Bewilderd

How do you deal with the belligerence of an alcoholic? If they are being belligerent is it likely that they are drunk at the time? What do you do to counter the belligerence if you have no option but to continue dealing with them? I have tried to set firm boundaries but to little effect. I tend to withdraw and continue to try to communicate once the belligerence appears to have blown over, but I still feel the effect of it. Anything that has worked for anyone else?

SparkleKitty

The only thing that has ever rescued me from the belligerence of others is removing myself from the immediate situation. It doesn't matter if they are belligerent due to drinking or not.

Detachment like this, however, is not a long-term strategy for living with someone who is abusive.

sage1969

I have also found that I'm not effective communicating with belligerence, or drunk / dry drunk people in general, so I do my best to take myself out of the situation or use situational awareness to not place myself in those types of situations.

My boundaries are that I do not allow alcohol or drugs in my home and I do not socialise with people who drink/ use; when I'm in public and someone is drunk, I leave. I'm highly sensitive to situations where there is domestic violence having lived through it and chosen to leave that life behind, so I don't tolerate it at all.

I know it is different if you live with someone who drinks / uses. I would strongly urge you to look at safety. Behaviors with alcoholics progress, just like the disease itself does, and it's a slippery slope from belligerence to outright abuse.

trailmix

I agree that removing yourself from the area is the only solution. You can't reason with someone, generally, who has been drinking and certainly not when it has escalated.

I literally walk out of the room (either leave or to another room).

Bewilderd

I'm not living with her but am forced into contact by unresolved legal issues. I agree it doesn't matter whether she's actually drunk or not, but I do know she acts worse when drunk. I wonder how in this kind of situation where you can't just sever contact, how people get through it without it taking a severe toll on their mental & physical health.

edoering

I literally have a mantra I repeat to myself after I’ve left a situation where someone treats me poorly that I can’t change/control 🤣. After I leave the space/person is not near me, I say to myself “It’s okay if they don’t understand me, because I understand me. My higher power understands me, and that’s enough.” (That is because being misunderstood is one of my trigger buttons, haha).

I give myself time to decompress, maybe eat something, or put bare feet on grass/earth. Listen to music I like. Wait for my heart rate to decrease. Journal or speak to trusted friends if I need to “vent” in order to release the upset. And if a situation gets too aggressive or makes me too uncomfortable, I just leave. Inform them I need time to process or space to cool down before
I can respond well, and then follow through with taking time and space.

Basically, it’s a lot of self-work. My therapist describes it as an “internal boundary.” I can’t not have any interaction, but I can refuse to let their emotions/issues/behavior “in” and I can have an internal boundary where I don’t internalize what they’re saying or doing, and don’t take it personally. I’m learning that if I’m secure in myself and my reality, it doesn’t bother me as much if they aren’t living in the same universe as me. If they misinterpret me and it’s out of my control and they try to make me feel ungrounded. That stems from their problems, and it’s not my job to overcompensate for that!

trailmix

I think edoering's suggestions are really helpful.

For me, if someone is just "quacking" ie: speaking of things that have nothing to do with the issue at hand, I block them out mentally and wait for them to answer the question/address the issue. I suppose this took practice (can't remember!).

Keep in mind all the non-relevant stuff has exactly nothing to do with you. Nothing. Also, if the person is going on (and on) don't be afraid to interrupt, use your "business voice".

sage1969

My previous lack of boundaries meant that I took on other people's energy / moods / problems. If I have to interact with someone who gives me an icky gut feeling, I'm very conscious to shed all that energy and emotion. I think about it all washing off me like water. I don't let it stick. Sometimes I'll use breathing exercises to ground again (breathing in a square, 4 in, hold 4, 4 out, hold 4). If I still feel icky, I will literally take a shower or bath to clear myself of energies that don't feel good.

choublak

Maybe you could always meet up with her in public places so she won’t act so belligerent? How belligerent are we talking here?

Bute

I have to admit, I'm not very good at dealing with people like this. If I can, I will remove myself from them. I would not fair well if I had to live with them.
We have to deal with all kinds of people in life, and some, I find, light my fuse! I've become intolerant of rude people. I find myself wanting to give them a right uppercut. Wouldn't it be great!
I'm not very helpful, I know.
Much Love
Bute x

Hawkeye13

Contact only via email or text, or through lawyers if it is just a legal issue. That way it is in writing and you don’t have to endure verbal abuse in person or on the phone. If it is really nasty, have someone you trust read the messages and convey what is necessary information without the sadistic trimmings. If someone calls you, you don’t have to pick up the phone.

mylifeismine

Medium chill or gray rock. Study it- practice- It works if you have to be around the person.

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-...3/medium-chill

Bewilderd

How belligerent is it? Sadistic trimmings describes it very well at the very best of times - it goes from undermining or degrading to outright viciousness, streams of disgusting, nasty messages which I have to block after many conversations, and instances of physical violence.

I am some of the way - I have spoken out, laid boundaries and I cut off all conversations as soon as I see it coming. I no longer mention any feelings or go into my personal life at all, and keep things businesslike and to the point. I block whenever necessary.

But none of this stops any run-in from being very distressing, causing me days of lost sleep etc. It's not possible at this point do to everything through a lawyer, though I would love to.

I like the idea of an internal boundary, also grounding.. seems like my focus has to be on inner strategies for self-protection as she will continue to stomp on boundaries and act/be crazy.

Bewilderd

How belligerent is it? Sadistic trimmings describes it very well at the very best of times - it goes from undermining or degrading to outright viciousness, streams of disgusting, nasty messages which I have to block after many conversations, and instances of physical violence.

I am some of the way - I have spoken out, laid boundaries and I cut off all conversations as soon as I see it coming. I no longer mention any feelings or go into my personal life at all, and keep things businesslike and to the point. I block whenever necessary.

But none of this stops any run-in from being very distressing, causing me days of lost sleep etc. It's not possible at this point do to everything through a lawyer, though I would love to.

I like the idea of an internal boundary, also grounding.. seems like my focus has to be on inner strategies for self-protection as she will continue to stomp on boundaries and act/be crazy.

trailmix

Frankly, I couldn't do that on a regular basis. I had a run in with a hugely toxic person this past weekend. In print, online, with an audience. An acquaintance, sometimes it's surprising what people think when they don't know you from adam, however, it did ruffle me a bit afterward for an hour or two. So I thought well I hope I'm not going to feel ruffled for the rest of the day!

So I got ready, went out, did some visiting and those feelings vanished shortly. That grounding, that getting out and seeing the world and nice, "normal" people really makes a difference, while keeping in mind that you are not what that person is saying (which goes back to knowing what you actually are). People who are nasty have a way of taking something with a grain of truth and blowing it up in to some horrible, dramatic situation - that can be hard to deal with, I know. But focusing back on yourself and realizing there is nothing they can say that changes who you are and what you believe about yourself, is key.

Next time try that change of scenery perhaps? Go out, buy yourself dinner (even seeing people you don't know behaving normally and happily helps), pay a short visit to a family member or friends, post here. Also keep cutting her/him off at the pass, take the high road, don't be drawn in. It's good you are to the point where you see it coming and exit the conversation.