Let go or keep trying?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2022
Posts: 2
Let go or keep trying?
Hi,
I'm new here, but I have been struggling with my boyfriend who is an alcoholic for the past 5 years.
Some background info is that he is divorced and has 2 kids he has not seen in almost 7 years because of his addiction. When we started dating I had no idea about his alcoholism. He was very good at hiding it from me. I have 2 kids from my previous marriage as well, and due to his criminal history (non-related to his alcoholism) from over 13 years ago, he has a no-contact order with my kids. At some point once I had known him for longer and our relationship got more serious we had planned to go back to court to try to get the no-contact order lifted. Since then though I have found out about his drinking, that he was in rehab twice before we met, and he has been another 3 times since then. It has been a long road and very difficult for me. I have never had to deal with any sort of addiction like this in the past. We do not live together because of the no-contact and that has been a huge issue for him. I have told him repeatedly that going to court to lift the no-contact is not an option while he is still actively drinking. That I need to see some real change before we take a step like that. He has cheated on me multiple times blaming the drinking, he goes off on me yelling and calling me names, and gets so intoxicated he can't walk or do anything and I've had to take him to the hospital more times than I can count. I don't think he is any sort of threat to my kids but I have told him that is not something I'm going to expose my children to. He keeps telling me if he could just move in with me he would stop drinking. Basically saying that it's my fault he drinks because he is lonely. He often doesn't want to see me or talk to me sometimes though because he is drinking. I just don't believe that if he were to live with me he would just magically stop. I feel like if we did live together he would drink behind my back like he is doing now or he would be obvious about it but we would be in a living situation that would be difficult to get out of at that point. I also have an issue with the fact he wants to be a part of mine & my kid's lives but only talks about seeing his kids again, but doesn't do anything to make that happen. It makes me feel like he is being a hypocrite for all the things he says I need to do for our relationship when he hasn't stopped drinking and done what he was supposed to do. He also recently started a new job that has been stressful for him and that has been an issue as well. Last night he texted me and said he didn't want to talk to me anymore (I think he was drunk) and he has done this many times and then calls me a couple of days later and now I'm trying to figure out should I continue to try to get him help and work on our relationship or take this opportunity to just walk away and let him deal with his own problems?
I'm new here, but I have been struggling with my boyfriend who is an alcoholic for the past 5 years.
Some background info is that he is divorced and has 2 kids he has not seen in almost 7 years because of his addiction. When we started dating I had no idea about his alcoholism. He was very good at hiding it from me. I have 2 kids from my previous marriage as well, and due to his criminal history (non-related to his alcoholism) from over 13 years ago, he has a no-contact order with my kids. At some point once I had known him for longer and our relationship got more serious we had planned to go back to court to try to get the no-contact order lifted. Since then though I have found out about his drinking, that he was in rehab twice before we met, and he has been another 3 times since then. It has been a long road and very difficult for me. I have never had to deal with any sort of addiction like this in the past. We do not live together because of the no-contact and that has been a huge issue for him. I have told him repeatedly that going to court to lift the no-contact is not an option while he is still actively drinking. That I need to see some real change before we take a step like that. He has cheated on me multiple times blaming the drinking, he goes off on me yelling and calling me names, and gets so intoxicated he can't walk or do anything and I've had to take him to the hospital more times than I can count. I don't think he is any sort of threat to my kids but I have told him that is not something I'm going to expose my children to. He keeps telling me if he could just move in with me he would stop drinking. Basically saying that it's my fault he drinks because he is lonely. He often doesn't want to see me or talk to me sometimes though because he is drinking. I just don't believe that if he were to live with me he would just magically stop. I feel like if we did live together he would drink behind my back like he is doing now or he would be obvious about it but we would be in a living situation that would be difficult to get out of at that point. I also have an issue with the fact he wants to be a part of mine & my kid's lives but only talks about seeing his kids again, but doesn't do anything to make that happen. It makes me feel like he is being a hypocrite for all the things he says I need to do for our relationship when he hasn't stopped drinking and done what he was supposed to do. He also recently started a new job that has been stressful for him and that has been an issue as well. Last night he texted me and said he didn't want to talk to me anymore (I think he was drunk) and he has done this many times and then calls me a couple of days later and now I'm trying to figure out should I continue to try to get him help and work on our relationship or take this opportunity to just walk away and let him deal with his own problems?
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I'm sorry for what brings you to this forum, but I hope you will find support here. Your story is similar to many others I've seen here (and parts of your story I have experienced myself).
