PBandJ

I don’t think so. Well maybe once. I’ve bitten my tongue many times over the past couple weeks and only got snippy a couple times. I probably shouldn’t.

PBandJ

Well, She stayed sober for 7 months. AA wasn't for her (it's a cult) and her sponsor was requiring too much of her. Still, she was reading a lot about sobriety and doing pretty well, despite trading her alcohol addiction for buying things like crazy, further creating a bit of a hoard in our house.

She wanted to try having a few drinks at nighttime. Within a week she was drunk during the day and I was leaving work early to check on her and the kids. She berated me. I tried a mini intervention with her parents, who she has issues with that likely contributed to a good amount of her mental illness. That was a couple weeks ago. Today I came home to her passed out drunk, drooling on her pillow. Things escalated, mean things were said, I threw furniture. She says this is generally my fault because I'm boring and am "heavy." I don't know what the latter means exactly. I ask for examples but I never get them. I guess it means I ask her to keep the house decent and not drink during the day. I'm absolutely exhausted and have nothing left in me. The kids are suffering. I'm suffering. We said we are done with each other but she was still drunk at the time. I really don't know what to do. I work all day while she is home with the kids. I have the option of putting them in camp during the day but I know my one son (10 years old) would absolutely hate that, but it's better than basically being alone. My other son is 6. I just don't know what to do here. She is very manipulative and controlling to get her way. I don't want to leave my home and neither does she. Do I call her daily to see if she seems drunk? It's always obvious when shes been drinking as she slurs like crazy. If she seems drunk do I call the police to do a wellness check for my kids? I don't know what further rock bottom there could be. I'm really really struggling here and often have self-harm thoughts to end this nightmare but I know I can't leave my kids alone in this. I have to be alive for them. I need help and advice, please.

Nd819

Hey PB, I am so sorry your wife is back to drinking, it must be so very disappointing after 7 months. I really think it is time to look out for you and the kids, your wife is clearly not ready to be a functioning caregiver right now. I'm not sure of your financial situation but can you find s nanny? Maybe a high school or college kid? I would also suggest meeting with a lawyer to see what your rights are. First and most importantly though I would get help for yourself, I saw that you previously mentioned hurting yourself and are having those thoughts again, please, please, reach out for help. I think if you have a plan, and start focusing on what is best for you and the kids you will start to feel more in control and have a better outlook for your future. I know it's hard and feels so hopeless right now but just try and take the first step. Hugs to you.

trailmix

HI PBJ, welcome back. I'm sorry her recovery didn't take.

I really (really) hope you will enrol your kids in daycamp as soon as possible (like tomorrow?). They absolutely should not be home with her. Should something happen to them you would never forgive yourself. Aside from that, they should never see their Mother like that. Unfortunately she isn't stepping up, so you will have to.

Also, having them in day camp will take stress off of you, that's also very important.

Why don't either of you want to leave? What is the benefit of you staying? (I'm genuinely asking, not trying to lead you anywhere lol).

The "mean things said" the throwing furniture. These are signs that this has already escalated way out of control. You, as the sober person (parent) really need to take the high road here and walk away from those kinds of conversations. That's just my opinion, of course. If you can't do that for yourself, please do that for your kiddies. There is nothing like being in bed listening to the parents fight. It's damaging.

Imagine getting a place of your own. Imagine figuring out how to go it alone with your kids. Between day camp and school maybe that is do-able for you. Do you own the home you live in? Have you talked to a lawyer about having your wife move out?

You need support, keep posting, even if you feel like you are posting too much, you aren't, there is usually someone around to answer and even if it's the middle of the night it can sometimes feel good to just vent.

PeacefulWater12

Sorry to read your update of how things has gone, PB.

I join in the other voices here in urging you to remove yourself and your children from this very damaging situation. I grew up in an alcoholic home much as you describe the situation you are in. It was very damaging to me, I grew up thinking this behaviour was normal and, of course, ran my life based on this.

