Why Don’t I Give Up?
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Join Date: Feb 2020
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Why Don’t I Give Up?
I’m so tired of this. I’ve been so empathetic for so long, reminding myself that it’s a disease etc. Now I’m just angry. Since the last time I posted, my husband went to a rehab for 30 days. Five days after he came home, he played soccer with his buddies ( a former trigger , why I’m not sure! No alcohol allowed in the building!) and so it began again. Joined a home sobriety step group, getting a few days sober, up to ten at one point but then finds a way to drink again! Not bad at first- every few nights, then a couple of nights together, and here we are - 5 out of the last nine days, drinking! I’m so tired of having to explain his disease to our kids. The older teens don’t even care anymore. They just feel helpless and our daughter is okay but stresses that he will embarrass her and worries about me. I’ve always thought that divorce would be worse for them but I’m not sure anymore. He’ll awaken tmr again full of self pity and apologize and hug me and tell me how sorry he is and give me another eureka plan for recovery. I’m so tired of this. Today, he went to work and stopped at the gym. So often, it seems as if physical activity is a trigger for him. Is that crazy? I can’t imagine feeling great about a workout, then downing a flask of vodka. I may be out of empathy. Time to pray for guidance. Xo
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
I know that feeling......
I got to the point where I told my then AH that I didn't want to hear any more apologies
as they seemed empty and meaningless. It did create a subtle shift in the dynamics.
The whole dysfunctional "dance" had to change up.... It really helped me though.
I got to the point where I told my then AH that I didn't want to hear any more apologies
as they seemed empty and meaningless. It did create a subtle shift in the dynamics.
The whole dysfunctional "dance" had to change up.... It really helped me though.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by OliviaLynnMarsh 
So often, it seems as if physical activity is a trigger for him. Is that crazy? I can’t imagine feeling great about a workout, then downing a flask of vodka. I may be out of empathy. Time to pray for guidance. Xo
I had an alcoholic Father and he never made any excuses to drink that I know of, I wasn't paying much attention, he drank or he didn't, I never knew why (and didn't care). From a child's point of view, it's just scary - those ever shifting sands of "safety". Home should be a haven, for you and for them, it's not. As an older teen and even a younger teen, I never brought friends home if I knew he was there, never. None of us did, only if he was away working.
I can understand why your teens don't care anymore, your Husband has shown zero interest in committing to getting help for his alcoholism, so why would they? He doesn't care, so them not caring seems pretty normal to me.
You said back in February of 2020:
(AA, and the Habits Online program) because he loves us and wants to stop. I'll give him the three months. I'm just so sad right now. He certainly didn't like it when I said I may take the kids to counseling. He said , "Oh so if I don't see the counselor, you'll do that to hold it over my head". I know that's his fear and defence. I calmly said said no, I'm probably going to take them anyway because this is beyond my skill level, and I want to be sure I'm doing the right things for them. Do any Al Anon groups have couselors??
You are (probably) making yourself miserable. Maybe it's time to stop. Leave if you would like to, stay if you must but don't expect anything to change. Time to focus back on you and your children. I guarantee you they need you. You have been holding him up for years, maybe let him take care of himself for a while. If you decide to stay, your absolute best bet is to accept him just the way he is.
As long as you feel you are working "against" alcohol, maybe you feel justified to stay, even with the affect it is having on your children? That's an illusion, you have no control over his alcoholism.
Why do you think you stay? I didn't say, why do you think you don't "give up" because giving up and detaching or leaving this situation are two different things.
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Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 66
I stayed because I thought he could beat this and his drinking is truthfully the only bad thing in our relationship - an unwanted evil! I stayed because it’s so good otherwise. I’ve accepted that I have no control over the addiction, and for periods of time, when he slips, I do accept him. I can handle occasional slips, but it’s the emerging, familiar pattern that I see now that scares and angers me. He has tried so hard but I’m starting to think he’ll never be truly sober. I think my older teens have accepted that as truth. My younger teen is saddened by that but we do focus on good things and she enjoys life fir the most part. I’m learning to let go and I hope she can follow my lead. I can see that he’s truly sorry but sometimes that just isn’t enough. If we were to leave ( which my older kids definitely don’t want, and that’s difficult for me), I am so afraid of what would happen to him. He would be sad, and that would come out as anger, the drinking would spiral, and things would be so much worse. I think I just have to ask God for comfort and count my blessings, wait for a miracle. Sadly, I just feel like this won’t stop until he becomes very ill or dies from it. There’s nothing else I can do for him. None of us deserve this, not even him.
