1st post, sent wife to rehab, struggling as single parent
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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So much of what everyone has written hits so close to home it's scary. I'm reading everything, and many times, and I apologize if I don't respond to everything. I couldn't get out of bed until 2pm today but finally pulled myself out to take a shower and get on my work laptop. Then I snapped at the kids because they probably misplaced the charger. It might have been me, but I'm so frustrated and spent. I'm still recovering from my surgery which is making me cranky, too.
We've talked two times briefly and have a zoom on tuesday. She mailed a long letter, too, most telling of her experience getting there and meeting people. It was light-hearted. She asked me to order her a bunch of sobriety books, which I did. Also some other instructions for sending her things, etc. She did manage to pay some bills from rehab yesterday which I appreciate. But am I wrong to be angry that she's being taken care of so well where she is and I'm here hanging on by a thread? How do I not become bitter and resentful of that? I guess I have to acknowledge this is a disease and it's not her fault. Like I've said, I'm no saint and I've drank too much myself many times, but I am not addicted in the same way at all. I can maintain an alcohol-free house for her when she returns. It won't be easy but I can do it. I'm worried she will get mad at me for going out for a friday beer with a coworker, which has come to be a bonding event for us. This coworker (a fellow male, FWIW) is one of the closest things to a friend I have, so I have to find the b*lls to stand my ground in that.
We've talked two times briefly and have a zoom on tuesday. She mailed a long letter, too, most telling of her experience getting there and meeting people. It was light-hearted. She asked me to order her a bunch of sobriety books, which I did. Also some other instructions for sending her things, etc. She did manage to pay some bills from rehab yesterday which I appreciate. But am I wrong to be angry that she's being taken care of so well where she is and I'm here hanging on by a thread? How do I not become bitter and resentful of that? I guess I have to acknowledge this is a disease and it's not her fault. Like I've said, I'm no saint and I've drank too much myself many times, but I am not addicted in the same way at all. I can maintain an alcohol-free house for her when she returns. It won't be easy but I can do it. I'm worried she will get mad at me for going out for a friday beer with a coworker, which has come to be a bonding event for us. This coworker (a fellow male, FWIW) is one of the closest things to a friend I have, so I have to find the b*lls to stand my ground in that.
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina 
PBandJ, what is your support system for helping you deal with your emotions?
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The being angry while she is in there with support and people taking care of her, that's a pretty natural reaction from what I have seen here.
I'm going to be blunt here. You and she are far too intertwined. What she is doing should really be of very little concern to you in your day to day operation there. She is off trying to get better, she had to do this, that's her side of the street. She is powerless at this point to fix what is happening to you at home.
Now, that's for you to figure out. Do you need to hire a trusted babysitter twice a week so you can have that counselling, online or outside? Do you need a delivery service for dinner? No, this isn't just about throwing money at this problem. This is about saving yourself. You can't save her from alcoholism or depression or whatever she is dealing with, she can't save you from your situation.
You know there are actually places you can go to when you are having relationship issues, to unwind, get counselling and direction etc etc. So it is not unheard of and no reason why you can't do that if you choose. If YOU choose. You have to start choosing things for yourself, to help yourself. Her alcoholism cannot be the center of your world, it will make you crazy.
As for a drink after work, that's one of those things you choose for yourself, it has nothing to do with her. It's something you need. No use borrowing trouble before it's here, but how she has reacted historically may not be how she reacts now. I don't know if you mean you have 1 or 2 drinks and go home or if you stay out for hours drinking, so I'm guessing here (I would be mad about that too btw). She might get mad at you sure, choices have consequences, but this is where my blunt statement about you two being too intertwined came from. It may be that you two are not compatible. It may not even be the alcohol or maybe that is or was playing a big part, you don't know at this point, but you are (hopefully) going to find out. You don't know that she will stay sober.
Stop, take a few deep breaths, you can only do 1 thing at a time.
I'm going to be blunt here. You and she are far too intertwined. What she is doing should really be of very little concern to you in your day to day operation there. She is off trying to get better, she had to do this, that's her side of the street. She is powerless at this point to fix what is happening to you at home.
