SadPArtner

Would you help me to complete this list of sentences you probably listen often ....

-"I can control it"
-"Everybody drinks"
-"Let me demonstrate you"
-"You dont trust in me" ( despite the multiple promises broken )
-"I´m not drunk!"
-"I promise it won´t happen again"
-"I will handle it"
-"You are being controlling"
-"You are cutting my only way to disconnect of the problems"
-"You are too serious, look the rest of the people is happy, laughing and dancing"
-"You knew me like this"
-"You don´t like the way I behave, entertain, socialize, dress, have fun, ...Why are you with me?"(good question btw)
-"I´m not good for you"( guilt trip)
-"You also have flaws, and I don´t mention it all day cause i do love as you are"
-"If you loved me , you should accept me with my good and bad things"(partly truth)
-"The children didn´t noticed"( yep, they did)
-"I´m not a bad person, I won´t accept your judgements"( b&W thinking -- all good / all bad, VERY IMMATURE )
-"I´m not an alcoholic" ( bc a don´t ______ fill the blank)
-"it´s only on weekends, it´s only at night, it´s only at home, it´s only wine, not vodka, it´s only beer, not liquor, it´s only 6, not 100, etc"
-"you drink more than me" ( but miraclously never get hammered )
-"Let´s go to XXXXXXX" ( being XXXX the place where you certainly find people who drinks a lot like them.
-"wait half hour more, and we will go home, honey"
-"I can´t believe you are counting the beers i´m drinking¿¿¿"( yes , certainly, aswell as count mine... it is a very usefull method to NOT GET HAMMERED)
-"I feel observed the whole time, you don´t let me live my life. I don´t limit nor condition your life as you do with mine"(Truth, but I didn´t ask for this task :/
-"Tonight, let´s do like this, if you see me drunk, don´t let me drink more" ( the only issue about this logic is they never consider that they are drunk
-"Tony is an alcoholic" ( just bc tony is way worse than the person that points tony as an alcoholic )
-"If I were an alcoholic, I couldn´t .........." Fill the blank, " hence i´m not an alcoholic"
-"This time is different"
-"Noooooo..... I havn´t shouted"
-"Noooooo..... I havn´t accidentally broke an expensive vase"
-"Noooooo..... I havn´t talked nonsense"
-"Noooooo.....I havn´t had problems putting the key in the lock"
-"Noooooo.... I havn´t been speaking unnecesarily LOUD"
-"Noooooo.... I have not fought with you"
-"Noooooo....my look or facial expression was not weird or different"
-"it´s your immagination"
-"Nobody thinks I drink too mutch, only you do"
-"I didn´t have a drink in X days, so I´m not an alcoholic"
-"You are not a medic to determine if someone is an alcoholic"
-"What time is it?" ( same question 5 mins ago, 20 mins ago, 35 mins ago)
-"Where is Paul?", or the car, or the president, or whatever / whoever was in his strange mind
-"I don´t need someone who points my mistakes all day"
-"I´m an adult, and I know how to live my life, i don´t need your recommendations" ( despite they say they can´t handle this thing in some clarity moments along the way)
-"I promise you this"
-"I cannot promise you anything"

please help me complete this list

AL48

"Just one more ok"
"No hhaha thats a proper measure".
yeah I'll be up in a minute (bed).
Bar man "last call please " "can i have 2 pints and a double vodka" "you've had enough, why dont we go home" "Don't tell me when I've had enough im grand.
"never again"

firecricket

"This is the last time, I promise." (definitely not the last time)
"How about I have some tonight and then I won't again for at least a week." (but keeps doing it every day anyway)
"I know I said abc but actually xyz"
"I never said that, what I meant was...."

Jen07

Omg, this list is so accurate. My husband's go to line is "take a deep breath". Cause of course, it's me overreacting again at the fact that he is falling down drunk at 11am on a Tuesday, again. "Just take a deep breath, Jen."

It's truly insanity! I am very early in the process of getting him out of my life. These posts and comments are literally life saving. I can't wait for the day when I take that deep breath cause he is just a distant memory!

PeacefulWater12

I think as part of our recovery and growth, we need to look at why we keep believing these things an alcoholic says to us.

In the face of such evidence that they have said them many times before and never stuck to them.

This was a chat I was having with a friend yesterday about my late alcoholic husband, why did I keep expecting a different result when I had seen so many times before that what he choose to tell me were lies and not going to happen.

I think it was a denial in me, in my outlook. I desperately wanted it to be true even thought I knew it wasn't.

SadPArtner

This hits me brutally

So sad, so true, so logic. so clever.

I was trying to believe that despite all this mess, she loves me, as I do love her

She was SO HAPPY each morning to having me at her side
She smiled so openly, and frankly each time we see each other
She kissed me 40 or 50 times each time we went to sleep together
She didn´t walk 1 meter without holding my hand
And that was like that for many years, and until our final breakup.

But she decided she can loose that, to priorize the boose
and her immature friends that behaves like teens even when all of them are mothers of 1 or 2 childs each one

She loved me, she wanted to live with me the rest of our lives,
And now we will be strangers, bc of the stupid binge thing?

Are any brain ready to handle that two realities?
Are a heart ready to cut itself in pieces for no reason?

