1st post, sent wife to rehab, struggling as single parent
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
PB&J- have you gone to alanon, I guarantee you folks there have been where you are, or worse. The kids will find similar common ground in Alateen. Trying to tough this out yourself will put you in an early grave.
Fear, guilt and powerlessness is part of what happens to the family & friends of an addict. Alanon, among others, is how you get free of it. Attempts to control and fix is how it is perpetuated.
Fear, guilt and powerlessness is part of what happens to the family & friends of an addict. Alanon, among others, is how you get free of it. Attempts to control and fix is how it is perpetuated.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Dandylion. THIS IS THE BEST reply in this whole thread .
I am 100% in agreeance with everything you have said here.PB I truly hope you follow this piece of advice. It’s gold.
I am 100% in agreeance with everything you have said here.PB I truly hope you follow this piece of advice. It’s gold.
Originally Posted by dandylion 
PB and J......you say that you "don't know what is the right thing to do for my kids". First Universal Truth.....the best thing that you can do for your kids is to take care of their parent (you). As, you are the sober parent and, therefore the one they will have to depend on to make the best decisions about their welfare. Your wife is not capable of that, as she is controlled by her addiction and that is her main driving force (not you or her children).
The children need at least ONE healthy parent. In other words---if you go down--they go down. Right now, you are the Captain of their "ship".
It is better to be from a "broken home" than to live IN a broken home. Right now, it looks as if their home is already "broken".
All of the other members, here will tell you that, from their own experience in growing up in an alcoholic home. An alcoholic home is not ever a healthy home---no matter how it looks from the outside.
I think that there is a false idea, held by many ol the masses---that as long as everyone is under one roof---everything is o.k. That couldn't be further from the truth. Everything that I have ever seen tells me that this is not always true. Some of the most brutal stories of child abuse--both overt and covert---while everyone is snugly under the same roof.
Strong parents do not let the children make the decisions about whether the parents should seperate or divorce. That is putting parent responsibilities on the solders of little children. That is too much responsibility for them and can result in a host of unintended consequences.
You will need to make the important (and hard) decisions for their overall welfare. Children can be very resilient if at least one strong and trusted adult will attend to their daily safety and predictability of their environment.
My suggestion---please get immediate help for YOU in understanding about how to handle the children---and what is best for them--in addition to managing your own feelings about all of this. I think you need the clear eyes and objectiveness of those who are schooled in child development. This is just too much for you to sholder all by yourself.
Maybe, reread Trailmix's last post on this subject. Do not have the tail wagging the dog.
The children need at least ONE healthy parent. In other words---if you go down--they go down. Right now, you are the Captain of their "ship".
It is better to be from a "broken home" than to live IN a broken home. Right now, it looks as if their home is already "broken".
All of the other members, here will tell you that, from their own experience in growing up in an alcoholic home. An alcoholic home is not ever a healthy home---no matter how it looks from the outside.
I think that there is a false idea, held by many ol the masses---that as long as everyone is under one roof---everything is o.k. That couldn't be further from the truth. Everything that I have ever seen tells me that this is not always true. Some of the most brutal stories of child abuse--both overt and covert---while everyone is snugly under the same roof.
Strong parents do not let the children make the decisions about whether the parents should seperate or divorce. That is putting parent responsibilities on the solders of little children. That is too much responsibility for them and can result in a host of unintended consequences.
You will need to make the important (and hard) decisions for their overall welfare. Children can be very resilient if at least one strong and trusted adult will attend to their daily safety and predictability of their environment.
My suggestion---please get immediate help for YOU in understanding about how to handle the children---and what is best for them--in addition to managing your own feelings about all of this. I think you need the clear eyes and objectiveness of those who are schooled in child development. This is just too much for you to sholder all by yourself.
Maybe, reread Trailmix's last post on this subject. Do not have the tail wagging the dog.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
PB, please read my history. Reading yours is like looking into my past. I really have been there. To catch you up on everything: I've just filed for Absolute Divorce last week. We would've had our 20th anniversary this week, but we haven't celebrated that for years. Her addiction and neither of us doing anything about it for over 10 years have wrecked the entire family(4 kids here...). It's done. I won't go too much into it for now, but I'll share what a friend had told me. He is a childhood survivor of an alcoholic father who was not only high functioning, but also an attorney. Crazy times he recalled. Anyway, after I filed for divorce, I told him I appreciated that he didn't keep pounding me on leaving with the kids or making her leave during this whole time. His response(paraphrased): 'you had to come to a point when you've exhausted yourself, using all the tools that you thought could work, but only to find out that nothing you or anyone else can do about another's addiction will work. Well meaning people can and will tell you things to consider and do (like they do here on this forum) and while it's well intended, you have to come to that place like where you are now: just sick and tired of being sick and tired and all the tools you tried in your chest didn't help.'. I am in no way bashing this forum...it's helped me so much in the past. And yes, I question so much about 'if I would've did this or that sooner, etc'...well...you know where that leads. The point is, I've come to the point where staying in the miserable hell that is our marriage has gotten far more painful than leaving it, even with 4 kids (2 minors) in tow. We have a much better life ahead of us, and even the thought of having to sell their childhood home and moving to someplace else doesn't hurt even close to what it once did. It's just over. I seriously hope you reach your point way sooner than I did. (I joined this forum before 2007, I think). There are no merit badges, trophies or anything else to win in doing so. Only more scars for you and your kids...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 22
Thank you all so much. I don’t reply or post much here but I keep coming back to read and reread your replies and experiences. They give me strength and lessens the burden briefly. I think I am close to my rock bottom but I’ve also thought that many times before. Every time I somehow find a piece of hope it’s destroyed.
my bill from going to the hospital recently is almost $2k, so going back there is not a possibility.