Now, that's for you to figure out. Do you need to hire a trusted babysitter twice a week so you can have that counselling, online or outside? Do you need a delivery service for dinner? No, this isn't just about throwing money at this problem. This is about saving yourself. You can't save her from alcoholism or depression or whatever she is dealing with, she can't save you from your situation.
You know there are actually places you can go to when you are having relationship issues, to unwind, get counselling and direction etc etc. So it is not unheard of and no reason why you can't do that if you choose. If YOU choose. You have to start choosing things for yourself, to help yourself. Her alcoholism cannot be the center of your world, it will make you crazy.
As for a drink after work, that's one of those things you choose for yourself, it has nothing to do with her. It's something you need. No use borrowing trouble before it's here, but how she has reacted historically may not be how she reacts now. I don't know if you mean you have 1 or 2 drinks and go home or if you stay out for hours drinking, so I'm guessing here (I would be mad about that too btw). She might get mad at you sure, choices have consequences, but this is where my blunt statement about you two being too intertwined came from. It may be that you two are not compatible. It may not even be the alcohol or maybe that is or was playing a big part, you don't know at this point, but you are (hopefully) going to find out. You don't know that she will stay sober.
Stop, take a few deep breaths, you can only do 1 thing at a time.
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PBand J------re member, that the rehab probably does look to you as a vacation time---a chance to be free of housework and caring for kids. But, for her, it probably feels the opposite---that of facing her worst fears---being confronted on her drinking behaviors---;trying to face living without her "lifeline" (alcohol)---facing her own considerable guilt and shame---fear of relapse and losing her kids a nd, maybe her marriage and financial security, etc. Each day for her, may feel like a trip through *ell.
The two of you view the world through different filters---naturally. To you alcohol is seen as
the
problem.
To her, alcohol has been the solution.
As pointed out, before---you both have a lot of accumulated anger, resentments, and bitterness toward each other. This is why I have suggested that you two consider a period of time living separate from each other. Like some months in a sober living facility, before considering living under the same roof. (people can get "passes" to visit home and family, while living in sober living.
You still have a lot of work to do on your side of the street---and, that is going to take some time---more time than just the rehab timetable.
I have read, several times, that, statistically, more couples split up after rehab than before rehab. I suspect that this is true----and, I propose that this may be because of unrealistic expectations and how unprepared the couples are for how hard the early sobriety period is for Both parties. I think that there is soooo much eagernfess to resume daily life, like it was before---thinking that just because the alcoholic is not drinking liquior, that all will be done and dusted.
It seems to be well documented that the couples who have the best chance of making it, together---are those who Both work their own programs of recovery--- and have a wiliness to do what needs to be done.
, rather than what they want to do.
The two of you view the world through different filters---naturally. To you alcohol is seen as
the
problem.
To her, alcohol has been the solution.
As pointed out, before---you both have a lot of accumulated anger, resentments, and bitterness toward each other. This is why I have suggested that you two consider a period of time living separate from each other. Like some months in a sober living facility, before considering living under the same roof. (people can get "passes" to visit home and family, while living in sober living.
You still have a lot of work to do on your side of the street---and, that is going to take some time---more time than just the rehab timetable.
I have read, several times, that, statistically, more couples split up after rehab than before rehab. I suspect that this is true----and, I propose that this may be because of unrealistic expectations and how unprepared the couples are for how hard the early sobriety period is for Both parties. I think that there is soooo much eagernfess to resume daily life, like it was before---thinking that just because the alcoholic is not drinking liquior, that all will be done and dusted.
It seems to be well documented that the couples who have the best chance of making it, together---are those who Both work their own programs of recovery--- and have a wiliness to do what needs to be done.
, rather than what they want to do.
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PBand J-----I think that if your wife gives you grief about having a beer when you are out with others---that would not be a sign of recovery thinking, on her part.
I agree that you will have to enforce your own boundaries. She may not like this. She, very well may not like some of the changes that she may see in you. If so, that is on her side of the street to deal with it. Remember that, just because she might get mad at something---it doesn't mean that the world will stop spinning on it's axis---or that the cattle will fall ill and the locusts will come.
All of us can get glad in the same pants that we got mad in.