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Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 64
You're feelings here remind me so much of my own--except my alcoholic is my son (with co-occurring mental illness and high-functioning autism).
You don't give up because you love him. You don't give up because you're afraid. You don't give up because you've grown so accustomed to the weight you carry that you think you can do it---and you aren't so sure about how you'll handle what comes next if you don't. You don't give up because alcoholism turns us into caretakers and such busy caretakers that we don't have time to consider anything else. You don't give up because you don't want to disappoint anyone--your children, your husband, etc.
"I've stayed because it's good otherwise." Is it? Are you constantly waiting and worried for the next slip? Do you find yourself frantically searching your mind (or your resources) for another way to stop this madness? Despite knowing that you'll never understand this, do you spend a ridiculous amount of time trying? Are you constantly busy doing damage control with your family--making sure everyone is ok because of this? Are you holding on to what it used to be like instead of what is now?
Like I said, your post reminds me of my own feelings. I've told my mother of some of the things that have happened in my home with my son and gotten very angry (on the inside) when she has said, "That's not like <name>." Yes, it is--this is who he is now. The version she is still hanging on to is gone. I know because I'm still hanging on to that at times too, except it is here in my face instead. That version isn't coming back and as much as I long for the good pieces of that version, that version also started self-medicating with alcohol. That version was easier but obviously not healthy. I hope for a new version that regains health, control over alcohol (meaning recovery), and a new life that he can enjoy.
I haven't given up either and if I'm honest, I cannot imagine a time that I will. I have however, reached a point where I understand that I may have to make really difficult decisions and do really heart-wrenching things to save myself, my other son, and hopefully my alcoholic son as well. Not everyone will understand those decisions. Those decisions won't feel good. Those decisions will break me in ways unimaginable. Those decisions will be worse in the short-term. And I still may have to make those decisions and carry them out.
I can't tell you what is right for you and you're family, but I can tell you that it is ok to make hard decisions to save yourself and your children. I can tell you that sometimes love doesn't look the way we thought it would. Staying won't save your husband---he is the only one that can save himself, and he has to want it at least as much as you do. What will happen if you leave? The same thing that will happen if you stay---he'll continue on this path or he won't, and you have no control over it whatsoever.
You don't give up because you love him. You don't give up because you're afraid. You don't give up because you've grown so accustomed to the weight you carry that you think you can do it---and you aren't so sure about how you'll handle what comes next if you don't. You don't give up because alcoholism turns us into caretakers and such busy caretakers that we don't have time to consider anything else. You don't give up because you don't want to disappoint anyone--your children, your husband, etc.
"I've stayed because it's good otherwise." Is it? Are you constantly waiting and worried for the next slip? Do you find yourself frantically searching your mind (or your resources) for another way to stop this madness? Despite knowing that you'll never understand this, do you spend a ridiculous amount of time trying? Are you constantly busy doing damage control with your family--making sure everyone is ok because of this? Are you holding on to what it used to be like instead of what is now?
Like I said, your post reminds me of my own feelings. I've told my mother of some of the things that have happened in my home with my son and gotten very angry (on the inside) when she has said, "That's not like <name>." Yes, it is--this is who he is now. The version she is still hanging on to is gone. I know because I'm still hanging on to that at times too, except it is here in my face instead. That version isn't coming back and as much as I long for the good pieces of that version, that version also started self-medicating with alcohol. That version was easier but obviously not healthy. I hope for a new version that regains health, control over alcohol (meaning recovery), and a new life that he can enjoy.
