New Here! Dealing with Husbands Resentment towards me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 5
New Here! Dealing with Husbands Resentment towards me
Backstory: I have been with my husband 4 years, married for less than 1 year (I don't always make good decisions) when I met my husband I was most likely drinking more than I normally do, I was single and going out a lot more. I was told from a friend that his ex-wife had stated he has a drinking problem. I asked him about this and he was like "Does this now present a problem" and I responded along the lines of "I am a big girl I will decide for myself"
In the first year he was still dealing with issues with his ex-wife and his daughter who has a slew of issues herself, but he was the happy drunk around me, so I didn't think it would be problematic. He was the laughing, dancing, goofy, social guy and I was like "Oh at least its not unhealthy" having previously been involved in a abusive relationship with someone whose drinking turned him into a monster.
Flash forward years 2-4, his mental health isn't great, he drinks more. My husband is one of those grey area drinkers, he is not polishing off bottles of vodka in the AM but he is coming home from work and drinking 6,8,10 beers, all depending on his mood. This has been an area of contention because he is no longer the happy, goofy drunk. He becomes belligerent, I can see the exact moment he goes from good to evil. At that point there is no turning back, he will start belittling me, gaslighting me, comparing me to his ex wife, bringing up issues that were with his ex and not me and being so cruel. I use to react, I am not at the point I do not react to his outburst, I leave the situation because I cannot rationalize with him when he is drunk. I have been in therapy for years to deal with my anxiety and other issues, I have suggest a million times that may be a good route for him to work out some of his past traumas so he can be healthy, happy and at peace. He has rejected that idea a million times saying that therapy won't work, its all ********.
There have been a couple times where it was BAD, the last time was 3 weeks ago. He had a bad day at work, Spring is ALL BAD DAYS due to his seasonal fluctuations at work. He comes home most days March thru June and says nothing for most of the evening, he is burnt out but won't even consider looking into other employment. That day 3 weeks ago he was in a pretty vial mood when he got home, and there came the beers, one after another, I have become so hypervigilant with his alcohol consumption, I count his drinks in any evening. He mentioned something about living with his anxiety and I mentioned that therapy is helpful. Well that was that, he then switched to being defensive and started attacking me. I walked away from the conversation and took a shower, he follows me into the bathroom and then complains about how much laundry I had in the hamper. I then go into the room to get changed, he follows me and keeps coming at me, I ask him to leave me alone, to stop belittling me, to stop with his aggressive behavior, he doesn't. So I grab my keys and leave the house because he wasn't going to leave me be, this would have continued all night even if I tried to go to bed he would stomp into the room, slam the door, turn all the lights on.. Because that is what happened 2 months prior.
So I leave and just drive around, I needed to clear my head. Within 5 minutes of me leaving he starts sending what ended up being about 50 text messages about how I am a bad person, how dare I leave him, screenshots of divorce attorneys information. I sent one text saying I wasn't going to engage with the above text, I went for a drive because he wouldn't leave me alone. The text from him continued, I felt unsafe to return to the house so instead I shut my headlights off, parked on the further part of our property and spent the night in our camper. I shut my phone off because it was going to die around 11pm. In the morning I was waiting for him to leave for work but the truck was not going anywhere. I had to use the bathroom and our camper wasn't dewinterized yet so not in there. I went to go into the house and realized he had put my cats in their carrier and put them outside, when I turned my phone back on I learned that he did that 2 hours earlier, my poor babies were on the porch in their carriers and it was like 40 degrees out that morning. I was fuming, screw with me is one thing but screwing with my cats. When I went into the house he was still on his tangent, not sure if he was still drunk. He started to threaten me that he was kicking me out, he was going upstairs to start grabbing my stuff to put outside, telling me that I needed to leave and find a new home because I had "left him". I never left him I even told him in the text what I was doing, but he wasn't listening. As he threatened to kick me out I called 911, I then hung up but I was so worried he was going to move me out of the house and do something crazy, the dispatcher called back and told me to call the local number if I still needed someone, I didn't. My husband then emailed my mother and said "come get your daughter" he had already called my sister at 11pm (she is pregnant and has 3 kids but he called her) and then gets my parents involved.
