Talking to Teens
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Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 252
Talking to Teens
Here’s a very practical question for all of you. My husband of two years moved out last Wednesday (at my request because he crossed my boundary of not drinking when the kids are in our care). Prior to that, he was mostly sober for 6 months (and always in front of the kids) except the last few weeks. He and the kids (13 and 15) get along well, although both he and they have retreated into their rooms a lot in the last few months. The 15 year old has been incredibly difficult lately, skipping school, sometimes drinking or smoking pot, and is very angry with me (my ex has been feeding him lies about me for years and is always permissive and buying their live). They don’t know my hubby’s drinking again (he’s hidden it well) or that he’s moved out. Any tips for how to break it to them? (Keeping in mind that I just happen to have a pre-scheduled custody hearing in a couple weeks that should ideally just be routine, and my ex is VICIOUS towards me.)
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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I've never been able to have children, so I don't have anything to offer except to say that honesty (to the greatest extent possible) is probably the best policy. As far as your children's father, just keep to the high road. Your children will eventually be mature enough to discern who is telling them the truth. I'm sorry it is all so hard right now.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I never had children, I was one, once.
My Mom never talked about Dad's drinking. Truthfully, I saw him 'drunk' maybe a handful of times. Unfortunately for me, when I decided to marry my late husband, the experience with my dad led me to think that drinking a lot was no big deal.
It is a big deal. You have a child *years* from legal drinking age (or legally smoking cannabis.) The reason age limits have been enacted are because the younger one is when s/he starts using drugs, the more likely it is to become addicted. It would seem that telling them that Step-dad's (?) behavior is unacceptable would be important. It demonstrates to them that 1) addiction is a problem and 2) Mom isn't a doormat who's going to just accept any behavior. And THAT will hopefully morph into "Addiction will cause problems in my relationships" and "I don't have to accept such behavior from my life partner, either."
You can't control your Ex, though. I would think (never having been in your position) that moving an adult alcoholic OUT of your home would demonstrate you put the welfare of your children first.
My Mom never talked about Dad's drinking. Truthfully, I saw him 'drunk' maybe a handful of times. Unfortunately for me, when I decided to marry my late husband, the experience with my dad led me to think that drinking a lot was no big deal.
It is a big deal. You have a child *years* from legal drinking age (or legally smoking cannabis.) The reason age limits have been enacted are because the younger one is when s/he starts using drugs, the more likely it is to become addicted. It would seem that telling them that Step-dad's (?) behavior is unacceptable would be important. It demonstrates to them that 1) addiction is a problem and 2) Mom isn't a doormat who's going to just accept any behavior. And THAT will hopefully morph into "Addiction will cause problems in my relationships" and "I don't have to accept such behavior from my life partner, either."
You can't control your Ex, though. I would think (never having been in your position) that moving an adult alcoholic OUT of your home would demonstrate you put the welfare of your children first.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
I do have a child and yes, I was one too once!
As a teen of an alcoholic Father I was angry and rebellious. I never really got in to trouble per se, but I also wasn't letting anyone tell me what to do. I wasn't angry at my Mom or even my Dad at that point (Father was an alcoholic) I was just angry.
This may sound drastic, but if at all possible I would get your Son to a rehab facility. I don't know if there are any in your area that would take someone so young, but it's worth checking out. Barring that, or maybe as well as that, some "open" AA meetings. Open meetings are marked as such (check their website) and anyone is welcome to attend. He is still under your care, he needs to go really whether he likes it or not.
You never know with teens which way they will go. He might get older and decide all this rebellion is foolish and go on to great things. Or he will continue to smoke and drink and it will become a huge problem in his life.
As Velma mentioned, being around people who drink heavily makes it seem "normal".
My Mom never talked to us about my Dad's drinking, I knew he was an alcoholic, I just didn't really know what that entailed. She would say "your Dad is drunk" - I mean it wasn't like she was trying to hide anything.
I think a conversation about alcoholism is in order, having them understand that it affects his brain, thinking and personality is important. I also think talking to your kids about what has really happened (in terms of stories told by their Father) is really important. That resentment toward you can carry on in to adulthood. He may not believe you at this point, that's his prerogative, but at least he will have the information.
Perhaps therapy for him also if it's possible.
As a teen of an alcoholic Father I was angry and rebellious. I never really got in to trouble per se, but I also wasn't letting anyone tell me what to do. I wasn't angry at my Mom or even my Dad at that point (Father was an alcoholic) I was just angry.
This may sound drastic, but if at all possible I would get your Son to a rehab facility. I don't know if there are any in your area that would take someone so young, but it's worth checking out. Barring that, or maybe as well as that, some "open" AA meetings. Open meetings are marked as such (check their website) and anyone is welcome to attend. He is still under your care, he needs to go really whether he likes it or not.
You never know with teens which way they will go. He might get older and decide all this rebellion is foolish and go on to great things. Or he will continue to smoke and drink and it will become a huge problem in his life.
As Velma mentioned, being around people who drink heavily makes it seem "normal".
My Mom never talked to us about my Dad's drinking, I knew he was an alcoholic, I just didn't really know what that entailed. She would say "your Dad is drunk" - I mean it wasn't like she was trying to hide anything.
I think a conversation about alcoholism is in order, having them understand that it affects his brain, thinking and personality is important. I also think talking to your kids about what has really happened (in terms of stories told by their Father) is really important. That resentment toward you can carry on in to adulthood. He may not believe you at this point, that's his prerogative, but at least he will have the information.
Perhaps therapy for him also if it's possible.
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 40
My 16 year old sounds like your 15 year old but he’s told me how angry he is at his father and that he’s extremely happy dads no longer in the house. I have noticed he is doing better now dads gone. I have noticed he’ll hit his dad up for money and my ex will give it to him maybe out of guilt? I went honesty all the way with him and my 19 year old. I told them both they’re free to visit dad which they very rarely do. Custody is not an issue luckily. I have talked to them both about addiction and what has been modeled to them via their dad. Also about the genetic vulnerability they have. My 16 year old rolls his eyes at me but I think he’s taking it on board.
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