Imhappy4me

Hi everyone,

My husband was sober for one year and then relapsed. He revealed to me that during the year of sobriety he had two “slips” but ultimately got right back with the program. Now he has been sober for 7 months and he wants a baby and I do to but I want to wait a few years. He wanted a baby while he was actively drinking as well so I just don’t think his judgement can be trusted. He says his drinking has nothing to do with a baby and I know this isn’t true at all but why do I feel like a piece of crap for turning him down. He says that everyone else around him has the joy of bringing life into the world but he doesn’t. He also said we’re getting old but we’re only 33 and 34; still young in my eyes.

I guess I just need some words of encouragement that I’m making the right choice for the right reason. I told him that since I’ve reconnected with Al-Anon and taking it more seriously that I’m really finding myself. I’m getting to know me, my likes and dislikes, setting boundaries, etc and I’m enjoying this. I am loving this journey and I don’t want a baby to take me off this path of self discovery. I also want to strengthen our relationship before bringing another child into this.

A little positivity will help me tremendously. Thank you

Dee74

Hi I'm happy4me - I think waiting a few years is a very sensible decision

D

trailmix

I second that. You're right to be concerned.

A year sober is great, a couple more years and you might feel more confident about having a baby. As I'm sure you know, active alcoholics make terrible parents.

I would surely wait until he has a really firm footing in sobriety and recovery (two different things). You will be doing all of you a favour (including him).

And welcome!

velma929

I think you're making the right decision.

He says his drinking has nothing to do with a baby
Did he mean perhaps that drinking had nothing to do with wanting a baby? Okay, I'll buy that. Does he realize that when he's under the influence, 100% of the responsibility falls onto your shoulders? I guess not.

He says that everyone else around him has the joy of bringing life into the world but he doesn’t.
When my late husband came back from Southeast Asia and he and his fiancee looked around and felt like everyone else was getting married. They decided they should get married, too. Marriage lasted 2 1/2 years, and by then, they had had a baby (wife thought it would help their marriage. It didn't)

ToughChoices

You know your answer. Your heart knows what is needed right now. I’ve found that going against my own instincts often brings turmoil and pain. Better to disappoint your spouse’s (unrealistic) expectations now than to disappoint yourself and (likely) your child later on.

As a person in grateful recovery from substance abuse, I sometimes feel an emotional urge to reproduce! What a blessing! Life is beautiful, and I am strong! 🎉
But.
Babies are blessings. They are also hard, tiring, thankless work - the opposite of what I really need right now. My rational mind knows this. Life is still beautiful and I am still strong. I pour my energy into my self, my existing children, my work, and my spouse.

I would discourage you from allowing him to predicate your faith in him with your willingness to have another child. Don’t be manipulated.

Grow! Learn! Enjoy!

BlownOne

The fact that your husband is even asking you to consider this only 7 months in to his recovery tells me that he isn't taking it seriously enough. Making a baby with his wife should literally be the very last thing on his mind right now. He should be totally focused on learning how to live and thrive in recovery. Nothing puts more pressure on (even a healthy) marriage than having a baby, much less when one of the parents is battling alcoholism or addiction. You are 100% right to hold your ground. Best wishes to both of you. Peace.

Nd819

I think your thinking is wise. The last thing you want is to have to coparent with an alcoholic. You may find yourself with two choices, staying and being miserable, or leaving and knowing there is a good chance you will have to share custody with someone in your heart of hearts you can't trust with your child. Lots of people have babies a little later in life now.

sage1969

Fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) is a serious problem for babies, and either parent if battling alcoholism can cause this in the baby. Both men's and women's bodies need time to recover from the effects of alcohol consumption before planning to have a child.

The risk of having a baby with FAS decreases the longer a person is in recovery; most people are advised to be in solid recovery for at least a year anyway before making important decisions and relationship decisions. A little bit of time would make a very big difference for you and your husband if you choose to have a family in the future.

Imhappy4me

I haven’t figured out how to reply individually so this will have to do. I am so grateful that each of you were able to respond to me. I have been going back and forth about whether or not we should have a baby for 5 years. My reason for not wanting to has always been because I want him to be more firmly planted in his program, but I have come to realize that I too must be firmly planted in my program and wellness. I accept that I am flawed. Finally. So now I just want to work on me. With love and Grace, I choose me. All of your responses were exactly the confirmation that I needed. Thank you so much.

dbyrer

Maybe do some reading on the forum for the children of alcoholics if you are having trouble deciding.