I agree that you will have to enforce your own boundaries. She may not like this. She, very well may not like some of the changes that she may see in you. If so, that is on her side of the street to deal with it. Remember that, just because she might get mad at something---it doesn't mean that the world will stop spinning on it's axis---or that the cattle will fall ill and the locusts will come.
All of us can get glad in the same pants that we got mad in.
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We spoke briefly again a little while ago. She said while it's only been a few days she feels she will come out a different person. She is quite shy but said she has been outgoing and has "found her people." I think all of the openness and lack of judgement is very appealing. She's been embracing spiritual and art classes. I hope all this is true and once the cushion underneath is gone and she's back in the real world, she will continue to work hard at this. I don't know how well she will do when left to manage herself. She's being kept very busy right now without much choice in the matter. My chest is tight thinking about everything and trying to be everyone right now. I have a follow-up appt tomorrow afternoon with my surgeon who will remove some uncomfortable bandages, so I'm hoping my outlook is more positive at that point.
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That's great, I hope you find it really helpful. I know I mentioned the book earlier in the thread - Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie - but it can be a game changer. I think the beauty of it is that it can change the way you think about things and how you approach them. These are good tools to have and reduce your stress.
It's not a "heavy duty" book either (as some self help books can be), which can be really off-putting.
It's not a "heavy duty" book either (as some self help books can be), which can be really off-putting.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by PBandJ
We spoke briefly again a little while ago. She said while it's only been a few days she feels she will come out a different person. She is quite shy but said she has been outgoing and has "found her people." I think all of the openness and lack of judgement is very appealing. She's been embracing spiritual and art classes. I hope all this is true and once the cushion underneath is gone and she's back in the real world, she will continue to work hard at this. I don't know how well she will do when left to manage herself. She's being kept very busy right now without much choice in the matter. My chest is tight thinking about everything and trying to be everyone right now. I have a follow-up appt tomorrow afternoon with my surgeon who will remove some uncomfortable bandages, so I'm hoping my outlook is more positive at that point.
As mentioned, you can't take her negative comments to heart right now and you can't actually take the positive ones to heart either. Have you ever laid in bed at night and thought, tomorrow I am taking the kids to get their hair cut, then I'll drop them at my parents and finish building/fixing <insert project here> but first I'll pop over to home depot for that paint and start priming the living room as well. Then after dinner I can do some weeding. lol Makes me laugh just typing that out. I do this, maybe not quite that extreme.
It's just that when you are all safely tucked up, all these things seem possible and like a really great idea! Well right now she is surrounded by support and moving back in to a totally normal life seems completely doable. The reality may be different.
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Also I haven’t seen it mentioned here (unless I missed it) but read codependent no more. Like trail mix said you two are way too intertwined which is very common in these types of relationships and I certainly was guilty of that as well. I think the difference with me was that I really detached from my then AH the year leading up to his rehab so I almost could care less about him him while he was in rehab, I was honestly glad to be rid of him for a while.
and yes the feeling that she is well taken care of while you are at home keeping everything afloat is very common and normal. After all you aren’t the one with the disease even though you probably suffer(ed) more than your wife. That is why counseling needs to be made a priority for/by you. Do what you have to do. I promise you will find is very helpful once you get started. And don’t go once a month either, at least not in the beginning. This isn’t run of the mill depression or anxiety, you are currently in crisis mode and so weekly counseling would be really good for you. Too bad therapists can’t counsel across state lines because I would totally recommend my guy and he is all virtual right now.
My ex was very pissy that I was completely distant from him during rehab (and let’s be honest after as well...I didn’t really want him to come home after 3 months) while all his rehab buddies’ wives were in regular contact. But later on in marriage counseling he also said that in the end I actually did him a favor because I it forced him to focus on himself instead of me or us. It might not be a bad idea to take a mental break from your wife. Like you said, she is getting all the attention while you are struggling as well. Don’t be afraid to tell her you need distance for a while while you are trying to cope yourself and juggling a million thing. At this point she may not get or understand this but that’s ok. She has counselors who can work with her. You need help just as much as she does. Your were sober through all of it and so you have a lot to deal with as well because you remember everything!! And like someone else mentioned it may seem like she hips having a vacation but truthfully rehab if done right is mentally exhausting. They have several AA/NA and group meetings a day, individual therapy etc where they are constantly being confronted about alcoholism and a lot of that isn’t pleasant as they ar heaving to face a lot of uncomfortable things including the fact that they can never drink again because moderation is not something they can do. And that is really hard from alcoholics to accept. In the end being the non rehab/non alcoholic is still the better position to be in clearly but that doesn’t mean that being in that position is easy because it is not.
