My alcoholic friend died and I blame myself
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My alcoholic friend died and I blame myself
Such a complicated story but I'll try to keep it simple. My first boyfriend and the love of my life reconnected with me via Facebook and then telephone over four years ago. He was driving cross-country and I was "keeping him company". He was just as witty, smart and charming as I remembered, and he told me he had been looking for me for years. Since he was driving, he wasn't drinking, and everything was wonderful. For a couple of brief weeks I even considered leaving my husband for him. When he got home, the red flags started to appear, and I decided this was not a relationship I wanted to continue. Just before I was able to tell him, he was diagnosed with a severe heart problem and I didn't have the heart to do what I should have done. Over the next few years, his life started to fall apart. Every time I was ready to tell him goodbye, a new problem emerged. I knew he drank and took opioid painkillers for chronic back pain, but I never knew the extent of his use. We only talked on the phone - we never met in person.
Fast forward to 2021. He moved back to our hometown, and things were not going well. He was drinking and taking pills, he had become estranged from all of his local family, almost broke, and living in a motel. If he called me when he was drunk, I refused to speak to him, which is a boundary I had set a couple of years ago. He had sort of started therapy, and at least three mental health providers feared he was suicidal. In March, we had a huge argument and I told him to stop calling. A few days later, he drove his Jeep into a tree at 45 mph. No skid marks. I believe the crash damaged his pacemaker, which hadn't been looked at for at least a year. I read about the accident and called him. We resumed speaking for a couple of weeks until mid-April. The last time I talked to him, I discovered that he had been going to a bar AND he kept bottles of vodka in his hotel room. We argued, and he hung up on me. The gist of the argument was that if he was going to keep drinking heavily, he might as well kill himself. He eventually hung up on me. We exchanged a few nasty texts, and I'm ashamed to say that I repeated "you might as well kill yourself". He responded "done". He had the means - lots of Oxy and vodka - but he didn't kill himself. I know this because two days later I sent him a brief text and he responded.
Unfortunately, he passed away shortly thereafter. The coroner said he had a heart attack. I don't think he had been taking his meds, and alcohol couldn't have been helping his heart. I was the person who called the motel manager to check on him, and I talked to the EMT after they had discovered his body. I was and am devastated. I have no idea how much he really drank, but we often had great conversations. I once thought that we were soul mates. There were so many times when I wanted to "rescue" him from his situation, but I love my husband and it wasn't appropriate. Now, four months after his death, the shock has worn off and I realize that I didn't know the extent of his drinking, I have no idea how many times he lied to me or omitted the truth, nor do I know what he said about me to his family. His adult son got his cell phone and read the texts, and his family blames me for his death. I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with that, and coming to terms with the fact that maybe, if I had gone to him, I could have helped him. The fact that he died alone, abandoned by his family, and thinking that I hated him eats at me constantly. I met with my therapist today and he suggested Al Anon. But this situation is so complicated - I just don't know. I should never have gone down this road to begin with. So much guilt and shame.
Fast forward to 2021. He moved back to our hometown, and things were not going well. He was drinking and taking pills, he had become estranged from all of his local family, almost broke, and living in a motel. If he called me when he was drunk, I refused to speak to him, which is a boundary I had set a couple of years ago. He had sort of started therapy, and at least three mental health providers feared he was suicidal. In March, we had a huge argument and I told him to stop calling. A few days later, he drove his Jeep into a tree at 45 mph. No skid marks. I believe the crash damaged his pacemaker, which hadn't been looked at for at least a year. I read about the accident and called him. We resumed speaking for a couple of weeks until mid-April. The last time I talked to him, I discovered that he had been going to a bar AND he kept bottles of vodka in his hotel room. We argued, and he hung up on me. The gist of the argument was that if he was going to keep drinking heavily, he might as well kill himself. He eventually hung up on me. We exchanged a few nasty texts, and I'm ashamed to say that I repeated "you might as well kill yourself". He responded "done". He had the means - lots of Oxy and vodka - but he didn't kill himself. I know this because two days later I sent him a brief text and he responded.
