Shiningstar88

I’m going to try and explain my story without going into a 5 page novel. My husband is in rehab for severe gambling. I met him at a casino but I guess I didn’t realize what an issue it was until this year. We’ve been together almost 6 years and share two small children (age 3) as well as other children from prior marriages. We are More recently we’ve had some marital issues and when things got bad between us he started leaving overnight and not coming home. I think it really started when we went for a holiday (I won a large amount and wanted to put it towards some things for our family).. he took that cash and gambled it away. I was devastated. He told me he was doing it to prove a point. He took about 13,000 of the winnings and then left for weeks. At one point I thought maybe he could even be having an affair because it just was not like him at all. That made him even more mad to mention he would even consider that and he left even more. It got so bad to the point he embezzled from his own job and called me crying. At that point I was actually happy in the sense that he finally was realizing things were going way too far and that it was a problem. He asked me to contact his boss to see if they were going to press charges. Thankfully the money he stole was a small amount and not anything crazy large as I’m sure the outcome would have been different. He’s had his career for almost 12 years. His boss said he would not press charges and for him to take as long as he needs to get help. A few days later I found out he put a lien on my car and took out 20,000 off the money I put down down on my car and gambled that away as well. Our mortgage was behind 3 months and we had cut off for the utilities. A few days before he left he even tried to take money from my business account but my bank declined it as it was odd.

I found a recovery center for him that his insurance covered most of. He did decide to go rehab and before he left we were on good terms. When he got to the airport (his rehab is far from where we live) the facility person was not there and he had to wait awhile for them to pick him up. I made a few phone calls after it had been an hour and then they let me know they got him. The first week he was there he was on black out for 7 days which we both knew would be a part of it. The family coordinator contacted me his first week and sent me a long email about how they would be helping me and us as a family through the process. A few days later I found out he took me off the release. I was devastated. He called the following week and when I asked about that he told me it was to focus on him. I understand that but it’s been 20 days and he is supposed to be there for 30 days and nothing has changed. We have only had 3 small phone calls, the first few were not very good. I’ve wrote him sweet letters and sent care packages but anytime he’s called he’s sounded really down, monotone and short with me. He mentioned about staying for 90 days the most recent time I talked to him which was 8 days ago. I’m having a hard time with this. I’ve been reading about co-dependency and I feel like I do struggle with that. This is the longest we’ve gone without talking and being with each other besides for him leaving to gamble the months before he left. I am relieved I don’t have to worry about that aspect. The family counselor told me she can’t talk to me about much because he took me off the release but she did say he also checked not have his phone on week 3/4 which at this facility they can. He has reached out by text to a family member of mine and his ex wife that he shares a child with but hasn’t sent me 1 letter or text since he has been there. It’s been really hard taking care of the family by myself and I'm really struggling with this entire thing. I do want him better I guess I am feeling insecure about our marriage. I was hoping if he did stay for the 30 days that towards the end we would work on our marriage issues with the therapist because that’s what they do help with as well.

I love him very much and have stood with him through it all. I just feel like a tiny amount of effort would be nice but maybe I’m being selfish. Any advice is welcomed. Thank you

dandylion

Shiningstar.....Welcome to the forum!
I certainly can understand why you feel insecure about the marriage----as it sure does sound like it has been run off in the ditch, at this point.
I am glad that you are reading up on co-dependency. When you have been left with so much debt and taking care of the family by your self---and your thought is "maybe I am being selfish"----lol...that sure sounds like the words of a co-dependent.

As you can see...this forum focuses on alcoholism, primarily....but, you are still welcome, as I think that all addictions share many general principles.....and, the heartaches of the lovedones can be similar in some ways.
Just so that you know....the first year of reaching for recovery from any addiction can be even more hellish than before rehab. This comes as a shock to many loved ones and addicts, alike.
Who knew?
For the addict---they are often left struggling with how to even get from day to day without their main "pain killer"---their addiction. Often struggling with fear and depression and confusion.

Believe me, when I say that you should take some comfort that he might be away for 90 days.....and, I even suggest that he might go to a safe house for several months after that---to really get his legs under him. AND---you are really going to need that amount of time to prepare yourself for your future--whatever that brings.
I have often been known to say that the addict and their loved ones would be better off---more merciful---if, for the first year, they lived separately---to each, focus on their own recovery issues.

Here are some specific suggestions that I have for your consideration....
1. Consult a lawyer, if you haven't already done so....to find out your rights and explore all of your options....in case of separation, divorce, and financial obligations/consequences.
2. Join a face to face Gam-anon group....or, an online one if there are not any in your are. If you live near casinos---there are probably a lot of groups near by.
3. Get your own personal counselor to guide you---as this is too hard to try to go alone.

Shiningstar88

thank you so much for this!

PeacefulWater12

Welcome, Shining Star.

Sorry to read of the difficult situation you are having to deal with, no you are not selfish. I encourage you to focus on yourself and the children. On your well being and while your husband is away in rehab rest and recover as much as you can.

Your husband is going to do what he is going to do, addicts do that. So you need to look after yourself and the children. To protect yourselves as much as you can from the damage of this situation.

I agree with Dandylion about seeking legal advice as well as support in the form of 12 step programs or counselling.

Also in this time of him being away, consider do you want him back? Do you and the children want this in your life? You have done well to identify your co-dependency issues, this is something I had to work through too. This was a real life changer for me, I hope it will be for you. Keeping my focus on myself and not the addict in my life was a huge change, the whole world looked different when I could see what was my problem and what was theirs. Then I had to untangle myself from their stuff.

Again welcome.

firecricket

Wow, I can't believe you would think that you're being selfish!! You are not being selfish at all. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

trailmix

Hi shiningstar, what a lot of drama and hurt you have been through.

There is a book here that is the most recommended by far - Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. If you can download a copy or get one from your library, it can be so helpful in navigating the often murky waters of dealing with someone with addiction.

No, you aren't being selfish. It's so important (always, but especially now) to focus on looking after yourself and your children (as PW mentioned). This can be difficult if you are someone who has focused on looking after other people and in particular taking care of the whirlwind the addict creates - but it's well worth it. If he is looking out for him and you are looking out for him, who is looking out for you?

thequest

That's great advice there partly because it takes addicts several attempts to change. They have to want to change or get sober for themselves and not appease someone else. How much of an up and down ride you want is up to you. Also drugs or an addiction doesn't necessarily manufacture behavior. He probably already had some ethical or moral issues to say the least. The addiction can be an excuse or motivation but it did not tell the brain lie, cheat, steal, manipulate etc.

Good Luck. Stay Safe & Protect Yourself.