Partner’s Drinking Has me Lost with no direction
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 6
Partner’s Drinking Has me Lost with no direction
Hi, first of all, apologies for any mistakes I make regarding terminology or anything like that. It’s my first time ever opening up about my current situation so I’m quite nervous actually writing this down for the first time.
I’ve never actually wrote down the situation & my feelings so this is taking a lot from me.
So, as the title says, my partners drinking has me lost & I feel like I’m between a rock & a hard place every single day.
Im 26(M) & have been with my girlfriend (24) for nearly 4 years now & I will admit that I have been an enabler ever since I first noticed the drinking.
When we first started dating everything was sunshine & rainbows (as it always is) & became a couple over the course of a month from our first date. Everything was perfect & I admittedly turned a blind eye to things I can no longer ignore.
Now looking back, On our first few dates I noticed a slight smell of wine on her breath but never paid too much attention to it. I just put it down to an odd perfume.
As the months went on I started noticing a collection of wine bottles stacking up in our room. (We both live together in her parents house so we only really have 1 room for us). I asked her about this stack of empty wine bottles after a few months & she said that they were just bottles that were never cleared out when she used to underage drink with her friends in her room (no biggie, a lot of Irish people do this when they’re young). So after this I didn’t pay too much attention to the wine issue as I thought there was none.
Months/A year goes by & I start to notice more wine bottles, I also start to notice her hiding wine in a water bottle in the bathroom, to which she would frequently visit the bathroom (3 times an hour) and spend roughly 15 minutes in there each time.
I never addressed the elephant in the room as she was going through a difficult time with anxiety & I didn’t want to make her feel worse that she already was.
Then last year, we were due to get some furniture moved into her room & her Father would be In there. It was at this point she came clean she had been drinking & told me (what I thought) was everything. I was extremely understanding & told her I’d help her through everything. Began counselling, helped her clear 300 wine bottles from her room so her Father wouldn’t see. She promised this was the beginning of a new start & I, as a sucker, fell over every word of it.
Not so surprisingly, shortly after the new furniture arrived & her father wouldn’t be in our room, the wine bottles began to pile up again, only this time, hidden very discreetly. I immediately noticed but to this day, haven’t addressed it as I feel lied to & betrayed.
She also began work after lockdowns were lifted & I noticed that she is now bringing a water bottle full of wine to work everyday.
I estimate that she buys 2 bottles of wine every single day & consumes them every day.
She would be considered high functioning as she never lets herself get sloppy & can hold it quite well but I’m able to tell when she’s after polishing off a bottle.
So I’ve been feeling fed up if I’m honest. We wanted to start a family but now I’m having severe second thoughts. Lied to me multiple times & tries to conceal anything to do with alcohol.
We also don’t go out to socialise, like never, & I put this down to her not wanted to risk anything slipping out. I only socially drink & haven’t been out on a social occasion in over 2 years due to her “not feeling up for it”.
Ive seriously considered ending things but I’m terrified. I still deeply care for her but watching this whole thing happen day after day is slowly draining the life out of me. She also has a history with SH & also almost overdosed when her last boyfriend ending their relationship.
I feel like I only realised the extent of the situation once I was 2-3 years into the relationship & I feel that if I get out I will break her heart but also I’m terrified she’ll do something to hurt herself.
Her mother was also an alcoholic for over 20 years & she would frequently tell me stories about how horrible it was for her growing up. I can’t understand how you could go through that & then proceed to repeat the mistakes of her mother?
I guess what I’m asking is what do I do? I feel lost, lonely, scared & that I’m making things worse by not addressing it.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post, I’ve tears in my eyes finally seeing it written down.
I’ve never actually wrote down the situation & my feelings so this is taking a lot from me.
So, as the title says, my partners drinking has me lost & I feel like I’m between a rock & a hard place every single day.
Im 26(M) & have been with my girlfriend (24) for nearly 4 years now & I will admit that I have been an enabler ever since I first noticed the drinking.
When we first started dating everything was sunshine & rainbows (as it always is) & became a couple over the course of a month from our first date. Everything was perfect & I admittedly turned a blind eye to things I can no longer ignore.
Now looking back, On our first few dates I noticed a slight smell of wine on her breath but never paid too much attention to it. I just put it down to an odd perfume.
As the months went on I started noticing a collection of wine bottles stacking up in our room. (We both live together in her parents house so we only really have 1 room for us). I asked her about this stack of empty wine bottles after a few months & she said that they were just bottles that were never cleared out when she used to underage drink with her friends in her room (no biggie, a lot of Irish people do this when they’re young). So after this I didn’t pay too much attention to the wine issue as I thought there was none.
Months/A year goes by & I start to notice more wine bottles, I also start to notice her hiding wine in a water bottle in the bathroom, to which she would frequently visit the bathroom (3 times an hour) and spend roughly 15 minutes in there each time.
I never addressed the elephant in the room as she was going through a difficult time with anxiety & I didn’t want to make her feel worse that she already was.
Then last year, we were due to get some furniture moved into her room & her Father would be In there. It was at this point she came clean she had been drinking & told me (what I thought) was everything. I was extremely understanding & told her I’d help her through everything. Began counselling, helped her clear 300 wine bottles from her room so her Father wouldn’t see. She promised this was the beginning of a new start & I, as a sucker, fell over every word of it.
Not so surprisingly, shortly after the new furniture arrived & her father wouldn’t be in our room, the wine bottles began to pile up again, only this time, hidden very discreetly. I immediately noticed but to this day, haven’t addressed it as I feel lied to & betrayed.
She also began work after lockdowns were lifted & I noticed that she is now bringing a water bottle full of wine to work everyday.
I estimate that she buys 2 bottles of wine every single day & consumes them every day.
She would be considered high functioning as she never lets herself get sloppy & can hold it quite well but I’m able to tell when she’s after polishing off a bottle.
So I’ve been feeling fed up if I’m honest. We wanted to start a family but now I’m having severe second thoughts. Lied to me multiple times & tries to conceal anything to do with alcohol.
We also don’t go out to socialise, like never, & I put this down to her not wanted to risk anything slipping out. I only socially drink & haven’t been out on a social occasion in over 2 years due to her “not feeling up for it”.
Ive seriously considered ending things but I’m terrified. I still deeply care for her but watching this whole thing happen day after day is slowly draining the life out of me. She also has a history with SH & also almost overdosed when her last boyfriend ending their relationship.
I feel like I only realised the extent of the situation once I was 2-3 years into the relationship & I feel that if I get out I will break her heart but also I’m terrified she’ll do something to hurt herself.
Her mother was also an alcoholic for over 20 years & she would frequently tell me stories about how horrible it was for her growing up. I can’t understand how you could go through that & then proceed to repeat the mistakes of her mother?
I guess what I’m asking is what do I do? I feel lost, lonely, scared & that I’m making things worse by not addressing it.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post, I’ve tears in my eyes finally seeing it written down.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Irish, I'm sorry for what has brought you here. It does sound like a serious situation.
This disease is often intergenerational, as it was in my family of origin (FOO). Many of us grow up see this as the norm. My father and my XABF both started drinking at the age of 12.
There is good information in the "stickies" in this forum, and in the reference library.