I went upstairs to take a shower, he already made it impossible for me to work that day (I work from home and he wouldn't let me work) I stayed up in the bedroom, he came up an hour later and said "You have until the end of the month to get out of here" I then explained the legal process (we bought the house last summer, my credit was iffy so he is on the mortgage but has been making every excuse not to get me on the deed, so its NOT my house) he would need to get a court order and after a judge hears his ******** I may just end up with the house. He then leaves, I asked "where are you going?" he replies "To Work that is what responsible people do" UGH!
I went to my sisters I couldn't be in the house. I came back a few hours later and he was home. I walk in and say "I thought you were going to work?" He then says "I am ready to talk if you want" AHHHHH!
After I do not let him make any more excuses I told him how I felt, I told him his drinking is an issue and it is no longer okay with me, it is problematic, I won't do this with him. After about an hour of us talking he goes into the other room and sulk for a few hours and then comes into the living room. He then states that he knows his mental health and drinking do not mix, he agrees to try therapy and makes the initial intake call. Rinse and Repeat but I felt like we made more progress than previous issues.
Now we are 3 weeks in, he is not drinking but its FOR ME! He is going to therapy but refuses to go more than once a month, but it's FOR ME! We have said NOTHING else about this the last few weeks. So over the last 3 weeks things have started to get to me, I don't know how he feels, I don't know his reluctance to additional therapy, I don't know if he needs support from me, family, or AA. I think he is hoping that at some point I will just give him permission to drink again, I have done this in the past made exceptions for celebrations or vacation. But we have also had horrible fights on vacation due to his drinking. So when he got home last night I simply stated "the last few weeks we haven't talked about what occurred, I know you have been tired and stressed so if you could provide me a time when you can be present to have a discussion that would be appreciated" Just like that his demeaner changed, stoic face, and angry tone of voice. He responds "talk now, I am good" I then asked for conformation that this was indeed a good time to talk. (Spoiler, it wasn't)
I had typed up a list of things I wanted to talk about, I do this because I have ADHD and when under this much stress my brain will not process information. I asked about his concerns with therapy, I stated I wasn't going to enable his drinking in the future, I asked about how he was feeling, I do not have any addictions so I don't know what is happening in his head, what he is thinking, how he feels. I expressed my love for him (because when he is not drinking he is the best husband I could have, he spoils me, and he is a good person, until he drinks) and all I want is for him to be happy or at least at peace. I asked if he needed additional support from AA or another meeting. I honestly wanted to know what was going on in his head.
He was hostile and short with me in his responses: basically it comes down to that I have now sentenced him to a life sentence of not drinking, that he resents me, that nothing he does is good enough (not true at all). I got the response that he didn't want to leave work more than once a month for therapy, I asked if his new therapist has night hours, he didn't know. I said okay I understand that reason. He got mad at me for saying he needed support from a meeting, I stated I am asking him what he needs because I don't know. He said he needed nothing, he will just deal with the cards he was given and live life, unhappy. He left for work this morning without a word to me, he is punishing me for not approving of his drinking, I told him he will either not drink or drink, its not my decision but if he wants to save our marriage and his life in the long run, he has to recognize that drinking is problematic.
This isn't what I was looking for, I know its not about me, its about him. it doesn't make it any less hard. I work with my therapist all the time on dealing with my feeling around his drinking. I worry if I detach from him in the way to protect myself there is no going back, we will end up divorced. That isn't what I want but I have a long life of dealing with addicts and I just keep making the same mistakes. My therapist recommend Al-ANON but I am not a god person so I have been looking into groups that leave god out of the equation. I hate keeping this a secret, my mom, sister and close friends knows what's up but my husbands parents do not and I am tempted to at least let them know that he is not drinking at this moment because we will be seeing them this weekend and they are a big wine drinking family. I feel so alone right now, I cannot put this burden on my friends and family. I have spent the majority of the last 3 weeks crying while trying to maintain my life.
Sorry for the long post, I just feel so lost.