Unfortunately, he passed away shortly thereafter. The coroner said he had a heart attack. I don't think he had been taking his meds, and alcohol couldn't have been helping his heart. I was the person who called the motel manager to check on him, and I talked to the EMT after they had discovered his body. I was and am devastated. I have no idea how much he really drank, but we often had great conversations. I once thought that we were soul mates. There were so many times when I wanted to "rescue" him from his situation, but I love my husband and it wasn't appropriate. Now, four months after his death, the shock has worn off and I realize that I didn't know the extent of his drinking, I have no idea how many times he lied to me or omitted the truth, nor do I know what he said about me to his family. His adult son got his cell phone and read the texts, and his family blames me for his death. I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with that, and coming to terms with the fact that maybe, if I had gone to him, I could have helped him. The fact that he died alone, abandoned by his family, and thinking that I hated him eats at me constantly. I met with my therapist today and he suggested Al Anon. But this situation is so complicated - I just don't know. I should never have gone down this road to begin with. So much guilt and shame.
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Hi and welcome 
From my perspective, there was nothing anyone could say to me to get me to stop my self destruction.
I had to make the decision myself to stop drinking.
I don't know why I was lucky and others are not,
It reads to me like you, as a married person, had boundaries and ultimately you kept to them.
You did what you could.
D
From my perspective, there was nothing anyone could say to me to get me to stop my self destruction.
I had to make the decision myself to stop drinking.
I don't know why I was lucky and others are not,
It reads to me like you, as a married person, had boundaries and ultimately you kept to them.
You did what you could.
D
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I can't think of anything you could have done. Had you gone to him, what would that have looked like? Sitting by his side 24/7 to keep him from hurting himself? How would you have gone to the toilet or bathed, secured food for the two of you? Slept? How would you have physically stopped his drinking, or forced him to take his medication? And in the end, he may have had a heart attack anyway.
When I was in a very dark place, all I wanted was for my life to be over. I was angry at everyone and tired, very, very tired.
His family had abandoned him, and has now decided to blame you. Isn't that convenient?
A surprising number of grown up people refuse to modify their diets for their diabetes, or take their insulin; or take the blood pressure medication prescribed, or lose weight, or take their anti-seizure medication, without having the additional issue of being an addict.
When I was in a very dark place, all I wanted was for my life to be over. I was angry at everyone and tired, very, very tired.
His family had abandoned him, and has now decided to blame you. Isn't that convenient?
A surprising number of grown up people refuse to modify their diets for their diabetes, or take their insulin; or take the blood pressure medication prescribed, or lose weight, or take their anti-seizure medication, without having the additional issue of being an addict.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
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Please try to understand that each of us has choices, and if the choices your friend made resulted in his death, that absolutely has nothing to do with you. Please find some peace in this.
My AH passed away with multiple substances in his system. He had completed suicide. His family decided it was my fault and cut off all communication. His death was not my fault, nor was it my choice; their excommunication of me was not my fault, nor was it my choice. I've actually found some peace in not having to deal with the drama of AHs FOO issues.
I'm sorry for your loss.
My AH passed away with multiple substances in his system. He had completed suicide. His family decided it was my fault and cut off all communication. His death was not my fault, nor was it my choice; their excommunication of me was not my fault, nor was it my choice. I've actually found some peace in not having to deal with the drama of AHs FOO issues.
I'm sorry for your loss.