Even if he weren't an alcoholic, the red flag I see with your qualifier is his criminal history and the no contact orders. For the simple reason that you have children, I'd say RUN. Far and fast. Your priority is the safety of your children and yourself. Use this time as the gift it is, to let go of an unsafe and volatile situation and find a healthier, safer path for you and your children.
The added complication of alcoholism and what living with alcoholism would do to your children, and what it has already done to you, is just not worth it. Use this opportunity to walk away, heal, and live a healthy life with your children.
Even if he weren't an alcoholic, the red flag I see with your qualifier is his criminal history and the no contact orders. For the simple reason that you have children, I'd say RUN. Far and fast. Your priority is the safety of your children and yourself. Use this time as the gift it is, to let go of an unsafe and volatile situation and find a healthier, safer path for you and your children.
The added complication of alcoholism and what living with alcoholism would do to your children, and what it has already done to you, is just not worth it. Use this opportunity to walk away, heal, and live a healthy life with your children.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Yep, I agree with Sage. You cannot "get him help." He has to do that himself and it doesn't sound like he wants it anyway. He has already been to rehab five times. He has cheated on you multiple times. He is at the very least verbally abusive toward you. He is bad news.
He has unintentionally handed you a gift by saying he doesn't want to talk to you anymore. Accept that gift, block him from your phone, email, social media, or any other means of communication. This guy is not any kind of relationship material. Take care of yourself and your children.
He has unintentionally handed you a gift by saying he doesn't want to talk to you anymore. Accept that gift, block him from your phone, email, social media, or any other means of communication. This guy is not any kind of relationship material. Take care of yourself and your children.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sammy......I am not a betting person, but, if I was, I would bet every thing that I own that, If you were to move in with him----as bad as the relationship is, right now----it would become many times worse!
From what you have shared, he is not even close to becoming a sober person who leads a sober life. Even if he was---it would take years f work.
You have suffered enough for this relationship.
As a "gift" to yourself---I suggest that you, right away, read the most recommended book on this forum---"Co-dependent No More". I think that so much of it is going to resonate with you.
Sammy----I think that just by the fact that you have asked this question of "should I stay or leave this relationship"----you know, somewhere down deep in your heart/gut that you would be better off by leaving.
From what you have shared, he is not even close to becoming a sober person who leads a sober life. Even if he was---it would take years f work.
You have suffered enough for this relationship.
As a "gift" to yourself---I suggest that you, right away, read the most recommended book on this forum---"Co-dependent No More". I think that so much of it is going to resonate with you.
Sammy----I think that just by the fact that you have asked this question of "should I stay or leave this relationship"----you know, somewhere down deep in your heart/gut that you would be better off by leaving.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by Sammy86 
I just don't believe that if he were to live with me he would just magically stop. I feel like if we did live together he would drink behind my back like he is doing now or he would be obvious about it but we would be in a living situation that would be difficult to get out of at that point. I also have an issue with the fact he wants to be a part of mine & my kid's lives but only talks about seeing his kids again, but doesn't do anything to make that happen. It makes me feel like he is being a hypocrite for all the things he says I need to do for our relationship when he hasn't stopped drinking and done what he was supposed to do. He also recently started a new job that has been stressful for him and that has been an issue as well. Last night he texted me and said he didn't want to talk to me anymore (I think he was drunk) and he has done this many times and then calls me a couple of days later and now I'm trying to figure out should I continue to try to get him help and work on our relationship or take this opportunity to just walk away and let him deal with his own problems?
You can't help him, this is far beyond anything you can do. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
What kind of order does he have where he isn't allowed to be around children?
Regardless, as others have said, run away from this as fast as you can. I completely understand what he is getting from you (kindness, compassion, companionship), what I don't see is anything you are getting out of this except a lot of stress and hurt.
No one should treat someone the way he has treated you. You do actually deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. You will never, ever, get that from him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
It will escalate and get far worse if he moves in with you.
Please don’t do that to your kids or yourself.
I agree with other posters that him saying he doesn’t want to talk to you is a gift. Block him, but I also bet he’ll come around to try and get back in the door once you do it—you are a resource to him for compassion, hospital runs, etc. and I see what others see—you don’t seem to get much if anything of benefit from him.
You, and especially your kids who have no choice and rely on you to keep them protected, all deserve far better.
Please don’t do that to your kids or yourself.
I agree with other posters that him saying he doesn’t want to talk to you is a gift. Block him, but I also bet he’ll come around to try and get back in the door once you do it—you are a resource to him for compassion, hospital runs, etc. and I see what others see—you don’t seem to get much if anything of benefit from him.
