Feeling guilty about filing for divorce
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: New Jersey
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Feeling guilty about filing for divorce
Hi,
I'm new to this forum. I just paid a retainer to a divorce lawyer. Ive been married almost four years. My husband is currently in his fifth rehab since we have been married. I didn't realize he was an alcoholic until our honeymoon. I'm sure there were red flags prior but I overlooked them. I was 40 and he was 43. Both our first marriages. Short engagement and big fancy wedding. Everything was a lie from the beginning. I now realize he never loved me. He loved the idea of me. I have been the one with a steady job. I'm the one that pays the bills and cleans up his messes. I've withdrawn from family, friends and socializing. I'm finally seeing the light but I have tremendous guilt. Of course, he immediately checked into detox once he realized I contacted a lawyer. I know logically that it's just a ploy to get me to give him yet another chance. I know in my head that I need to get my life and sanity back. But I keep having bouts of sadness, guilt and severe anxiety. It will all be worth it. Right ? Sorry for the long novel. I'm just at my wits end and am so confused. Thanks for reading .
Jen in New Jersey
I'm new to this forum. I just paid a retainer to a divorce lawyer. Ive been married almost four years. My husband is currently in his fifth rehab since we have been married. I didn't realize he was an alcoholic until our honeymoon. I'm sure there were red flags prior but I overlooked them. I was 40 and he was 43. Both our first marriages. Short engagement and big fancy wedding. Everything was a lie from the beginning. I now realize he never loved me. He loved the idea of me. I have been the one with a steady job. I'm the one that pays the bills and cleans up his messes. I've withdrawn from family, friends and socializing. I'm finally seeing the light but I have tremendous guilt. Of course, he immediately checked into detox once he realized I contacted a lawyer. I know logically that it's just a ploy to get me to give him yet another chance. I know in my head that I need to get my life and sanity back. But I keep having bouts of sadness, guilt and severe anxiety. It will all be worth it. Right ? Sorry for the long novel. I'm just at my wits end and am so confused. Thanks for reading .
Jen in New Jersey
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Hi, Jen!
I’m so glad you found us and so sorry for the situation that brings you here.
His actions over the next weeks/months/years will tell you if he is ready to be sober. If you observe encouraging changes and sobriety, and you decide to stay in the relationship, you can push pause on the divorce process.
But, typically, past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior, and his past behavior has made you (understandably) upset enough to pursue divorce. At present, the most reasonable course of action is probably to continue walking in that direction. U-turns are legal later, if they are merited. 😉
It is so hard and so sad. He sounds very ill, and you cannot love him back to health.
Take care of yourself. 💕
-TC
I’m so glad you found us and so sorry for the situation that brings you here.
His actions over the next weeks/months/years will tell you if he is ready to be sober. If you observe encouraging changes and sobriety, and you decide to stay in the relationship, you can push pause on the divorce process.
But, typically, past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior, and his past behavior has made you (understandably) upset enough to pursue divorce. At present, the most reasonable course of action is probably to continue walking in that direction. U-turns are legal later, if they are merited. 😉
It is so hard and so sad. He sounds very ill, and you cannot love him back to health.
Take care of yourself. 💕
-TC
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Originally Posted by ToughChoices 
Hi, Jen!
I’m so glad you found us and so sorry for the situation that brings you here.
His actions over the next weeks/months/years will tell you if he is ready to be sober. If you observe encouraging changes and sobriety, and you decide to stay in the relationship, you can push pause on the divorce process.
But, typically, past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior, and his past behavior has made you (understandably) upset enough to pursue divorce. At present, the most reasonable course of action is probably to continue walking in that direction. U-turns are legal later, if they are merited. 😉
It is so hard and so sad. He sounds very ill, and you cannot love him back to health.
Take care of yourself. 💕
-TC
I’m so glad you found us and so sorry for the situation that brings you here.
His actions over the next weeks/months/years will tell you if he is ready to be sober. If you observe encouraging changes and sobriety, and you decide to stay in the relationship, you can push pause on the divorce process.