In the first year he was still dealing with issues with his ex-wife and his daughter who has a slew of issues herself, but he was the happy drunk around me, so I didn't think it would be problematic. He was the laughing, dancing, goofy, social guy and I was like "Oh at least its not unhealthy" having previously been involved in a abusive relationship with someone whose drinking turned him into a monster.
Flash forward years 2-4, his mental health isn't great, he drinks more. My husband is one of those grey area drinkers, he is not polishing off bottles of vodka in the AM but he is coming home from work and drinking 6,8,10 beers, all depending on his mood. This has been an area of contention because he is no longer the happy, goofy drunk. He becomes belligerent, I can see the exact moment he goes from good to evil. At that point there is no turning back, he will start belittling me, gaslighting me, comparing me to his ex wife, bringing up issues that were with his ex and not me and being so cruel. I use to react, I am not at the point I do not react to his outburst, I leave the situation because I cannot rationalize with him when he is drunk. I have been in therapy for years to deal with my anxiety and other issues, I have suggest a million times that may be a good route for him to work out some of his past traumas so he can be healthy, happy and at peace. He has rejected that idea a million times saying that therapy won't work, its all ********.
There have been a couple times where it was BAD, the last time was 3 weeks ago. He had a bad day at work, Spring is ALL BAD DAYS due to his seasonal fluctuations at work. He comes home most days March thru June and says nothing for most of the evening, he is burnt out but won't even consider looking into other employment. That day 3 weeks ago he was in a pretty vial mood when he got home, and there came the beers, one after another, I have become so hypervigilant with his alcohol consumption, I count his drinks in any evening. He mentioned something about living with his anxiety and I mentioned that therapy is helpful. Well that was that, he then switched to being defensive and started attacking me. I walked away from the conversation and took a shower, he follows me into the bathroom and then complains about how much laundry I had in the hamper. I then go into the room to get changed, he follows me and keeps coming at me, I ask him to leave me alone, to stop belittling me, to stop with his aggressive behavior, he doesn't. So I grab my keys and leave the house because he wasn't going to leave me be, this would have continued all night even if I tried to go to bed he would stomp into the room, slam the door, turn all the lights on.. Because that is what happened 2 months prior.
So I leave and just drive around, I needed to clear my head. Within 5 minutes of me leaving he starts sending what ended up being about 50 text messages about how I am a bad person, how dare I leave him, screenshots of divorce attorneys information. I sent one text saying I wasn't going to engage with the above text, I went for a drive because he wouldn't leave me alone. The text from him continued, I felt unsafe to return to the house so instead I shut my headlights off, parked on the further part of our property and spent the night in our camper. I shut my phone off because it was going to die around 11pm. In the morning I was waiting for him to leave for work but the truck was not going anywhere. I had to use the bathroom and our camper wasn't dewinterized yet so not in there. I went to go into the house and realized he had put my cats in their carrier and put them outside, when I turned my phone back on I learned that he did that 2 hours earlier, my poor babies were on the porch in their carriers and it was like 40 degrees out that morning. I was fuming, screw with me is one thing but screwing with my cats. When I went into the house he was still on his tangent, not sure if he was still drunk. He started to threaten me that he was kicking me out, he was going upstairs to start grabbing my stuff to put outside, telling me that I needed to leave and find a new home because I had "left him". I never left him I even told him in the text what I was doing, but he wasn't listening. As he threatened to kick me out I called 911, I then hung up but I was so worried he was going to move me out of the house and do something crazy, the dispatcher called back and told me to call the local number if I still needed someone, I didn't. My husband then emailed my mother and said "come get your daughter" he had already called my sister at 11pm (she is pregnant and has 3 kids but he called her) and then gets my parents involved.
I went upstairs to take a shower, he already made it impossible for me to work that day (I work from home and he wouldn't let me work) I stayed up in the bedroom, he came up an hour later and said "You have until the end of the month to get out of here" I then explained the legal process (we bought the house last summer, my credit was iffy so he is on the mortgage but has been making every excuse not to get me on the deed, so its NOT my house) he would need to get a court order and after a judge hears his ******** I may just end up with the house. He then leaves, I asked "where are you going?" he replies "To Work that is what responsible people do" UGH!