I haven't given up either and if I'm honest, I cannot imagine a time that I will. I have however, reached a point where I understand that I may have to make really difficult decisions and do really heart-wrenching things to save myself, my other son, and hopefully my alcoholic son as well. Not everyone will understand those decisions. Those decisions won't feel good. Those decisions will break me in ways unimaginable. Those decisions will be worse in the short-term. And I still may have to make those decisions and carry them out.
I can't tell you what is right for you and you're family, but I can tell you that it is ok to make hard decisions to save yourself and your children. I can tell you that sometimes love doesn't look the way we thought it would. Staying won't save your husband---he is the only one that can save himself, and he has to want it at least as much as you do. What will happen if you leave? The same thing that will happen if you stay---he'll continue on this path or he won't, and you have no control over it whatsoever.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
"I can handle occasional slips, but it’s the emerging, familiar pattern that I see now that scares and angers me"
Alcoholism is progressive and the pattern of drinking will get worse and worse whether or
not you and your kids have a front row seat to it. You say it's the only bad thing but can
you see how it will become the only thing? The household, your life, your children's lives
will revolve around the mental illness of active alcoholism if you stay and make the choice
to watch him spiral downward, which is devastating on so many levels.
You and your kids will need lots of support. Alanon, alateen,
counseling etc. If you live with it, the second worse thing is to keep it a secret. You and your
kids going to meetings and counseling should be as common as going to a sports practice or
music lessons, etc. There should be books laying around the house about alcoholism and how
families can cope. You and your kids can be helped by alcohol addiction education, what to
expect, and how living with it impacts their self esteem, their confidence, what a healthy
relationship looks like, and most importantly, how it influences their choices in choosing
mates. There is a worldwide organization , and a group on SR for adult
children of alcoholics.
Alcoholism is progressive and the pattern of drinking will get worse and worse whether or
not you and your kids have a front row seat to it. You say it's the only bad thing but can
you see how it will become the only thing? The household, your life, your children's lives
will revolve around the mental illness of active alcoholism if you stay and make the choice
to watch him spiral downward, which is devastating on so many levels.
You and your kids will need lots of support. Alanon, alateen,
counseling etc. If you live with it, the second worse thing is to keep it a secret. You and your
kids going to meetings and counseling should be as common as going to a sports practice or
music lessons, etc. There should be books laying around the house about alcoholism and how
families can cope. You and your kids can be helped by alcohol addiction education, what to
expect, and how living with it impacts their self esteem, their confidence, what a healthy
relationship looks like, and most importantly, how it influences their choices in choosing
mates. There is a worldwide organization , and a group on SR for adult
children of alcoholics.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
As the child of an alcoholic mother and codependent father, I can tell you that the effects of living in a household like this one are not always visible. You may not be able to see the things the children are learning and absorbing about relationships, about boundaries, and about their responsibilities to others and to themselves. This is yet just another thing about the addiction that you cannot control.
In my home, it was important to make sure everyone thought the kids were fine, all of the time, to avoid being another source of conflict in a house where nothing was truly stable. That "pretending everything is okay" was not limited to my family, it wound its way into every aspect of my adult life and took years to untangle.
I know my mother had a disease, I get that. But this isn't a disease for which there is no remedy. People do recover. I also know my father was doing the best he could with what he knew. I also know that he never tried anything except hoping things would improve, and the entire family suffered for it--as much as they did from her drinking and her temper--for years and years. It's easy (and tempting) to place the burden for the dysfunction on the alcoholic, but we had two parents: one who was always focused on herself, and one who was always focused on her, leaving nothing left for the kids in very real ways, even though we always had food on the table and a place to sleep.
In my home, it was important to make sure everyone thought the kids were fine, all of the time, to avoid being another source of conflict in a house where nothing was truly stable. That "pretending everything is okay" was not limited to my family, it wound its way into every aspect of my adult life and took years to untangle.
I know my mother had a disease, I get that. But this isn't a disease for which there is no remedy. People do recover. I also know my father was doing the best he could with what he knew. I also know that he never tried anything except hoping things would improve, and the entire family suffered for it--as much as they did from her drinking and her temper--for years and years. It's easy (and tempting) to place the burden for the dysfunction on the alcoholic, but we had two parents: one who was always focused on herself, and one who was always focused on her, leaving nothing left for the kids in very real ways, even though we always had food on the table and a place to sleep.