Now I am working my recovery program I can see how sick it all was. I wouldn't want your children to go through this.

My late AH also added hoarding to his addictions as you mention in your home. I personally found being amongst the hoarding as stressful and difficult as the drinking.

Eauchiche

Dear PB&J
I am a newcomer to your thread. I wish I could say that your story is unique, but this website is full of situations like yours.
I am SO sorry for you and your kids.
It sounds like you might have a good relationship with your in-laws. Can they help with the kids? I know every family has its issues, but at least they are not drunks.

You wrote:
"I'm absolutely exhausted and have nothing left in me. "
We family and friends of alcoholics have to hit bottom too before we really start to recover. It sounds like you might be hitting yours.
I wish we had a way to wave a magic wand and make this all better for you. All we can do is offer experience and moral support.

Bekindalways

Heya PBandj, this sounds beyond wretched. Unfortunately so many alcoholics never find long term recovery or relapse years later.

Some people stay and some figure out how to leave and rebuild a life separate from the alcoholic. It is so much tougher when you have children with the alcoholic.

I'm not too sure what your "next right step" is. I do hope you have lots of support. I am expecting you already tried Alanon although with young kids and single parenting, you probably don't have much time.

Let us know how you get on.

dustyfox

Hi PBandj I am new to your story and just read it from the beginning - It was not a surprise to reach the present time and find things are no better. You can not save her, only she can save herself when she is ready. But you can save yourself and your lovely children. Do what you can, call on family and friends and remove yourself and your children from her. Don't feel sorry for her as that will achieve nothing , only slow down positive action, either she will seek help or she wont, but you can not help her. Your priority has to be you children and yourself.
You should speak to a lawyer about what will happen if you decide to separate, and what strategies can be put in place to enable financial security for you and the children.
What a terrible situation. I do hope you lean on people and accept help.

Bernadette

PB&J-
Sounds dreadful but, with alcoholics, not unexpected as you know.

Protect yourself and the minor children, not the adult alcoholic!

"She says this is generally my fault because I'm boring and am "heavy."
Well goodness knows she is free to leave then!

Nothing changes if nothing changes: Neither of you want to leave the house. Figuring out care for the kids is complicated. This is her fault/your fault/her abusive parents' fault. We all have a choice to keep believing our fixed and familiar thought paths, and thus nothing changes.

If I change even 1 variable in what I've been presuming is a fixed problem, and if I take even 1 action that I've been avoiding or presuming was not an option then things start to change. The past is gone. I am free in THIS moment. I can make new choices. Imagine new scenarios. Try a new way.

One step at a time.

Peace,
B.

SnoozyQ

Oh, I am so drained and exhausted reading this whole thread .
what a sad, sad situation for you all. It truly is and now something has to give.
It looks like the balls in your court.
What’s that quote?….. insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result!
There is not going to be a different result now that she has gone back to drinking.
you are miserable!
She is miserable , so the kids , they too are miserable.
it’s time to change your life and find some happiness .
if she won’t move out then you must.
it’s the only way.
Start getting thoughts of change into your head.
start thinking how happy you and the kids will be once you are away from this toxic , irreparable relationship.
She needs a shock ! She needs to see you mean it.
maybe this will finally be her rock bottom when you leave.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
One of two things will happen.
She will get herself into rehab , for longer & really try to make a change.
Or she will wallow .
You may thrive and flourish with your children having some semblance of control back.
I feel for your wife, I truly do. I have been where she is .
your children need YOU, to make the safe decision for them.
I wish you well & hope you continue to post because you are being heard and we are listening .
You are the change.
stay strong

xxx

AlwaysGrowing

PBandJ

I lived EXACTLY what you are going through. The thought of being a single dad and by yourself can and will feel overwhelming for a little while BUT you CAN do it. I would not move out and leave the kids with her. Talk to a FEW divorce attorneys and figure out what evidence you need before you ever file (if you do). With the evidence upfront before you file it's much easier to get full custody of the kids down the road. Time to protect them now. If she was sober and rational protecting them would be her first priority too.