I went to my sisters I couldn't be in the house. I came back a few hours later and he was home. I walk in and say "I thought you were going to work?" He then says "I am ready to talk if you want" AHHHHH!
After I do not let him make any more excuses I told him how I felt, I told him his drinking is an issue and it is no longer okay with me, it is problematic, I won't do this with him. After about an hour of us talking he goes into the other room and sulk for a few hours and then comes into the living room. He then states that he knows his mental health and drinking do not mix, he agrees to try therapy and makes the initial intake call. Rinse and Repeat but I felt like we made more progress than previous issues.
Now we are 3 weeks in, he is not drinking but its FOR ME! He is going to therapy but refuses to go more than once a month, but it's FOR ME! We have said NOTHING else about this the last few weeks. So over the last 3 weeks things have started to get to me, I don't know how he feels, I don't know his reluctance to additional therapy, I don't know if he needs support from me, family, or AA. I think he is hoping that at some point I will just give him permission to drink again, I have done this in the past made exceptions for celebrations or vacation. But we have also had horrible fights on vacation due to his drinking. So when he got home last night I simply stated "the last few weeks we haven't talked about what occurred, I know you have been tired and stressed so if you could provide me a time when you can be present to have a discussion that would be appreciated" Just like that his demeaner changed, stoic face, and angry tone of voice. He responds "talk now, I am good" I then asked for conformation that this was indeed a good time to talk. (Spoiler, it wasn't)
I had typed up a list of things I wanted to talk about, I do this because I have ADHD and when under this much stress my brain will not process information. I asked about his concerns with therapy, I stated I wasn't going to enable his drinking in the future, I asked about how he was feeling, I do not have any addictions so I don't know what is happening in his head, what he is thinking, how he feels. I expressed my love for him (because when he is not drinking he is the best husband I could have, he spoils me, and he is a good person, until he drinks) and all I want is for him to be happy or at least at peace. I asked if he needed additional support from AA or another meeting. I honestly wanted to know what was going on in his head.
He was hostile and short with me in his responses: basically it comes down to that I have now sentenced him to a life sentence of not drinking, that he resents me, that nothing he does is good enough (not true at all). I got the response that he didn't want to leave work more than once a month for therapy, I asked if his new therapist has night hours, he didn't know. I said okay I understand that reason. He got mad at me for saying he needed support from a meeting, I stated I am asking him what he needs because I don't know. He said he needed nothing, he will just deal with the cards he was given and live life, unhappy. He left for work this morning without a word to me, he is punishing me for not approving of his drinking, I told him he will either not drink or drink, its not my decision but if he wants to save our marriage and his life in the long run, he has to recognize that drinking is problematic.
This isn't what I was looking for, I know its not about me, its about him. it doesn't make it any less hard. I work with my therapist all the time on dealing with my feeling around his drinking. I worry if I detach from him in the way to protect myself there is no going back, we will end up divorced. That isn't what I want but I have a long life of dealing with addicts and I just keep making the same mistakes. My therapist recommend Al-ANON but I am not a god person so I have been looking into groups that leave god out of the equation. I hate keeping this a secret, my mom, sister and close friends knows what's up but my husbands parents do not and I am tempted to at least let them know that he is not drinking at this moment because we will be seeing them this weekend and they are a big wine drinking family. I feel so alone right now, I cannot put this burden on my friends and family. I have spent the majority of the last 3 weeks crying while trying to maintain my life.
Sorry for the long post, I just feel so lost.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Hi, sorry you are dealing with this but know that he is not in recovery, he has
stopped drinking temporarily. He is not finding new coping skills or any of the other
emotional and personality changes that can come from being in real recovery.
It is so important for you to begin going to meetings, it is crucial for your recovery.
There is much for you to learn, so much, and if your therapist is not addiction
educated it is not the best choice for you.
We can't control their drinking, we did not cause it, and we can't cure it. They must
stop drinking for themselves. Alcoholism is progressive - it gets worse and worse.
His family likely connects through drinking and he will blame you for everything.