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Your friend died from a heart attack, possibly caused by his drinking, drugging or just poor health. The sad truth is, neither you nor his family could prevent that from happening. When faced with circumstances like this, we seek answers, some way to make sense of something that defies logic. This is the nature of addiction - it is illogical and seemingly so easily prevented. The reality is, the only person who could have changed the outcome of this sad situation paid for it with his life. I am a recovering alcoholic, I have buried my mother and several friends who lost their battle with addiction. It took me years after getting sober to come to a place of acceptance for how my mother died. I cannot change someone else's choices and I have no control over the consequences they bring. Say a prayer for your friends family, they are lashing out at you but surely feel at some level that they could have done something that would have changed the outcome. More importantly, you should consider the suggestion of Al Anon - go to several groups until you find one that speaks to you - each group is different and some can be rant-fests, but there is wisdom and serenity in that fellowship. You will find people who have walked this path and can help you heal.
Wishing you peace,
Eddie
Wishing you peace,
Eddie
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To Dee74
Thank you so much for your response. In my head, I think I know you are right. But I still have really invasive thoughts. My husband tolerated our relationship because he was a connection from home, which I miss very much. He might have tolerated me going to see him and trying to help him, but as you said, there's probably nothing I could have done. I'll always wonder if I should have tried, though.
Last edited by AldenSchooner; 08-11-2021 at 09:18 AM. Reason: Should have quoted - didn't realize responses weren't nested.
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Originally Posted by velma929 
I can't think of anything you could have done. Had you gone to him, what would that have looked like? Sitting by his side 24/7 to keep him from hurting himself? How would you have gone to the toilet or bathed, secured food for the two of you? Slept? How would you have physically stopped his drinking, or forced him to take his medication? And in the end, he may have had a heart attack anyway.
When I was in a very dark place, all I wanted was for my life to be over. I was angry at everyone and tired, very, very tired.
His family had abandoned him, and has now decided to blame you. Isn't that convenient?
A surprising number of grown up people refuse to modify their diets for their diabetes, or take their insulin; or take the blood pressure medication prescribed, or lose weight, or take their anti-seizure medication, without having the additional issue of being an addict.
When I was in a very dark place, all I wanted was for my life to be over. I was angry at everyone and tired, very, very tired.
His family had abandoned him, and has now decided to blame you. Isn't that convenient?
A surprising number of grown up people refuse to modify their diets for their diabetes, or take their insulin; or take the blood pressure medication prescribed, or lose weight, or take their anti-seizure medication, without having the additional issue of being an addict.
His wife left him about three years ago at a time when his chronic back problems worsened significantly. He couldn't take care of himself properly. When a caregiver finally showed up (his brother), Steve eventually ran him off. Same with his sister. He had an acid tongue even when he was sober, and he was a different person when under the influence. I was on the receiving end of that myself on many occasions. He didn't like anyone trying to "control" him, and he perceived having his meds doled out to him, being given a good meal, providing structure to his day, etc. as controlling. So, he probably would have driven me away as well. However, I could see that his downward spiral was going to end in his death, and if there was anything I could have done to prevent that, I would have. I don't think his family was aware of how bad off he was, even though I tried to warn them. He had never needed help before in his life - it's not like he was a constant burden. In fact, he was the one most likely to step in and help if someone else was in trouble. His family didn't like me, though, so getting through to them was impossible.
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Originally Posted by sage1969
Please try to understand that each of us has choices, and if the choices your friend made resulted in his death, that absolutely has nothing to do with you. Please find some peace in this.
My AH passed away with multiple substances in his system. He had completed suicide. His family decided it was my fault and cut off all communication. His death was not my fault, nor was it my choice; their excommunication of me was not my fault, nor was it my choice. I've actually found some peace in not having to deal with the drama of AHs FOO issues.
I'm sorry for your loss.