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
Just in case it helps to hear this: you don’t have to accept his behavior in your life. You don’t have to accept his patterns in your life.
The operative part of that sentence I think is “in your life.” Unfortunately, as everyone has pointed out, it might not change, he might not change, for the rest of this life. If you want to keep him in your life, then you likely have to accept the behaviors and patterns that come with him. But you don’t owe anyone acceptance of their behaviors or patterns that are harmful for you. Refusing to accept the chaos of him may mean reducing how much of your life he is in, but either option is up to you! You are totally welcome to choose to keep them or not, of course! No matter what makes sense to anyone else. Doesn’t matter. It’s whatever is best for you (and by extension, the children you love and are responsible for!)
This next thing is kind of semantics, but it helped me when I was decided I wanted to begin the “letting go” process. I realized being scared to let my XAH go because of how far he might fall without me was partially infantilizing him. I wasn’t his mother, I was his partner. If I couldn’t trust him to take care of himself, then I didn’t actually think of him or treat him as my equal. I would be so offended if someone did that to me. Will he actually take care of himself? Only time will tell. I’m not naively optimistic about it, but I know I want to give him the respect of believing he’s capable and treating him like he’s capable. Which means not doing the “work” of keeping him safe for him. Same with protecting him from the real repercussions of his actions. Was I hiding how much his addiction and depression/PTSD was affecting me? For a while, yes, of course I was! We were married, and sometimes one partner has more needs than the other, and you kind of “take turns” getting through hardships now and then. But again, I thought about if someone was protecting me from the repercussions of my choices, I’d feel like that was so condescending! Part of the freedom of being a human adult is that I get to make whatever choice I want for my life, so long as I’m willing to own the consequences. That’s free will. It’s scary because the consequences for my XAH’s actions are possibly STEEP. Life-and-death sized risks, massive debt or psychological trauma. Of course I want to protect my loved one from that. But it is his life, no matter how much I disagree with what he may chose to do with it.
That’s a bit of a tangent, but it helped me reframe my “letting go.” I wasn’t giving up on him, I wasn’t sentencing him to failure and despair… I was giving him the respect I would want. (Spoiler alert: most alcoholics/addicts don’t like being treated like adults, as my XAH’s sponsor would say “addicts don’t want to grow up” so they usually don’t like being ‘called on their bluff’ as it were. But at least I know I’m not part of enabling their delusional version of life where they think they can drink forever with no life consequences).
If none of that resonates for you, then please feel free to disregard! Take what works, leave the rest, as they say
The operative part of that sentence I think is “in your life.” Unfortunately, as everyone has pointed out, it might not change, he might not change, for the rest of this life. If you want to keep him in your life, then you likely have to accept the behaviors and patterns that come with him. But you don’t owe anyone acceptance of their behaviors or patterns that are harmful for you. Refusing to accept the chaos of him may mean reducing how much of your life he is in, but either option is up to you! You are totally welcome to choose to keep them or not, of course! No matter what makes sense to anyone else. Doesn’t matter. It’s whatever is best for you (and by extension, the children you love and are responsible for!)
This next thing is kind of semantics, but it helped me when I was decided I wanted to begin the “letting go” process. I realized being scared to let my XAH go because of how far he might fall without me was partially infantilizing him. I wasn’t his mother, I was his partner. If I couldn’t trust him to take care of himself, then I didn’t actually think of him or treat him as my equal. I would be so offended if someone did that to me. Will he actually take care of himself? Only time will tell. I’m not naively optimistic about it, but I know I want to give him the respect of believing he’s capable and treating him like he’s capable. Which means not doing the “work” of keeping him safe for him. Same with protecting him from the real repercussions of his actions. Was I hiding how much his addiction and depression/PTSD was affecting me? For a while, yes, of course I was! We were married, and sometimes one partner has more needs than the other, and you kind of “take turns” getting through hardships now and then. But again, I thought about if someone was protecting me from the repercussions of my choices, I’d feel like that was so condescending! Part of the freedom of being a human adult is that I get to make whatever choice I want for my life, so long as I’m willing to own the consequences. That’s free will. It’s scary because the consequences for my XAH’s actions are possibly STEEP. Life-and-death sized risks, massive debt or psychological trauma. Of course I want to protect my loved one from that. But it is his life, no matter how much I disagree with what he may chose to do with it.