This will not end well unless he is sincere about recovery (he's not) and you get into
recovery so you can see the big picture of where you are in this. There is lots
of good info in the stickies, the posts above the regular posts.
stopped drinking temporarily. He is not finding new coping skills or any of the other
emotional and personality changes that can come from being in real recovery.
It is so important for you to begin going to meetings, it is crucial for your recovery.
There is much for you to learn, so much, and if your therapist is not addiction
educated it is not the best choice for you.
We can't control their drinking, we did not cause it, and we can't cure it. They must
stop drinking for themselves. Alcoholism is progressive - it gets worse and worse.
His family likely connects through drinking and he will blame you for everything.
This will not end well unless he is sincere about recovery (he's not) and you get into
recovery so you can see the big picture of where you are in this. There is lots
of good info in the stickies, the posts above the regular posts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi CLB80,
You don't have to feel lost. There are many people here that can help guide you through these troublesome times. While your AH is not drinking, he is also not seeking help for Him Self. Until he wants to stop drinking for himself, he will not change. There is nothing you can say to him that will make him change. I know it's frustrating to see someone you love and know can be a better person go through this. This is their journey. They have to choose the path they want to take. You have to decide if you want to stay on the same path with them. Is this path going to lead to your happiness for the years to come.
Al-Anon is good for helping you know that your not alone in dealing with this. It help you get better. I know it's confusing time for you right now. If your AH doesn't seek help on his own to fix the issue he will eventually go back to drinking. The way he is treating you is not that of a loving, caring husband that wants the best for your marriage.
I hope you are reading other post and learning everything you can. This forum has lot of smart people that are here to help you. Keep posting and keep coming back. You are strong and you can get though this.
You don't have to feel lost. There are many people here that can help guide you through these troublesome times. While your AH is not drinking, he is also not seeking help for Him Self. Until he wants to stop drinking for himself, he will not change. There is nothing you can say to him that will make him change. I know it's frustrating to see someone you love and know can be a better person go through this. This is their journey. They have to choose the path they want to take. You have to decide if you want to stay on the same path with them. Is this path going to lead to your happiness for the years to come.
Al-Anon is good for helping you know that your not alone in dealing with this. It help you get better. I know it's confusing time for you right now. If your AH doesn't seek help on his own to fix the issue he will eventually go back to drinking. The way he is treating you is not that of a loving, caring husband that wants the best for your marriage.
I hope you are reading other post and learning everything you can. This forum has lot of smart people that are here to help you. Keep posting and keep coming back. You are strong and you can get though this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CLB........anyone who tries to come between the alcoholic and their ability to drink as they wish, will be regarded as the "enemy".....even if that person is or has been a loved one. Even if they don't say it outright---they will harbor resentments, inside.
Do you know how to read the stories on this forum from the beginning---and follow them over time?
If not----click on a member's name. on the left side of their thread----then, choose from the drop down menu. Chose "previous threads"
You have several thousand personal stories to choose from!
Do you know how to read the stories on this forum from the beginning---and follow them over time?
If not----click on a member's name. on the left side of their thread----then, choose from the drop down menu. Chose "previous threads"
You have several thousand personal stories to choose from!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 5
Thank you. As I mentioned I have ADHD and now my hyper focus has become to learn everything and anything about addiction and how to help myself. It all makes sense, fixing me and detaching from trying to fix him, but in practice it is so hard, I have one fatal flaw and that is being a people pleaser at the sake of my own mental health.
My husband had ruined many relationships in his life that he has only started to take accountability for, he hasn't drank in front of his 15 year old daughter now for 2 years but now he sees her less also. She dealt with his drinking growing up and refused to see him for 10 months, he committed to never drinking around her, but again he does this for HER not for him. There exist more resentment he has.
AH is not the type of person to seek out help, information etc. He works too much and his excuses are he is too busy, too tired. Taking care of his health and wellness is not his top concern most of the time. But from my understanding I should be leaving him alone and not trying to get resources into his hands. I really hope that he keeps the once a month therapy with the addiction specialist and that person can help him recognize he needs to do this for him.