As to what can you do: heartbreakingly, there is nothing you can do for her. She has to do it. She needs to go through a detox program, become sober, then live in recovery and this is hard, every day work that most alcoholics aren't willing to do.
She might or might not do these things. It is all her choice. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it.
I'd advise you look after yourself. It sounds like you need a place to live. You also might need to look into some therapy or support, to better understand both the disease itself and codependency. And you might need to let this relationship go.
This disease is often intergenerational, as it was in my family of origin (FOO). Many of us grow up see this as the norm. My father and my XABF both started drinking at the age of 12.
There is good information in the "stickies" in this forum, and in the reference library.
As to what can you do: heartbreakingly, there is nothing you can do for her. She has to do it. She needs to go through a detox program, become sober, then live in recovery and this is hard, every day work that most alcoholics aren't willing to do.
She might or might not do these things. It is all her choice. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it.
I'd advise you look after yourself. It sounds like you need a place to live. You also might need to look into some therapy or support, to better understand both the disease itself and codependency. And you might need to let this relationship go.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Hi Irish, glad you found the forum but sorry for what brings you here of course.
First things you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). All else falls to the wayside next to this. Also "high functioning" when describing alcoholism, is just a stage, not a type, alcoholism is progressive if not stopped.
You haven't "enabled" her I don't think, she wants to drink and you accept that, that's not enabling, that's just accepting. Now you have decided you don't want to or can't accept it and that's ok too.
She is a grown woman and if she wants to drink she will, we kind of have to respect that even if it doesn't sit well with us, you know?
She is obviously an alcoholic and I don't know how much you know about addiction but quitting, for her, will very very likely be very difficult. Also, being sober (as in putting down the drinks) is very different from recovery. She will need to (if she wants to) look at how she ended up where she is and address those issues.
I really hope you don't have children with her now. Bringing children in to a relationship where one person is an addict is really - horrible, so I'm glad you recognize that. If you ever weaken on this point, remember the stories she has told you of growing up and apply them to your future children.
I really recommend you read around the forum, many of the threads here will resonate with you, also there are stickies at the top of the forum, starting here is a good place:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Please keep posting, it will be tempting to pull back and not address this, however that is going to hurt you. She will quit drinking the moment she decides to and not a moment before, it is out of your control.
First things you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). All else falls to the wayside next to this. Also "high functioning" when describing alcoholism, is just a stage, not a type, alcoholism is progressive if not stopped.
You haven't "enabled" her I don't think, she wants to drink and you accept that, that's not enabling, that's just accepting. Now you have decided you don't want to or can't accept it and that's ok too.
She is a grown woman and if she wants to drink she will, we kind of have to respect that even if it doesn't sit well with us, you know?
She is obviously an alcoholic and I don't know how much you know about addiction but quitting, for her, will very very likely be very difficult. Also, being sober (as in putting down the drinks) is very different from recovery. She will need to (if she wants to) look at how she ended up where she is and address those issues.
I really hope you don't have children with her now. Bringing children in to a relationship where one person is an addict is really - horrible, so I'm glad you recognize that. If you ever weaken on this point, remember the stories she has told you of growing up and apply them to your future children.
I really recommend you read around the forum, many of the threads here will resonate with you, also there are stickies at the top of the forum, starting here is a good place:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Please keep posting, it will be tempting to pull back and not address this, however that is going to hurt you. She will quit drinking the moment she decides to and not a moment before, it is out of your control.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by sage1969 
Irish, I'm sorry for what has brought you here. It does sound like a serious situation.
This disease is often intergenerational, as it was in my family of origin (FOO). Many of us grow up see this as the norm. My father and my XABF both started drinking at the age of 12.
There is good information in the "stickies" in this forum, and in the reference library.
As to what can you do: heartbreakingly, there is nothing you can do for her. She has to do it. She needs to go through a detox program, become sober, then live in recovery and this is hard, every day work that most alcoholics aren't willing to do.
She might or might not do these things. It is all her choice. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it.
I'd advise you look after yourself. It sounds like you need a place to live. You also might need to look into some therapy or support, to better understand both the disease itself and codependency. And you might need to let this relationship go.
This disease is often intergenerational, as it was in my family of origin (FOO). Many of us grow up see this as the norm. My father and my XABF both started drinking at the age of 12.
There is good information in the "stickies" in this forum, and in the reference library.
As to what can you do: heartbreakingly, there is nothing you can do for her. She has to do it. She needs to go through a detox program, become sober, then live in recovery and this is hard, every day work that most alcoholics aren't willing to do.
She might or might not do these things. It is all her choice. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it.
I'd advise you look after yourself. It sounds like you need a place to live. You also might need to look into some therapy or support, to better understand both the disease itself and codependency. And you might need to let this relationship go.
I do definitely need to familiarise myself with all aspects of AUD, where it stems, cognitive affects, family history & all that stuff.
To be honest I’ve been very overwhelmed with the whole situation & to be frank, I’ve been scared to get a fully understand.
The hardest thing has been her looking me in the eye & saying she’s over it & not to worry because it’s not a problem anymore, only for it to raise its head a few weeks later.
I’ll have a read through the stickies & check out all the resources.
I’m glad I finally got it off my chest & I think the most difficult part to come to terms with will be that there’s nothing I can do, & the decision to stop has to come from her.
Thank you again for your response, I’m glad to finally be able to discuss openly!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi Irish, glad you found the forum but sorry for what brings you here of course.
First things you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). All else falls to the wayside next to this. Also "high functioning" when describing alcoholism, is just a stage, not a type, alcoholism is progressive if not stopped.
You haven't "enabled" her I don't think, she wants to drink and you accept that, that's not enabling, that's just accepting. Now you have decided you don't want to or can't accept it and that's ok too.
She is a grown woman and if she wants to drink she will, we kind of have to respect that even if it doesn't sit well with us, you know?
She is obviously an alcoholic and I don't know how much you know about addiction but quitting, for her, will very very likely be very difficult. Also, being sober (as in putting down the drinks) is very different from recovery. She will need to (if she wants to) look at how she ended up where she is and address those issues.
I really hope you don't have children with her now. Bringing children in to a relationship where one person is an addict is really - horrible, so I'm glad you recognize that. If you ever weaken on this point, remember the stories she has told you of growing up and apply them to your future children.
I really recommend you read around the forum, many of the threads here will resonate with you, also there are stickies at the top of the forum, starting here is a good place
Please keep posting, it will be tempting to pull back and not address this, however that is going to hurt you. She will quit drinking the moment she decides to and not a moment before, it is out of your control.
First things you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). All else falls to the wayside next to this. Also "high functioning" when describing alcoholism, is just a stage, not a type, alcoholism is progressive if not stopped.
You haven't "enabled" her I don't think, she wants to drink and you accept that, that's not enabling, that's just accepting. Now you have decided you don't want to or can't accept it and that's ok too.
She is a grown woman and if she wants to drink she will, we kind of have to respect that even if it doesn't sit well with us, you know?
She is obviously an alcoholic and I don't know how much you know about addiction but quitting, for her, will very very likely be very difficult. Also, being sober (as in putting down the drinks) is very different from recovery. She will need to (if she wants to) look at how she ended up where she is and address those issues.
