Whattodo123

Hi all, my ex husband has been sober for almost 3 years. We divorced 2 years ago because he was so hurt that I didn't welcome him home with open arms after he went to rehab and he wanted to focus soley on his recovery, not fixing our relationship. I was upset but agreed; it had been a lot of pain and stress before he quit drinking and we have two small children that needed me to be the best version of myself. At that moment I needed time apart to heal too and I think it was the right decision at the time.

It was the most amicable divorce I can imagine and we get a long great. We even do things as a family often and still laugh together frequently.

There have been times in the last two years where I have brought up seeing what's still there but he says while he is still attracted to me he doesn't know if he ever wants a relationship with anyone again. This is always very confusing because he flirts with me and even almost kissed me the last time I brought it up over the summer.

He hadn't been flirty anymore until the last week. He joined me and my family for Thanksgiving and stayed almost 7 hours. A few people even quietly asked me when we had gotten back together after observing our interactions and were shocked when I explained we aren't. They each asked me why not from the look of things.

The next day we had a family outing just us and the kids and he flirted and teased me all afternoon and hugged me very tightly when he left.

I am so proud of him for getting and remaining sober and his drinking was the only problem we had in our relationship. I would never want to jeapordize his sobriety but why can't we try again? He always says it isn't the right time to discuss it when I brought it up in the past but I am still very much in love with him and he seems to feel the same.

I think he still feels shame for some of the things during his drinking but he never did anything worse than lie about it (no cheating, never hit me, no financial mess). I would love to have a conversation or even just spend some time together just the two of us but I don't want to rock the boat if he is going to shut me down again.

He hasn't dated since we split and I dabbled at it but realized my heart was still his and never even kissed anyone else. I feel like I either need to move on or try again because this is tourture living this in between existance. Our kids are still very young and want us together more than anything. Any advice?

Indisposed

It sounds to me like he's scared of hurting you again, or doesn't want to get involved in a relationship because the moment a fight happens, it might trigger him to relapse.

I'm not 100% sure as I'm still new to this whole situation myself, but I am sorry you are going through this. Maybe you can bring up trying one more time, and see what his response is?

SparkleKitty

I think all you can do is take what he says as the way it is. He doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, and doesn't know if he ever will again. I agree, it's confusing with the way he is behaving, but it's not your knot to untangle.

Guessing and theorizing isn't going to help you. You've brought it up before and he hasn't wanted to discuss it. It may be time to grieve this relationship and let go. Certainly you can't force him to try again when he isn't ready. So you can either let go or hang on, but hanging on isn't really feeding the "best version" of yourself that you hope to model for your kids, or that you deserve to let yourself be.

BlownOne

I feel like I either need to move on or try again because this is tourture living this in between existance. Tell him this. Be honest. You may not like the answer you get, but at least you'll know where you stand and it may make the direction you need to go in a bit clearer. FWIW, newly recovered alcoholics are weird and temperamental creatures. We say one thing but do another and don't always make sense. At least I didn't. It takes time for the s**t to get cleared out. I know 3 years sounds like a long time, but in the big scheme of recovery, it's not that long. Figure out what you really really want and lay it on the line with him. Best wishes!

sage1969

Something also to think about is how your children will fit into this. It's definitely positive that you're able to co - parent in a healthy way. They will notice this and learn from this.

I'd caution, though, too much physical affection or a lot of time spent at home together with your children, just because that can get very confusing for them, especially if things are up in the air for you. Saying from experience, from having children and having to explain the breakup with a partner and why he's no longer at home, make certain that whatever time spent and traditions made now are ones that you can foresee being able to maintain in the future, whichever outcome materialises.

dandylion

Wtd.......My thoughts are that if he is not ready to even disscuss this---he is not ready, no matter what the reason is. This is a matter that I believe that it is essential that both parties must be on the same page.
I do think that sage makes a good point about spending too much time together, and with so much intimacy is walking a tightrope, in this matter., and send confusing message to the kids, especially as they get older.

I do think, that, sometimes, peple fall into the "trap" if thinking that just because there is attraction and familarity, that means that it means that it follows that a couple Must be together.
I don't think that this is always true.
My reason for saying this is that being married and living together brings more and different pressures and expectations and responsibilities that are differet than those when not committed and living in a single state. lol....there are tons of evidence to support this.

I, also, agree that you always have a right to state your own personal feelings to your partner. Honest communication is important in any relationship, being the driving principle..

velma929

I'll second Dandylion's thoughts about spending too much time together.

Year ago I had a boyfriend who treated me poorly. We were on-again-off-again, finally I'd had enough and walked away. Lucky me, I had a job in another state and moved four hours away. I stunk at that job though, and six months later, was back in town. Hanging out with the old gang was easy - I liked old boyfriend's friends. Talking with my Mom, though, I said out loud my concern; it would be really easy to slide back into a romantic relationship with old boyfriend. I didn't want that, so I made new friends.

Your ex says he'd not ready. "...he doesn't know if he ever wants a relationship with anyone again." Believe him. Rebuff the flirting and be pleasant and cordial. It would seem as if it would be MORE confusing for the children to see you guys flirting and huggy one day, then not at the next occasion - and you say this is happening. Frankly, I thing two years is nothing in the grand scheme of things, but I've been wrong before.