Am I wrong? Binge drinking gf
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 26
Am I wrong? Binge drinking gf
Hi everyone
I have been reading this forum to try to understand a little, and confirm if I have made the best decision
I apologize for my English since it is not my native language.
I'll tell you my story
My partner (40F) and I (47M) have been dating for a year
Then living together with the children we already had for almost a year,
then we have distanced ourselves for a year, during which we have understood that we loved each other deeply.
our relationship has always had little problems due to the issue of alcohol and maybe cocaine
I never get drunk, but she used to get a little drunk, every 2 or 3 weekends during the first year
I had never had experience with addictions either in my family or among my friends or partners.
The night I met her, she consumed cocaine with other friends in front of my face, (something that unfortunately in my country is quite normal)
It took me several months to understand that our only discussions were at night. When she was with 4 beers in her body.
she is sweet, attentive, kind.
but when she drinks more than 3 beers, there is no stop to her.
she changes, she becomes friendly with ANYONE, she wants to talk and hug unknown people, and at the same time, argue with me about trivial or meaningless things
She repeats the same question 3 times with 20 minutes of difference
She suddenly gave me a kiss, or started an argument for absurd reasons or worse, ...she brought the relationship problems that every couple has, to discuss them in this disjointed and sterile scenario.
I would ALWAYS end up getting angry, and she would then become loving and even hot.
Many times we have had sex without me necessarily wanting it, because of the situation
She is an incredibly attractive woman, and when she is drunk, she does not know how to stop the flirtations of other guys who are in the same pub or club.
This made me VERY nervous and she didn't understand why.
she really become more sociable WITH ANYONE when shes drunk, she had no desire to be unfaithful.
But her attitude bothered me a lot.
During the week she spends time with her friends and sometimes she ended up a little drunk with a lost look, red eyes and saying incoherent things with a silly smile on her face.
Whenever we were at some social event, she would get one more beer, one more wine, one more drink,
She never fell or vomited. She just lose her personality and she became someone unpredictable and aggressive with me.
When we started living together, I noticed that sometimes on weekdays, she came back from a meeting with her mother or her friends a little drunk, and she wanted to have one or two more at home.
Her son (12yO) told me that sometimes, before we were together, he has saw his mother come home at 4 in the morning walking without balance and talking nonsense,
on another occasion, we were all at home, she spoke to her son in a very bad way, a little drunk while we were playing PICTIONARY and he cried a lot. (possibly because he realized the cause of her unnecessary aggressiveness)
We had many conversations in which she sometimes seemed to understand the seriousness of the matter, and feel ashamed.
Finally our coexistence ended one horrible day in which the granma birthday was celebrated and she and her father were VERY DRUNK in our own house, in front of our children
I tried to cope with the situation, that the children would not notice what was happening
I asked her to stop drinking or I would leave immediately.
At the end of the dreadful afternoon, she went to sleep, and I made dinner for our children.
An hour later she entered the kitchen NAKED in front of her adolescent son, her 6-year-old daughter and my 15-year-old daughter, just to drink water and go back to sleep.
She didn't even know there were other people there seen the kitchen´s tv
The next morning, I packed up my things and my daughter and left the house we shared.
She was trying to apologize, by chat, but not giving any concrete promise to change
She told me that she would never drink in front of the children, that she would not drink during the week,
and 3 days later I saw her in a bar drinking beers with her friends, and her son was at the same table.
finally a month later, it seems that she understood the seriousness of the matter and apologized and promised to make it right forever.
Except for these problems, the two of us loved each other and loved spending every hour of the day together.
Things went more or less well for a few months.
The differences in how to educate our children made it impossible to continue with the relationship, (she does not want to educate her children, she does not want to do anything that requires effort, everything seems very difficult to her)
For a year we have been separated, but there was still a lot of love between us
She managed to find me on the street, and tell me that many things had changed in her life and that she would demostrate it to me
It is true that she started to excersise daily, she stopped drinking at all from Monday to Friday, and that she cutted from her circle a BAD influence that was one of her friends.
for two months, she has been doing everything very well, and drinking very little, in restaurants, parties or clubs.