That’s a bit of a tangent, but it helped me reframe my “letting go.” I wasn’t giving up on him, I wasn’t sentencing him to failure and despair… I was giving him the respect I would want. (Spoiler alert: most alcoholics/addicts don’t like being treated like adults, as my XAH’s sponsor would say “addicts don’t want to grow up” so they usually don’t like being ‘called on their bluff’ as it were. But at least I know I’m not part of enabling their delusional version of life where they think they can drink forever with no life consequences).
If none of that resonates for you, then please feel free to disregard! Take what works, leave the rest, as they say
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
I assume you have stood by him, probably for many years, as he "slipped". I think it's important to call things what they are and what this is, is an alcoholic drinking. Drinking is drinking, not a relapse after an extended period of sobriety, he's just drinking as alcoholics do.
It's not hard to make excuses for alcoholics. Their burden is big. They are addicted to a substance, there may be trauma involved in their history, there is shame, anger, distress (sometimes depression and anxiety or other mental issues).
What about you? Who is looking out for you? I'm going to guess the center of your household is your husband and his drinking, all of your lives are touched by it daily, whether that's him being absent as he's drunk or passed out or whether you can't make plans or he isn't available for you or your children. They have an absentee Father and you have an absentee Husband.
Will he ever quit? Maybe, maybe not. I know you hope he does but that's not having an effect and won't.
Why are your older children hesitant to leave? Do they not want to leave their Father or is it just their childhood home? If it's the latter, then perhaps it's time for him to leave for a while. You don't have to leave him alone, you can still be in his life if you like, but you will spare them having to watch him spiral again and again. That tornado will go from the house and make it a haven instead of a place that isn't really safe for feelings or friends.
I think you mentioned he won't leave. Why? Does he not see what this is doing to all of you?
It's not hard to make excuses for alcoholics. Their burden is big. They are addicted to a substance, there may be trauma involved in their history, there is shame, anger, distress (sometimes depression and anxiety or other mental issues).
What about you? Who is looking out for you? I'm going to guess the center of your household is your husband and his drinking, all of your lives are touched by it daily, whether that's him being absent as he's drunk or passed out or whether you can't make plans or he isn't available for you or your children. They have an absentee Father and you have an absentee Husband.
Will he ever quit? Maybe, maybe not. I know you hope he does but that's not having an effect and won't.
Why are your older children hesitant to leave? Do they not want to leave their Father or is it just their childhood home? If it's the latter, then perhaps it's time for him to leave for a while. You don't have to leave him alone, you can still be in his life if you like, but you will spare them having to watch him spiral again and again. That tornado will go from the house and make it a haven instead of a place that isn't really safe for feelings or friends.
I think you mentioned he won't leave. Why? Does he not see what this is doing to all of you?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I am so afraid of what would happen to him. He would be sad, and that would come out as anger, the drinking would spiral, and things would be so much worse. I think I just have to ask God for comfort and count my blessings, wait for a miracle.
I can't really know what will happen or how another person will choose to react/behave if I make a choice to change my life for the better.
I'm sure you're equally afraid about what will happen to you? To the kids? Maybe focus on that fear more instead of the fear of what will happen to him. Protect yourself and the minor children, not the adult alcoholic.
By protect young people I mean: what blueprint are they absorbing from the dynamics of this home environment? As a kid growing up with an A father, I was physically safe overall, but I needed emotional protection and an example from my Mom that SHE was willing to try and change, that she could show us the freedom of how to love someone from a safe distance and not be a martyr, not have her mood be at the whim of his decision to drink, not let the A's self-destruction and addiction be the dominant unhealthy pattern in our home.