I really hope you don't have children with her now. Bringing children in to a relationship where one person is an addict is really - horrible, so I'm glad you recognize that. If you ever weaken on this point, remember the stories she has told you of growing up and apply them to your future children.
I really recommend you read around the forum, many of the threads here will resonate with you, also there are stickies at the top of the forum, starting here is a good place
Please keep posting, it will be tempting to pull back and not address this, however that is going to hurt you. She will quit drinking the moment she decides to and not a moment before, it is out of your control.
I do have a sense of guilt over the whole thing over not calling it out when I noticed sooner. I’ve let it build up & build up & turned a blind eye due to the selfish reasoning of its easier that an argument.
On top of how the drinking is making me feel I’m also very concerned over what two bottles of wine a day is doing to her body & what the future health implications may be.
I do keep playing over her childhood stories regarding her mother drinking & they do touch a nerve because it looks like the same sequence of events repeating itself years later.
I have kind of made the decision to end the relationship in the not so distant future but I’m terrified that if I end it, it will push her deeper in AUD, depression & something deeper.
I still have a heart full of love for her but my own existence feels miserable at the moment & it’s pushed me to the view of being selfish & doing the best for myself but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m letting her down or breaking her heart.
Thank you again for your thoughts, the conversation means the world to me at the moment
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by LostIrishSoul
I do have a sense of guilt over the whole thing over not calling it out when I noticed sooner. I’ve let it build up & build up & turned a blind eye due to the selfish reasoning of its easier that an argument.
But here's the thing, you have nothing to be guilty about. It's her behavior and her drinking. Not yours. Her choices. What good will calling her out do? You haven't done it yet -- why not? I suspect it's because you think she might have something less than kind to say if you did or that it won't end in the result you want. So there's no reason to feel guilt over something you cannot control.
Originally Posted by LostIrishSoul
On top of how the drinking is making me feel I’m also very concerned over what two bottles of wine a day is doing to her body & what the future health implications may be.
I made the decision to leave my XABF (yes, alcholics in my FOO, I'm an addict, my AH was an addict, my XABF was an alcoholic; there is a pattern here) after 1 1/2 years because I could see the progression, the increased intake, the increased physical symptoms, daily blackouts, nothing good could come of it. I told him why I was leaving, that alcohol came first and there was no room for me. He said there was nothing he could think to say to that. So, another choice made.
Originally Posted by LostIrishSoul
I have kind of made the decision to end the relationship in the not so distant future but I’m terrified that if I end it, it will push her deeper in AUD, depression & something deeper.
My AH passed away with multiple substances in his body. He completed suicide. He threatened multiple times to take me with him. He threatened multiple times that if I did not do what he wanted, he would kill himself. In the end, I came to terms with all these choices, they were his, not mine. Not mine.
She may have a difficult time, she might not; that is not up to you. You cannot stop this disease, only she can, if she stops drinking.
Some people have staged an intercession / intervention with therapists and detox centers. I'm not certain that will at all be helpful unless she wants it.
Originally Posted by LostIrishSoul
I still have a heart full of love for her but my own existence feels miserable at the moment & it’s pushed me to the view of being selfish & doing the best for myself but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m letting her down or breaking her heart.
Originally Posted by LostIrishSoul
Thank you again for your thoughts, the conversation means the world to me at the moment
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
You know, there is a saying here - let go or be dragged. Alcoholism affects everyone around it, not just the alcoholic, as you now know all too well.
I don't see a reason for guilt here, although I do understand why you feel bad. She cares about you, you care about her, but (another saying around here) you don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
You are thinking now of looking out for yourself and that's not a bad thing, we all need to/should do that. Focus on yourself, what you need, what makes you happy, what your interests are in life these things are all really important. Currently her focus is alcohol and unfortunately yours is too. It's a tough task master but not one you need to take on.
You have been with her for some time, she hasn't sought any help for her alcoholism, there really isn't anything you can do about that. Maybe think of it this way, you have a problem with her drinking, she doesn't.
Yes, if you leave she will probably be hurt, will it increase her drinking or unhappiness, perhaps, but that can't be your responsibility. Short of tying her to a chair and forcing her to drink, you aren't responsible for her drinking. To overcome this she will need professional help.
You have never known who she is sober and at this point maybe she doesn't even know who that is either. Leaving the relationship will perhaps be tough, it doesn't mean you don't care about her or even love her.
I don't see a reason for guilt here, although I do understand why you feel bad. She cares about you, you care about her, but (another saying around here) you don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
You are thinking now of looking out for yourself and that's not a bad thing, we all need to/should do that. Focus on yourself, what you need, what makes you happy, what your interests are in life these things are all really important. Currently her focus is alcohol and unfortunately yours is too. It's a tough task master but not one you need to take on.
You have been with her for some time, she hasn't sought any help for her alcoholism, there really isn't anything you can do about that. Maybe think of it this way, you have a problem with her drinking, she doesn't.
Yes, if you leave she will probably be hurt, will it increase her drinking or unhappiness, perhaps, but that can't be your responsibility. Short of tying her to a chair and forcing her to drink, you aren't responsible for her drinking. To overcome this she will need professional help.
You have never known who she is sober and at this point maybe she doesn't even know who that is either. Leaving the relationship will perhaps be tough, it doesn't mean you don't care about her or even love her.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
Hi LostIrishSoul,
I'm so sorry for what brings you here. My heart goes out to you because I recently walked in your shoes and I would not wish this walk on anyone. There are tools you can learn to help keep yourself mentally and physically healthy while you assess your situation and decide how to proceed. A couple of things you said jumped out at me as similar to my own situation with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend so I thought I would just mention them here if in any way they are helpful and make you feel less alone. They may not be, so ignore!
You mentioned that on your first few dates, you noticed a slight smell of wine on her breath but never paid too much attention to it or put it down to an odd perfume. It's so funny, I don't drink so on my first few dates I found it odd that my ex-boyfriend was constantly chewing gum and also wore a "Whiskey made me do it" t-shirt. Being naive to alcohol and alcohol use disorder (I'm a runner and when I binge it's on chocolate), I just thought, "Oh, he really likes spearmint gum" and "that's an interesting t-shirt." I beat myself up now because if I had known that he needs to chew gum pretty much 24/7 to mask alcohol on his breath and that he was basically telling the world what he then proceeded to tell me over the next year (that "whiskey made [him] do it"), I could have spared myself a lot of agony.
But I don't beat myself up over that. Now I know and if someone is a compulsive gum chewer or wears alcohol-related t-shirts in the future (or, thanks to you, has a weird perfume smell ), I'm going to proceed with exceptional caution until I find out the truth. Please don't blame yourself -- but just now you know, you know? So we both learned something. This was a learning experience.
Sage above said that your partner loves alcohol most of all and there is not much room after that. Someone said that to me almost a year ago on the forum and it hurt me at the time when I read it -- I distinctly remember feeling tears pop into my eyes -- but I'm so glad because it also shortened my recovery from him, too. My ex does love alcohol more right now. And it's been a year since we broke up almost and I can tell from social media that he is still loving alcohol more than anything. I recently saw a photo of him with his new girlfriend who was wearing a Budweiser shirt -- drinks in both of their hands. So he moved to someone that he could drink with. Because he cannot give up alcohol. This is not personal to you. It is just what alcoholics do. They drink. And if there is anything that will get in the way of that, then they will either stay with you and lie; or, they will go with someone who drinks as well so they don't have to lie. After he lied to me a few times and I (finally) caught on, he then moved on to someone who drinks as much as he does so he doesn't need to lie to her. I did at first but I no longer take this personally. He would have done the same thing to any girl who doesn't drink.