i was probably a total b*tch but we went to thanksgiving brunch (him me our kid and his nieces whom we raised) while he was in rehab (he’d been in about 6 weeks) and I did order a mimosa. I continued to drink after he came home, but I never drink alone at home so that wasn’t an issue at all. I would drink at our friends houses and if we went ou to dinner (I would just have one drink) once a week. If they are truly in recovery this should not bother them, or at least they should be able to cope with it. Alcoholics can never touch alcohol again. But since I wasn’t the one with the problem and I felt like I had already sacrificed so much for his disease I wasn’t willing to give up alcohol while out. So you should still be able to go out with your friends and have drinks. You probably don’t want to come home drunk but just normal drinking shouldn’t be a problem. She will need tog et used to it. Keeping your home alcohol free is very reasonable though and not that hard to do.
and yes it is a disease but that doesn’t mean she should be excused for her behaviors. They make the choice to drink ultimately. The disease makes it so they cannot stop but they decide to pick up that drink. It is a complicated dynamic between disease and choice (this is very well explained in that documentary pleasure uncover)
cut yourself some slack and do not be too hard on yourself. Have a good cry, talk to your friends, come here. Are you friends with your kids’ friends parents at all? Can they pitch in with some after school playtime (not sure what your covid situation is school wise). It would be good for your kids too to have some distraction. I don’t know how old your older one is but I would be honest with your kids about that things are hard for you right now with mommy being gone to get help and when you get mad at them for things that are minor I would make sure to apologize and that it isn’t their fault (btw they also need to know that mommy drinking has nothing to do with anything you or them or anyone else has done or said, very important) and that you get frustrated easily right now. Find some kid books that discuss alcoholism and addiction (rehab might have some good resources for that, my books weren’t in English so I can’t make any recommendations).
I can’t stress enough to make time for you to do counseling, do Alanon, go have dinner or a drink with friends or have a nap. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and don’t be afraid to be honest with people whom you are asking help from as yo why you need help. You don’t need to shout if from the rooftop that your wife is an alcoholic but people in your circle can know on an as needed basis. No need to hide or be ashamed of that. You are not the one with the problem. If you can afford to take time off from work maybe take a day off here and there to recharge.
also your wife can order whatever books she wants I’m sure to be delivered to the rehab. Amazon is great for that.
one day at a time, not just for the alcoholic but for you as well. It is easier to manage that way.
PS a lot of addicts feel like a million bucks the first few weeks but it is sort of a honeymoon period and there will be plenty of ups and downs during the whole process. And yes if it is done right your wife will be a different person. That’s why you shouldn’t make any big life changes the first year because things will change constantly mot of all your wife. And you as well. You both have to in order to be in a healthier place/relationship...not just with her but in life.
and yes the feeling that she is well taken care of while you are at home keeping everything afloat is very common and normal. After all you aren’t the one with the disease even though you probably suffer(ed) more than your wife. That is why counseling needs to be made a priority for/by you. Do what you have to do. I promise you will find is very helpful once you get started. And don’t go once a month either, at least not in the beginning. This isn’t run of the mill depression or anxiety, you are currently in crisis mode and so weekly counseling would be really good for you. Too bad therapists can’t counsel across state lines because I would totally recommend my guy and he is all virtual right now.
