Spiderweb

I made the decision to leave my 15 year marriage and file for divorce 5 months ago. In the beginning I experienced so much relief, I remember just going to bed thinking “ I don’t have to deal with a drunk tonight!”. There was so much build up to that decision. So many years spent grappling over whether or not to leave that it just felt like the end of a really long, hard journey. And it was. I no longer have to live with an alcoholic. I have control of my life back. I have peace and calm and lovely simplicity. I know it was the right decision for my daughter and me.
The paperwork in our divorce requires him to finish an outpatient program in order to maintain our custody agreement. He is 4 months sober (from what I and my daughter can tell this is true) and we are communicating pretty well about logistics with our daughter etc. I am moved into my new place, happy with my job, life has kind of settled into a new normal. I have no regrets because I know I gave 100% and tried everything to make the marriage work ….. and yet, this next chapter is really, really hard.
I feel like I reached the mountaintop only to find a scary, uncertain territory ahead. Some days I’m doing alright but sometimes I get really freaked out- I moved to this state away from my family to build this life with him and now I just feel abandoned. He chose alcohol over us. All the friends and memories we have here we built together. It’s a small community and everywhere I go I see mutual friends and just feel like I am the tragic character in my own movie. Some days I just cannot believe this has happened, that this is my life now. I have no roadmap for this. My therapist says we are survivors. Divorce is awful and I feel sick sometimes when I see him. If any of you have been here, how did you navigate this next part?

edoering

I’m still in it myself! So far, pace myself. Give myself lots of opportunities to just put one foot in front of the other, do things that are restorative or playful and just keep me focused on feeling myself, and have no expectations for how to “get better.”

I’ve discovered I’ve lost my big-picture/roadmap/vision for my future (seems to be pretty common with grief). But I’ve also discovered I don’t need it right now to be okay and still keep my life on track. I focus instead on giving it time to come back on its own terms. I’ve discovered each sudden, uncontrolled wave of pain or emotion that comes up, precedes a small internal breakthrough of some kind. So I let me come at their own pace, and don’t fight it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

sage1969

Being in a smaller community, I found I had to change my circle of friends and choose different places to go. There are people who judge and who can't accept that I'm a different person now, and I just have to shrug and let it go. I am happier being able to choose who I am and how I spend my time and energy. At first it was really difficult but I get less and less feelings of anxiety of being in a "new" place / frame of mind. And I know with absolute certainty that I would never go back to how things were before.

trailmix

Hey spider, I think there are (at least) two things at play here. I know when I divorced, after a while I started to think, ok this is all on me! I think especially when you have a child. When you are married for some time, you do depend on the other person, in general, but you also depend on each other financially.

The other thing is, although you are basically happy with your circumstances now, are you happy with where you are living? Were you only ever in that town because of his plans? Maybe it's time to move back to where you came from, if you think you will have more support there. Family, friends?

Kaya wrote a thread yesterday about her decision to throw in her business and start something new. Sometimes it's not a bad idea to review everything. Why are you there?

This is the thread: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...l-relates.html (A decision and how this all relates)

Leftinthedust

Spider- I’m in a similar situation regarding moving to a different state and feeling a bit isolated. Still waiting for attorney to finalize the papers, but still staring at the uncertainty. It’s for sure something that makes me shake, many times a day. As nice as it is not to deal with the nuttiness that came with the daily drunk episodes and that roller coaster, your still left with no corner support. Kinda like going into a boxing ring, getting beat up round after round then not having anyone there to set down a stool to sit on between rounds.

no choice but to get through it. Especially with kids involved. Still learning to navigate that one. Yesterday I had a horrible stomach bug and all the accoutrements of that. I get a call from my daughters school that she’s in the nurses office with horrid period cramps…there’s no Calvary ( for years it’s been spotty support mid-day), so saddle up and drive 15 minutes to the rescue.

For me, I’m glad I can do that for her. I look at it as a privilege.

I also understand the RE-structuring of the social circle. A good portion of our mutual friends have just cut ties, not wanting to get in the middle.

we just go on…I wish you the best in your journey.

Spiderweb

Thanks for your response, you have some good words of wisdom. I think you’re right about trying to make peace with the uncertainty, just taking it one step at a time knowing it will unfold as it’s meant to. This sounds a lot like taking it one day at a time. Ha, maybe it works on our side of recovery as well. Interesting about the insights after the pain. I’ll have to pay more attention to that. I’m really trying to feel all my feelings as much as I can. All the best to you on your journey.