SadPArtner

I call this one: Downscaling promises

A) I promise I won´t drink anymore

B) I promise I won´t drink on weekdays

C) I promise I won´t drink in front of the children

D) I promise I won´t drink TO MUTCH

E) I promise "I will handle it"

F) Look, I´m not a bad person just bc I drink a beer


Note: none of these assumptions has ever been fulfilled

velma929

I was listening to a radio show years ago. The host was going to be married shortly, and joked about his fiancée better not cheat on him. His guest was some sort of behavior analyst. She said she could predict with 90% certainty who would cheat. The host got serious and asked how? The behaviorist said, people who cheat have friends who cheat. With your friends doing it, it doesn't seem shocking or so very wrong. You're not afraid of judgement when you tell your friends you hooking up with the nanny or the gardener if they're all doing the same.

There are alcoholics who drink alone, of course. But a lot of them have friends who also drink heavily, and use that to justify their own habits. They can probably point out that 'Joe' or 'Elaine' are really problem drinkers, because one lost a job or custody of the children or smashed a car up and lost a license to drive. Even the end of a love relationship isn't a big deal, because it can always be blamed on the person not in the room.

trailmix

Just remember that she is indeed an addict. It may appear on the surface that she is just "choosing" alcohol over you, but in reality, her brain is doing that for her. The craving for a drink trumps everything. She (to her mind) cannot be around someone that will try to stop her from having those drinks.

So it's not black and white. Could she go to rehab and attempt sobriety? Sure, anyone can - but when your brain is telling you that you can't and in fact shouldn't! that's also a tough call to make.

Eventually, maybe, she will make a decision to quit, maybe not, but it really isn't simply a choice between a great life with you and a glass of beer.

All that said, let's pretend she's not an alcoholic. What if she is just a person that likes to go out on the weekend and let loose and drink the weekend away while dancing on tables. If you were that person and the person you were with said, umm I think that's a bad idea, let's stay in and watch movies or go to dinner - is that a good match for a relationship?

zla997

Has anyone run into the deflection comments: "Well XYZ is an addiction too and I let you live your life without bringing it up every time." (Sugar, exercising, working, etc. - insert something else that doesn't alter one's mental state but can be a recurring habit or vice in its own way.) "How are they any different?"

Or: "I could stop any time; I just have no desire to pull back at this point in my life. I have no reason not to drink."

Or: It's been a tough work week! It's been a great work week! It's officially summer! It's cold/winter and we're locked inside all day. My sports team won - time to celebrate! My sports team lost - time to drink it away. I have friends in town. I haven't seen my brother in forever - this is how we catch up. It's a holiday! It's a Saturday!

...There is always a special occasion - even it's just an average-ass Tuesday at 4:30 PM.

Note: I keep editing because I keep thinking of more.

"If I stop drinking, you'll just find something else you want to change about me. You'll never be satisfied and seem to just not like me as a person."

timj120

63 days ago
AW: no more drinking alcohol free BOOM feels good to say that (saying positive things usually does feel good)

59 days ago
AW: no drinking during the week just the weekends Friday OR Saturday

58 days ago
AW: no drinking during the week just the weekends Friday AND Saturday

57 days ago
AW: Sunday is part of the weekend

54 days ago
AW: as long as I limit it to 1-2 drinks, I can have some during the week

3 days ago
AW: why can’t I commit to a healthy life, no drinking, smoking.

2 days ago, 1 day ago, today
AW: BOTTOMS UP MUTHAF…..KAS! (Essentially)

timj120

I’m just a social person, I need to be around people.

there’s always someone who wants to talk to me

god these neighbors are so awful, I don’t think I could make it through without a drink.

you don’t understand what I deal with all day as a stay at home mom. (I work from home, so I kinda do, it’s difficult to take a nap at 9:30am and watch TV until noon)

that time from when the kids get home from school (3pm) to when you’re done with work (5:30om) is just so hard. I just need a break (5 hour break? Lord are me and the kids that terrible?!?!)

after the kids go to bed, this is how I choose to unwind. You unwind differently and it’s unfair of you to judge me.

you used to drink a lot too!

trailmix

This made me lauggghhh lol

timj120

A couple more to add to the collection, literally just heard both of these a few minutes ago.

"I don't feel well today, must be coming down with something"
"I hope not, maybe it's just becaue I didn't sleep well at all last night"

zla997

I distinctly remember a time when I was called a “fun murderer” at a wedding. 😑

velma929

Oh, yeah. Late AH got all serious and said he wanted to talk to me about how much acetaminophen / ibuprofen I was taking for carpal tunnel syndrome and calcium deposits.

timj120

I've heard that one too, I had spinal surgery years back and have really bad arthritis so I have to take something to curb the pain. I was told, "you take too much of that stuff, I'm worried".

Honestly, it's a valid point...too much of that stuff can do some damage, but it's ironic nonetheless where the concern is coming from!!!

firecricket

Soooo so familiar...

sage1969

My deceased AH was constantly pressuring me to stop my chemotherapeutics / immunosuppressive medications, and even started threatening to call police about my "drug habits" (he was extremely abusive and was also trying to keep me from leaving with the children).

timj120

They keep flying at me today,

”I’ve decided to do one project a day until schools out. Clean out basement, rearrange kids bedrooms, swap out kids winter/summer clothes etc. I realize that I’m just not busy enough, I need things to accomplish. doing these will help me drink less because I’ll be more active”

said with glass of wine in hand.

here comes the manic project phase that occurs once or twice a year.