My ex was very pissy that I was completely distant from him during rehab (and let’s be honest after as well...I didn’t really want him to come home after 3 months) while all his rehab buddies’ wives were in regular contact. But later on in marriage counseling he also said that in the end I actually did him a favor because I it forced him to focus on himself instead of me or us. It might not be a bad idea to take a mental break from your wife. Like you said, she is getting all the attention while you are struggling as well. Don’t be afraid to tell her you need distance for a while while you are trying to cope yourself and juggling a million thing. At this point she may not get or understand this but that’s ok. She has counselors who can work with her. You need help just as much as she does. Your were sober through all of it and so you have a lot to deal with as well because you remember everything!! And like someone else mentioned it may seem like she hips having a vacation but truthfully rehab if done right is mentally exhausting. They have several AA/NA and group meetings a day, individual therapy etc where they are constantly being confronted about alcoholism and a lot of that isn’t pleasant as they ar heaving to face a lot of uncomfortable things including the fact that they can never drink again because moderation is not something they can do. And that is really hard from alcoholics to accept. In the end being the non rehab/non alcoholic is still the better position to be in clearly but that doesn’t mean that being in that position is easy because it is not.
i was probably a total b*tch but we went to thanksgiving brunch (him me our kid and his nieces whom we raised) while he was in rehab (he’d been in about 6 weeks) and I did order a mimosa. I continued to drink after he came home, but I never drink alone at home so that wasn’t an issue at all. I would drink at our friends houses and if we went ou to dinner (I would just have one drink) once a week. If they are truly in recovery this should not bother them, or at least they should be able to cope with it. Alcoholics can never touch alcohol again. But since I wasn’t the one with the problem and I felt like I had already sacrificed so much for his disease I wasn’t willing to give up alcohol while out. So you should still be able to go out with your friends and have drinks. You probably don’t want to come home drunk but just normal drinking shouldn’t be a problem. She will need tog et used to it. Keeping your home alcohol free is very reasonable though and not that hard to do.
and yes it is a disease but that doesn’t mean she should be excused for her behaviors. They make the choice to drink ultimately. The disease makes it so they cannot stop but they decide to pick up that drink. It is a complicated dynamic between disease and choice (this is very well explained in that documentary pleasure uncover)
cut yourself some slack and do not be too hard on yourself. Have a good cry, talk to your friends, come here. Are you friends with your kids’ friends parents at all? Can they pitch in with some after school playtime (not sure what your covid situation is school wise). It would be good for your kids too to have some distraction. I don’t know how old your older one is but I would be honest with your kids about that things are hard for you right now with mommy being gone to get help and when you get mad at them for things that are minor I would make sure to apologize and that it isn’t their fault (btw they also need to know that mommy drinking has nothing to do with anything you or them or anyone else has done or said, very important) and that you get frustrated easily right now. Find some kid books that discuss alcoholism and addiction (rehab might have some good resources for that, my books weren’t in English so I can’t make any recommendations).
I can’t stress enough to make time for you to do counseling, do Alanon, go have dinner or a drink with friends or have a nap. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and don’t be afraid to be honest with people whom you are asking help from as yo why you need help. You don’t need to shout if from the rooftop that your wife is an alcoholic but people in your circle can know on an as needed basis. No need to hide or be ashamed of that. You are not the one with the problem. If you can afford to take time off from work maybe take a day off here and there to recharge.
also your wife can order whatever books she wants I’m sure to be delivered to the rehab. Amazon is great for that.
one day at a time, not just for the alcoholic but for you as well. It is easier to manage that way.
PS a lot of addicts feel like a million bucks the first few weeks but it is sort of a honeymoon period and there will be plenty of ups and downs during the whole process. And yes if it is done right your wife will be a different person. That’s why you shouldn’t make any big life changes the first year because things will change constantly mot of all your wife. And you as well. You both have to in order to be in a healthier place/relationship...not just with her but in life.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Btw your wife thinking that your being in therapy is gaming up on her....that is just because she doesn’t want to face the truth about her issues. Hopefully rehab will change her mindset on that and she will understand that that is not the case. If not then I don’t have high hopes for long term sobriety. You will learn healthy coping skills and setting boundaries, and addicts don’t like boundaries.