Rockhopper

Hello,

I'm sure my story is a familiar one. My husband of 4 years has always had a problem with drinking to excess. Previous to meeting me it resulted in serious cases of self harm.
When we got together he seemed to turn a corner despite some back slides but I always made sure I was there for him, loved him, tried to get him whatever help he needed.
In the past year his drinking ramped up(?) In that he only drank when he knew he was alone on a weekend (I work shifts, often away for long periods).
During these binges I'd come home to verbal and emotional abuse, just generally being horrid to me while denying he'd been drinking.
He had a particularly bad time over Christmas and once again promised he would stop, the kids and I were all he needed, he was going teetotal. I never pushed him to get more help as, on occasion, he can stop drinking for extended periods. I always made allowances for him and his behaviour because I loved him.

Last weekend I was once again at work all weekend. I found him passed out on the sofa my first morning and as he'd promised he would never drink again, I told him he had to leave by the time I got in.
Instead he continued to get drunk, beyond the point of coherence.
When I got home I packed him a bag and told him to leave. After years of this pattern I had finally had enough. He threatened to kill himself, then when he realised I was finally serious and he wasn't going to get anywhere, he got me by the throat and tried to choke me.
Thankfully (or not) my teenage children were in and I called for help. They got him out of the house and police were called.

Since that night a week ago, I have heard nothing from him other than through his parents asking for items from the house he needs for work.

The guidance I want/need I suppose is that the fact he's been so silent is killing me.
On previous occasions he has been like this, albeit under the same roof still, and I've told him that his silence makes me feel like he's blaming me and this is my punishment for calling him out on his behaviour. He knows I suffer with anxiety and depression (probably not unrelated to the start of this pattern).
I feel like I need to know what his thoughts are, feelings are if there's any remorse at all. The longer he leaves it the more it feels like he's not sorry at all and once again will not seek proper treatment.
I don't feel I'm able to make a fully informed decision or try to start to move forward with my life until he starts talking and that he's being cruel on top of what he's already put us through.

I'm currently on a waiting list for therapy but until then they suggested writing things down in letter form, not intended to be sent, to try and make sense in my own head. I'm very tempted to send it, not that I expect he'll read it or take anything I say to heart but I don't know if making that first contact will be in mine or his best interest.

Sorry, reading this back seems very waffley and disjointed but my head is not in a straight line tight now.

I just wondered if anyone who has been through similar had any advice/thoughts/strength to offer?

LoveMyAHusband

I can definitely relate. Run to your local bookstore and pick up Codependent No More - it’s amazing for situations such as yours. It’ll help you find peace whether you hear from him or not.

Hatguysgirl

I have no advice, just solidarity. My stbxah won't talk to me, this has always been his tactic to make me crazy. He knows I hate being ignored. He would ignore me until I lost it and started being mean, and then he'd start responding, asking why I'm being crazy. It's been 4 months since I kicked him out, and he still does this. In the past it was how he would turn things around to make them my fault, and eventually he would get his way. I'm not sure why he still does it when I've made it clear that it's over if he doesn't sober up, and he's not going to sober up.

trailmix

Rockhopper, this man tried to choke you. He could have killed you if the kids hadn't been there.

This is something that every woman needs to know. If someone attempts to strangle you, it's a very serious risk to your safety (if they don't actually kill you the first time).

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/b...estic-violence

I also want to make a post about your situation, but wanted to post about this in particular.

trailmix

So, yes please high tail it to the bookstore for Codependent No More (Melody Beattie), as LoveMyAHusband suggested.

You have been in this relationship for a while and he only very recently left, so it's pretty normal to be kind of panicking. Especially as he has gone silent. It will take a week or two for the FOG to clear (Fear, Obligation, Guilt), but please, for yourself, do take that time. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it.

When we live in a house with dysfunction, it starts to seem kind of normal - because heck, it is our normal!

It seems sometimes like if we could just have contact with them, it would ease the pain and worry. Well it might, for a very short while, but you can't really count on the person to hurt you to heal that hurt.

He needs help, professional help. Now, he may or may not get that help, that's up to him - you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c;s) - that's really the truth. IF he decides to get sober and get therapy or counselling, that really up to him, to do that work.

In the meantime, he's just a threat to your life and a threat to your wellbeing. I would not worry about him honestly. He's got his parents, he's not going anywhere and he has truly made a hash of your relationship. Now is the time for him to step up, not for you to smooth it over.

Ok well, let's see what we do know. He is an alcoholic. He tried to strangle you (if that wasn't bad enough, and it is, his children witnessed it). He uses the silent treatment to punish you. I'm sure you could make a much longer list.

This feeling you have is codependence, you want to control this and really you can't, it's not possible. He is a grown man and he needs to be able to step up to the plate and work on himself.

For you, this is the absolute best time to start working on yourself. Take time for yourself, do things you enjoy, keep busy doing those things. Get in touch with friends and family that may have fallen by the wayside. Maybe go to Al Anon meetings and your kids would probably benefit from Alateen as well. It's good for them as well that you asked him to leave. They now know that loyalty to him is misplaced and that you don't let people treat you that way and just keep on.

Rockhopper

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply. At this point any thing I can cling on to for strength is a God send.

I'll be ordering that book today, my head is still in the cycle of feeling I must be the one to try and fix things. And maybe accept something's can't be fixed.

I honestly really appreciate all your advice and will try to stay strong. Thank you

trailmix

I hope you will stick around GH, post as often as you like, of course, don't hesitate. There is lots of support here for you.

Seren

I really can't add much to what has been said here already except to restate that this man tried to kill you...and your own children rescued you.

Please don't worry that you haven't heard from him. It is a blessing.

I hope someday you will realize you are worth far better treatment.