You have been doing single dad life already with added drama in the mix. You will get to know other parents. Just ask for help or forgiveness along the way. People want to help, they just don't know how until you let them know.

Praying for you!
AG

schnappi99

Our daughter is 15 now, she's becoming more independent and we sent her off to a good friend of ours for a couple weeks; the lady and her husband are responsible folks a live in a much different neighorhood- the daughter has certainly flourished from it. Which left my wife and I home alone. We started doing some date-nites downtown- some of the areas we went a million years ago and so on. She decided to have drinks with dinner again- loves the taste of martini's and so on. I've tried a few times over the last years, but mostly just feel gross the day after- and two drinks with dinner is too much next-day for me, so I'm back to iced tea. she's definitely liking drinking again; going for the martini's with her preferred gin. The alanon rule is the drinking is their business, my business is my behavior. If she asks I will vote no for alcohol in the house again- aside from wine or beer if we're hosting people- so I guess we'll see what happens.

Hawkeye13

Sorry to hear this schnappi

Here comes the slippery slope—what are you plans when that happens? Not even going to say “if” but when. You’ve been awfully patient over the years, and kids are out of the house soon. What do you need for you?

clarity888

Schnappi, did you know about the Al-Anon app for your phone? You can attend meetings via phone; there are several a day (it's basically like a Zoom meeting). It could help you with these hopeless feelings. That is an urgent concern; please put self-care way up high on your priority list. I know it seems impossible to do, it sounds like you're extremely busy, but people attend while they're driving to work, even.

clarity888

I'm sorry, I meant to say PB&J in my above post. LOL.

schnappi99

She's definitely still feeling guilty- all 3 of us had dinner out last night, I watched her decide to not order any booze...

Having spent time in Alanon I'm not on a hair-trigger anymore. If the old behaviors start coming back I have a series of responses, culminating in asking her to leave or leaving with our daughter (which is probably easier now than it was 8 years ago- she has good options for other places to stay), and I don't care as long as theres a bed and a bathroom. That said, I'm not making any choices without talking things thru with the alanon folks.

On the plus side, my wife had a lot of attachment issues to our daughter as she started asserting her independence, part of which shows up as a lot of mother/daughter tension between them. Its probably been the first substantive introspection she has done in quite a few years- culminated in her finally choosing on her own to go see a shrink- daughter and I both wholeheartedly supporting it, and happy to go along anytime we're asked.

PBandJ

The lies she tells about not drinking and chatting with another man (just a friend she says, yeah right) is just outrageous. She’s always been a very honest person but when she’s drunk, she’s a different person. Or maybe the drunk her is the real person, I don’t know.

my oldest once hugged me crying saying “don’t get a divorce.” This is what kills me every time this happens. He’s extremely sensitive and emotional and I’m absolutely terrified what a divorce would do to him, and of course my younger son. I know most would say things will be better than they are now for them without this chaos. Maybe I should just put up with it all for their sake? Last night I took some advice here and verbally walked away from a fight. I had enough and knew I wasn’t going to get anywhere arguing with her drunk so I just went to bed. It always comes back to being my fault. I felt strong and empowered in the moment but now feel weak and pathetic again. I can’t wrap my head around how my kids will feel growing up in a broken home. I feel it will ruin my kids even worse than what is currently going on.

I had a panic attack last week and wound up going to the hospital. I know this is a very very unhealthy lifestyle. I wish I knew what was the right thing to do for my kids.

it’s so hard to function right now, be at work etc. I really appreciate everyone here, it does make me feel better to read your responses. I just don’t know what to do and I’m so very scared.

SparkleKitty

All I can share is my experience as the child who grew up with an alcoholic mother and a codependent father who stayed because he was too afraid of what leaving would do to us.