Again, I'm sorry for what brings you here because I know your pain. it's gut-wrenching, especially when you love them so. My heart goes out to you. You don't deserve this and it's not your fault. But please know you also can't control this and you most certainly can't cure it. She has to do it on her own. And until she is ready to, she won't. I spent several months trying to "help" (control) my ex-boyfriend. I thought I could be the one to help him (even though so many others had tried) because I was special and because I knew he loved me so very much. He didn't get better and I got so much worse.
I'm so sorry for what brings you here. My heart goes out to you because I recently walked in your shoes and I would not wish this walk on anyone. There are tools you can learn to help keep yourself mentally and physically healthy while you assess your situation and decide how to proceed. A couple of things you said jumped out at me as similar to my own situation with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend so I thought I would just mention them here if in any way they are helpful and make you feel less alone. They may not be, so ignore!
You mentioned that on your first few dates, you noticed a slight smell of wine on her breath but never paid too much attention to it or put it down to an odd perfume. It's so funny, I don't drink so on my first few dates I found it odd that my ex-boyfriend was constantly chewing gum and also wore a "Whiskey made me do it" t-shirt. Being naive to alcohol and alcohol use disorder (I'm a runner and when I binge it's on chocolate), I just thought, "Oh, he really likes spearmint gum" and "that's an interesting t-shirt." I beat myself up now because if I had known that he needs to chew gum pretty much 24/7 to mask alcohol on his breath and that he was basically telling the world what he then proceeded to tell me over the next year (that "whiskey made [him] do it"), I could have spared myself a lot of agony.
But I don't beat myself up over that. Now I know and if someone is a compulsive gum chewer or wears alcohol-related t-shirts in the future (or, thanks to you, has a weird perfume smell ), I'm going to proceed with exceptional caution until I find out the truth. Please don't blame yourself -- but just now you know, you know? So we both learned something. This was a learning experience.Sage above said that your partner loves alcohol most of all and there is not much room after that. Someone said that to me almost a year ago on the forum and it hurt me at the time when I read it -- I distinctly remember feeling tears pop into my eyes -- but I'm so glad because it also shortened my recovery from him, too. My ex does love alcohol more right now. And it's been a year since we broke up almost and I can tell from social media that he is still loving alcohol more than anything. I recently saw a photo of him with his new girlfriend who was wearing a Budweiser shirt -- drinks in both of their hands. So he moved to someone that he could drink with. Because he cannot give up alcohol. This is not personal to you. It is just what alcoholics do. They drink. And if there is anything that will get in the way of that, then they will either stay with you and lie; or, they will go with someone who drinks as well so they don't have to lie. After he lied to me a few times and I (finally) caught on, he then moved on to someone who drinks as much as he does so he doesn't need to lie to her. I did at first but I no longer take this personally. He would have done the same thing to any girl who doesn't drink.
Again, I'm sorry for what brings you here because I know your pain. it's gut-wrenching, especially when you love them so. My heart goes out to you. You don't deserve this and it's not your fault. But please know you also can't control this and you most certainly can't cure it. She has to do it on her own. And until she is ready to, she won't. I spent several months trying to "help" (control) my ex-boyfriend. I thought I could be the one to help him (even though so many others had tried) because I was special and because I knew he loved me so very much. He didn't get better and I got so much worse.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by sage1969
It's really common to ignore behaviors in order to keep the peace -- as a child I became very good at not doing anything that would set off my father, and as an adult, I ignored all the behaviors of my XABF.
But here's the thing, you have nothing to be guilty about. It's her behavior and her drinking. Not yours. Her choices. What good will calling her out do? You haven't done it yet -- why not? I suspect it's because you think she might have something less than kind to say if you did or that it won't end in the result you want. So there's no reason to feel guilt over something you cannot control.
Unless she is able to become sober and work an active recovery, the alcohol will destroy her body. There are many in this forum who've had spouses pass from this disease.
I made the decision to leave my XABF (yes, alcholics in my FOO, I'm an addict, my AH was an addict, my XABF was an alcoholic; there is a pattern here) after 1 1/2 years because I could see the progression, the increased intake, the increased physical symptoms, daily blackouts, nothing good could come of it. I told him why I was leaving, that alcohol came first and there was no room for me. He said there was nothing he could think to say to that. So, another choice made.
Whatever decision you make, you will have to think about what will be a healthy choice for you. You cannot make decisions based on what might or might be good for an active alcoholic. They will not be making choices based on your best interest, I can assure you that.
My AH passed away with multiple substances in his body. He completed suicide. He threatened multiple times to take me with him. He threatened multiple times that if I did not do what he wanted, he would kill himself. In the end, I came to terms with all these choices, they were his, not mine. Not mine.
She may have a difficult time, she might not; that is not up to you. You cannot stop this disease, only she can, if she stops drinking.
Some people have staged an intercession / intervention with therapists and detox centers. I'm not certain that will at all be helpful unless she wants it.
I really hate to say this, but she loves alcohol most of all. There is not much room left after that. She will choose alcohol over you every time. I'm so sorry.
In this forum, we have all walked in your shoes. Please keep reaching out.
But here's the thing, you have nothing to be guilty about. It's her behavior and her drinking. Not yours. Her choices. What good will calling her out do? You haven't done it yet -- why not? I suspect it's because you think she might have something less than kind to say if you did or that it won't end in the result you want. So there's no reason to feel guilt over something you cannot control.
Unless she is able to become sober and work an active recovery, the alcohol will destroy her body. There are many in this forum who've had spouses pass from this disease.
I made the decision to leave my XABF (yes, alcholics in my FOO, I'm an addict, my AH was an addict, my XABF was an alcoholic; there is a pattern here) after 1 1/2 years because I could see the progression, the increased intake, the increased physical symptoms, daily blackouts, nothing good could come of it. I told him why I was leaving, that alcohol came first and there was no room for me. He said there was nothing he could think to say to that. So, another choice made.
Whatever decision you make, you will have to think about what will be a healthy choice for you. You cannot make decisions based on what might or might be good for an active alcoholic. They will not be making choices based on your best interest, I can assure you that.
My AH passed away with multiple substances in his body. He completed suicide. He threatened multiple times to take me with him. He threatened multiple times that if I did not do what he wanted, he would kill himself. In the end, I came to terms with all these choices, they were his, not mine. Not mine.
She may have a difficult time, she might not; that is not up to you. You cannot stop this disease, only she can, if she stops drinking.
Some people have staged an intercession / intervention with therapists and detox centers. I'm not certain that will at all be helpful unless she wants it.
I really hate to say this, but she loves alcohol most of all. There is not much room left after that. She will choose alcohol over you every time. I'm so sorry.
In this forum, we have all walked in your shoes. Please keep reaching out.