My mom's stubborn codependence ultimately really damaged her and her relationships with all her children...my father on the other hand, eventually got sober and recovered and CHANGED, like really grew and made amends and I was able to have a much more genuine experience and closeness with him before he died than I will ever have with my mother who never sought the kind of transformative change that my father did. I would have had enormous respect for my Mom if I'd gotten to see her do the kind of hard work on changing herself that my father did in recovery...that's my fantasy anyway, I can't really know, right? Like I can't really know if my 3 bros would have avoided alcoholism if it had been dealt with differently by my Mom, the sober parent. I can only wish she had tried the tools/choices that are widely talked about on here and are freely available to families of addicts. I can only accept that she did the best she could. Sigh.
Hope is not a plan.
(((((hugs))))) and Peace,
B.
I can't really know what will happen or how another person will choose to react/behave if I make a choice to change my life for the better.
I'm sure you're equally afraid about what will happen to you? To the kids? Maybe focus on that fear more instead of the fear of what will happen to him. Protect yourself and the minor children, not the adult alcoholic.
By protect young people I mean: what blueprint are they absorbing from the dynamics of this home environment? As a kid growing up with an A father, I was physically safe overall, but I needed emotional protection and an example from my Mom that SHE was willing to try and change, that she could show us the freedom of how to love someone from a safe distance and not be a martyr, not have her mood be at the whim of his decision to drink, not let the A's self-destruction and addiction be the dominant unhealthy pattern in our home.
My mom's stubborn codependence ultimately really damaged her and her relationships with all her children...my father on the other hand, eventually got sober and recovered and CHANGED, like really grew and made amends and I was able to have a much more genuine experience and closeness with him before he died than I will ever have with my mother who never sought the kind of transformative change that my father did. I would have had enormous respect for my Mom if I'd gotten to see her do the kind of hard work on changing herself that my father did in recovery...that's my fantasy anyway, I can't really know, right? Like I can't really know if my 3 bros would have avoided alcoholism if it had been dealt with differently by my Mom, the sober parent. I can only wish she had tried the tools/choices that are widely talked about on here and are freely available to families of addicts. I can only accept that she did the best she could. Sigh.
Hope is not a plan.
(((((hugs))))) and Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Olivia.....I would like to underline what SparkleKitty said about the effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent----that the effects are not always visible.
I would add to that----the the effects will become visible---reveal themselves---as the child reaches early adulthood and onward. It can affect all of their relationships with others and, especialy, when they pick partners of their own.
How do we know this? By the words of adults who have gown up in alcoholic homes. I strongly suggest that you could benefit from reading their words. The group that is called "Adult Children of Alcoholics" is a good resource for your edification.
You can get their Big Book and their other literature on amazon.com., and, of course. at any local library. You can google the group meetings on the internet.
The literature is sooo revealing.
Your daughter is at perfect age for alateen meetings.
Remember that you are the Captain of the Ship for your children when it comes to their overall welfare. It is too much responsibility for them to shoulder to make the adult decisions that you should be making. Even if they are "older teens".
You don't want the tail wagging the dog. That is very confusing for all concerned.
I would add to that----the the effects will become visible---reveal themselves---as the child reaches early adulthood and onward. It can affect all of their relationships with others and, especialy, when they pick partners of their own.
How do we know this? By the words of adults who have gown up in alcoholic homes. I strongly suggest that you could benefit from reading their words. The group that is called "Adult Children of Alcoholics" is a good resource for your edification.
You can get their Big Book and their other literature on amazon.com., and, of course. at any local library. You can google the group meetings on the internet.
The literature is sooo revealing.
Your daughter is at perfect age for alateen meetings.
Remember that you are the Captain of the Ship for your children when it comes to their overall welfare. It is too much responsibility for them to shoulder to make the adult decisions that you should be making. Even if they are "older teens".
You don't want the tail wagging the dog. That is very confusing for all concerned.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Yes, you mention here:
What this indicates is they are far too invested in Dad's alcoholism and recovery or non-recovery. Those are adult issues (his issues), they should never have to "worry" about things like that. I know it seems kind of normal in an alcoholic household, it's not.