My AH passed away with multiple substances in his system. He had completed suicide. His family decided it was my fault and cut off all communication. His death was not my fault, nor was it my choice; their excommunication of me was not my fault, nor was it my choice. I've actually found some peace in not having to deal with the drama of AHs FOO issues.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Because of the last texts I sent to Steve, his family has a concrete reason for blaming me. Of course, they don't know the context, and they don't know that he didn't kill himself. That night, anyway. I think if his death had been ruled a suicide, there would have been some angry contact with me, but at the time of his death, I was completely frozen out and had been for a while. I'm not sure what FOO means, but I'm guessing it's drama/dysfunction, and there was plenty of that. But it wasn't something I had to deal with much - just what I heard from Steve. His daughter, who never liked me, is the one who directly made the accusation. I can sense it, though, and I'm having trouble accepting the fact that his immediate family will always scapegoat me, while they sat around and did nothing. My anger is exacerbated by the fact that I'm not sure he had a funeral or a memorial service. I never saw an obituary. He lived mostly a good life - he deserved a little dignity upon his death.
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If the brother was his caregiver for a while, perhaps they were well aware of his downward spiral. Keeping in mind you have only heard one perception of this story. Why didn't his family like you, did they perceive you as being interfering (not saying you were, but they might have seen it that way).
They probably also felt horrible about the whole situation, but what could they do? All the years you were absent from his life they were there to watch this. They probably tried to help, you saw the result, he ran off his brother and probably all of them.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Perhaps they realized that. At some point people do let go of the rope so that they aren't dragged because addiction will drag you down along with the addict if you let it.
After all is said and done, he was a grown man and he made his own decisions (and it seems he was pretty clear about what those decisions were).
I am sorry this happened to him though.
They probably also felt horrible about the whole situation, but what could they do? All the years you were absent from his life they were there to watch this. They probably tried to help, you saw the result, he ran off his brother and probably all of them.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Perhaps they realized that. At some point people do let go of the rope so that they aren't dragged because addiction will drag you down along with the addict if you let it.
After all is said and done, he was a grown man and he made his own decisions (and it seems he was pretty clear about what those decisions were).
I am sorry this happened to him though.
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There is a lot of talk of blame here revolving around yourself and around his family, and yet not a lot of talk about your friend taking responsibility for his own issues, for his failed relationships, and for his unwillingness to fight against his addiction and the consequences thereof.
Please don't torture yourself by entertaining the illusion that there was anything you could have done, or that anything you did or said contributed to his passing. Your family will believe whatever they are going to believe. You can't control them any more than you could have controlled him. Focus on the good in your life and nurture, and allow his memory to have the dignity of having made his own choices.
Please don't torture yourself by entertaining the illusion that there was anything you could have done, or that anything you did or said contributed to his passing. Your family will believe whatever they are going to believe. You can't control them any more than you could have controlled him. Focus on the good in your life and nurture, and allow his memory to have the dignity of having made his own choices.
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Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle
Your friend died from a heart attack, possibly caused by his drinking, drugging or just poor health. The sad truth is, neither you nor his family could prevent that from happening. When faced with circumstances like this, we seek answers, some way to make sense of something that defies logic. This is the nature of addiction - it is illogical and seemingly so easily prevented. The reality is, the only person who could have changed the outcome of this sad situation paid for it with his life. I am a recovering alcoholic, I have buried my mother and several friends who lost their battle with addiction. It took me years after getting sober to come to a place of acceptance for how my mother died. I cannot change someone else's choices and I have no control over the consequences they bring. Say a prayer for your friends family, they are lashing out at you but surely feel at some level that they could have done something that would have changed the outcome. More importantly, you should consider the suggestion of Al Anon - go to several groups until you find one that speaks to you - each group is different and some can be rant-fests, but there is wisdom and serenity in that fellowship. You will find people who have walked this path and can help you heal.
Wishing you peace,
Eddie
Wishing you peace,
Eddie
Unfortunately, I'm a million miles from ready to say a prayer for his family. In the months preceding his death, they were just awful. His adult son tried to attack him with a knife, and Steve pressed charges. I was astonished that the family took the son's side. In what universe is that OK? There were some lukewarm offers to help care for him, but only on the condition that he had no contact with me. When they found out that we were still in touch, all offers were withdrawn. Maybe they thought I encouraged him to press charges against his son? I didn't, but I have no way of knowing what was going on or said on the other end. Maybe Steve threw me under the bus. There are so many similar stories.