My husband had ruined many relationships in his life that he has only started to take accountability for, he hasn't drank in front of his 15 year old daughter now for 2 years but now he sees her less also. She dealt with his drinking growing up and refused to see him for 10 months, he committed to never drinking around her, but again he does this for HER not for him. There exist more resentment he has.
AH is not the type of person to seek out help, information etc. He works too much and his excuses are he is too busy, too tired. Taking care of his health and wellness is not his top concern most of the time. But from my understanding I should be leaving him alone and not trying to get resources into his hands. I really hope that he keeps the once a month therapy with the addiction specialist and that person can help him recognize he needs to do this for him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by dandylion 
CLB........anyone who tries to come between the alcoholic and their ability to drink as they wish, will be regarded as the "enemy".....even if that person is or has been a loved one. Even if they don't say it outright---they will harbor resentments, inside.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CLB.....the more you try to educate him--and, push written info, and all of the other ways to put messages under his nose--the more he will probably just dig his heels in, even further.
Sometimes, other professionals can be helpful--if he is at all willing to open his mind. If he is going for any other reason than for himself, he can stonewall them, also.
It seems that the best people to get through to an alcoholic are other admitted alcoholics. This is one reason that AA is so helpful. Regular attendance to AA can cut through the defensiveness and the resentments that one often has with their own loved ones and friends.
You can not change him from who he is, no matter how much you want him to be different.
You can, however, let him know how the alcoholism affects YOU. Always being careful to use "I" sentences and not "You" sentences.You can give voice to the boundaries that you have for Yourself---if you want to. You don't ever have to share your own boundaries---but, you can if you want. /that is entirely up to you. You will have to be the one who decides what you are willing or not willing to live with.
Sometimes, other professionals can be helpful--if he is at all willing to open his mind. If he is going for any other reason than for himself, he can stonewall them, also.
It seems that the best people to get through to an alcoholic are other admitted alcoholics. This is one reason that AA is so helpful. Regular attendance to AA can cut through the defensiveness and the resentments that one often has with their own loved ones and friends.
You can not change him from who he is, no matter how much you want him to be different.
You can, however, let him know how the alcoholism affects YOU. Always being careful to use "I" sentences and not "You" sentences.You can give voice to the boundaries that you have for Yourself---if you want to. You don't ever have to share your own boundaries---but, you can if you want. /that is entirely up to you. You will have to be the one who decides what you are willing or not willing to live with.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
To answer your question of "does this ever go away?" In my experience---no. As long as he is in active drinking and NOT into genuine recovery.
For an alcoholic who is not in genuine recovery (which is ongoing for a lifetime)....alcohol is the most important priority in their llife. If you try to take away the most important thing in their life---you will always be regarded as the enemy.
The fact is, that alcoholism is progressive---meaning that it grows worse over time. Yes, it does tear apart relationships and marriages. It destroys the alcoholic and can destroy all of those around him/her. I am being very direct with you. I don't like to have to say this to you---because I know that you are desperate for it to be different.
However, I feel that it is so vital that you understand this basic fact about alcoholism/addiction.
Now, he may not know or understand this---and his denial may have his mind very closed to this....
BUT, I think that it is vital for You to understand this. You need to have this understanding of the facts if you are going to be able to make decisions that are for your own best welfare.
For an alcoholic who is not in genuine recovery (which is ongoing for a lifetime)....alcohol is the most important priority in their llife. If you try to take away the most important thing in their life---you will always be regarded as the enemy.
The fact is, that alcoholism is progressive---meaning that it grows worse over time. Yes, it does tear apart relationships and marriages. It destroys the alcoholic and can destroy all of those around him/her. I am being very direct with you. I don't like to have to say this to you---because I know that you are desperate for it to be different.
However, I feel that it is so vital that you understand this basic fact about alcoholism/addiction.
Now, he may not know or understand this---and his denial may have his mind very closed to this....
BUT, I think that it is vital for You to understand this. You need to have this understanding of the facts if you are going to be able to make decisions that are for your own best welfare.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
Originally Posted by CLB80
Seems to hard to find a Al Anon meeting around me, the only ones I see that are confirmed are all at least an hour drive. Maybe I can try a neighboring state.