My Mother was not invested in my Father's alcoholism, her focus was always us (children). We never had it explained to us no excuses were ever made - other than maybe a comment that "your Dad is drunk".
Now, is that perfect? Nope. It can't be perfect, it can't be fixed, not by them, not by you. The fact that it makes your little one sad means she is living with hope that dad will stop - just like you do, but you have adult coping mechanisms, she doesn't.
but I’m starting to think he’ll never be truly sober. I think my older teens have accepted that as truth. My younger teen is saddened by that but we do focus on good things and she enjoys life fir the most part.
My Mother was not invested in my Father's alcoholism, her focus was always us (children). We never had it explained to us no excuses were ever made - other than maybe a comment that "your Dad is drunk".
Now, is that perfect? Nope. It can't be perfect, it can't be fixed, not by them, not by you. The fact that it makes your little one sad means she is living with hope that dad will stop - just like you do, but you have adult coping mechanisms, she doesn't.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Here is a ZOOM for Al-ateen, one I know that is still active. Monday, 8pm EST, Meeting ID: 81403647984, Password: hope
My daughter attends this meeting from time to time and they sent her literature, which lays about her room. I know it is good for her.
Your story is a hard one. And like one of the members eluded to, change is coming for all of us...whether we have an addict or are an addict, or a yellow canary...
My daughter attends this meeting from time to time and they sent her literature, which lays about her room. I know it is good for her.
Your story is a hard one. And like one of the members eluded to, change is coming for all of us...whether we have an addict or are an addict, or a yellow canary...
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I am still dealing with issues from growing up in a family with an alcoholic father and codependent mother, and I'm in my early 60's. I had a great career but when it came to relationships I was clueless.... and there were many repeated failures, including with my lovely ex-wife. I just didn't know what normal was, or what boundaries were, or how to discuss needs and feelings. None of that happened in our house.
Alcoholism in families affects all aspects of the kids ability to have healthy relationships later in life. Especially from the role modeling they see, and desire to appear "normal" to others. Not to mention that staying in the home with your husband removes the penalty he would otherwise face for his continued drinking, so why would he make the effort?
Alcoholism in families affects all aspects of the kids ability to have healthy relationships later in life. Especially from the role modeling they see, and desire to appear "normal" to others. Not to mention that staying in the home with your husband removes the penalty he would otherwise face for his continued drinking, so why would he make the effort?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
OLM, I'm sorry to see you had occasion to come back and see us, but I'm glad you have.
My AXH and I did that same dance for several years. His profound "apologies", with "promises" it would never happen again, and that "this time" it would be different... blah , blah, blah, quack, quack, quack. Me wanting to believe he'd love me, love us, love our marriage, love our kids, enough that he really would stick to it "this time"...it always ended the same way. He could go sober for a few months, to the point I'd start getting a small glimmer of hope, maybe "this time" was THE time....only to have that all ripped away from me with a whiff of vodka on his breath, and then the denial and lies that followed. It was Exhausting. In every sense of the word. It wore me down until very little was left of Me.
I don't regret marrying and having a family with my ex husband. I do regret raising my kids in a home that was constantly doing the alcoholic/codependant tango. Even though I thought I shielded my children from the worst of it, and to an extent I did, I could NOT, nor can ANYONE shield people from the energy/vibes/feelings in the air of a home. My father grew up with that kind of energy around him, he became an alcoholic, married a codependant and they raised my brother and I in that same kind of home...I grew up to be a codependant and married an alcoholic, I raised my kids around those same vibes...my daughter is in her late twenties, despite being fully aware of our family dynamic and knowing all about alcoholism and codependancy issues, almost every man she has every been in a serious relationship with has been an alcoholic. This disease really is the family "gift" that keeps on giving, UNTIL we make the conscious effort to stop passing it on down.