He was a troubled man who grew up in a severely dysfunctional family. He was fighting so many demons, but at 60, and retired from the military, the idea of therapy, rehab, etc. were pretty much no goes for him. His family knew he was a fragile, sensitive person. His substance abuse was the most easily predictable thing in the world. Two of his siblings are alcoholics as well. I don't know what made him stand out as the worst, and I never will. Their grievances with me are pretty weak sauce.
I will try Al Anon. It might even help me as the daughter of an alcoholic, albeit a high-functioning one.
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You might want to check out Adult Children of Alcoholics too, I found that incredibly helpful. My father was a (so called) high functioning alcoholic too.
I attach their "Laundry List" of Traits for you to look at. It was a real eye opener to me. It really got to the source of my dysfunctional thinking learnt whilst I was growing up
Laundry List - Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families
I attach their "Laundry List" of Traits for you to look at. It was a real eye opener to me. It really got to the source of my dysfunctional thinking learnt whilst I was growing up
Laundry List - Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families
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Originally Posted by trailmix
If the brother was his caregiver for a while, perhaps they were well aware of his downward spiral. Keeping in mind you have only heard one perception of this story. Why didn't his family like you, did they perceive you as being interfering (not saying you were, but they might have seen it that way).
They probably also felt horrible about the whole situation, but what could they do? All the years you were absent from his life they were there to watch this. They probably tried to help, you saw the result, he ran off his brother and probably all of them.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Perhaps they realized that. At some point people do let go of the rope so that they aren't dragged because addiction will drag you down along with the addict if you let it.
After all is said and done, he was a grown man and he made his own decisions (and it seems he was pretty clear about what those decisions were).
I am sorry this happened to him though.
They probably also felt horrible about the whole situation, but what could they do? All the years you were absent from his life they were there to watch this. They probably tried to help, you saw the result, he ran off his brother and probably all of them.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Perhaps they realized that. At some point people do let go of the rope so that they aren't dragged because addiction will drag you down along with the addict if you let it.
After all is said and done, he was a grown man and he made his own decisions (and it seems he was pretty clear about what those decisions were).
I am sorry this happened to him though.
I can't give them any credit for actually caring about him that much either way. The caregiver brother was also an alcoholic, as was his sister (she has two famous children, one of whom actually got her to go on The Doctors to talk about her alcoholism!). Health issues aside, he was probably the least problematic drinker. He just turned into a different person while drunk. He wasn't raised with love, and although he loved his kids, they had pretty traumatic childhoods and plenty of problems of their own. For the entire time I talked to him, he was completely estranged from two of his children, his oldest brother, and his mother. Not because of his substance abuse, but because of family feuds.
Why didn't his family like me? Well, first, I want to be clear that I never intended to interact with any of his family. Steve had a bad habit of only talking on speaker, and he dragged me into conversations that way and also dialed me into calls with a couple of his kids. Obviously, I should have hung up, but I had no idea at the time how messed up his family was. They were awful to each other. I was able to confirm this independently.
Other reasons: He told every one of his ex-wives, before or during his marriages, that I was the love of his life. He had four exes, and had kids with three of them. Imagine how that made his kids feel. He was married to his last ex when we started talking, and instead of being open and transparent, he snuck around. She had relationships with all of his kids, his siblings, his mother, and his step-mother. Doesn't take a genius to figure out that in her mind, he was cheating. A few of his kids, and his brother and sister, initially liked me anyway. It was only after a few years of drama that I got dragged into that things changed. His family is very clannish, and I was an outsider. Ultimately, it boiled down to some of them disapproving of him talking to a married woman, and others thinking I was a bad influence. Ironic, because it's clear now I had no influence over him. I tried to get him to do all the right things, but you can only do so much over the phone. I suspect that whenever he and I were on the outs, he vented to whomever was handy. They also only had one side of the story. The fact that our relationship was purely telephonic is what makes all of this so complicated.
