I want a divorce wow
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Join Date: Jan 2023
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I want a divorce wow
I have been through everything you could possibly imagine with my husband. We’ve been together for 9 years and we’ve been married for 2. We got married after he was sober because yep I thought sobriety would solve all our problems. Boy was I wrong. Over the years, we have physically hurt each other, verbally hurt each other, cheated on each other, he got 3 DUIs, been to jail, lost several jobs, I can go on and on. But once he got sober I thought it was magic, I thought that was the answer. Well he revealed to me after we were married he had “two slips” and he was struggling extremely bad with a gambling addiction as well. I mean, what a smack in the face. To top that off, he went on a bender 7 months ago, he went to rehab, thankfully he has been sober since then but I just feel so empty. I wish that sobriety solved the problem, I think we would have been in a better position to work on other parts of our relationship that needs repair if he would’ve stayed sober. There goes that. I say all that to say, I want out. He is actually doing pretty good right now, working out daily, he has a great job, helping with the kids more, and household duties but I still want out. As for me, I am back in Al-Anon and I am committed to working the program for me! I am also working out daily and have an awesome job. I’m happy with that but not my marriage. I think all of this turmoil has been my higher powers way of showing me my defects and allowing me to surrender. Showing me that I need help to, I have a sort of peace with that. Serenity. Can anyone relate to wanting out after the addict in your life is finally sober? What a ride!
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I've seen it said in other stories here, not infrequently. While the active alcoholism and drama is going on, who has time for relationship maintenance and building? No one. It's a tornado that just keeps going, it becomes the center of the household and everyone's life.
If the person finally stops drinking and gets in to recovery, that damage is still there. You probably actually distanced yourself emotionally a while ago. You kind of have to for self preservation, it's a natural reaction.
Can it be worked on successfully? Maybe, maybe not, but if you aren't in it, you just aren't and maybe it's time to move along. It really sounds like you have already made up your mind?
If the person finally stops drinking and gets in to recovery, that damage is still there. You probably actually distanced yourself emotionally a while ago. You kind of have to for self preservation, it's a natural reaction.
Can it be worked on successfully? Maybe, maybe not, but if you aren't in it, you just aren't and maybe it's time to move along. It really sounds like you have already made up your mind?
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I do have my mind made up. Now I have to actually make the move and that’s hard for me. I’ve been battling knowing this isn’t what I want for the past year. Once he relapsed that was my chance to leave but I kicked into my regular habits, I wanted to get him help. I am tired of this cycle. I suppose it’s just going to hurt and I have to face it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Pretty much that is it. You just steel yourself and take care of telling him and moving etc if necessary and once everything is sorted out there, you can take stock of where you are at and how you are feeling.
I don't know what he is like, but remember you never need to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) unless you want to. It could become a circular conversation and that's not helpful, as you know. But again, I don't know him or how he will take your decision.
You have plenty of time to review everything that went on, how you may or may not want to change and what you want for your life.
I don't know what he is like, but remember you never need to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) unless you want to. It could become a circular conversation and that's not helpful, as you know. But again, I don't know him or how he will take your decision.
You have plenty of time to review everything that went on, how you may or may not want to change and what you want for your life.
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Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 34
I'm with you. My husband isn't fully sober and isn't working a program (although he does counseling and has for a while).
I'm happy he's cut back. He's slowed the bleeding, so to speak, but it doesn't mean our marriage will survive.
My husband wasn't falling down drunk every day, he's just had some crazy binges and made some catastrophically bad choices.
In our case, my biggest issue was the lying and gaslighting. It's become really difficult for me to bring up pretty much any concern with him, big or small, for fear of how he'll react. He was so cruel on several occasions, going as far as laughing in my face when I told him I'd considered leaving and telling me that the problem wasn't his cocaine use, it was my anxiety disorder and all his friends' wives are cool with it. He's often suggested that I "should've told him" what I wanted him to do (like not do cocaine, or come home at night when he's out). I don't want to be his mother and I've told him as much.
He's mostly cut back on the gaslighting too, but the effects of it linger, and I think they always will. It's sad. I really do love him, and I can't believe he's finally making some changes and it's still not enough.
I read this a while back and it really helped me to understand my own feelings. Maybe you'll find it helpful too.
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2019...matthew-salis/
Sending you positive thoughts.
I'm happy he's cut back. He's slowed the bleeding, so to speak, but it doesn't mean our marriage will survive.
My husband wasn't falling down drunk every day, he's just had some crazy binges and made some catastrophically bad choices.
In our case, my biggest issue was the lying and gaslighting. It's become really difficult for me to bring up pretty much any concern with him, big or small, for fear of how he'll react. He was so cruel on several occasions, going as far as laughing in my face when I told him I'd considered leaving and telling me that the problem wasn't his cocaine use, it was my anxiety disorder and all his friends' wives are cool with it. He's often suggested that I "should've told him" what I wanted him to do (like not do cocaine, or come home at night when he's out). I don't want to be his mother and I've told him as much.
He's mostly cut back on the gaslighting too, but the effects of it linger, and I think they always will. It's sad. I really do love him, and I can't believe he's finally making some changes and it's still not enough.
I read this a while back and it really helped me to understand my own feelings. Maybe you'll find it helpful too.
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2019...matthew-salis/
Sending you positive thoughts.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Wow, that article is amazingly spot on wellthen and well written.
The part where he talks about having to go back to revisit those hurts is so true, can't move forward without it. It's probably why many relationships don't work out after sobriety. That's a lot of pain to be willing to go through, when you have already been hurt and ignored etc by then.
You know it's funny (as in odd funny), when he mentions all his wives friends are cool with it. Aside from the obvious reference to childhood things, maybe he should be thinking he has the wrong friends?
The part where he talks about having to go back to revisit those hurts is so true, can't move forward without it. It's probably why many relationships don't work out after sobriety. That's a lot of pain to be willing to go through, when you have already been hurt and ignored etc by then.
You know it's funny (as in odd funny), when he mentions all his wives friends are cool with it. Aside from the obvious reference to childhood things, maybe he should be thinking he has the wrong friends?
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Join Date: Jan 2023
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That article is so helpful…wow! One difference with my story is that my XAP (12 days X) is that he never apologized for his drinking. I found that so frustrating and very telling…he wasn’t sorry that the night before he passed out on the couch at 6pm with a half drank beer in his hand. He woke up the next morning and said nothing. Later in the day he started again. He o ly apologized when he was not living me and was desperate to get back…or at least that’s my guess. Thank you for posting this. I have printed a copy of it!
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Join Date: Jan 2023
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Originally Posted by vision2023 
That article is so helpful…wow! One difference with my story is that my XAP (12 days X) is that he never apologized for his drinking. I found that so frustrating and very telling…he wasn’t sorry that the night before he passed out on the couch at 6pm with a half drank beer in his hand. He woke up the next morning and said nothing. Later in the day he started again. He o ly apologized when he was not living me and was desperate to get back…or at least that’s my guess. Thank you for posting this. I have printed a copy of it!
mine would only really apologize when he did something really bad—like drive home drunk, sleep until 2, and wake up to discover I’d taken the kids out of the house. Then I’d get a one-word text: “sorry.”
he has apologized since, kind of. But only after I’ve told him I’m done.
The liquid lover part got me. There were so many nights I’d get dressed up pretty on date night like as if that would make him pick me. And he’d hit the bars after and I’d go home alone to relieve the sitter.
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