User503

I’m reaching out bc I’m just lost and I don’t know how to move forward. I just don’t understand why he did what he did.

I met my friend back in 2017. We became close friends and I learned about him being a drug addict and an alcoholic. He got away from the drugs mostly but then used alcohol as his crutch. He had a very toxic relationship with his mother - they lived together and she always dragged him down and got him back on drugs so he’d never leave her as she needed him to survive financially. Slowly our friendship faded as his mother never liked me and he did anything to make his mother happy.

Fast forward to 2020 when his mom dies. This guy has no job, broke, and no family/friends for support. I feel sorry for him and let him move in with me and our friendship grows again. He got off of drugs and just continued to be a heavy drinker always being drunk. I knew I couldn’t force him to get help - it had to be his choice. So I showed him what life could be like. He lived in a home where he knew he had a bed to sleep in and food to eat on a daily basis (something he didn’t have before with his mother). I got him state insurance and got him to the dentist where he was able to get his teeth fixed and get a surgery done that he needed for 10+ years but never could bc he always had to work to support his mother and their addiction. I helped him get a job that he was able to be successful in for over a year before he got let go (he went to work drunk so it’s a miracle that he lasted that long tbh). When he lost it I let him struggle and realize it was his drinking that was the issue. At this point he reached out to the county for help but they decided to put him in an intensive outpatient program as they didn’t think he was committed. He attended IOP but still drank as he could. He was able to find another job and during this time I took in another roommate to help me financially (hello student loans).

Turns out he and this girl had a connection and they ran away when I evicted the girl due to nonpayment. Neither had money or good financial/rental history so they ended up living in a motel room together. He flat out ghosted me once he left without an explanation. It hurt me so bad that he was so willing to just leave our friendship of 5+ years for a girl he’d only known for about a month.

I searched for answers and tried contacting him, but no luck. Two months later as I was moving on he called me crying and begging me to let him come back as girl stole all his money and left him abandoned in the motel room. She got sick of his drinking and gave him an ultimatum and because he didn’t stop drinking she left. Due to the “traumatic events” he went to work too drunk and lost his job. Knowing he had nobody and missing my friend I took him back in. We spent some time talking about what had happened with said girl and how it had hurt me and why he had ghosted me. Over the course of our friendship I developed feelings for him but never acted on them as I knew he needed to get better first. We talked about this and he mentioned that he never felt like we could be anything at the time because he felt like he owed me so much for saving his life multiple times and that he wanted to be on even playing fields - him not drinking and able to be independent on his own - something he’d never done before. He went to IOP and told the complete truth and they finally approved him for rehab - this would be his first time ever going. Because he had nothing and because I was so proud of him for taking this step, I purchased cigarettes/clothes/shoes/food for him as he had used up the last of his money on alcohol. I took him to the ER so he could detox and then took him to rehab (which was 1.5 hours away). Made a second trip to drop off more cigs for him and mailed a care package each week for him. When he got out of rehab I picked him up, paid for his cell phone bill so he could get started with his life sober, and dropped him off at a sober living home where he’s set to live for the next 6 months so he can find a job, save money, get his license back, and eventually get a car.

After dropping him off we texted and everything was good. He didn’t take his tablet with him because he was worried others might steal it. After moving in and finding out he’d have a lock on his door he asked me if I could grab his tablet and drop it off for him. I went to grab his tablet but heard the pop from Facebook messenger and saw that said girl had messaged him back. It’s locked so I could only see her replies but she hearted his message saying that she was beautiful, replied back saying what she was wearing, and then replied back saying that she loved him with some heart emojis and a picture.

I was furious and hurt all over. I felt totally used and played. I took a pic of the messages and sent it to him and asked him to explain himself. He called to say that he was talking to her while in rehab because he wanted closure. Said he asked her what she was wearing because she’s living with three 15 year old boys and was concerned about what she was wearing around teenage boys. And he has no idea why she said she loved him but that the word is overused and overrated so I shouldn’t be worried as he’s not involved with her. I didn’t believe him because he’s lied so much in the past when it comes to her. We texted back and forth for a day or two - I just wanted him to acknowledge and understand how he’d hurt me and why I was angry but he always turned the conversation back to himself and why I shouldn’t be angry. Eventually he said he was sick of arguing/me not believing him and that this was causing him to stress out to where he wanted to drink. It sounded like he was giving up and that upset me even more and I asked how he fought to reach out to girl who used and abandoned him to make things right with her (she had blocked him) but I get mad and he’s willing to just let our friendship go because we couldn’t resolve issue of said girl. I told him he could choose either her or me because I couldn’t live a life with her in his life because of all the hurt and mistrust that had happened in the past and didn’t deserve it in the future. He said he chose himself. He asked me when I was going to drop off his tablet and I replied back I wasn’t and that I was done doing things for him and that he would have to find a way to stop by and get it himself. After that he stopped communicating with me and until one day when he called me to say that he’d be by to pick up his things. I asked him when as I just got off of working third shift and wanted to go to bed. He said he’d text me before he came and then we talked a bit and I asked if he hated me and if he was telling everyone that I was causing so much stress in his life that he wanted to drink. He said no and that I wasn’t the problem his addiction was.

