heyou

My XAH is at this moment living in his truck in my neighbors driveway. We've been divorced for about 18 months but have maintained some contact - short phone calls weekly. He has bounced around since the divorce had a roommate, was at his brothers and then his parents. Finally tried to stop drinking and ended up in the hospital for detox and then rehab. Stayed sober for a couple of weeks and then took a nosedive the last 3 weeks. Ended up in jail and everyone in his family has kicked him out. He's not a nice person - can be very violent - or the nicest person in the world and it can change quickly. So obviously I can't let him in here. I've let him charge his phone in my outside outlet and have given him a bag with some water and food and a list of numbers for local assistance. I last saw him back in late July and he looked about like he did when we divorced. When I saw him a couple of days ago I almost didn't recognize him. He is soooo skinny - can barely walk. I am pretty sure he's on more than alcohol now. No idea where he is getting money - he has no job. I am just struggling watching him kill himself basically. I talked to his brother the other day and I'm going to call his dad later this week. But I honestly don't know what to do.

Eauchiche

Sounds like you are handling things just fine. Personally, I'm not sure I could handle weekly conversations with him, however.

heyou

Well at least I sound like I'm handling it! But truthfully I can't stop crying and wishing things were different. I lost my mom about 6 months ago from health issues caused by her smoking so watching someone else rapidly deteriorating right in front of me and not being able to do a darn thing about it is torture. And having your ex husband sitting almost directly in front of your house is creepy regardless!!!

Noelaus3

That must be really hard. Hugs to you. I’d imagine it’s no accident he’s parked himself right where you can see him. You sound like you are handling it as best anyone could under those circumstances.

sage1969

Depending on your town's ordinances, living in a vehicle can be problematic. For various health reasons for both your XAH and others in your neighborhood, it's also problematic, and if he's been violent in the past, it's really not safe for him to be living in his vehicle in proximity to your house and how you access and leave your house.

Most jurisdictions have resources to either report unhoused persons and / or do safety / welfare checks. If there's a way for you to do so with anonymity and with no risk to your safety, you might call for a welfare check. This removes him from an unsafe situation (if he looks the way he does, he has health issues) and removes you from a potential situation down the road.

heyou

Thank you - I may call and report in a day or two if he's still here. I think the biggest issue is he really has no where to go. The shelters here all require no drinking/drugs and as addicted as he is I don't think he can physically go 12 hours without it. I have given him the numbers again for resources for rehab and detox. So far he's only called to ask to charge his phone and has been very nice and polite. I am being nice when I talk to him but trying to keep the conversation brief. I don't want to give him the idea that I will let him come inside or give him money. It's going to be in the low 20s this weekend so hopefully he will go to a shelter - they are much less strict on cold nights. And I think I will call his parents tomorrow - see if they are able to do something. Seeing him in this condition - right in front of me is just killing me.

heyou

Thank you - I may call and report in a day or two if he's still here. I think the biggest issue is he really has no where to go. The shelters here all require no drinking/drugs and as addicted as he is I don't think he can physically go 12 hours without it. I have given him the numbers again for resources for rehab and detox. So far he's only called to ask to charge his phone and has been very nice and polite. I am being nice when I talk to him but trying to keep the conversation brief. I don't want to give him the idea that I will let him come inside or give him money. It's going to be in the low 20s this weekend so hopefully he will go to a shelter - they are much less strict on cold nights. And I think I will call his parents tomorrow - see if they are able to do something. Seeing him in this condition - right in front of me is just killing me.

Seren

I'm sorry to read about your ex's condition. It's so heartbreaking watching someone literally destroy themselves.

How is your neighbor tolerating your ex squatting in his driveway? That isn't clear to me. Are they drinking buddies? I worry that he, as your ex, might begin camping in your driveway because it used to be his home as well, right? I hope the legal boundaries in the divorce were quite clear.

I suppose the only thing you can do is call an ambulance if your ex is in immediate danger.

heyou

My ex and this neighbor were friends while we were married and have remained friends. They were drinking buddies but the neighbor has 2 kids and seems to be doing well now. I think like everyone else - he just felt sorry for him because he had no place else to go. He will not try to stay in my driveway - I will call the police! I left a blanket and some water as well as the same list of area resources for him yesterday when he charged his phone on my outside outlet. In the few brief phone calls I've had with him - I am getting the impression alcohol is less of an issue - appears he's on drugs now as well.

ErinGoBragh

I'm really sorry you have to witness the deterioration of your ex. I found that I had to break off all contact with my husband the final year of his life. It took too much of an emotional toll on me to watch him drink himself to an early death. After he was found dead out of state, I had the legal right to enter his apartment because I was the executor of his estate.

What I saw made me physically ill. I got a first-hand look at how my husband spent the final nine weeks of his life. It was horrific. And it verified I was right to walk away.

Bekindalways

Heyou it sounds like you are handling this as well as can be expected. It is the worst to watch these once decent people implode. I always like the idea that this is a disease of choice as it has elements of both.

Please please take care of yourself in this situation and let us know how you get on.

Seren

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate addiction? No?

*sigh* I think you are handling the situation as well as can be expected under the circumstances. You and your ex will be in my prayers.

heyou

THank you all for the support!! I spoke with his parents last night and while they did ask him to leave because of the continued drinking and other drugs - they are still in contact with him and are still offering to help when he is ready to get clean. They've made repeated attempts to get him back to rehab and he is not interested at all. His father even drove him 2 hours away and was going to pay for rehab and he refused to get out of the vehicle when they got there. Unfortunately he does tend to get violent when drunk - cussing yelling and threatening - so no one in his family is willing to let them stay with them. So hopefully he will eventually decide to either go to a shelter or rehab but it's going to have to be his choice. If he's telling me the truth - he is almost out of money and while his parents and I have given him food and water - no one will give him cash. I'll put gas in his truck but absolutely no cash. So I do feel better than he does still have a support system the next steps will have to be his.....such a sad sad waste of a life.

sage1969

Yes, when it comes down to it, it will have to be his choice.

trailmix

Yes, it is sad and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Have you thought of giving him a copy of the AA big book? I'm guessing living in a truck is pretty boring. With hours to fill, who knows, maybe he will take a look and something will click. AA is free, he can go to a meeting any day.

Of course it is still all up to him.

RunningScared

My sister told be a phrase a few days ago that I really like. "Not my circus, not my monkey".

Bekindalways

Heyou, it does sound like he sincerely wants to keep drinking.

Sadly many people choose to keep drinking. As you know we all have free will and can live our lives however we want.

From what you say, you and his friends and family are very clear on what they will and won't do for him. This is actually hugely in his favor but still may not make any difference.

Keep taking care of yourself!