We both had great times and returned home soon and happy many times
little by little she wanted to attend more and more social events with HER CIRCLE in which there are many who drink a lot and where cocaine is not a stranger
we are back to business as usual
if she drinks 3 she can't stop
she keeps asking for one more and one more (even though before leaving the house we have talked about it and she knows that this is the limit that turns her into another person)
She is accumulating resentment because I have a bad face as soon as I see that the situation will end as usual.
I am very unhappy every weekend, because I know that something like this would end up happening
during the week she doesn't drink anything and we are both very happy
We have understood that we love each other very much and that we are the best option for each other.
But Friday comes and nothing else matters.
any friend becomes more important than me, "the love of her life".
he treats me like his enemy, and it annoys her if, for example, I drink coke or water during a dinner with friends
She treats me like a “booze cop”,
“You are bored and bitter”
I have NEVER in my life had to count the beers that my partner or my friends or anyone else drank
I am a fun guy who went out to parties, concerts, etc hundreds of times without any problem, I have a great time and I go home perfectly.
The last discussion was because she started with some friends at 2 PM on Friday and when it was 6 PM she wanted to continue partying,
she was again a little drunk, not too much, but clearly she wasn't okay.
We went together to pick up her daughter at school, and in front of the parents of the other children at school, she ordered ANOTHER BEER at the corner bar and she got even worse
She spoke many absurd things in public
He argued with her daughter unnecessarily and the girl felt very hurt
during the night, I treated her with affection, the next day I spoke to her calmly and kindly about this
She seemed to understand, she felt sad for this and other previous occasions,
she said LITERALLY
"I do not know what is happening to me"
"sometimes i can't stop"
"I don't want to be like this"
"I should go to a psychologist!"
BUT a few hours later, she went back to her usual speech
"this is NOT so serious
I'm going to TRY to drink less
But I don't want you to make me promise anything
I don't want you to control me
I don't want you to count the glasses of beer I drink"
I asked her to establish a method, a formula, a trick, so that this never happens again.
She just says that she will control it
When I confront her by reading her chat messages with the exact same text as a year ago, 2 years ago, 3 years ago, she gets very nervous and says that I am making her feel very bad.
Somehow the discussion became
“You are boring, a controller, you want to manipulate me, take away my essence, you are jealous,”
finally we have been separated for more than a month
I am VERY sad, because this was the last chance and she knows it.
She's in the same bars with the same friends, drinking
On weekends at midnight she texts me, DRUNK PROBABLY, to tell me that she loves me, that she hates me, that I will never find someone who loves me like her,
But that she doesn't want me to control her
that she wants me to accept her, protect her
that she does not want to promise anything
that she knows that she is not going to change and that is why we are never going to be together
That I CANNOT control my nerves and I HAVE NOT CHANGED and that is how we will always argue
That she loves me even if "I am like this"
I really can't handle this situation anymore.
But sometimes I wonder if I'm being too harsh and if I've lost my partner because I wanted to change them in an aspect that "isn't that serious"
she doesn't drink in the week
but EVERY weekend she wants to be drunk for a few hours, and nobody bothers her
Not to make this post too long, I haven't counted SEVERAL other minor incidents where family and friends subtly tell you to be careful with alcohol.
She believes that nothing is wrong, that many people go out and lose their inhibitions and that there is nothing wrong with that.
And since I don't want that, then we can't continue together even though I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her.
I have been reading this forum to try to understand a little, and confirm if I have made the best decision
I apologize for my English since it is not my native language.