An hour later he shows up unannounced with a peace officer to get his things and refuses to talk to me. He told the officer he wanted no contact with me and she gave me a no contact order.

Granted I know I was furious and might not have acted the best when I found out about said girl, but I don’t regret standing up for myself. I just don’t understand why he’d request a no contact. He has absolutely nobody in his life - I was his only support. When he gets out of sober living he probably won’t find a place to live due to his previous evictions, many small claims, and terrible credit score. It was discussed but left open that he’d move back with me after sober living as it’s been the most normal life and only “home” he’s really had - he never lived anywhere long previously with his mom due to money issues.

I’m torn on just moving on or waiting to see if he’ll reach out to me. I’ve never known him sober and I’m really curious as to how he’s going to be (he’s scared/nervous himself as he’s admitted that he probably hasn’t been sober since he was about 13 years old so he doesn’t know who he’ll be either). I want to hear how he’s going with life and making out now that he’s sober and I want to be there for him as support because I know he has nobody - well maybe girl. I don’t do drugs and rarely drink myself so that’s not an issue - girl does drugs herself. So after all this backstory my question is why did he do the no contact and do you think he’ll reach out to me in the future? I think he will, but I don’t understand how he’d think we could be friends after he put a no contact on me and basically ghosted me a second time. I want to move on but I’m struggling with feeling used and just wanting some type of closure.

PeacefulWater12

Welcome, User503, glad for found us.

You ask if he will reach out to you again in the future. Is likely when he wants something.

I encourage you to think about you and what you want. Focus on yourself and your life. How would you like it to be? Do you want all this type of thing again? Do you want all this emotional turmoil?

trailmix

Hi U503, glad you found the forum.

Do you want closure or do you want him to move back in with you and maybe have a romantic relationship? You're really saying two different things. That's not unusual, I can see it would be very confusing, it's a conflict.

So far he has shown you that he's an addict, he lies, he has no regard for your feelings, that he will take advantage of you. The moment - the absolute moment - you stood up for yourself by basically saying "no" I'm not doing anything for you anymore, he gets a peace officer to come to your house and give you a no contact order and he won't speak to you.

He will contact you if he needs something (money, somewhere to stay), trying saying no and see what happens.

Why would you want someone like that in your life? Are you actually helping him or are you just enabling him while he flits from this to that.

That woman is not out of the picture, he's a liar.

You deserve far far better treatment than this. Respect, kindness - he is in no way any kind of relationship material. Wasn't before, isn't now.

Real recovery takes time and lots of it. Many have said it takes about a year before they start to feel anywhere "normal". Remember, he has been an addict for a long time, this has helped to shape his personality and who he is. He has problems, he needs to address that and he needs to do that on his own.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

Sasha4

Walk away you deserve better.

If this was your sister, friend, aunt, colleague telling you this exact story what would you advise them to do?

velma929

Wow. A lot to unpack. The adult woman living with three 15-year-olds caught my eye. Maybe she imagines herself a Wendy to their Peter Pans. She may still feel that role will suit her with your ex-associate. ('friend' would not be how I characterize him)

Agree with the rest, he's a user. As far as his support and stuff, he's got the other men in the sober living house, yes? And support from other addicts may be useful. I'm on the fence as to how useful. I guess there's the element of 'been there, done that.' If one wanted to stay faithful to one's partner, do you get advice from someone who cheated, or someone who hasn't? Maybe both.

As for no contact, meh, maybe he's got it in his head that he doesn't want to add the task of re-establishing a relationship with you added to his to-do list. Maybe he's ashamed and wants to leave the past behind. I had a bf that treated me poorly. Come to find out decades later, he also did the same to his male buddies. He did actually move a thousand miles away to reboot his life. To read his obituary, it didn't sound terribly fulfilling, but it was his life to live.