Keep it bottled up for so long, constantly playing over every scenario in my head has taken its toll. Hearing viewpoints from others who have gone through it is sincerely helping.
Even though I know AUD is(unfortunately) a disease many people go through, I have felt like the only person in the world (if that makes sense).
in Ireland, Drinking is the complete norm & if someone excessively drinks it’s put down to they just enjoy the occasional 1/2/3. Very rarely have I personally seen AUD appropriately addressed.
I’m very sorry to hear about the situations you’ve been in & the passing of an Ex but I do thank you for sharing.
It highlights to me that, now, it may be a bottle of wine, tomorrow, it could be 10x magnified.
Ive read many a times that the AH chooses alcohol every time but i find it soooo hard to comprehend that someone could chose a substance over a person? That’s my naivety coming through but from my reading of the forums & stuff it appears an all too common occurrence.
These words of encouragement & support mean a lot to me, especially when I feel in a point of such isolation.
It’s a tough road & from where I’m standing the only two paths I can see is to leave or to hang around & wait until she drinks herself into an early grave.
- Just a note on your post I saw regarding relationships, I fully understand what you were saying there & I’m 100% guilty of jumping straight in with the first person & not ‘doing the research’ per say
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by trailmix
You know, there is a saying here - let go or be dragged. Alcoholism affects everyone around it, not just the alcoholic, as you now know all too well.
I don't see a reason for guilt here, although I do understand why you feel bad. She cares about you, you care about her, but (another saying around here) you don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
You are thinking now of looking out for yourself and that's not a bad thing, we all need to/should do that. Focus on yourself, what you need, what makes you happy, what your interests are in life these things are all really important. Currently her focus is alcohol and unfortunately yours is too. It's a tough task master but not one you need to take on.
You have been with her for some time, she hasn't sought any help for her alcoholism, there really isn't anything you can do about that. Maybe think of it this way, you have a problem with her drinking, she doesn't.
Yes, if you leave she will probably be hurt, will it increase her drinking or unhappiness, perhaps, but that can't be your responsibility. Short of tying her to a chair and forcing her to drink, you aren't responsible for her drinking. To overcome this she will need professional help.
You have never known who she is sober and at this point maybe she doesn't even know who that is either. Leaving the relationship will perhaps be tough, it doesn't mean you don't care about her or even love her.
I don't see a reason for guilt here, although I do understand why you feel bad. She cares about you, you care about her, but (another saying around here) you don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
You are thinking now of looking out for yourself and that's not a bad thing, we all need to/should do that. Focus on yourself, what you need, what makes you happy, what your interests are in life these things are all really important. Currently her focus is alcohol and unfortunately yours is too. It's a tough task master but not one you need to take on.
You have been with her for some time, she hasn't sought any help for her alcoholism, there really isn't anything you can do about that. Maybe think of it this way, you have a problem with her drinking, she doesn't.
Yes, if you leave she will probably be hurt, will it increase her drinking or unhappiness, perhaps, but that can't be your responsibility. Short of tying her to a chair and forcing her to drink, you aren't responsible for her drinking. To overcome this she will need professional help.
You have never known who she is sober and at this point maybe she doesn't even know who that is either. Leaving the relationship will perhaps be tough, it doesn't mean you don't care about her or even love her.
Technically I do have a drinking problem as her drinking has become my problem. A problem I’m trying to solve from the outside which, as you, can only be helped when someone wants to be helped.
The more I think about it, there more I’m realising that in nearly our 4 years together, I probably have never seen her 100% sober for more than a day or two. Wow, that one right there hurts. It’s hurts deep & realising that in 4 years together she could probably count on 1 hand how many days she’s been completely sober.
It’s makes you think that sure the whole relationship has been built on false premises. So many happy times upon reflection are tainted by this devilish, slightly yellow, substance.
I knew opening up on this wasn’t going to be easy but the few comments I’ve had here have made me realise a few things I had never through of myself & for that I thank you.
it’s hard to hear but it’s definitely needed & I appreciate the kind works of support Trailmix, sincerely.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by OKRunner
Hi LostIrishSoul,
I'm so sorry for what brings you here. My heart goes out to you because I recently walked in your shoes and I would not wish this walk on anyone. There are tools you can learn to help keep yourself mentally and physically healthy while you assess your situation and decide how to proceed. A couple of things you said jumped out at me as similar to my own situation with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend so I thought I would just mention them here if in any way they are helpful and make you feel less alone. They may not be, so ignore!
You mentioned that on your first few dates, you noticed a slight smell of wine on her breath but never paid too much attention to it or put it down to an odd perfume. It's so funny, I don't drink so on my first few dates I found it odd that my ex-boyfriend was constantly chewing gum and also wore a "Whiskey made me do it" t-shirt. Being naive to alcohol and alcohol use disorder (I'm a runner and when I binge it's on chocolate), I just thought, "Oh, he really likes spearmint gum" and "that's an interesting t-shirt." I beat myself up now because if I had known that he needs to chew gum pretty much 24/7 to mask alcohol on his breath and that he was basically telling the world what he then proceeded to tell me over the next year (that "whiskey made [him] do it"), I could have spared myself a lot of agony. But I don't beat myself up over that. Now I know and if someone is a compulsive gum chewer or wears alcohol-related t-shirts in the future (or, thanks to you, has a weird perfume smell ), I'm going to proceed with exceptional caution until I find out the truth. Please don't blame yourself -- but just now you know, you know? So we both learned something. This was a learning experience.
Sage above said that your partner loves alcohol most of all and there is not much room after that. Someone said that to me almost a year ago on the forum and it hurt me at the time when I read it -- I distinctly remember feeling tears pop into my eyes -- but I'm so glad because it also shortened my recovery from him, too. My ex does love alcohol more right now. And it's been a year since we broke up almost and I can tell from social media that he is still loving alcohol more than anything. I recently saw a photo of him with his new girlfriend who was wearing a Budweiser shirt -- drinks in both of their hands. So he moved to someone that he could drink with. Because he cannot give up alcohol. This is not personal to you. It is just what alcoholics do. They drink. And if there is anything that will get in the way of that, then they will either stay with you and lie; or, they will go with someone who drinks as well so they don't have to lie. After he lied to me a few times and I (finally) caught on, he then moved on to someone who drinks as much as he does so he doesn't need to lie to her. I did at first but I no longer take this personally. He would have done the same thing to any girl who doesn't drink.
Again, I'm sorry for what brings you here because I know your pain. it's gut-wrenching, especially when you love them so. My heart goes out to you. You don't deserve this and it's not your fault. But please know you also can't control this and you most certainly can't cure it. She has to do it on her own. And until she is ready to, she won't. I spent several months trying to "help" (control) my ex-boyfriend. I thought I could be the one to help him (even though so many others had tried) because I was special and because I knew he loved me so very much. He didn't get better and I got so much worse.
I'm so sorry for what brings you here. My heart goes out to you because I recently walked in your shoes and I would not wish this walk on anyone. There are tools you can learn to help keep yourself mentally and physically healthy while you assess your situation and decide how to proceed. A couple of things you said jumped out at me as similar to my own situation with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend so I thought I would just mention them here if in any way they are helpful and make you feel less alone. They may not be, so ignore!