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Not exactly relative to the topic at hand but I believe this could be some very useful advice, for you alone. You mentioned your blood pressure and stress. Although much easier said than done, if you are able I would suggest working out. Start jogging daily. Not only will it severely help with your BP and overall health, it will also help to clear your mind. It will give you something to latch onto that you own---your own health of body and mind. Again very easy to say and tough to do, and you may already, but if not I'd give it major consideration. I know this from experience as I've been in a couple very tough relationships with big-time drinkers and it wore on me tremendously. Being active helped so much, as I also had high BP made much worse from all the drama. It will help for sure. 20 minutes a day, wake up early ot whatever you need to do to clear the schedule. And although it will unlikely improve the direct relationship with your wife, it will totally improve your health that is being put on back burner as well as give you some much needed, and when in a tough relationship, hard to come by endorphins. And who knows, perhaps your wife sees this personal commitment you make and it inspires her to do better herself, maybe leading to her own big health changes as well. Take it slow and when you feel rough initially, power through. Only good things can happen with this, that much I know.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Originally Posted by California123
Not exactly relative to the topic at hand but I believe this could be some very useful advice, for you alone. You mentioned your blood pressure and stress. Although much easier said than done, if you are able I would suggest working out. Start jogging daily. Not only will it severely help with your BP and overall health, it will also help to clear your mind. It will give you something to latch onto that you own---your own health of body and mind. Again very easy to say and tough to do, and you may already, but if not I'd give it major consideration. I know this from experience as I've been in a couple very tough relationships with big-time drinkers and it wore on me tremendously. Being active helped so much, as I also had high BP made much worse from all the drama. It will help for sure. 20 minutes a day, wake up early ot whatever you need to do to clear the schedule. And although it will unlikely improve the direct relationship with your wife, it will totally improve your health that is being put on back burner as well as give you some much needed, and when in a tough relationship, hard to come by endorphins. And who knows, perhaps your wife sees this personal commitment you make and it inspires her to do better herself, maybe leading to her own big health changes as well. Take it slow and when you feel rough initially, power through. Only good things can happen with this, that much I know.
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Another miserable day of trying to be Mr. Mom. I'm struggling. I'm lonely. I think my wife had a valid point that when I came home from work, I should have given her more adult attention instead of cleaning up. The days are very isolating and she was home for over 5 years with the kids. You really do need to be a strong person to be active during this COVID time. My job was not really affected by it (until now) so this has been a lesson.
I don't want anyone to think I'm not taking the advice on books, counseling, etc. I wanted to pop in for a sec for some adult interaction. This remote school is a nightmare. My oldest has some special needs and requires almost constant assistance. The technology is terribly slow and cumbersome. Add in me trying to work full time, phone calls, make/clean up food for kids, etc. I just found out my kindergartener was supposed to have been doing homework the past week, too. I choked down lunch, took a shower, and felt like I was going to puke. I hope this doesn't come across as too much whining. I'll get out of the house soon for dr appt, if that counts as me-time, hehe.
I don't want anyone to think I'm not taking the advice on books, counseling, etc. I wanted to pop in for a sec for some adult interaction. This remote school is a nightmare. My oldest has some special needs and requires almost constant assistance. The technology is terribly slow and cumbersome. Add in me trying to work full time, phone calls, make/clean up food for kids, etc. I just found out my kindergartener was supposed to have been doing homework the past week, too. I choked down lunch, took a shower, and felt like I was going to puke. I hope this doesn't come across as too much whining. I'll get out of the house soon for dr appt, if that counts as me-time, hehe.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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lol I think you will have to count that as "me time", hope with the bandages off it's more comfortable for you.
I'm wondering, is there any assistance the school can give? You mention your child has special needs, is there perhaps an assistant or a special tutoring program that you could tap in to? It would be worth asking.
Yes, being at home with children can be isolating, covid or not, however, keep in mind you are not your wife's cruise director. It is up to her to find avenues for friendships and activities. Or perhaps she would enjoy working part time or something when a vaccine is found. But again, that's up to her and maybe a subject you can broach when that time arrives.
As for cleaning the house, perhaps you can hire someone to come in and do a complete house cleaning one day? I'm no housekeeping expert but once you have a clean slate you can keep on top of things so much easier. Barring that, perhaps one room at a time. The kids can help too!
They have homework in kindergarten?? Egads! Perhaps you need to slow down, Rome wasn't built in a day. You don't have to be perfect.
I'm wondering, is there any assistance the school can give? You mention your child has special needs, is there perhaps an assistant or a special tutoring program that you could tap in to? It would be worth asking.
Yes, being at home with children can be isolating, covid or not, however, keep in mind you are not your wife's cruise director. It is up to her to find avenues for friendships and activities. Or perhaps she would enjoy working part time or something when a vaccine is found. But again, that's up to her and maybe a subject you can broach when that time arrives.