As someone who invested 25 years with an alcoholic who wasn't anywhere NEAR this dysfunctional, I would say the band-aid's been ripped off, leave the wound in the air to heal, and move on. It's mighty uncomfortable at first, but a lot of things heal more quickly in sunlight and fresh air.

spiderqueen

Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you posted.

You are struggling with feeling used because you were used. He turned the conversation back to himself because that's the only person he cares about.

He doesn't/can't/won't acknowledge you, your sacrifices, your generosity, your feelings, the loving, stable home you provided for him. We acknowledge you, though! We understand and can relate! And so could lots of other people. These are the people to surround yourself with from now on. There are lots of places to apply all of your natural care-giving talents and instincts where they will be appreciated.

As for closure, I craved it too with my alcoholic ex boyfriend - some final, definitive something to make it all make sense, to validate my pain and disappointment, justify all my sacrifices, all the second chances I gave him. But in the end, I had to create my own closure. I learned that I could thank myself, forgive myself, acknowledge myself and take care of myself. And then I could finally move on.

dandylion

User......welcome to the forum!
I agree, that you got used, big time. I understand that it hurts to realize this---because I know that you were hoping for a very different outcome, with this boyfriend.
From what you have shared---this boyfriend has been a hard-core User from the very beginning of the relationship. Beginning on this path from age 13, it appears.
This type of guy---a User---will always have women who are eager to take him in as (the poor little bird with the broken wing).
He is not the poor soul with no friends in the word----he will always have a lot of women who are willing to sacrifice---for the privilege of taking him under their wing.
This group of women, like your self, will be filled with hope and desire---hope that he will turn himself completely around and become a devoted and attentive and loving partner for them. Like you, they will expect him to return their generosity in Kind.

These women have been led astray---because nobody has ever taught them a very important lesson in life-----
That :"lesson" is this------Whenever you give of yourself to others, there is no GURANTEE that it will be returned , to you , in kind.

To further what I am talking about, here----I highly suggest that you read the most frequently recommended book on this forum....."Co-dependent No More".....Immediately!...lol.
Really----do read it.
In this book---there is a very important principle explained, there. A lesson that soo many of us have had to learn by way of a broken heart.
It goes this way-----"If we endeavor to Rescue a \Victim by doing what they can and should be doing for themselves---we, eventually will become the "victim", ourselves.

User....if I may be so bold---I suggest that this is what has happened to you
You were the Rescuer (big time), and, as a result, you have become the victim.

I am sorry for what you are going through, because i know that it is very painfull
I think that you will only hear from him, again, if he is wanting to take from you. He has not shown you "love".
Love does not hurt this much and does not take from you.

You deserve much better than this.

I hope you will stay around this forum, and not just go away---because there is sooo much to learn, here.
Knowledge is power.

Refiner

“I’m torn on just moving on or waiting to see if he’ll reach out to me.”
sorry to be blunt but why in the Wild World of F would you ever give him yet another chance to use you? Addicts. Are. Users. Until they aren’t and this guy obviously has a long way to go, if EVER. Cut your losses and move on and try and figure out why you were investing so much into an addict. Perhaps it’s codependency that drove your situation. By giving so much to others who don’t reciprocate makes you feel better about yourself? Just let this be a life lesson and move on without his baggage.

User503

No I don't want him in my life anymore. I know in my mind and heart that it needs to be over. I just struggle with wanting to know he ends up. The hurt side of me wants him to fail so that way I'll feel a little better about everything that happened if that makes sense. I just don't know how I'd feel if he ends up being successful with this. Would he even regret what he did to me? Idk, I'm just struggling with how somebody can do that to someone who's only ever been there for them.

User503

Thank you for that, I'll definitely have to give it a read.

User503

How were you able to do that? I just don't know how I'd feel if he ends up being successful with this - I think that's what scares me the worst. Would he even regret what he did to me? Idk, I'm just struggling with how somebody can do that to someone who's only ever been there for them.

User503

I do want to move on - it's the closure part I'm struggling with. But also what you just said there, what happens if he does end up being successful and say 3-4 years later he does reach out to me and truly is sorry for what he did. I know it's a long shot he'll be successful and a long ways off, but I've always been the type of person who thinks so far ahead. Trying to process everything right now and that's something on my mind. Is that something I'd be able to forgive him for now that's he's in a normal state of mind.

trailmix

No one can answer that, you don't even know him sober, he could be completely different. Was he the "fun" guy, life of the party once he got drinking, did he like to stay up late and share all his stories and life experiences with you? Well in reality, he might be an introvert and his favourite thing will be woodworking. Life in active addiction and life outside that, are very different.

