Pineapplepaper

Hi everyone
just looking for some thoughts and input.
My husband was/is a high functioning alcoholic. He stopped drinking mid-March and went to counselling like 4-5 times since. He told me he has made excellent progress and had agreed with his counsellor that from now on, instead of regular monthly meetings, the counsellor will be on a “as needed” basis, available for a phone call as needed.
I am attending al-anon and have been mindful of staying in my own lane.
I still cannot shake this feeling, after a discussion with him on various topics yesterday, that he now is somehow trying to make his drinking problem into “it was not such a big deal” - “see how easily I kicked it to the curb”.
When I said this to him - he got upset and basically it was a “nothing is good enough for you?” scenario. Pointing out how I am not perfect either. Which I know. Is it fair to compare a messy/cluttered house with a binge drinking problem in terms of which one is more harmful for raising a child?? 🤷🏻‍♀️ He thinks of himself not as an alcoholic but as a problem drinker. He admits reducing doesn’t work for him, he tried that numerous times, that’s why he is quitting now.
I guess I am also carrying an enormous amount of resentment. All the times I was abandoned and put in second place behind alcohol. Some events I look back on, and I don’t understand why I stayed with him.
There have been some abusive things and events sporadically in our relationship before and last night was a reminder of those times. Some of the things he said seemed benign enough and well intentioned, but when I think back on it, it was all perfectly orchestrated to make me feel less than. How the drinking is/was not a problem, I am - because I dared to say how I felt about his perspective on how big of a problem his drinking was.
He said he never said his drinking was not a problem, but he was never physically addicted, that’s why it’s easy/easier for him to quit.
I don’t like his lack of humility when it comes to alcohol.
The whole conversation was triggered by me being taken by surprise - I saw him smoke a cigarette. He was a smoker some 20 years ago. He says I need to trust him, part of the process, has no intention of being a smoker etc etc etc. But is disappointed I come down on him so hard for a smoke when he just gave up drinking.
I had mentioned sobriety vs. Recovery. He did not know what I was talking about. I don’t feel it’s my role to educate him.
so that’s it - lots of other things but thanks for reading so far.
I guess I am just trying to find inner peace while waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am re-reading codependent no more.

ironwill

Hi Pineapple,

You are correct that there is a difference between sobriety and recovery. He may have stopped drinking but he is not in recovery. If it's a big deal for you it should be a big deal to him if he cares about you. Yes, he's gone to counseling, but it sounds like he did it to please you and not to get to the root of the problem. He has a problem with alcohol.

You need to look after yourself and not be waiting for the other show to drop. That is no way to live. You have right to be surprised by his smoking if he hadn't done it in 20 years. I would be shocked also. I hope you can find something that brings you happiness so you can get some inner peace. Keep being strong and keep coming back.

trailmix

And what "process" is that exactly, where you just trust someone who hasn't been trustworthy? They say it and you just go along? Hmm, not much of a process, more like just a straight out demand.

So he has been a "problem drinker" for quite some time and I am sure has caused quite a bit of damage, to you, to your child/children, to himself, and to your relationship. But - oh now he's done with that so you just need to settle down and forget all about it.

As you know, it doesn't work like that. Just because he has decided he will quit drinking, does not fix everything and why he thinks he can tell you what to do, I have no idea.

As you also know, alcoholism/addiction is a very selfish pursuit and it certainly sounds like that hasn't changed.

I hope you keep posting and keep going to al anon and I also hope that maybe you will be able to get some therapy because apparently it's wasted on him. Sorry if my post sounds a little angry, his arrogance just kind of set me off!

Question, do you want to continue in a relationship with him?

trailmix

How many of these have you heard?

Excuses Alcoholics Make

.

• Problem? WHAT problem?
• I'm not THAT bad!
• It wasn't my fault or It's not the way it looks!
• All I want is a little relief!
• I'm not hurting anybody but myself!
• Nobody knows the trouble I've seen!
• I've got to be me! or You knew this when you married me!
• I HAVE to drink (or drug) for my work!
• You're not so pure yourself!
• Trust me - I know what I am doing!
• I can stop any time I want to!
• I'm not nearly as bad as OTHER people!
• I HAVE to drink (or drug) to drown my sorrows!
• Now is not a good time to stop!
• It will never, ever happen again!
• Nobody is going to tell ME what to do!
• I'd be OK if it weren't for you!
• Look at all I have done for you! or This is the thanks I get!
• I don't have time (or money) to get help!
• I'll handle it myself!

PeacefulWater12

It struck me that us co-dependent people have also used a lot of these excuses to stay sick.

Us not talking about using alcohol but in us using our controlling, manipulating, martyr etc behaviours. I certainly have.

Ouch. It hurts to realise this.

That Al-anon saying about when we point our finger at someone else, we have three fingers pointing back at ourselves. Ouch at that too.

FallenAngelina

You'll benefit from learning more about alcoholism. There really is no such thing as a high functioning alcoholic. If someone has an issue with alcohol and is not in active recovery, that person is not fully functional. That person is extraordinarily difficult to be around for any length of time. There's no high or low about it, that person is not functional as a friend or a partner.