But, typically, past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior, and his past behavior has made you (understandably) upset enough to pursue divorce. At present, the most reasonable course of action is probably to continue walking in that direction. U-turns are legal later, if they are merited. 😉
It is so hard and so sad. He sounds very ill, and you cannot love him back to health.
Take care of yourself. 💕
-TC
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi Jen,
Sorry for what brings you here. Everyone that really goes into marriage, goes in with an open heart and dreams of being with that someone special for the rest of there life. Sometimes we are blinded by this love in front of us that we overlook the red flags that may seem little. The thing is, you didn't Cause this. You can't Control it and you can't Cure it. These are the three C's that you need to take to heart. After 4 bouts of rehab you do not need to feel guilty for what you are doing. You have to look after yourself and your happiness. Yes you are right when he checked into detox the second you contacted a lawyer. He is scared the dynamics is going to change. He has shown you that he cares more about drinking then his marriage. I know this is hard to believe with someone that has time and time again told you that they love you and that you are the only one.
What you have started takes lots of strength and will have your emotions going all over the place. You will second guess yourself. You will tell yourself, could I have done anything more. The answer is no. You told him how you felt about his drinking. He showed you what he felt about those words by constantly going back to his love of alcohol.
You have come to a great place to gain knowledge and help you not feel so confused. There are great people here that have loads of knowledge. Don't worry about how much you write. The more you write the better we can understand and help you. It also helps you. So keep being strong and keep coming back.
Sorry for what brings you here. Everyone that really goes into marriage, goes in with an open heart and dreams of being with that someone special for the rest of there life. Sometimes we are blinded by this love in front of us that we overlook the red flags that may seem little. The thing is, you didn't Cause this. You can't Control it and you can't Cure it. These are the three C's that you need to take to heart. After 4 bouts of rehab you do not need to feel guilty for what you are doing. You have to look after yourself and your happiness. Yes you are right when he checked into detox the second you contacted a lawyer. He is scared the dynamics is going to change. He has shown you that he cares more about drinking then his marriage. I know this is hard to believe with someone that has time and time again told you that they love you and that you are the only one.
What you have started takes lots of strength and will have your emotions going all over the place. You will second guess yourself. You will tell yourself, could I have done anything more. The answer is no. You told him how you felt about his drinking. He showed you what he felt about those words by constantly going back to his love of alcohol.
You have come to a great place to gain knowledge and help you not feel so confused. There are great people here that have loads of knowledge. Don't worry about how much you write. The more you write the better we can understand and help you. It also helps you. So keep being strong and keep coming back.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome, Jen, glad you found us.
Please you have nothing to feel guilty over. You have tolerated way more than a lot of people would. Sounds like your guilt has been caused by his manipulation.
Even him checking into detox at this stage is yet another manipulation as you mention. The whirlwind romance, everything moves so fast is huge red flag. You mention you think he liked the idea of what you could do for him, this is common with a lot of addicts/drinkers. They see people for what they can get from them.
You are doing the right thing to remove yourself and protect yourself from him.
Glad you are writing these things out, makes it far clearer for you to be able to see. When we are around drinkers, we end up so fogged and confused, we often cannot see reality.
Have a read around this forum, I am sure you will see a huge amount of you relate too.
Please you have nothing to feel guilty over. You have tolerated way more than a lot of people would. Sounds like your guilt has been caused by his manipulation.
Even him checking into detox at this stage is yet another manipulation as you mention. The whirlwind romance, everything moves so fast is huge red flag. You mention you think he liked the idea of what you could do for him, this is common with a lot of addicts/drinkers. They see people for what they can get from them.
You are doing the right thing to remove yourself and protect yourself from him.
Glad you are writing these things out, makes it far clearer for you to be able to see. When we are around drinkers, we end up so fogged and confused, we often cannot see reality.