You mentioned that on your first few dates, you noticed a slight smell of wine on her breath but never paid too much attention to it or put it down to an odd perfume. It's so funny, I don't drink so on my first few dates I found it odd that my ex-boyfriend was constantly chewing gum and also wore a "Whiskey made me do it" t-shirt. Being naive to alcohol and alcohol use disorder (I'm a runner and when I binge it's on chocolate), I just thought, "Oh, he really likes spearmint gum" and "that's an interesting t-shirt." I beat myself up now because if I had known that he needs to chew gum pretty much 24/7 to mask alcohol on his breath and that he was basically telling the world what he then proceeded to tell me over the next year (that "whiskey made [him] do it"), I could have spared myself a lot of agony.
But I don't beat myself up over that. Now I know and if someone is a compulsive gum chewer or wears alcohol-related t-shirts in the future (or, thanks to you, has a weird perfume smell ), I'm going to proceed with exceptional caution until I find out the truth. Please don't blame yourself -- but just now you know, you know? So we both learned something. This was a learning experience.Sage above said that your partner loves alcohol most of all and there is not much room after that. Someone said that to me almost a year ago on the forum and it hurt me at the time when I read it -- I distinctly remember feeling tears pop into my eyes -- but I'm so glad because it also shortened my recovery from him, too. My ex does love alcohol more right now. And it's been a year since we broke up almost and I can tell from social media that he is still loving alcohol more than anything. I recently saw a photo of him with his new girlfriend who was wearing a Budweiser shirt -- drinks in both of their hands. So he moved to someone that he could drink with. Because he cannot give up alcohol. This is not personal to you. It is just what alcoholics do. They drink. And if there is anything that will get in the way of that, then they will either stay with you and lie; or, they will go with someone who drinks as well so they don't have to lie. After he lied to me a few times and I (finally) caught on, he then moved on to someone who drinks as much as he does so he doesn't need to lie to her. I did at first but I no longer take this personally. He would have done the same thing to any girl who doesn't drink.
Again, I'm sorry for what brings you here because I know your pain. it's gut-wrenching, especially when you love them so. My heart goes out to you. You don't deserve this and it's not your fault. But please know you also can't control this and you most certainly can't cure it. She has to do it on her own. And until she is ready to, she won't. I spent several months trying to "help" (control) my ex-boyfriend. I thought I could be the one to help him (even though so many others had tried) because I was special and because I knew he loved me so very much. He didn't get better and I got so much worse.
Wow, I almost thought I was crazy thinking I smelt wine on her breath. Surely she wouldn’t have had a drink before we go for a coffee & a walk? Oh how naive I was.
The constant having a packet of spearmint chewing gum on them at all times? Yep you can chevk that one off my list aswell.
the most upsetting thing is that I’ve since abandoned all my favourite hobbies since we’ve been together as she never had any interest.
I live in ireland & quite close to a few good mountainous trail areas, I use to love even going for walks on the weekend or evenings but haven’t gone near them in nearly two years as it’s not something that interests her.
As someone who is a very very rare drinker, like yourself, I was Almost completely unaware of AUD until it came knocking at my own front door.
im sorry to hear about what you went through with your ex but I thank you for sharing. It has helped me understand that there is light at the other end of the tunnel. No matter how long the tunnel is.
Do you mind me asking how the separation process went? Was it amicable or was there plenty of bickering & dragged out or once it was over it was over?
Thanks again & I appreciate all the support!
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Irish,
It can really be hard to process everything. You seem to be handling all this pretty well so far, but do remember to be kind to yourself, and to keep talking. It really does help especially in the beginning.
I grew up in a north European country where drinking is assumed, part of the culture. No one thought about why I was out all night, nor thought to check up on me if I wasn't in class, and I lost many of my coming of age memories to blackouts. It took me a long time to realise I couldn't drink anymore, couldn't use any of the addictions I had, but it was this last relationship with XABF that really forced me to look hard at my worst addiction of codependency.
It is a tough road for you, and I'm sorry, but you are pretty spot on: you can leave or stay, what she does is what she does and you cannot change that.
Your original post (OP) had me thinking about how I'd thought about relationships my entire life. I think we all help each other grow. So thank you, Irish, for giving me some reflection on my own habits.
You said something about how often you'd seen your girlfriend sober in 4 years. It is something to think about, the her sober and her not sober, two different people. My wakeup call was that my XABF proposed, but it was during a blackout and he didn't remember it the next day. And I realised he did not remember much of our relationship. And I decided I couldn't be that alone in a relationship, where he never remembered me the next day, where essentially I never existed.
Every time I get involved in a codependent relationship, I lose myself. I lose the things I'd loved to do, I lose my artistic talents. I'm to the point now where I'm rebuilding my life and consciously thinking about each relationship I add, each friendship, each thing I do. I think that's what we codies do, we lose ourselves in attempting to keep others happy.
Perhaps it's time you reconnect with nature, the places you used to spend time. There's nothing more grounding than reconnecting with Earth, nothing that reminds us more our purpose for being than reconnecting with Earth.
It can really be hard to process everything. You seem to be handling all this pretty well so far, but do remember to be kind to yourself, and to keep talking. It really does help especially in the beginning.
I grew up in a north European country where drinking is assumed, part of the culture. No one thought about why I was out all night, nor thought to check up on me if I wasn't in class, and I lost many of my coming of age memories to blackouts. It took me a long time to realise I couldn't drink anymore, couldn't use any of the addictions I had, but it was this last relationship with XABF that really forced me to look hard at my worst addiction of codependency.
It is a tough road for you, and I'm sorry, but you are pretty spot on: you can leave or stay, what she does is what she does and you cannot change that.
Your original post (OP) had me thinking about how I'd thought about relationships my entire life. I think we all help each other grow. So thank you, Irish, for giving me some reflection on my own habits.
You said something about how often you'd seen your girlfriend sober in 4 years. It is something to think about, the her sober and her not sober, two different people. My wakeup call was that my XABF proposed, but it was during a blackout and he didn't remember it the next day. And I realised he did not remember much of our relationship. And I decided I couldn't be that alone in a relationship, where he never remembered me the next day, where essentially I never existed.
Every time I get involved in a codependent relationship, I lose myself. I lose the things I'd loved to do, I lose my artistic talents. I'm to the point now where I'm rebuilding my life and consciously thinking about each relationship I add, each friendship, each thing I do. I think that's what we codies do, we lose ourselves in attempting to keep others happy.
Perhaps it's time you reconnect with nature, the places you used to spend time. There's nothing more grounding than reconnecting with Earth, nothing that reminds us more our purpose for being than reconnecting with Earth.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
IrishSoul,
You said, "Surely she wouldn't have had a drink before we go for a coffee and a walk?" Oh my goodness, how many times I said that to myself, disbelieving what I knew to be true! I love coffee. I love going on walks. I love running. I love playing with my dog. These are all things he would need a couple of (okay, many) shots before he could do. I knew that was what was going on but I actually didn't believe it until I finally (please don't laugh, but I) hid outside the bathroom window and watched him get ready to go on a 15 minute walk with me and the dog. He took four shots. To go on a walk with me and the dog. That was when I finally let myself believe what I had known all along.