It was a never-ending soap opera. I've only scratched the surface, and that's plenty. I appreciate yours and everyone else's input. You're all correct that I couldn't have done anything. I miss him though. And I have no one to grieve with, which is very hard. My husband is sympathetic, but only to a point. My mom and my sister, the only two other people who knew about our friendship, disliked him for dragging me into his messed up life.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
There is a lot of talk of blame here revolving around yourself and around his family, and yet not a lot of talk about your friend taking responsibility for his own issues, for his failed relationships, and for his unwillingness to fight against his addiction and the consequences thereof.
Please don't torture yourself by entertaining the illusion that there was anything you could have done, or that anything you did or said contributed to his passing. Your family will believe whatever they are going to believe. You can't control them any more than you could have controlled him. Focus on the good in your life and nurture, and allow his memory to have the dignity of having made his own choices.
Please don't torture yourself by entertaining the illusion that there was anything you could have done, or that anything you did or said contributed to his passing. Your family will believe whatever they are going to believe. You can't control them any more than you could have controlled him. Focus on the good in your life and nurture, and allow his memory to have the dignity of having made his own choices.
Everything was someone else's fault. He was "misunderstood". His ex-wives (one especially) all "screwed" him. He denied being an alcoholic. He just "couldn't hold his liquor". He had an excuse for everything. I was the "only bright spot in his life" and I could "save" him. No one else. There was no reasoning with him about this.
That said, there were long stretches of time when his problems, his drinking, and his horrible life were not the topic of conversation. We had a lot in common and talked for hours about plenty of other things. I had it a lot easier than people who actually have to live with a loved one with alcohol and drug issues. I am very grateful for my husband, my son, and my friends and family. Everything is just a bit raw now, but it's getting better. Talking to my therapist, while necessary, often takes me to a bad place the way it did today.
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Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
You might want to check out Adult Children of Alcoholics too, I found that incredibly helpful. My father was a (so called) high functioning alcoholic too.
I attach their "Laundry List" of Traits for you to look at. It was a real eye opener to me. It really got to the source of my dysfunctional thinking learnt whilst I was growing up
I attach their "Laundry List" of Traits for you to look at. It was a real eye opener to me. It really got to the source of my dysfunctional thinking learnt whilst I was growing up
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My ex stood me up maybe 8 times in a row to drink. These included blowing off an amazing country weekend we had planned for a long time, canceling a beach vacation, not showing up to a mutual business obligation that he needed to be there for, and five similar events. After the eighth one, I sent him a text when I was at my lowest of lows saying "I wish I had never met you." After all, I was crying so hard I thought my insides were going to break. I was humiliated, embarrassed. I felt like a fool. Who gets stood up eight (8!) times in a row?! His sister read that text (not knowing anything else I had been through -- not knowing how many times I had been stood up, not knowing how many times I'd been lied to, not knowing anything of what I had been through) and told me on a group text with his mother, two brothers, and cousins that it was people like me that "caused" his alcoholism. Good times.
I know how you feel but I can with 100% confidence say that you did not cause this, you couldn't control it no matter how hard you tried, and you most definitely couldn't have cured it. I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. My heart goes out to you. Please be kind to yourself. I can tell you are a caring person and that you make good choices. Please take that care and turn it inwards and care for yourself while you heal.
I know how you feel but I can with 100% confidence say that you did not cause this, you couldn't control it no matter how hard you tried, and you most definitely couldn't have cured it. I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. My heart goes out to you. Please be kind to yourself. I can tell you are a caring person and that you make good choices. Please take that care and turn it inwards and care for yourself while you heal.
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Originally Posted by RIPSteve
Excellent observations.