You, and especially your kids who have no choice and rely on you to keep them protected, all deserve far better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 26
Hi Sammy - Sorry for the challenging place you find yourself in. I will echo everyone else - this is your window to walk away and focus on yourself and your children.
Within the last 6 months, I began my journey of living alone and no longer with my AH, and physically removing myself from the mood swings and stress that comes with a living with an addict impacted me positively in many ways. I was having a lot of physical symptoms of stress and anxiety when we lived together (in addition to the mental and emotional challenges), and once I moved into an apartment by myself -- which felt intimidating and so different than what I thought my life would look like -- my own health and peace improved notably.
So if I put myself in your shoes (currently living solo with your kids) and you add the chaos that comes with an addict, whatever stress you're feeling now will amplify in all types of ways.
Take care of yourself and those kiddos!
Within the last 6 months, I began my journey of living alone and no longer with my AH, and physically removing myself from the mood swings and stress that comes with a living with an addict impacted me positively in many ways. I was having a lot of physical symptoms of stress and anxiety when we lived together (in addition to the mental and emotional challenges), and once I moved into an apartment by myself -- which felt intimidating and so different than what I thought my life would look like -- my own health and peace improved notably.
So if I put myself in your shoes (currently living solo with your kids) and you add the chaos that comes with an addict, whatever stress you're feeling now will amplify in all types of ways.
Take care of yourself and those kiddos!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2022
Posts: 2
Thank you everyone for all of the responses. I think I know deep down you are all right and I need to distance myself from this situation if he is not going to do the work to stop drinking. It's just really hard after all these years, and on top of the pain of any normal breakup, I worry about his drinking and his physical and mental health. Over the years there have been times when he has told me he is going to drink himself to death and just texted me a while ago that I should remember I wasn't there for him in the way he needed when one of his brothers calls to tell me about his funeral. He also told me he is moving on and that he has plans with other women all weekend. I know this shouldn't bother me because if that's really what he's doing then he probably never loved me to begin with. I know this will just take time, and time heals all wounds.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Someone who loves you wouldn't say those things to you. Someone who loves you wouldn't tell you he was going to be with other women. If he said he didn't want to talk to you anymore, why is he calling? He is trying to manipulate you. Don't fall for it. You cannot help him. If he wants to drink himself to death, he'll do it whether you are there or not. Has you being there stopped him from drinking in the past? Obviously not.
Your focus should be on your children, not this guy.
Your focus should be on your children, not this guy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Wow what a loser. Dump him, and block him. It does sound like you are a bit codependent with all the worry about someone who has treated you so badly, so the book would be a good read. And also please get checked for STD's, as his cheating might have put you at risk. That would end things for me right there. But seriously, it is a typical addict behavior to play off your concern and move in, and further entangle you. Glad you resisted it.
I'm really sorry you are in this situation but you do have the opportunity now to get out.
I'm really sorry you are in this situation but you do have the opportunity now to get out.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Eventually, once the FOG starts to lift (fear, obligation, guilt) you will start to see what he has really been doing, like the manipulation, very clearly. I know you already see some of it but things will start to come back to you and you will go. oh yeah, that's was BS!
Everything you have said about what he has told you (being lonely because of you, drinking because of you, you not supporting him) is just manipulation.
Eventually, I hope, you will start to get angry. Not that you want to stay angry for any length of time of course, but that anger can help propel you forward and away from this.
He doesn't know what love is, no way, that's far out of his realm, not in his world. His world is drugs and himself, in that order. Everything (and everybody) comes way after that. This isn't personal to you.
Everything you have said about what he has told you (being lonely because of you, drinking because of you, you not supporting him) is just manipulation.
Eventually, I hope, you will start to get angry. Not that you want to stay angry for any length of time of course, but that anger can help propel you forward and away from this.
He doesn't know what love is, no way, that's far out of his realm, not in his world. His world is drugs and himself, in that order. Everything (and everybody) comes way after that. This isn't personal to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 127
Hey. These men break your heart don't they. You end up thinking if only this and I wish that. But then over time you start to see that they can't and won't change. But I'll tell you something based on the last 18 months of my life. Even if they get sober they don't become nice people.