Some other funny things that I am now able to see. (I knew them before, but I wouldn't let myself come to terms with them.) But say I went running (and we live in the south/central part of the U.S. where it is very hot and very humid so even a quick run makes you all sweaty and my normal six miler makes me really sweaty). So I'd come back from running and be all sweaty. He's a carpenter so he'd be working on the house outside in 95F and 100% humidity, so he'd be all sweaty. When you have two equally sweaty people, what's a quick hug? Nothing in my book. I've hugged co-workers after both of us having finished a marathon. I've hugged friends after both of us finishing a double century (a 200-mile bike ride). No biggie in my book, it's what comes with exercise and being outdoorsy. But he would be very, very polite and simply look at me, total misery and shame on his face, and step back and say he was "dirty." One time, when he was maybe a fifth in and I knew he had no filter, I asked him. He admitted to me he didn't want me to smell alcohol in his sweat. He said his ex-girlfriend always used to complain about the way he smelled because of his drinking. The funny thing is that he was so high functioning and so careful about that now (probably because of what his ex said to him) that he actually always smelled like soap to me. I think he must have showered maybe three times a day so that he would always smell like soap? It broke my heart. But, now I know.
I too abandoned my favorite hobbies. My ex didn't run, hike, jog, bike. He didn't like going to coffee shops. He didn't like to go to the lake and throw stones, or go fishing, or go on a drive in the country. I love to travel and he couldn't (because he had little money because he missed work a lot due to going on benders.) He really couldn't do anything because I think that would take him away from the bottle and/or he didn't have enough money to do anything because he spent too much time on the bottle. So I gave up all the things I loved.
I promise you that there is so much light at the end of the tunnel. Some days it seems long but you will progress through that tunnel if you just take care of yourself and do the things that you need to do to make yourself happy and healthy.
You asked how the separation process went. The separation process technically/physically was relatively easy because we were not married, had no children, the dogs were mine before I met him, and we both had our own places. I basically said it's alcohol or me, and he chose alcohol without saying so (meaning he went on a week-long bender the evening after I said that), and that was it. Emotionally I struggled for months and months, heartbroken that someone I knew who loved me very much prioritized alcohol over me. I literally cried into my pillow for months. I live in a very small college town and, this summer, for example, with all of the students, gone, it's just a few locals like me (a faculty member) and him (a carpenter). So I'd see him frequently at the hardware store or at the grocery store and so on. Seeing him would take my breath away. He's so handsome and strong and has the kindest smile and eyes you have ever seen. That part can be hard.
But someone on here recommended to me to make two lists including: (1) all of the things that he did that hurt me; and (2) all of the things that he did (not things that he promised he would do, but things that he actually did) that made me happy. The first list was very long and the second list was very, very short. And then that same person recommended to me that I need to re-read those lists and see him as he is right now, which is someone who hurts me repeatedly and does very little that makes me happy. I had to see him as how he is and not how I thought he could be if he put the bottle down. Now how I hoped him to be. Not the potential I saw in him. And, oh, does he have potential. He's smart and when he's sober he is kind, caring, gentle, loving, affectionate, and passionate. But how he is right now. And how he was right then -- when we broke up -- was simply unable to do anything with me and only able to drink. I wish I could say things have changed and that I was wrong. But when you live in a small town -- let's just say that he has only gotten worse. My lists were right.
Three things have helped me. The first may not be kosher and may violate principles of recovery that others on here follow, but to get through the early months when I was crying daily, I told myself that, first, our separation was not necessarily permanent and that if he should ever give up drinking, then maybe someday I can him again. But until that happens and he has been in recovery and sober for an entire year, I have to put myself and my happiness first. And I also have to recognize that studies show that in 95% of situations like mine, that probably never will happen. That made it seem much less like a death or funeral and just a necessary thing that had to be done. I just tell myself we had to separate so he could get better and the separation must last until he gets better.
Second, I still love him in my heart but I tell myself to have no expectations and I don't contact him as a result. I cannot expect that tomorrow, next month, or later this year he will stop drinking. In fact, he has not. I cannot expect that he will come to me and apologize for all the times he got drunk instead of keeping his plans with me. I cannot expect him to ever give me the closure I need. I very much want these things, but I cannot expect them because it is very unlikely that they will ever happen. Again, in 95% of cases like mine, these things will never happen. And in the year since we have broken up, they have not happened.
But, third, and most importantly, I made a list of things that do make me happy. Hiking, running, mountain biking, traveling, exploring, etc. He was never going to be able to do any of those things with me and although I am perfectly capable of doing them on my own, someday it might be nice to share those things with other persons. So in the last couple of months, I've noticed that I see other singles out doing those things and I am finally starting to think that I should say hello or strike up a conversation. Maybe they'd also like to do them with someone else.
You said, "Surely she wouldn't have had a drink before we go for a coffee and a walk?" Oh my goodness, how many times I said that to myself, disbelieving what I knew to be true! I love coffee. I love going on walks. I love running. I love playing with my dog. These are all things he would need a couple of (okay, many) shots before he could do. I knew that was what was going on but I actually didn't believe it until I finally (please don't laugh, but I) hid outside the bathroom window and watched him get ready to go on a 15 minute walk with me and the dog. He took four shots. To go on a walk with me and the dog. That was when I finally let myself believe what I had known all along.
Some other funny things that I am now able to see. (I knew them before, but I wouldn't let myself come to terms with them.) But say I went running (and we live in the south/central part of the U.S. where it is very hot and very humid so even a quick run makes you all sweaty and my normal six miler makes me really sweaty). So I'd come back from running and be all sweaty. He's a carpenter so he'd be working on the house outside in 95F and 100% humidity, so he'd be all sweaty. When you have two equally sweaty people, what's a quick hug? Nothing in my book. I've hugged co-workers after both of us having finished a marathon. I've hugged friends after both of us finishing a double century (a 200-mile bike ride). No biggie in my book, it's what comes with exercise and being outdoorsy. But he would be very, very polite and simply look at me, total misery and shame on his face, and step back and say he was "dirty." One time, when he was maybe a fifth in and I knew he had no filter, I asked him. He admitted to me he didn't want me to smell alcohol in his sweat. He said his ex-girlfriend always used to complain about the way he smelled because of his drinking. The funny thing is that he was so high functioning and so careful about that now (probably because of what his ex said to him) that he actually always smelled like soap to me. I think he must have showered maybe three times a day so that he would always smell like soap? It broke my heart. But, now I know.
I too abandoned my favorite hobbies. My ex didn't run, hike, jog, bike. He didn't like going to coffee shops. He didn't like to go to the lake and throw stones, or go fishing, or go on a drive in the country. I love to travel and he couldn't (because he had little money because he missed work a lot due to going on benders.) He really couldn't do anything because I think that would take him away from the bottle and/or he didn't have enough money to do anything because he spent too much time on the bottle. So I gave up all the things I loved.
I promise you that there is so much light at the end of the tunnel. Some days it seems long but you will progress through that tunnel if you just take care of yourself and do the things that you need to do to make yourself happy and healthy.