How can someone do that? Well he did. You are attempting to put on to him, how you would feel, how you may imagine a normal, compassionate person would feel - at the very least they would feel bad/sad. The guy who took off with the roommate, blocked you and then came crying when he needed something - that guy? I'm very sure he is not that self aware or aware of anyone else's feelings. His life is all about him, his drug of choice at the moment and himself. Addiction is very self centered - it has to be.

What is closure to you? Him apologizing? Explaining to you why he's such an ass? I doubt that will happen.

Forgiveness is over-rated. Forgive him for treating you so horribly as in say - ok, that was fine? How about just accepting that it happened? It did happen, it's history now, no one can change that.

Maybe (and this is just a maybe) he might apologize years from now if he gets sober and in to real recovery and is brave enough to apologize to those he has hurt (and face the shame).

Regardless, by then I hope you will have moved on to a much happier life. The way, the key to getting past this? It's not anything he will say or do, it's you taking care of yourself. You are worried about him, he's worried about him, who exactly is looking out for your best interests here?

Taking care of yourself means eating well, getting good sleep, going out for walks, to the movies, whatever your favourite things are, spending time with friends and family, taking a mini-vacation.

You can't fix him, you never could, he is who he is (right now today, not the "potential" he might have).

dandylion

User.....I take it that this happened just a short time ago? You are, for certain in a stage of grieving, right now. Grieving is a mixture of several painful emotions.
It is common as part of the grieving process to go through a period of rumination---mentally reviewing every aspect of the relationship and asking all kinds of questions, such as the ones you are asking, right now. So many of the answers to these kinds of questions are unanswerable or unknowable. It seems that the rumination continues----maybe several weeks to several months, depending. It fades away as one begins to "reframe" the whole relationship experience in a way, in the mind, that one is able to ACCEPT that it happened and is now a part of history. At that point, the mental agony/torture is no longer a part of your living.

The way you are feeling will not last forever. The best thing you can do for yourself, for right now, I think, is to try to stay in the present, as much as you can. Try to get through each day as well as you can and call each day a "victory" for yourself.

Above all---put a stop to Future Tripping. Remember that fears are not necessarily facts, anyway.

suki44883

What if, in 3-4 years, you have met someone with whom you are truly happy? What if you are married to someone who truly loves and appreciates you? What if you are happier than you have ever been in your life? What about that? Are you planning to put your life on hold and stand around waiting to see if he is successful in recovery and tries to contact you? Of course you aren't, at least, I certainly hope you aren't.

Unfortunately, what he has done is not uncommon. If you read around the forums here, you will see that it happens quite often. It's an awful thing to have happen to you, but you will survive. Whether or not he gets sober and tries to apologize is anyone's guess, but it rarely happens. So, grieve the loss of what you hoped for, but don't let it stop you from moving forward and finding your own happiness.

spiderqueen

Agree strongly with all the responses above! The way I reached my own closure was the following:

I had to let go of my ex's "potential" to be the perfect partner, lover, and mate and accept him for who he actually was: a very sick individual with a lifetime of bad habits who was a liability not an asset in my life.

I had to stop "future tripping" about him: what if he gets better and I've moved on, and that makes him sick again, or I miss out on the healthy him, or what if he hates me for letting him go, or what if he never realizes what he missed out on, etc etc.

How I got there was through one-on-one therapy, reading self help books (such as co-dependent no more), sticking close to this forum when I needed reminding, and also mindfulness exercises, which helped hugely with acceptance and kept me in the here and now.

It's simple, User503 - but definitely not EASY. Be kind to yourself and take good care.

thequest

Sorry to hear it's tough. I wouldn't beat yourself up. Alcoholics and addicts are not only abuse chemicals but people as well. They are or become excellent actors and manipulators.

All their efforts go towards that next high/buzz. To get that they abuse relationships to get what they want. Many become short/long term grifters. They spend so much time trying to fool people and/or asking them for favors they become good manipulators-they wind up knowing how and who to fool. I've seen it first hand with family and workplace. The exploit biases/denial of loved ones, friends, coworkers etc. They're almost predatory when looking for or maintaining relationship/mark that benefits them.

Look at this as a learning experience. Do as you have. Pass your experiences and lessons onto others.

Hang in there. Good Luck!

HardLessons

His future will undoubtedly be the same as his long term past