I was really worried about what would happen if I ever left my AXH. He'd conditioned me to think his actual life depended on my being his wife. If I left life wouldn't be worth living and he'd never get by without me etc, He started saying all those things before I even considered leaving. He certainly wanted me to feel like I had to be there, and I certainly allowed myself to think I was integral to his existence. We were putridly enmeshed. However, when I decided the only way I was ever going to regain my health and happiness was to untangle myself from an alcoholic spouse... he did not cease to exist. He remains to this day, drinking until it gets really bad and then has a dry spell, eventually tries to moderate, ramps up again, rinse, wash repeat. The difference is, now I don't have any part to play in any of it.
I will always somewhat grieve for the loss of my first marriage, but I don't regret making the choice to divorce an active alcoholic. It was the hardest most painful thing I have ever done. It was also the wisest. I broke part of the cycle. I didn't stay and keep accepting unacceptable behavior, I had set that example for far to long already. I showed my kids that change is possible. Of course they didn't "like" it (they were 16 and 20 when I left their dad) but at least I was showing them that I had enough self respect to no longer allow myself to be disrespected. No one should keep being repeatedly disrespected to help keep someone else comfortable in their dysfunction. A pattern is a pattern, a cycle is a cycle, it is not a "mistake" if the same bad choices keep being made.
I am sorry your family is experiencing this stuff OLM. Everyone has their own way of dealing with these things, obviously what works for one doesn't always work for another. I hope you find a solution you can live with that works best for you and your family.
Wishing for you strength and serenity as you make your choices going forward.
My AXH and I did that same dance for several years. His profound "apologies", with "promises" it would never happen again, and that "this time" it would be different... blah , blah, blah, quack, quack, quack. Me wanting to believe he'd love me, love us, love our marriage, love our kids, enough that he really would stick to it "this time"...it always ended the same way. He could go sober for a few months, to the point I'd start getting a small glimmer of hope, maybe "this time" was THE time....only to have that all ripped away from me with a whiff of vodka on his breath, and then the denial and lies that followed. It was Exhausting. In every sense of the word. It wore me down until very little was left of Me.
I don't regret marrying and having a family with my ex husband. I do regret raising my kids in a home that was constantly doing the alcoholic/codependant tango. Even though I thought I shielded my children from the worst of it, and to an extent I did, I could NOT, nor can ANYONE shield people from the energy/vibes/feelings in the air of a home. My father grew up with that kind of energy around him, he became an alcoholic, married a codependant and they raised my brother and I in that same kind of home...I grew up to be a codependant and married an alcoholic, I raised my kids around those same vibes...my daughter is in her late twenties, despite being fully aware of our family dynamic and knowing all about alcoholism and codependancy issues, almost every man she has every been in a serious relationship with has been an alcoholic. This disease really is the family "gift" that keeps on giving, UNTIL we make the conscious effort to stop passing it on down.
I was really worried about what would happen if I ever left my AXH. He'd conditioned me to think his actual life depended on my being his wife. If I left life wouldn't be worth living and he'd never get by without me etc, He started saying all those things before I even considered leaving. He certainly wanted me to feel like I had to be there, and I certainly allowed myself to think I was integral to his existence. We were putridly enmeshed. However, when I decided the only way I was ever going to regain my health and happiness was to untangle myself from an alcoholic spouse... he did not cease to exist. He remains to this day, drinking until it gets really bad and then has a dry spell, eventually tries to moderate, ramps up again, rinse, wash repeat. The difference is, now I don't have any part to play in any of it.
I will always somewhat grieve for the loss of my first marriage, but I don't regret making the choice to divorce an active alcoholic. It was the hardest most painful thing I have ever done. It was also the wisest. I broke part of the cycle. I didn't stay and keep accepting unacceptable behavior, I had set that example for far to long already. I showed my kids that change is possible. Of course they didn't "like" it (they were 16 and 20 when I left their dad) but at least I was showing them that I had enough self respect to no longer allow myself to be disrespected. No one should keep being repeatedly disrespected to help keep someone else comfortable in their dysfunction. A pattern is a pattern, a cycle is a cycle, it is not a "mistake" if the same bad choices keep being made.
I am sorry your family is experiencing this stuff OLM. Everyone has their own way of dealing with these things, obviously what works for one doesn't always work for another. I hope you find a solution you can live with that works best for you and your family.
Wishing for you strength and serenity as you make your choices going forward.
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