Finally leaving
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Cleveland OH
Posts: 49
Finally leaving
I am leaving my AH. In 3 weeks I move into my own apt. It is scary as hell. I have been married for 28 years. I have lived in my beautiful house for 26 years. I was diagnosed with cancer 6 months ago. I lost my job due to covid 9 months ago. I found a new job two months ago. I am a survivor. I am choosing my battle. I am leaving the battle I have been fighting for 15 years to concentrate on kicking cancer’s ass. I am finally choosing me. How will he survive without me? I don’t care. He actually told me I deserve cancer. He has had hours of sobriety since I returned to work. I thought his drinking was bad before, hah. His longest binge had been 4 days. We are approaching 40 days now. 40 days of being drunk! How is that possible? Why am I keeping track? He hasn't been sober to discuss my leaving. How do I inform him that I’m leaving and taking furniture, supplies, kitchen stuff? I hired movers to make it fast and limit the amount of time moving. I’ve spoken to 3 lawyers. One is writing up a new will for me. Another is advising me on divorce options. The third recommended the other two. I started counseling. I’m taking all the right steps....it’s still scary. Our children are adults, 23 and 21. My oldest is moving to a different apartment the same day I am leaving. My youngest is away at college with two semesters left. At first I thought leaving was the hard part. Who will he blame for everything wrong in his life when I’m gone? Any thoughts on what chaos he will be able to wreak even when we don’t live together? What haven’t I thought of?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
BtheB,
Wow, your story is inspiring and it's wonderful you are taking care of you!
Are you in alanon? It was so helpful to me along with counseling. I had a
sponsor in alanon who left her AH when she was diagnosed with cancer.
She recovered and has been healthy and well for years but says she doesnt
think it would have worked out well if she had stayed in the toxic marriage she
was in.
I've read stories here and heard them in meetings, about great things, unexpected things,
that happen once there is a peaceful and safe place in your life. It's powerful healing.
(((hugs)))
Wow, your story is inspiring and it's wonderful you are taking care of you!
Are you in alanon? It was so helpful to me along with counseling. I had a
sponsor in alanon who left her AH when she was diagnosed with cancer.
She recovered and has been healthy and well for years but says she doesnt
think it would have worked out well if she had stayed in the toxic marriage she
was in.
I've read stories here and heard them in meetings, about great things, unexpected things,
that happen once there is a peaceful and safe place in your life. It's powerful healing.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
BtB, whatever chaos he might try to wreak after you leave will be nothing to what he could do if you stayed. We can't possibly predict what he will try, but do not underestimate him. Remember that an addiction's primary objective is to make it easy for the addict to drink. Whatever he attempts in order to maintain the status quo, you must be firm in your conviction to keep choosing yourself.
Do you *have* to tell him you're leaving? Can you arrange it so you can just go? You really do not owe anyone an explanation (it should be obvious), but especially not someone who tells you that you deserved to get cancer.
Do you *have* to tell him you're leaving? Can you arrange it so you can just go? You really do not owe anyone an explanation (it should be obvious), but especially not someone who tells you that you deserved to get cancer.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
BtB, I love the strength and conviction you are showing to take care of yourself. I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis but I have no doubt you are going to kick cancer's butt.
I also left a long term marriage, I know exactly how scary it is. We'd been together since we were teenagers, so leaving him in my 40s was terrifying. I'd never been on my own, I was very anxious about that. Change is hard and often painful, but it's so good for the soul. Most of the things I worried about never even came to fruition, and the few things that did come up were handled with ease... no where near the catastrophes I had imagined.
I sounds to me as if you have covered all your bases. There is no way for us to know what crap your stbxah will try and pull on you. I doubt he will contritely accept it, do expect to be made out to be the bad guy in all of this. My AXH and I have been apart about 7 years, I haven't even laid eyes on him in 6 years, but he continues to blame me for things that are wrong in his life. Blame shifting is something all alcoholics excel at.
Hang in there you are doing great, just keep doing the next right thing and everything will fall in to place. Lots of deep breaths too!
I also left a long term marriage, I know exactly how scary it is. We'd been together since we were teenagers, so leaving him in my 40s was terrifying. I'd never been on my own, I was very anxious about that. Change is hard and often painful, but it's so good for the soul. Most of the things I worried about never even came to fruition, and the few things that did come up were handled with ease... no where near the catastrophes I had imagined.
I sounds to me as if you have covered all your bases. There is no way for us to know what crap your stbxah will try and pull on you. I doubt he will contritely accept it, do expect to be made out to be the bad guy in all of this. My AXH and I have been apart about 7 years, I haven't even laid eyes on him in 6 years, but he continues to blame me for things that are wrong in his life. Blame shifting is something all alcoholics excel at.
Hang in there you are doing great, just keep doing the next right thing and everything will fall in to place. Lots of deep breaths too!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Heya Bitingthebullet, this is tough stuff to do no matter how certain you are that it is the right thing to do.
Do everything you can to take care of yourself at this difficult time.
Let us know how you get on!
Do everything you can to take care of yourself at this difficult time.
Let us know how you get on!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Bitingthebullet
well done for finally putting yourself first!! You will be too busy looking after yourself now to worry about your husband.
It will be three years in January since I left my husband of 18 years. In the first year I got cancer and had 2 major surgeries. I have recovered and am now fighting fit.
I will not lie and say it was easy. It wasn't and it was a journey I had to do alone. My husband caused loads of chaos (and still does). If there was one thing I could go back and change it would be this......
I would go no contact
Throughout me trying to get well and rebuild my life I continued to attempt to rescue him and save him from himself. He is a hard habit to break. All that energy that I spent on him would have been much better spent on me. I wish I could have just left him to it.