I met my recent ex in 2020. He was just a month sober. Then we got chatting properly when he was 3 months sober. He started being up and down within our friendship. Snappy. Then he said he was falling in love. Then he'd be acting off. Then he'd be allover me. He had an ex hanging around. He was abit suspect online with women too. We wanted to start a relationship and then out of the blue he cut me off over me questioning him on a woman he was allover on Facebook. He went off for the summer. Came back. Had some new woman allover his page again..I eventually contacted her. She confirmed they'd met on a dating app and met a couple of times at his. She was an hour away and he wasn't interested in continuing it so it stopped. He came back to me and wriggled his way back in. He still had his ex clinging.
We had a years relationship that ended a month ago. In that time. He was forever borrowing money. Every month we'd go through a rough patch usually because I said something that he didn't like. Usually it was really simple like shall I come down tomorrow as you seem tired today. Or he'd be rubbing his ex in my face and when I'd ask if there was unresolved emotions he would get defensive. I was kicked out. Put down. Blamed for everything.
I'll be honest with you I was blind. I loved him and wanted to fix him. I wanted to help him become happy. I was making excuses for him. Oh its his tablets. It's his bad back. It's his worries about his house. It's his depression. Eventually I had to say to myself it still doesn't give him the right to steal my happiness. To make me feel stressed on egg shells. To make me cry. To bully me. To not appreciate me.
It's the hardest thing. Like you I didn't realise. I didn't know stuff. I didn't understand alcoholics. I didn't know how bad they were even when sober. They are broken and they need so much therapy and support. They simply can't do relationships.
my now ex got into bad habits with his ex in terms of messaging women. He ended up sleeping with another woman and faking love and a new life for this woman whilst still trying to win back the ex and still living with her. He plays cruel games. With me he had me triangulated in with the ex. But I worked out once there were 22 other women he had told me about in our relationship that indicated games or flirting or getting attention.
I'm sorry I've waffled my story abit. But I just wanted to help you see that even with the drink they are not equiped to be good partners unless they are seriously sorting out there issues. It takes alot.
You don't deserve to be stuck and trapped. You love him but what do you want?
I wanted a long term relationship with a coming together of the homes and a little unit. That was never going to easily happen. But even if we did live together his irresponsibility with money etc wouldn't set up a secure future for me and my kids. We would suffer and go without.
I wish You the best. But I feel you need to have a serious think
I met my recent ex in 2020. He was just a month sober. Then we got chatting properly when he was 3 months sober. He started being up and down within our friendship. Snappy. Then he said he was falling in love. Then he'd be acting off. Then he'd be allover me. He had an ex hanging around. He was abit suspect online with women too. We wanted to start a relationship and then out of the blue he cut me off over me questioning him on a woman he was allover on Facebook. He went off for the summer. Came back. Had some new woman allover his page again..I eventually contacted her. She confirmed they'd met on a dating app and met a couple of times at his. She was an hour away and he wasn't interested in continuing it so it stopped. He came back to me and wriggled his way back in. He still had his ex clinging.
We had a years relationship that ended a month ago. In that time. He was forever borrowing money. Every month we'd go through a rough patch usually because I said something that he didn't like. Usually it was really simple like shall I come down tomorrow as you seem tired today. Or he'd be rubbing his ex in my face and when I'd ask if there was unresolved emotions he would get defensive. I was kicked out. Put down. Blamed for everything.
I'll be honest with you I was blind. I loved him and wanted to fix him. I wanted to help him become happy. I was making excuses for him. Oh its his tablets. It's his bad back. It's his worries about his house. It's his depression. Eventually I had to say to myself it still doesn't give him the right to steal my happiness. To make me feel stressed on egg shells. To make me cry. To bully me. To not appreciate me.
It's the hardest thing. Like you I didn't realise. I didn't know stuff. I didn't understand alcoholics. I didn't know how bad they were even when sober. They are broken and they need so much therapy and support. They simply can't do relationships.
my now ex got into bad habits with his ex in terms of messaging women. He ended up sleeping with another woman and faking love and a new life for this woman whilst still trying to win back the ex and still living with her. He plays cruel games. With me he had me triangulated in with the ex. But I worked out once there were 22 other women he had told me about in our relationship that indicated games or flirting or getting attention.
I'm sorry I've waffled my story abit. But I just wanted to help you see that even with the drink they are not equiped to be good partners unless they are seriously sorting out there issues. It takes alot.
You don't deserve to be stuck and trapped. You love him but what do you want?
I wanted a long term relationship with a coming together of the homes and a little unit. That was never going to easily happen. But even if we did live together his irresponsibility with money etc wouldn't set up a secure future for me and my kids. We would suffer and go without.
I wish You the best. But I feel you need to have a serious think
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