I'll tell you my story
My partner (40F) and I (47M) have been dating for a year
Then living together with the children we already had for almost a year,
then we have distanced ourselves for a year, during which we have understood that we loved each other deeply.
our relationship has always had little problems due to the issue of alcohol and maybe cocaine
I never get drunk, but she used to get a little drunk, every 2 or 3 weekends during the first year
I had never had experience with addictions either in my family or among my friends or partners.
The night I met her, she consumed cocaine with other friends in front of my face, (something that unfortunately in my country is quite normal)
It took me several months to understand that our only discussions were at night. When she was with 4 beers in her body.
she is sweet, attentive, kind.
but when she drinks more than 3 beers, there is no stop to her.
she changes, she becomes friendly with ANYONE, she wants to talk and hug unknown people, and at the same time, argue with me about trivial or meaningless things
She repeats the same question 3 times with 20 minutes of difference
She suddenly gave me a kiss, or started an argument for absurd reasons or worse, ...she brought the relationship problems that every couple has, to discuss them in this disjointed and sterile scenario.
I would ALWAYS end up getting angry, and she would then become loving and even hot.
Many times we have had sex without me necessarily wanting it, because of the situation
She is an incredibly attractive woman, and when she is drunk, she does not know how to stop the flirtations of other guys who are in the same pub or club.
This made me VERY nervous and she didn't understand why.
she really become more sociable WITH ANYONE when shes drunk, she had no desire to be unfaithful.
But her attitude bothered me a lot.
During the week she spends time with her friends and sometimes she ended up a little drunk with a lost look, red eyes and saying incoherent things with a silly smile on her face.
Whenever we were at some social event, she would get one more beer, one more wine, one more drink,
She never fell or vomited. She just lose her personality and she became someone unpredictable and aggressive with me.
When we started living together, I noticed that sometimes on weekdays, she came back from a meeting with her mother or her friends a little drunk, and she wanted to have one or two more at home.
Her son (12yO) told me that sometimes, before we were together, he has saw his mother come home at 4 in the morning walking without balance and talking nonsense,
on another occasion, we were all at home, she spoke to her son in a very bad way, a little drunk while we were playing PICTIONARY and he cried a lot. (possibly because he realized the cause of her unnecessary aggressiveness)
We had many conversations in which she sometimes seemed to understand the seriousness of the matter, and feel ashamed.
Finally our coexistence ended one horrible day in which the granma birthday was celebrated and she and her father were VERY DRUNK in our own house, in front of our children
I tried to cope with the situation, that the children would not notice what was happening
I asked her to stop drinking or I would leave immediately.
At the end of the dreadful afternoon, she went to sleep, and I made dinner for our children.
An hour later she entered the kitchen NAKED in front of her adolescent son, her 6-year-old daughter and my 15-year-old daughter, just to drink water and go back to sleep.
She didn't even know there were other people there seen the kitchen´s tv
The next morning, I packed up my things and my daughter and left the house we shared.
She was trying to apologize, by chat, but not giving any concrete promise to change
She told me that she would never drink in front of the children, that she would not drink during the week,
and 3 days later I saw her in a bar drinking beers with her friends, and her son was at the same table.
finally a month later, it seems that she understood the seriousness of the matter and apologized and promised to make it right forever.
Except for these problems, the two of us loved each other and loved spending every hour of the day together.
Things went more or less well for a few months.
The differences in how to educate our children made it impossible to continue with the relationship, (she does not want to educate her children, she does not want to do anything that requires effort, everything seems very difficult to her)
For a year we have been separated, but there was still a lot of love between us
She managed to find me on the street, and tell me that many things had changed in her life and that she would demostrate it to me
It is true that she started to excersise daily, she stopped drinking at all from Monday to Friday, and that she cutted from her circle a BAD influence that was one of her friends.
for two months, she has been doing everything very well, and drinking very little, in restaurants, parties or clubs.