Spiderweb

Thanks for your reply, Trailmix. You hit the nail on the head-I moved to this area to follow his career and would love to move back to my home state where I have roots and more support. Unfortunately, I need to stay here because of our custody agreement. Hopefully he stays on the recovery path and our daughter can benefit from being close to 2 healthy parents. She’s pretty established here and has close friends so probably best for her if we stay put through high school, as much as I’d love to go and have a fresh start. She’s a 6th grader though so once she graduates my options open up. I got my master's degree recently and am going to do as much as I can to put myself in a position to have options when the time comes. For now, I’m focusing on flying/driving to see old friends and family and focusing on the true friends I have here.

Spiderweb

Thanks for your reply, Sage. I feel the same, like this old life/friends is just not going to work anymore, I need something new. I have a few close girlfriends here that have been great. I’m also reconnecting with older friends outside the area-people who just know me for me, not me as part of a couple. Good to hear the anxiety of stepping out has lessened for you. The Saturday morning soccer games where we saw each other, had to figure out where to sit, knowing that everyone knows our new situation, would spin me out for the whole day. Last Saturday at the game I took a deep breath and sat next to my ex only to see he was talking to our male couple friend so I went to talk to his wife, my good friend. I was proud of myself anyway, ha, baby steps. Glad you are feeling more comfortable in your new situation.

Spiderweb

Thanks for your reply, Leftinthedust. Great analogy about sitting in the ring alone. After all we’ve been through, we deserve someone to encourage us and rub our shoulders, don’t we? And that person who was supposed to be in our corner is our adversary.
You sound like a really good mom. Even when we feel awful (physically and emotionally) when we show up for our kids, they feel it. I’m providing a stable loving home now, so even though I’m not so great, this is better for her current and future self. Best to you on your journey and hope you beat that stomach bug.

Amaranth

Hi Spiderweb
It is really, really hard!! The initial euphoria of being released from an unbearable situation morphs into the fear of the unknown and the total uncertainty about what comes next. Staying in the marriage is in its own way kind of safe and secure because you know what you have to look forward to.....more of the same
Now you have no idea what comes next.....that's both exciting and terrifying.
All I can say is embrace the change. When I was newly seperated I had a policy to say yes to everything......anything that was on offer I said yes to. I needed to get to know who I really was, without being part of that couple ..... I too am in a small community and feel like I will always be referred to as Amaranth and "him". I needed to find my own identity. So I said yes to everything. I ended up in a choir for a while, I went to kick boxing classes, among other things. I tried everything and although I didn't stick with it all of it I got to explore new things and meet new people. With every new situation you tackle you will get stronger. You made the decision to move on so keep moving forward, one step at a time. Don't look back.
It's nearly 4 years since I left my marriage. It is really sad that it didn't work out. I too gave everything I had to make it work and I am still heartbroken. I think I always will be. At the same time I'm grateful for the chance to have a different life. I'm grateful that I'm not still in the marriage with more of the same to look forward to. My life can go anywhere now and I'm enjoying the ride. I never dreamed I would be on my own again and that I would be doing what I'm doing now. I have a real opportunity to thrive and you do too. Take your time, try new things out and don't grasp onto the past. You may feel like the tragic character in the movie now, but who will you be in a year's time? The phoenix that rose from the ashes? The heroine that re-invented herself? I promise you, it does get easier.

PeacefulWater12

I hear you, walking the journey of building a new life alongside you.

I am taking it an inch at a time.

Eauchiche

Dear Spiderweb
Five months is nothing. It takes a while to recover from what you have been through.
To leave a situation like this requires a great deal of courage. Two things we left were security and familiarity.

I saw a quote on social media this morning that said, "the first thing your encounter when following your dreams is fear. Just nod and keep walking."

Spiderweb

Amaranth, thank you for the encouragement! You’re right, this path is uncertain but full of possibility. So much better than the alternative. I said yes to a sunrise mt snow hike with new friends today. Who knows what other good stuff is ahead. Glad to hear it’s gotten easier for you!

Spiderweb

Peaceful and Eauchiche, thanks for your posts. I like “one inch at a time”-yeah, no need to hurry anything. I agree, you recognize the fear and just keep going-Thank you!

PeacefulWater12

I wanted to add that I was very surprised to learn how physically damaged my body was from being with an alcoholic and all the insanity that comes with it.

I am 8 months out, and very much still physically healing. A lot of the initial pain and soreness have gone now still I can feel healing going on.

Just something for you consider. Take care.

Spiderweb

Interesting, Peaceful. I began having migraines about 5 years into our relationship. I think things started to get tough and twisted then. I still get them from work related stress but I’m interested to see if they calm down now that my home life is calm/sane. I would get so ill - our body really holds onto that stuff. Glad you are beginning to feel better.