Have a read around this forum, I am sure you will see a huge amount of you relate too.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Originally Posted by Jen07
I know in my head that I need to get my life and sanity back. But I keep having bouts of sadness, guilt and severe anxiety. It will all be worth it. Right ? Sorry for the long novel. I'm just at my wits end and am so confused. Thanks for reading .
He didn't mention he was an alcoholic before you married him. That's pretty underhanded.
Right now this separation is still pretty new, You will start to feel better, you will heal from it but it will take some time to clear the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).
I'm glad you are getting out now. Now you will be able to get your life back on track and get back to what makes you happy. Hope you will keep posting.
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Location: maine
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Jen, my late husband wasn't so far down the road of addiction when we married. I stayed - 25 years - hoping he would outgrow the need to anesthetize himself daily. It never happened. It was a long slow decline to the point where your soon-to-be-ex is now. During that time, our finances, families, and lives entwined more and more. His death made me sad because I loved him, but there was also a huge sense of relief.
I was a very, *very* young woman when I heard an older one say she loved her ex husband but she couldn't live with him. Having little life experience I thought her statement was hogwash. If love someone, you talk things through, you work things out, right? Not necessarily.
I was a very, *very* young woman when I heard an older one say she loved her ex husband but she couldn't live with him. Having little life experience I thought her statement was hogwash. If love someone, you talk things through, you work things out, right? Not necessarily.
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Join Date: Apr 2022
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Posts: 10
Thanks, everyone! I really appreciate your logical and supportive advice. I'm going to get myself to an Al Anon meeting. This forum was a huge first step and it has made me realize that I'm not alone. I'm just a textbook enabler wife to an alcoholic husband.
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Hi Jen! Guilt is, unfortunately, very common in these situations, even though it is completely unfounded. You're probably rehashing scenes from the past--both good and bad--and thinking he doesn't deserve to be "abandoned" because he is decent and loving (sometimes) and you may have had the audacity to yell at him or otherwise "behave badly" during some of your disagreements. You're probably thinking that you don't have a right to leave someone who is clearly sick. But remember, nothing you have done so far has made an ounce of difference in his drinking behavior. Not the yelling, the threats, nothing. He will continue to drink as long as that remains his top priority. Nothing you do will change that. And alcoholism is progressive. It will only get worse, believe me. Do you want to spend the second half of your life tending to the mental and physical needs of an alcoholic, paying the bills, shouldering all the responsibility, bearing the financial risks of being married to an addict, and having your soul crushed by unending anxiety and heartbreak? Probably not. You got married to have a loving partner in your life, not an overgrown child who has brought on his own problems. No one has the right to ruin another person's life. There are no moral bonds shackling you to someone who chose to destroy his own life and take you down with him.
I was married to an alcoholic for 35 years before I understood this. As I began the process of divorcing him, I too felt tremendous guilt to the point I saw a counselor. I needed someone to tell me I wasn't an unfeeling, unethical person. And she did. Boy did she! What also helped was creating a document listing the various traumas I had been subjected to because of his alcoholism (eg, his DUI, alcohol-created health issues, and job loss and my stress and humiliation). I returned to this list (8 pages, single spaced) over and over again as I went through the divorce process. It helped tremendously. It also allowed me to grieve without guilt when he died from liver failure two years later.
Please take care of yourself. Go to Al-Anon and see a counselor. Make a reminder list of why you need to take back your life. Best of luck to you.
I was married to an alcoholic for 35 years before I understood this. As I began the process of divorcing him, I too felt tremendous guilt to the point I saw a counselor. I needed someone to tell me I wasn't an unfeeling, unethical person. And she did. Boy did she! What also helped was creating a document listing the various traumas I had been subjected to because of his alcoholism (eg, his DUI, alcohol-created health issues, and job loss and my stress and humiliation). I returned to this list (8 pages, single spaced) over and over again as I went through the divorce process. It helped tremendously. It also allowed me to grieve without guilt when he died from liver failure two years later.
Please take care of yourself. Go to Al-Anon and see a counselor. Make a reminder list of why you need to take back your life. Best of luck to you.
