lazysusan

Last week, I told my AB that I was not coming back until he stopped drinking and implemented a recovery plan. I live with him 4 days a week and spend the remainder of the time at my mom’s, so I’ve been with her.

Since then, he says he hasn’t been drinking. He has contacted a psychiatrist who specializes in substance use and can provide med management and therapy. He has an appt in a couple of weeks. He also sees a cognitive behavioral therapist who he says he’ll continue with, and an old case worker calls him once a week, and my partner says he’ll talk with him. He refuses to go to a treatment program bc he “already knows everything about treating aud.” He refuses to go to AA bc he believes it’s cult like and isn’t into the “god stuff” and “shaming.” I suggested he go to a php program for ptsd, smart recovery, or dharma recovery, and he refuses. He says that maybe in a couple of years when he has his underlying issues straightened out, he’ll be able to drink again.

My AB says that this is his recovery plan and that he’ll add more as time goes on. He says I’m being unsupportive bc I’m not there. I don’t think his plan is good enough, to be honest. I’ve told him that I’d leave unless he got sober and meaningful support last June and the prior December. Both times, he stopped, went to a couple AA meetings and I went back, Then, when he relapses a few months later, there’s no talking him down. Ive been telling him I’ve been unhappy bc of his drinking for the past several months., I don’t want to repeat this cycle again - I won’t. He has ptsd related anger issues when he’s drunk that I get the brunt of. He can be verbally abusive and refuses to get a job w regular pay (he’s opting to work on his business that does not make enough money to support him). He can be a bully. I’m discouraged that he thinks he may be able to drink again.

My AB says that he’s confused about what I want and that I’m being judgmental of his recovery. He says that I have mental health issues too (true), and it’s not fair that this is all on him. He says a lot of our issues stem from my not living with him full time, because my leaving triggers his ptsd. He doesn’t like the amount of time I spend working and he is threatened by my relationship with my mom. He thinks it s unhealthy- I think she’s my best friend. I’d love to live with my partner and have a normal relationship, but am not going to move in w him full time bc of his attitude, the drinking and because he lives in a warehouse without a shower and functional kitchen. I want to be supportive, but I’m also exhausted and want more faith that he is committed to recovery. I don’t have it in me to do this anymore. He says he is hurt bc I’m focusing on all of the negative things in our relationship rather than the positive. It’s true - we have wonderful times peppered with degrading incidents that I won’t tolerate. For example, this past December, he called me selfish and said “fuck you bitch” and told me to get out, and I left at 3am. He said I overreacted. He said that to me bc I asked him to turn the volume of the tv down bc I had work in the morning. I just can’t.

I’m having a hard time figuring out my boundaries with this. Should I have more trust and respect for his recovery plan? Is it unhealthy and unfair for me to demand that he do more? What has a recovery plan been for you and your loved ones? Any input would be appreciated.

Thank you ❤️

ToughChoices

Boundaries do not control another person's decisions or behavior. They simply protect your own interests (which is healthy and good). It sounds like you don't trust his recovery plan because previous, similar plans haven't been successful in the past. That is reasonable.

He is correct that his recovery plan is his own - it is not fair for you to demand more. BUT. It is perfectly healthy for you to determine that his recovery plan isn't compatible with your life or what you want from a relationship.

As a person in recovery from substance use, I see a counselor who specializes in addiction, attend 3-4 AA meetings each week, work on an individual, intense 12-Step program online, have a sponsor, read and post here daily, meditate, and completely abstain from all drugs and alcohol. My spouse did not set up any of the above services or dictate any of the terms of my recovery. It is my own, because it is what I want.

You want recovery for your loved one, but you can only find it for yourself. It may be best to focus on making your life better. Spend time with your lovely mother. Enjoy the work that you love. Cherish your healthy friendships. Eat lovely food. Find a good therapist and talk all this out. Consider Al-Anon.

You are only in charge of yourself. He's in charge of him.

I know this is so hard to accept. Addiction completely sucks.

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best!

BlownOne

That's not a recovery plan. It's manipulation. The fact of the matter is is that he doesn't need your support to get sober or be in recovery. That's on him and nobody else. His saying that he hopes to be able to drink again someday also shows that he doesn't understand alcoholism, because it doesn't work that way for us. And deflecting his own issues by bringing up any you may have is just plain insensitive. Real recovery looks, smells and acts like real recovery. You'll KNOW. The complete change will be unmistakable. Stay away from this man until he starts taking his recovery seriously. I know it's hard. Peace to you.

biminiblue

This bit I bolded IS your boundary.

Your boundary needs to be enforced by YOU. Meaning, if you say something it is up to you to act on that. Not him. His "action" on it is to continue drinking after he plays along for a little while to get you back in his bed.

It is not all on him.

He doesn't sound like he is interested or isn't capable of honoring your boundary. It also isn't your job to continue to explain it to him, but as long as you continue to engage with him you'll be dragged along. Pretty simple. It isn't up to him, it's up to you. You have taught him that you don't do what you say you are going to do - just like him.

This is a dangerous manipulation he's doing. I hope you run. Fast. Abuse, questioning your relationships with others (mom,) not working, using "PTSD" as an excuse for verbal abuse and drunken anger?...Very dangerous.

lazysusan

Thank you all for your time and insight! I am definitely codependent and need to work on myself. You all are right. It is his life, decision and plan. My boundary is not to be subjected to the negativity or manipulation anymore - I need to trust that this can be respected. I do not trust that he is serious about changing the status quo for all of the reasons everyone has mentioned. I don’t know how to reestablish trust at this point or if it can even happen. I hope it can. I think it may require me to take some time to myself to recenter. And to give him time to decide his path. I wish there was a magic bullet. Has anyone been at this point with a partner who was ultimately successful with their recovery? What did you or didn’t you do? I think I need to relearn how to trust my instincts.

nez

There is absolutely nothing wrong with setting boundaries and staying true to them, in fact it is healthy. What is not productive, is pointing fingers and you both are doing that. Taking personal responsibility is very liberating. For me it is about setting, establishing, and respecting boundaries, both mine and other people's. It is not about me deciding what I think other people's behavior needs to be, that is outside of my personal realm. Me deciding what I will do in response to the behavior of other people, keeps it in my personal realm.

trailmix

I would recommend you read around the forum. There are many threads with this same type of situation (partner promising to quit but continuing to drink).

It is truly up to him whether he chooses recovery and how he goes about that if he does chose it (he hasn't shown that yet). How do you tell? Actions, not words. Your living there are not is irrelevant (well at least to you). Lots of people get sober all by themselves.

He is using manipulation to have you toe the line. You've had enough of the drink - try being sober - drink - cycle and that's ok, you don't have to stay and you don't have to stay in this relationship.

You are right, time away is probably your best move right now. It gives you time to clear the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and get a look from the outside to see what's going on there and do you actually want to be a part of it? It doesn't sound like it.

Alcoholics can't drink, period. Alcoholism never goes away, like any drug addiction, it can only be kept at bay by not using the drug. If he attempts to drink down the road he will probably be right back where he is now. I doubt that is a plan you want to be part of.

dbyrer

I'm sorry for what brings you here but glad you have found this forum. This is not a recovery plan so of course you can't trust it. The man is free to do what he will, but you are also free to live your life without the drama and misery. Unless you accept his as he is right here and right now and can live with him as he is right now, you may want to consider breaking things off. His alcohol use is his business and should never have to be yours. I wish you well.