As someone who wears both hats (former drinker and family member to alcoholic mother and spouse), it seems pretty certain he will be back drinking soon, most likely via manufacturing / escalating some resentment towards you into a fight and excuse to relapse. As dandy said, you are the enemy keeping him from his beloved booze.
I suggest you start planning your plan B if he doesn’t choose recovery. He has to want it for himself, and be willing to do the hard and deep work to get under and process the feelings that he numbs with alcohol. Signs are not good he is ready for this now, if ever. This began long before you met him, and the bottom painful line is you cannot fix it with either support or ultimatums.
Take care of you— you can still love him but love yourself too. Your pattern of choosing addicts is something you can control and begin work on. Alanon can help with that, but start by reading Codependent No More if you haven’t yet.
This hurts and it is hard, but you can grow from this situation
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
I get this is easy to say online, and hard to do in person, but I really think you need to make a safety plan for yourself and leave. The fact that he put your cats out with complete disregard for their health, and how he holds his attendance at recovery over your head like it's your responsibility, and how belligerent he gets towards you are all huge red flags.
Yeah it's his disease, but this isn't about him. He will do everything he can to make it about him, but it's not. This is about your health and sanity, and he's hurting both of them. I'm also struggling right now with my husband's, who is spiraling through a series of relapses that are tearing us both apart. I've finally reached the point where enough is enough. I don't think his attendance in treatment matters anymore as a condition of our relationship. I don't know if you've reached that point yourself, but just from your post it's clear he is manipulating you relentlessly. You deserve to be treated with love and respect as a partner, not the object to throw blame and ridicule at. His health is entirely in his own hands, just as yours is in your own. You need to focus on your safety and sanity, and find a safe shelter (literally or figuratively) from him.
Yeah it's his disease, but this isn't about him. He will do everything he can to make it about him, but it's not. This is about your health and sanity, and he's hurting both of them. I'm also struggling right now with my husband's, who is spiraling through a series of relapses that are tearing us both apart. I've finally reached the point where enough is enough. I don't think his attendance in treatment matters anymore as a condition of our relationship. I don't know if you've reached that point yourself, but just from your post it's clear he is manipulating you relentlessly. You deserve to be treated with love and respect as a partner, not the object to throw blame and ridicule at. His health is entirely in his own hands, just as yours is in your own. You need to focus on your safety and sanity, and find a safe shelter (literally or figuratively) from him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
HelloAl-anon is not a religious programme. If the word god bothers you, you can replace it with another word - higher power or Good Orderly Direction.
there are so many people in al-anon that completely understand what you are going through and they will share their experience and wisdom with you. You are not alone.
If you can't find a meeting close to you, you could try online.
there are so many people in al-anon that completely understand what you are going through and they will share their experience and wisdom with you. You are not alone.
If you can't find a meeting close to you, you could try online.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by CLB80
Seems to hard to find a Al Anon meeting around me
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Originally Posted by CLB80
(because when he is not drinking he is the best husband I could have, he spoils me, and he is a good person, until he drinks) and all I want is for him to be happy or at least at peace. I asked if he needed additional support from AA or another meeting. I honestly wanted to know what was going on in his head.
he is coming home from work and drinking 6,8,10 beers, all depending on his mood.
I just wonder if your perception of him is perhaps stuck in the past a bit? Or if it's just hope that he will be again what he was? He's not the goofy drinker anymore, he is an angry alcoholic and he's taking that out on you. Even if he were to get sober today, nothing says he will be as you remember him, years have passed, he is living this life style too and it does have an effect.
Not only is it not great for his mental health issues, as he stated, it is probably also creating more.
As dandylion said, when you threaten his drinking you do become the enemy. He is as attached to alcohol as anything you can imagine, it is his first love, his best friend, above all else (yes, including you).
When he thinks of a life without alcohol, that's a tragedy to him and yet you seem to think it's a good idea!
Now I'm guessing, but that is probably what's going on in his head.
If you can't live with his drinking and he obviously is not in a place where he wants to stop, your options are limited. You can either accept him, just as he is, or leave.
I know ideally you want him to quit, but as he won't, what would you like to do?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