We both had great times and returned home soon and happy many times
little by little she wanted to attend more and more social events with HER CIRCLE in which there are many who drink a lot and where cocaine is not a stranger
we are back to business as usual
if she drinks 3 she can't stop
she keeps asking for one more and one more (even though before leaving the house we have talked about it and she knows that this is the limit that turns her into another person)
She is accumulating resentment because I have a bad face as soon as I see that the situation will end as usual.
I am very unhappy every weekend, because I know that something like this would end up happening
during the week she doesn't drink anything and we are both very happy
We have understood that we love each other very much and that we are the best option for each other.
But Friday comes and nothing else matters.
any friend becomes more important than me, "the love of her life".
he treats me like his enemy, and it annoys her if, for example, I drink coke or water during a dinner with friends
She treats me like a “booze cop”,
“You are bored and bitter”
I have NEVER in my life had to count the beers that my partner or my friends or anyone else drank
I am a fun guy who went out to parties, concerts, etc hundreds of times without any problem, I have a great time and I go home perfectly.
The last discussion was because she started with some friends at 2 PM on Friday and when it was 6 PM she wanted to continue partying,
she was again a little drunk, not too much, but clearly she wasn't okay.
We went together to pick up her daughter at school, and in front of the parents of the other children at school, she ordered ANOTHER BEER at the corner bar and she got even worse
She spoke many absurd things in public
He argued with her daughter unnecessarily and the girl felt very hurt
during the night, I treated her with affection, the next day I spoke to her calmly and kindly about this
She seemed to understand, she felt sad for this and other previous occasions,
she said LITERALLY
"I do not know what is happening to me"
"sometimes i can't stop"
"I don't want to be like this"
"I should go to a psychologist!"
BUT a few hours later, she went back to her usual speech
"this is NOT so serious
I'm going to TRY to drink less
But I don't want you to make me promise anything
I don't want you to control me
I don't want you to count the glasses of beer I drink"
I asked her to establish a method, a formula, a trick, so that this never happens again.
She just says that she will control it
When I confront her by reading her chat messages with the exact same text as a year ago, 2 years ago, 3 years ago, she gets very nervous and says that I am making her feel very bad.
Somehow the discussion became
“You are boring, a controller, you want to manipulate me, take away my essence, you are jealous,”
finally we have been separated for more than a month
I am VERY sad, because this was the last chance and she knows it.
She's in the same bars with the same friends, drinking
On weekends at midnight she texts me, DRUNK PROBABLY, to tell me that she loves me, that she hates me, that I will never find someone who loves me like her,
But that she doesn't want me to control her
that she wants me to accept her, protect her
that she does not want to promise anything
that she knows that she is not going to change and that is why we are never going to be together
That I CANNOT control my nerves and I HAVE NOT CHANGED and that is how we will always argue
That she loves me even if "I am like this"
I really can't handle this situation anymore.
But sometimes I wonder if I'm being too harsh and if I've lost my partner because I wanted to change them in an aspect that "isn't that serious"
she doesn't drink in the week
but EVERY weekend she wants to be drunk for a few hours, and nobody bothers her
Not to make this post too long, I haven't counted SEVERAL other minor incidents where family and friends subtly tell you to be careful with alcohol.
She believes that nothing is wrong, that many people go out and lose their inhibitions and that there is nothing wrong with that.
And since I don't want that, then we can't continue together even though I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Hi SadPArtner, well, your partner obviously has a serious issue with alcohol (and perhaps cocaine).
The only question is, is this right for you and your child? Is this the relationship you want, is this something you want to be part of your Daughter's life?
Your SO can talk about quitting, but alcoholics do this all the time. Some can drink moderately, control it, for a short time, but that doesn't last.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Love is not enough to "cure" her alcoholism.
If you go on like this you will eventually become the "enemy" anyway. The enemy is anyone who tries to get between the addict and their drug, in this case alcohol. She is already showing you that by saying to you: “You are boring, a controller, you want to manipulate me, take away my essence, you are jealous,”
You can't change her so really, your choice is to accept her just the way she is (alcohol and cocaine) or end the relationship. Which is better for you and your Daughter? Being around an alcoholic can be damaging to children, as I am sure you are aware, so that's a big consideration.