You have a bit of a journey ahead. Stay strong. Engaging with your husband, on any level, while he is still not seeking recovery will undoubtedly cause you barrel loads of unnecessary pain.
Look after yourself and don't be scared to reach out for help from others too when you need to.
well done for finally putting yourself first!! You will be too busy looking after yourself now to worry about your husband.
It will be three years in January since I left my husband of 18 years. In the first year I got cancer and had 2 major surgeries. I have recovered and am now fighting fit.
I will not lie and say it was easy. It wasn't and it was a journey I had to do alone. My husband caused loads of chaos (and still does). If there was one thing I could go back and change it would be this......
I would go no contact
Throughout me trying to get well and rebuild my life I continued to attempt to rescue him and save him from himself. He is a hard habit to break. All that energy that I spent on him would have been much better spent on me. I wish I could have just left him to it.
You have a bit of a journey ahead. Stay strong. Engaging with your husband, on any level, while he is still not seeking recovery will undoubtedly cause you barrel loads of unnecessary pain.
Look after yourself and don't be scared to reach out for help from others too when you need to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Cleveland OH
Posts: 49
Thank you all for the support. I know I am the bad guy. I always am. My daughter has some new to her furniture stored in the garage and somehow he knocked over the bookcase. I wasn't there but somehow it was my fault! It’s comical at this point. I am concerned, that he will “lose it” when he realizes I am leaving but I have to. I have told him twice I am leaving just generally said “I’m not staying here with you alone.” I haven't specifically said “I rented an apt, signed the lease and am moving Nov. 14.” So he ignored the two times I said I am leaving you. I know there used to be a thread of crazy things our alcoholics do and this list belongs there but here it is. In the past month he; face planted on the street while walking to buy more booze resulting in a good samaritan driving by calling 911 for him, and a trip to the ER. Two front teeth broken and a concussion. He accused a neighbor’s landscapers of stealing his tools, then went back 3x to apologize all drunk. He called the sheriff for a welfare check on another neighbor. I called the sheriff back to say I thought he was actually trying to ask for help for himself is there anything they can do? Nope nothing they can do unless he threatens to harm himself. When the deputies came to our house to tell him not to visit the neighbor anymore, they're fine they didn't answer the door because they just don't want him visiting, he asked if the deputies were concerned about the marijuana he had growing in our garage? (There isn't any) But then complained that they constitutionally were obligated to search our whole house and told everyone how incompetent the sheriff’s dept. is!! The man is off the rails. And I need some peace in my life. Thank you all for being a venting space, a safe place and a supportive community. It helps.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Originally Posted by BitingTheBullet 
. In the past month he; face planted on the street while walking to buy more booze resulting in a good samaritan driving by calling 911 for him, and a trip to the ER. Two front teeth broken and a concussion. He accused a neighbor’s landscapers of stealing his tools, then went back 3x to apologize all drunk. He called the sheriff for a welfare check on another neighbor. I called the sheriff back to say I thought he was actually trying to ask for help for himself is there anything they can do? Nope nothing they can do unless he threatens to harm himself. When the deputies came to our house to tell him not to visit the neighbor anymore, they're fine they didn't answer the door because they just don't want him visiting, he asked if the deputies were concerned about the marijuana he had growing in our garage? (There isn't any) But then complained that they constitutionally were obligated to search our whole house and told everyone how incompetent the sheriff’s dept. is!! The man is off the rails. And I need some peace in my life. Thank you all for being a venting space, a safe place and a supportive community. It helps.
What you are doing is excruciating. I never blame people who stay as leaving my qualifier was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I so so hope you have some support: friends, family, work, hobbies and that kind of thing.
Please please, take care of yourself: eat well, get a bit of exercise, stay hydrated . . . that kind of thing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Hi BtB,
I know the magnitude of what you have embarked on. Crazy difficult. I can't possibly say anything that you don't already know or have thought of or have been told. Just saying, from another person who is in the thick of it...I respect you for what you have done; that took sheer grit.
I know the magnitude of what you have embarked on. Crazy difficult. I can't possibly say anything that you don't already know or have thought of or have been told. Just saying, from another person who is in the thick of it...I respect you for what you have done; that took sheer grit.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Oh my BTB, that is very sad. I am happy for you that you are escaping the madness and I also know it must be so hard for you, however, you are showing so much courage as others have said.
You will be in your own place with peace and quiet, try to imagine that when the going gets tough.
You can always call the DV hotline as well, for ideas about how to get out safely: 800.799.SAFE (7233) - https://www.thehotline.org/what-to-e...ou-contact-us/
It is completelyconfidential and you might find it reassuring when you go to leave to have a plan in place which they can help you with. You can find out how to get out with as little fuss as possible, a plan to leave and assistance in your area, should you need it.
You will be in your own place with peace and quiet, try to imagine that when the going gets tough.
You can always call the DV hotline as well, for ideas about how to get out safely: 800.799.SAFE (7233) - https://www.thehotline.org/what-to-e...ou-contact-us/
It is completelyconfidential and you might find it reassuring when you go to leave to have a plan in place which they can help you with. You can find out how to get out with as little fuss as possible, a plan to leave and assistance in your area, should you need it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
If you can, please have someone with you to help and for support when removing your things. Sometimes it gets a bit unpredictable when the drinker sees there are going to be actual negative consequences for their actions--before that, it is amazing how much in denial they can be.
I would also suggest not giving him any information about where you are moving, and get everything in one go--don't go back as there is a good chance all of this may set off some anger / binging activity.
Like others have said, you are really strong to do this and the relief you will feel the first night of quiet in your own home will be worth it.
I would also suggest not giving him any information about where you are moving, and get everything in one go--don't go back as there is a good chance all of this may set off some anger / binging activity.
Like others have said, you are really strong to do this and the relief you will feel the first night of quiet in your own home will be worth it.
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