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Join Date: Apr 2022
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Right there with you
Hi - I'm right there with you. Just started divorce process too. I also, was slow to realize he was an alcoholic - we had already been married for a long time, two teenage kids, etc. Even though I DEFINITELY want a divorce (his addiction led to more lies than can be counted including infidelity, hookers, you name it . . .) I still feel a need to save him and try to help him. Mostly it's because of our kids but somehow giving up is hard for some of us who are fighters and hard workers. . . .
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Originally Posted by Rachel1411
Hi Jen! Guilt is, unfortunately, very common in these situations, even though it is completely unfounded. You're probably rehashing scenes from the past--both good and bad--and thinking he doesn't deserve to be "abandoned" because he is decent and loving (sometimes) and you may have had the audacity to yell at him or otherwise "behave badly" during some of your disagreements. You're probably thinking that you don't have a right to leave someone who is clearly sick. But remember, nothing you have done so far has made an ounce of difference in his drinking behavior. Not the yelling, the threats, nothing. He will continue to drink as long as that remains his top priority. Nothing you do will change that. And alcoholism is progressive. It will only get worse, believe me. Do you want to spend the second half of your life tending to the mental and physical needs of an alcoholic, paying the bills, shouldering all the responsibility, bearing the financial risks of being married to an addict, and having your soul crushed by unending anxiety and heartbreak? Probably not. You got married to have a loving partner in your life, not an overgrown child who has brought on his own problems. No one has the right to ruin another person's life. There are no moral bonds shackling you to someone who chose to destroy his own life and take you down with him.
I was married to an alcoholic for 35 years before I understood this. As I began the process of divorcing him, I too felt tremendous guilt to the point I saw a counselor. I needed someone to tell me I wasn't an unfeeling, unethical person. And she did. Boy did she! What also helped was creating a document listing the various traumas I had been subjected to because of his alcoholism (eg, his DUI, alcohol-created health issues, and job loss and my stress and humiliation). I returned to this list (8 pages, single spaced) over and over again as I went through the divorce process. It helped tremendously. It also allowed me to grieve without guilt when he died from liver failure two years later.
Please take care of yourself. Go to Al-Anon and see a counselor. Make a reminder list of why you need to take back your life. Best of luck to you.
I was married to an alcoholic for 35 years before I understood this. As I began the process of divorcing him, I too felt tremendous guilt to the point I saw a counselor. I needed someone to tell me I wasn't an unfeeling, unethical person. And she did. Boy did she! What also helped was creating a document listing the various traumas I had been subjected to because of his alcoholism (eg, his DUI, alcohol-created health issues, and job loss and my stress and humiliation). I returned to this list (8 pages, single spaced) over and over again as I went through the divorce process. It helped tremendously. It also allowed me to grieve without guilt when he died from liver failure two years later.
Please take care of yourself. Go to Al-Anon and see a counselor. Make a reminder list of why you need to take back your life. Best of luck to you.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi Jen, yes, it will all be worth it. It's normal to have bouts of sadness, you have been in this tornado of alcoholism for years now. There are no number of years that will make it better or make the relationship better. As you read around the forum (which will also probably make you feel better about your decision by the way) you will read many stories of many who stayed even longer. It just doesn't make a difference.
He didn't mention he was an alcoholic before you married him. That's pretty underhanded.
Right now this separation is still pretty new, You will start to feel better, you will heal from it but it will take some time to clear the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).
I'm glad you are getting out now. Now you will be able to get your life back on track and get back to what makes you happy. Hope you will keep posting.
He didn't mention he was an alcoholic before you married him. That's pretty underhanded.
Right now this separation is still pretty new, You will start to feel better, you will heal from it but it will take some time to clear the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).
I'm glad you are getting out now. Now you will be able to get your life back on track and get back to what makes you happy. Hope you will keep posting.
Finally reaching out and admitting openly what I have been living has been so incredibly eye opening! Family, friends, neighbors and complete strangers have already been so supportive. Who knew there was such a bright light at the end of this dark and complicated tunnel!?
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