The only question is, is this right for you and your child? Is this the relationship you want, is this something you want to be part of your Daughter's life?
Your SO can talk about quitting, but alcoholics do this all the time. Some can drink moderately, control it, for a short time, but that doesn't last.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Love is not enough to "cure" her alcoholism.
If you go on like this you will eventually become the "enemy" anyway. The enemy is anyone who tries to get between the addict and their drug, in this case alcohol. She is already showing you that by saying to you: “You are boring, a controller, you want to manipulate me, take away my essence, you are jealous,”
You can't change her so really, your choice is to accept her just the way she is (alcohol and cocaine) or end the relationship. Which is better for you and your Daughter? Being around an alcoholic can be damaging to children, as I am sure you are aware, so that's a big consideration.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,928
To answer your question, no, you are not wrong. She has made it very clear over several years that she has no intention of quitting drinking. So, what you see now is the best it will be, because alcoholism is progressive. It only gets worse, never gets better without serious help, which she obviously does not want.
Like Trailmix said, you need to decide what you want for yourself and your daughter. I feel badly for her children because what they are living with will affect them for the rest of their lives.
Like Trailmix said, you need to decide what you want for yourself and your daughter. I feel badly for her children because what they are living with will affect them for the rest of their lives.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
DearSad.......have you considered making some other responsible adult aware of the condition that her adolescent son is living in. I am talking about the emotional neglect and abuse and taking him into bars where she is undoubtably drinking?
I am thinking about,, maybe, the child's biological father....or her parents (the child's grandparents) or other relatives....or, the school psychologist...or, even the local child protective agenciy.
It is said, that , "It takes a village to raise a child"....and, I am thinking that someone in this village needs to be made that there is a helpless young child that is at considerable risk---at risk to having his entire life ruined.
I am thinking about,, maybe, the child's biological father....or her parents (the child's grandparents) or other relatives....or, the school psychologist...or, even the local child protective agenciy.
It is said, that , "It takes a village to raise a child"....and, I am thinking that someone in this village needs to be made that there is a helpless young child that is at considerable risk---at risk to having his entire life ruined.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Everything you've described seems to point to this not being a very healthy relationship for anyone involved, and I think you've made the best choice for you and your child to leave the relationship behind. Sometimes when it's us in these situations, it's harder to see what is going on, especially since our emotions are involved . . . but if one of your close friends came to you and described this situation, what would you say to them?
I hope that you are able to be kind to yourself as you heal after this relationship. You can see that many of us have similar stories as you read around this forum. There's really good information about addiction and alcoholism, codependency, and support groups. You can search by keywords, or read posts by the same poster by clicking the avatar; there are some good posts in the "stickies."
I hope that you are able to be kind to yourself as you heal after this relationship. You can see that many of us have similar stories as you read around this forum. There's really good information about addiction and alcoholism, codependency, and support groups. You can search by keywords, or read posts by the same poster by clicking the avatar; there are some good posts in the "stickies."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Originally Posted by SadPArtner 
But sometimes I wonder if I'm being too harsh and if I've lost my partner because I wanted to change them in an aspect that "isn't that serious"
She believes that nothing is wrong, that many people go out and lose their inhibitions and that there is nothing wrong with that.
She says she doesn't see the problem. Well, that is her truth. She doesn't have a problem with her drinking, you do.
And since I don't want that, then we can't continue together even though I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 26
Thanks a lot for answering my post.
Forgot to mention that her daughter at6 years old, asks her mommy from time to time "Are you drunk, mommy? "
Usually the little girl is right.
Her son is having his first steps in this issue.
He managed to buy a bottle of wine, and invited some buddies and two other 12yo girls to drink it in a park.