You asked how the separation process went. The separation process technically/physically was relatively easy because we were not married, had no children, the dogs were mine before I met him, and we both had our own places. I basically said it's alcohol or me, and he chose alcohol without saying so (meaning he went on a week-long bender the evening after I said that), and that was it. Emotionally I struggled for months and months, heartbroken that someone I knew who loved me very much prioritized alcohol over me. I literally cried into my pillow for months. I live in a very small college town and, this summer, for example, with all of the students, gone, it's just a few locals like me (a faculty member) and him (a carpenter). So I'd see him frequently at the hardware store or at the grocery store and so on. Seeing him would take my breath away. He's so handsome and strong and has the kindest smile and eyes you have ever seen. That part can be hard.
But someone on here recommended to me to make two lists including: (1) all of the things that he did that hurt me; and (2) all of the things that he did (not things that he promised he would do, but things that he actually did) that made me happy. The first list was very long and the second list was very, very short. And then that same person recommended to me that I need to re-read those lists and see him as he is right now, which is someone who hurts me repeatedly and does very little that makes me happy. I had to see him as how he is and not how I thought he could be if he put the bottle down. Now how I hoped him to be. Not the potential I saw in him. And, oh, does he have potential. He's smart and when he's sober he is kind, caring, gentle, loving, affectionate, and passionate. But how he is right now. And how he was right then -- when we broke up -- was simply unable to do anything with me and only able to drink. I wish I could say things have changed and that I was wrong. But when you live in a small town -- let's just say that he has only gotten worse. My lists were right.
Three things have helped me. The first may not be kosher and may violate principles of recovery that others on here follow, but to get through the early months when I was crying daily, I told myself that, first, our separation was not necessarily permanent and that if he should ever give up drinking, then maybe someday I can him again. But until that happens and he has been in recovery and sober for an entire year, I have to put myself and my happiness first. And I also have to recognize that studies show that in 95% of situations like mine, that probably never will happen. That made it seem much less like a death or funeral and just a necessary thing that had to be done. I just tell myself we had to separate so he could get better and the separation must last until he gets better.
Second, I still love him in my heart but I tell myself to have no expectations and I don't contact him as a result. I cannot expect that tomorrow, next month, or later this year he will stop drinking. In fact, he has not. I cannot expect that he will come to me and apologize for all the times he got drunk instead of keeping his plans with me. I cannot expect him to ever give me the closure I need. I very much want these things, but I cannot expect them because it is very unlikely that they will ever happen. Again, in 95% of cases like mine, these things will never happen. And in the year since we have broken up, they have not happened.
But, third, and most importantly, I made a list of things that do make me happy. Hiking, running, mountain biking, traveling, exploring, etc. He was never going to be able to do any of those things with me and although I am perfectly capable of doing them on my own, someday it might be nice to share those things with other persons. So in the last couple of months, I've noticed that I see other singles out doing those things and I am finally starting to think that I should say hello or strike up a conversation. Maybe they'd also like to do them with someone else.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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OkRunner
He didnt choose alcohol over you. He chose alcohol well before he ever met you.
He was an alcoholic when you met. What you got was handsome him & his alcoholism - even if you were not aware of or the extent of his drinking problem. As time went on, you rejected his alcoholic life & crap treatment of you. When he met you he just kept on doing what he always does.
Mine? - well she was doing all of it since she was about 15 years old. She was doing all of it when I met her. I got the beautiful hot her & all her addictions. She was doing all of it after we stopped seeing & talking too each other. 3 or 4 years later she still doing it all. She chose her addictions looong before she met me. She didnt choose her addictions over me. She loves her addictions more than anything in life - anything!
He didnt choose alcohol over you. He chose alcohol well before he ever met you.
He was an alcoholic when you met. What you got was handsome him & his alcoholism - even if you were not aware of or the extent of his drinking problem. As time went on, you rejected his alcoholic life & crap treatment of you. When he met you he just kept on doing what he always does.
Mine? - well she was doing all of it since she was about 15 years old. She was doing all of it when I met her. I got the beautiful hot her & all her addictions. She was doing all of it after we stopped seeing & talking too each other. 3 or 4 years later she still doing it all. She chose her addictions looong before she met me. She didnt choose her addictions over me. She loves her addictions more than anything in life - anything!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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I feel that if I get out I will break her heart -- what about YOUR heart?
but also I’m terrified she’ll do something to hurt herself. That may be a legit fear but also WAY BEYOND your ability to control, handle, or prevent. A person threatening or attempting suicide needs professional help.
The past is gone, you are free in this moment. You are free to break up, move out, and start to find yourself through self-reflection, therapy, Al-Anon, whatever gets your gears turning and gets the focus back on you, since you are the only person you can change in this whole entire world.
If you read this story objectively would you think this was a healthy relationship? Are you in love with her potential (read the "stickies" at the top of this F&F forum for great perspective on that trap we've all fallen into in regards to the alcoholics in our lives)?
It can be both liberating AND sad to break up with someone. It can be the right thing to do, and when done honorably, meaning no blame, no shame, it can be empowering and yet, naturally, still difficult, and still sad.
Sorry for what brought you here, but read around the forum, collectively we've seen everything, you're not alone, and your life is your own and full of good possibilities!!
Peace,
B.
but also I’m terrified she’ll do something to hurt herself. That may be a legit fear but also WAY BEYOND your ability to control, handle, or prevent. A person threatening or attempting suicide needs professional help.
The past is gone, you are free in this moment. You are free to break up, move out, and start to find yourself through self-reflection, therapy, Al-Anon, whatever gets your gears turning and gets the focus back on you, since you are the only person you can change in this whole entire world.
If you read this story objectively would you think this was a healthy relationship? Are you in love with her potential (read the "stickies" at the top of this F&F forum for great perspective on that trap we've all fallen into in regards to the alcoholics in our lives)?
It can be both liberating AND sad to break up with someone. It can be the right thing to do, and when done honorably, meaning no blame, no shame, it can be empowering and yet, naturally, still difficult, and still sad.
Sorry for what brought you here, but read around the forum, collectively we've seen everything, you're not alone, and your life is your own and full of good possibilities!!
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
HardLessons, it's funny because I see that you are right but I also have never thought of it like that before.
My ex was very forthcoming when I asked him things in a non-confrontational manner. One time when we were having a nice conversation about something else (home renovations), I simply asked him out of the blue how old he was when he had his first drink. He said 14 years old with zero hesitation. I then asked him about the first time he got drunk. He said it was the same day when he was 14 years old. So, I guess he was drinking decades before he met me.
In trying to better understand my role in the sad story that was our relationship, I have noted how egocentric it was of me that I thought I could be the one to make him stop decades of drinking. No one else could, but I thought I could. Because I was different. Because I was special. Yeah. So, that turned out to be totally not true.
My ex was very forthcoming when I asked him things in a non-confrontational manner. One time when we were having a nice conversation about something else (home renovations), I simply asked him out of the blue how old he was when he had his first drink. He said 14 years old with zero hesitation. I then asked him about the first time he got drunk. He said it was the same day when he was 14 years old. So, I guess he was drinking decades before he met me.
In trying to better understand my role in the sad story that was our relationship, I have noted how egocentric it was of me that I thought I could be the one to make him stop decades of drinking. No one else could, but I thought I could. Because I was different. Because I was special. Yeah. So, that turned out to be totally not true.
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