I think we would have recovered from a broken home, as much as we were scared of it. With counseling and reassurance from at least one stable parent that it wasn't our fault, that we were loved, that mom was struggling with an issue that had nothing to do with us, I think we would have been okay. We would have known, in our bones, that at least one of our parents was capable of putting our needs for stability, love, and attention first.

As it was, we grew up only learning that what we needed wasn't as important as what our addicted mother wanted. We grew up believing it was our job to set ourselves on fire if it would keep someone else warm--someone we loved but who was too enmeshed in her addiction to be the mother she had chosen to be. We took that belief into every relationship we formed even after we left the house. We hurt ourselves and we hurt others because that is what we had been taught to do.

If you aren't going to leave, please get your kids some counseling. They need it desperately, whether it seems like it or not, whether they want it or not. Give them a fighting chance to establish healthy boundaries and to learn that their mother's inability to be the parent they deserve is not because of anything they have ever done or said, or not done, or not said.

trailmix

I completely understand your fear of doing the wrong thing. Maybe you will just end up hurting everyone.

I also had an alcoholic parent, my Father.

In my first marriage I married a man who hit me. It seems rather inconceivable now, because I would never stand for anyone putting their hands on me in anger now, but at the time it didn't even seem strange lol - I laugh because now it seems ridiculous.

However, I think this is a result of what I saw. Although my Mother was a lovely person, strong and not codependent, she stayed for other reasons, which I completely understand, she probably made the right choice at that time. My Father was away a lot, this also helped.

My parents didn't separate until I was an older teenager, but I still remember thinking once, that will never be again. No "Mom and Dad" at home together. Even after all the water under the bridge (and by water I mean mighty river of water) I still paused to think that.

When your child says don't divorce, it probably doesn't mean to him/her what it means to you. Children don't think like we do, or at least not from our perspective. Their safety is paramount, they depend on you and her for that safety and concern. When all is not well it seems natural to want to cling to that safety, even if it is dysfunctional. Remember they don't know anything else. Some might look at children of alcoholics and go well they MUST know what a regular, functioning family looks like! They see their friends homes, they watch TV! Well no. I personally never compared my home life. I might have thought, so and so has a really nice, caring, Father, but I didn't relate that back to my own Father. There is a loyalty to your own parents, regardless.

I agree with SK, I hope you will get them some counselling. You are really too close to this to see the whole picture and where they are coming from. It requires a person outside your situation to see what is really going on with them.

dandylion

PB and J......you say that you "don't know what is the right thing to do for my kids". First Universal Truth.....the best thing that you can do for your kids is to take care of their parent (you). As, you are the sober parent and, therefore the one they will have to depend on to make the best decisions about their welfare. Your wife is not capable of that, as she is controlled by her addiction and that is her main driving force (not you or her children).
The children need at least ONE healthy parent. In other words---if you go down--they go down. Right now, you are the Captain of their "ship".

It is better to be from a "broken home" than to live IN a broken home. Right now, it looks as if their home is already "broken".
All of the other members, here will tell you that, from their own experience in growing up in an alcoholic home. An alcoholic home is not ever a healthy home---no matter how it looks from the outside.
I think that there is a false idea, held by many ol the masses---that as long as everyone is under one roof---everything is o.k. That couldn't be further from the truth. Everything that I have ever seen tells me that this is not always true. Some of the most brutal stories of child abuse--both overt and covert---while everyone is snugly under the same roof.

Strong parents do not let the children make the decisions about whether the parents should seperate or divorce. That is putting parent responsibilities on the solders of little children. That is too much responsibility for them and can result in a host of unintended consequences.
You will need to make the important (and hard) decisions for their overall welfare. Children can be very resilient if at least one strong and trusted adult will attend to their daily safety and predictability of their environment.

My suggestion---please get immediate help for YOU in understanding about how to handle the children---and what is best for them--in addition to managing your own feelings about all of this. I think you need the clear eyes and objectiveness of those who are schooled in child development. This is just too much for you to sholder all by yourself.

Maybe, reread Trailmix's last post on this subject. Do not have the tail wagging the dog.