The father of one of those girls rang home to let us know this wonderful story.
Forgot to mention that her daughter at6 years old, asks her mommy from time to time "Are you drunk, mommy? "
Usually the little girl is right.
Her son is having his first steps in this issue.
He managed to buy a bottle of wine, and invited some buddies and two other 12yo girls to drink it in a park.
The father of one of those girls rang home to let us know this wonderful story.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
She is alcoholic and it will get worse unless she quits completely, and goes into recovery. Drinking only on weekends or trying to moderate once someone is addicted never works. The only solution is abstinence. But she has to choose that - no one can force someone into recovery. It's really too bad - she may have had some trauma or abuse when she was young, and has emotional pain that she covers up with the alcohol, but it's hard to know because people drink for many reasons. I really feel for the children. This will affect them the rest of their lives. I am sorry for your situation too, but glad you have moved out - it will just get worse unless she quits completely.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Hello SadPartner
Welcome and glad you found us.
Sorry you are in this painful situation, you have absolutely done the right thing in distancing yourself and your children.
Please do everything it takes to protect yourself and them.
Welcome and glad you found us.
Sorry you are in this painful situation, you have absolutely done the right thing in distancing yourself and your children.
Please do everything it takes to protect yourself and them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 26
She always said that millóns of people, dink a little every weekend just to disconnect. Ti enjoy, have fun, etc.
It seems that the only person that says something about it, it's me.
She never get REALLY drunk . just says nonsense things and be a little disorientated, and angry at me
I can't do anything about those children, simply cause i don't have any relationship with them, even if i considered them, as my own sons during all of this time.
Actually i was a huge masculine paternal reference, since their real father is out of the panorama ( for good) since 2017.
To let her children without father figure again, was no problem for my gf to cut the relationship,
She prefers alcohol, fun and laughs with her female friends..
Everything else, is just not so important kinda :/
It seems that the only person that says something about it, it's me.
She never get REALLY drunk . just says nonsense things and be a little disorientated, and angry at me
I can't do anything about those children, simply cause i don't have any relationship with them, even if i considered them, as my own sons during all of this time.
Actually i was a huge masculine paternal reference, since their real father is out of the panorama ( for good) since 2017.
To let her children without father figure again, was no problem for my gf to cut the relationship,
She prefers alcohol, fun and laughs with her female friends..
Everything else, is just not so important kinda :/
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Originally Posted by SadPArtner
She always said that millóns of people, dink a little every weekend just to disconnect. Ti enjoy, have fun, etc.
It seems that the only person that says something about it, it's me.
It seems that the only person that says something about it, it's me.
Even if she didn't have a drinking problem (which she does), if she only drank 2 beers on Saturday and you were not comfortable with that, it's still up to you to make that change.
I'm sorry you got hurt in all of this.
There is a book that is recommended here, more than any other. It's called Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. I would recommend you get a copy if you can, download or even at the library if they have it. It has a lot of information on boundaries in relationships, which is helpful.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sadpartner.....is there not a child protection agency in your country? Here in the US we have Child Protective Services which are obligated to investigate any reports (which can be made anonymously) of child neglect and/or abuse. This agency will offer help to the parents---or, remove the children from the home, if that is deemed necessary.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 26
I really appreciate your replies.
i Don't know if there's an institution to protect children in this particular case.
There's some social assistance, but rarely take any action on children, even in really dramatic addicted cases
i Don't know if there's an institution to protect children in this particular case.
There's some social assistance, but rarely take any action on children, even in really dramatic addicted cases
Member
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 136
I just got here yesterday, I’m in a very similar position. I have no words of wisdom, I’m just trying to learn just like you. It’s so hard to go through this.
I’m finding a community of smart, like-minded people here who’s only desire is to help people like us. I wish you luck in whatever you choose.
I’m finding a community of smart, like-minded people here who’s only desire is to help people like us. I wish you luck in whatever you choose.
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