As for cleaning the house, perhaps you can hire someone to come in and do a complete house cleaning one day? I'm no housekeeping expert but once you have a clean slate you can keep on top of things so much easier. Barring that, perhaps one room at a time. The kids can help too!
They have homework in kindergarten?? Egads! Perhaps you need to slow down, Rome wasn't built in a day. You don't have to be perfect.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Originally Posted by PBandJ
Another miserable day of trying to be Mr. Mom. I'm struggling. I'm lonely. I think my wife had a valid point that when I came home from work, I should have given her more adult attention instead of cleaning up. The days are very isolating and she was home for over 5 years with the kids. You really do need to be a strong person to be active during this COVID time. My job was not really affected by it (until now) so this has been a lesson.
I don't want anyone to think I'm not taking the advice on books, counseling, etc. I wanted to pop in for a sec for some adult interaction. This remote school is a nightmare. My oldest has some special needs and requires almost constant assistance. The technology is terribly slow and cumbersome. Add in me trying to work full time, phone calls, make/clean up food for kids, etc. I just found out my kindergartener was supposed to have been doing homework the past week, too. I choked down lunch, took a shower, and felt like I was going to puke. I hope this doesn't come across as too much whining. I'll get out of the house soon for dr appt, if that counts as me-time, hehe.
I don't want anyone to think I'm not taking the advice on books, counseling, etc. I wanted to pop in for a sec for some adult interaction. This remote school is a nightmare. My oldest has some special needs and requires almost constant assistance. The technology is terribly slow and cumbersome. Add in me trying to work full time, phone calls, make/clean up food for kids, etc. I just found out my kindergartener was supposed to have been doing homework the past week, too. I choked down lunch, took a shower, and felt like I was going to puke. I hope this doesn't come across as too much whining. I'll get out of the house soon for dr appt, if that counts as me-time, hehe.
Are you in the US? If so, I don’t believe kindergarten is mandatory so honestly I would care very little about their schooling right now (the K one) Worst case you catch up on the weekend. They shouldn’t have that much homework and if they do I would tell them to stuff it. Tell the teacher what is going on (my kids teacher knew what was going on, important info for them to know as it can affect what’s going on at school) and that you just cannot handle keeping up right now as you have more important things to do like survive. If at all possible maybe you can hire a babysitter for a couple of hours a day during the week and have them help. Maybe a college kid that is doing remote learning as well.
i would try to focus on the most important stuff to keep your sanity. Pick your battles so to speak. Kindergarten homeschooling is not that important right now. As for your older one, worst case he gets behind and may need to repeat a grade, not the end of the world under the circumstances. People that don’t have rehab drama to deal with are struggling with the homeschooling and work balance so unless people are complete jerks they will understand that you have limits as to what you can do. Your job is most important, you can’t work you can’t make money. School can be made up later. You have bigger fish to fry. And of course your mental sanity is important so if you need to drop things don’t feel bad. Can your parents maybe prepare some meals to be frozen for you? That way you have one less thing to worry about, and honestly, if right now you if feeding your kids some unhealthy easy foods for a bit it won’t be the end of the world.
You are NOT whining. Most of us here can relate and know how hard it is. It is hard enough being a single parent but add in COVID and a spouse in rehab it makes it a lot tougher. I was only working part time and already doing all the kid duties so for me it really didn’t change that much other than all the emotional drama and stress that comes along with it. You are now having to juggle work and full time care and homeschooling whereas your wife was doing part of that before. Don’t worry too much about having a spotless house (unless cleaning is therapy for you
) . Figure out what is most important and give yourself a big break on other stuff. Do make sure you have time to decompress whether that is walking, napping or whatever. If you don’t, you’ll will break down and then your kids have no parents to rely on. And make sure you take time to eat as well not just your kids. You need the energy.please don’t worry about coming here and venting about your struggles. It will help to get it out and most of us here have been there done that. Hang in there!
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Wow, kindergarten is not mandatory here in my state, I just double checked. That's a relief! My kindergartener is super smart, so I'm not terrible concerned about him losing a few weeks of homework. I'm starting to get into a routine with the older one a bit. It's really hard having nearly zero time to myself.
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