I feel like a clip on a Manila envelope. As you open and close it, open and close, eventually the metal tabs fatigue and break off, and my tabs broke off long ago.
Last night my younger son had to console me as I cried. He doesn’t deserve this nor is it his job to take care of me, it’s my job to take care of him. every day my wife says she hates drinking and wants to get better, yet she drinks wine coolers all day and harder stuff at night. I don’t know what’s real anymore and what is not. What is the truth and what is a lie? Does she want to get better or is it all a game to placate me so she can get drunk more often? Mental illness sucks and creeps in slowly. Eventually you hit a point where you wonder how you accept crazy things as normal. How did I get so far from normal and how is it when I question this new “normal” I am made to think I’m the crazy one?
my bill from going to the hospital recently is almost $2k, so going back there is not a possibility.
I feel like a clip on a Manila envelope. As you open and close it, open and close, eventually the metal tabs fatigue and break off, and my tabs broke off long ago.
Last night my younger son had to console me as I cried. He doesn’t deserve this nor is it his job to take care of me, it’s my job to take care of him. every day my wife says she hates drinking and wants to get better, yet she drinks wine coolers all day and harder stuff at night. I don’t know what’s real anymore and what is not. What is the truth and what is a lie? Does she want to get better or is it all a game to placate me so she can get drunk more often? Mental illness sucks and creeps in slowly. Eventually you hit a point where you wonder how you accept crazy things as normal. How did I get so far from normal and how is it when I question this new “normal” I am made to think I’m the crazy one?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
PBandJ....you MUST get some face to face support. The is a mental health department of every county government in this country. I suggest that you go on the internet and look up your county government and find the numbers of social workers in that department and contact them as an Emergency. Talk to the social worker/s or go there is person and tell them that you have children and you are at the breaking point. They will assign you a case worker and they will get you emergency treatment.
Taking an action will help you feel less helpless and overwhelmed. Be sure to communicate, to them that you are deeply depressed. Tell them everything.
Also, you can attend online alanon meetings if there are none close enough for you.
All of the county governments have alcoholism and addictions programs---available to your wife for free--and, some at very low cost. You can talk to the social workers in that section of the Public Health Department of your county.
There is help available and there are options. It is time to take some action in a constructive direction, as this will not get better on it's own.
You have more strength that you think. We all do.
Taking an action will help you feel less helpless and overwhelmed. Be sure to communicate, to them that you are deeply depressed. Tell them everything.
Also, you can attend online alanon meetings if there are none close enough for you.
All of the county governments have alcoholism and addictions programs---available to your wife for free--and, some at very low cost. You can talk to the social workers in that section of the Public Health Department of your county.
There is help available and there are options. It is time to take some action in a constructive direction, as this will not get better on it's own.
You have more strength that you think. We all do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Perhaps because you have conflicting view points being given to you. If we just look at what you stated above:
What Wife says: I hate drinking and want to get better!
What Wife does: drinks wine coolers all day and harder stuff at night
What is the truth and what is a lie?
Giving your wife the benefit of the doubt, both things are true.
This is where many people (not just you) get hung up. These two things are in direct conflict based on actions, but her statement is probably true. There is no such thing as a happy alcoholic.
I can't even think of a good analogy. How about if someone said to you, you know, if you only ate every other week, your family would be much better off (and this was true). How would that go, how many hours or days before you are around the side of the house with a chicken burger. Would you be able to think of anything else after day 1? Able to concentrate, think clearly? No because your body wants you to eat! It's programmed that way, this is good for him and he must do it and don't waste time, get that food now!
So you start eating in the house eventually, because omg, what's the use of sneaking around the side of the house. They can yell at me but they don't understand that I NEED to do this, they don't know how I feel.
That's a pretty good analogy. So while you might have the greatest intentions and say to anyone who will listen - I really want to only eat every other week, how long would that resolve last.
Cognitive dissonance:
"The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the mental discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. People tend to seek consistency in their attitudes and perceptions, so this conflict causes feelings of unease or discomfort".
That sounds pretty crazy making doesn't it.
Now I'm just going to be blunt, the sooner you get out of there, the better. Save yourself and your children - let go or be dragged.
What Wife says: I hate drinking and want to get better!
What Wife does: drinks wine coolers all day and harder stuff at night
What is the truth and what is a lie?
Giving your wife the benefit of the doubt, both things are true.
This is where many people (not just you) get hung up. These two things are in direct conflict based on actions, but her statement is probably true. There is no such thing as a happy alcoholic.
I can't even think of a good analogy. How about if someone said to you, you know, if you only ate every other week, your family would be much better off (and this was true). How would that go, how many hours or days before you are around the side of the house with a chicken burger. Would you be able to think of anything else after day 1? Able to concentrate, think clearly? No because your body wants you to eat! It's programmed that way, this is good for him and he must do it and don't waste time, get that food now!
So you start eating in the house eventually, because omg, what's the use of sneaking around the side of the house. They can yell at me but they don't understand that I NEED to do this, they don't know how I feel.
That's a pretty good analogy. So while you might have the greatest intentions and say to anyone who will listen - I really want to only eat every other week, how long would that resolve last.
Cognitive dissonance:
"The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the mental discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. People tend to seek consistency in their attitudes and perceptions, so this conflict causes feelings of unease or discomfort".
That sounds pretty crazy making doesn't it.
Now I'm just going to be blunt, the sooner you get out of there, the better. Save yourself and your children - let go or be dragged.
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