Everything was someone else's fault. He was "misunderstood". His ex-wives (one especially) all "screwed" him. He denied being an alcoholic. He just "couldn't hold his liquor". He had an excuse for everything. I was the "only bright spot in his life" and I could "save" him. No one else. There was no reasoning with him about this.
That said, there were long stretches of time when his problems, his drinking, and his horrible life were not the topic of conversation. We had a lot in common and talked for hours about plenty of other things. I had it a lot easier than people who actually have to live with a loved one with alcohol and drug issues. I am very grateful for my husband, my son, and my friends and family. Everything is just a bit raw now, but it's getting better. Talking to my therapist, while necessary, often takes me to a bad place the way it did today.
Everything was someone else's fault. He was "misunderstood". His ex-wives (one especially) all "screwed" him. He denied being an alcoholic. He just "couldn't hold his liquor". He had an excuse for everything. I was the "only bright spot in his life" and I could "save" him. No one else. There was no reasoning with him about this.
That said, there were long stretches of time when his problems, his drinking, and his horrible life were not the topic of conversation. We had a lot in common and talked for hours about plenty of other things. I had it a lot easier than people who actually have to live with a loved one with alcohol and drug issues. I am very grateful for my husband, my son, and my friends and family. Everything is just a bit raw now, but it's getting better. Talking to my therapist, while necessary, often takes me to a bad place the way it did today.
Perhaps you need to reason with yourself.
Does it make you feel special? Seen? Like you have a place in the world? A connection so deep it touches the divine?
In some ways you did touch the divine. We are all children of God. However, he was giving you responsibility for a part of his soul no human should touch: his relationship with God. Only that could have saved him. So you did see something divine but it could never be yours. That's where the deep longing and pain arises from. With your focus on the impossible bond for you to affect between him and God you have distanced yourself from your own bond with God. The pain is exquisite and it seems like the only solution is to continue to focus on his bond with God. It is all you can see! If you just fixed that the beautiful pain would stop. It wouldn't because it was never his to give or yours to receive. You are feeling your own severed bond with God.
He also chose someone who was unobtainable to save him, someone who chose a habit of keeping the right amount of distance from him so his excuses wouldn't be shattered. He would have started blaming you and idealizing someone else who could save him. Because no one could but God.
You were never that special to him nor seen. You were an excuse and an image to him. You never got close enough to shatter that illusion.
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Join Date: Aug 2021
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by OKRunner
My ex stood me up maybe 8 times in a row to drink. These included blowing off an amazing country weekend we had planned for a long time, canceling a beach vacation, not showing up to a mutual business obligation that he needed to be there for, and five similar events. After the eighth one, I sent him a text when I was at my lowest of lows saying "I wish I had never met you." After all, I was crying so hard I thought my insides were going to break. I was humiliated, embarrassed. I felt like a fool. Who gets stood up eight (8!) times in a row?! His sister read that text (not knowing anything else I had been through -- not knowing how many times I had been stood up, not knowing how many times I'd been lied to, not knowing anything of what I had been through) and told me on a group text with his mother, two brothers, and cousins that it was people like me that "caused" his alcoholism. Good times.
I know how you feel but I can with 100% confidence say that you did not cause this, you couldn't control it no matter how hard you tried, and you most definitely couldn't have cured it. I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. My heart goes out to you. Please be kind to yourself. I can tell you are a caring person and that you make good choices. Please take that care and turn it inwards and care for yourself while you heal.
I know how you feel but I can with 100% confidence say that you did not cause this, you couldn't control it no matter how hard you tried, and you most definitely couldn't have cured it. I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. My heart goes out to you. Please be kind to yourself. I can tell you are a caring person and that you make good choices. Please take that care and turn it inwards and care for yourself while you heal.
I'm not sure you posted this before or after reading my other post, but I struggle with making good choices. I try, and these days I mostly succeed, but when I fail, it's a doozy. I do like to think I'm a caring person. To a fault. Then I go in the other direction to protect those I care about. That's the story of what happened here.
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