not everyone ticks off each box for it, as with anything, but growing up with dysfunction makes it "normal". Makes dysfunction normal. So where someone might look at someone's relationship and go omg, how does he or she put up with that - well, that's probably your answer.

You get a high tolerance for mistreatment. You also build defense mechanisms. Those mechanisms can be truly great in life where they help to protect you, on the flipside, they maybe don't work as well when you are in a situation where those defence mechanisms allow you to stay in a not-great situation too long.

I'm really sorry that was your childhood, it sounds like hell.

Oh and I was rebellious, it doesn't really make any difference, I don't think? if that's any consolation at all lol

antionym

Oh I see, I will look that up, thank you.

My therapist has said the same thing in the past - you sort of get inured to mistreatment. Either you don't realize not everyone lives that way, or you start wearing your resilience as a badge of honor. I have done both in the past.

I need to let it sink that this is mistreatment. The shock hasn't worn off, I keep waiting to learn it was all one big misunderstanding.

Hahaha maybe yeah, if I didn't miss out on much in the rebellious phase 🤭

antionym

Oh I see, I will look that up, thank you.

My therapist has said the same thing in the past - you sort of get inured to mistreatment. Either you don't realize not everyone lives that way, or you start wearing your resilience as a badge of honor. I have done both in the past.

I need to let it sink that this is mistreatment. The shock hasn't worn off, I keep waiting to learn it was all one big misunderstanding.

Hahaha maybe yeah, if I didn't miss out on much in the rebellious phase 🤭

trailmix

Well to be honest, the rebellion was a lot of fun!

Yes, it is mistreatment indeed. Total disregard for your feelings. If nothing else he could have at least sat down and talked to you, even if his feelings are missing (and I mean all feeling, not just toward you - known as anhedonia and is not unheard of in early sobriety or depression).

Eventually, maybe, you might even get angry. That's normal too. In fact, if you do feel anger at some point, it's not a bad thing to hold on to for a while. It can help to propel you out of this. Never too long of course, maybe weeks, eventually, after the anger has worn off, you will probably feel more settled.

antionym

Oh, that makes a lot of sense. Just looked it up and did some investigating.

Could anhedonia return, assuming he's experiencing some sort of relapse/crisis? Could it last days/weeks? It would explain his stoic demeanor, his willingness to cut off with no (visible) regrets, his sullen facetime. His callousness knowing I'm hurting and willing to keep hurting me. I know it's not intentional or personal (though the makeup box felt personal). But ultimately, it's not him. This is a man who'd feel guilty if he accidentally elbow me. His empathy was big.

Anger is a problem area. I get irritable day to day, but when conflicts happen in my family or relationships, sometimes I need to withdraw - but I am never angry at the person. Therapist says that happens when you turn anger towards yourself, instead of outward towards other people or circumstances. She was kind of shocked ("you never had a vengeful fantasy?"), and I had no idea I wasn't "normal" in that way. Right now, I really really wish I could hate him to create some emotional distance.


Sorry for being so inarticulate today. Mush brain.