NeverBored

Hi all, I’m new here but so far reading others’ stories has been helpful and I wanted to post mine. My husband and I have been moderate to heavy drinkers for years, but last week he got sick (some sinus thing) and couldn’t sleep and ended up drinking 24/7—actually for an entire week. I didn’t realize it until he asked to go to detox, and he’s on his fourth day at a program run by a local hospital.

I’m not exactly sure how to deal with all the emotions I’m feeling. I am so glad he’s DTing with medical help, though it’s tough being home alone. We don’t have kids, but we have several dogs and cats with some special conditions that take a lot of work.

He told me that the hospital wants him to go to a long-term rehab facility on the other side of the country, and I’m struggling with that. I’m not sure why they wouldn’t recommend he go to one around here, or at least in driving distance and in-network for our insurance plan. Maybe they don’t want him to be near friends and family? I am also stressed because we have really been in our own covid bubble since March: both working from home, we don’t go out to eat or drink (even outside), we haven’t been socializing with friends at all. And now he’s in a facility that doesn’t covid-test or take staff temps, so he’ll be coming home with potential exposure. (I am semi-high risk; I have asthma that is generally well-controlled.) And when he goes to a long-term rehab, he’ll be at risk for exposure too. In the worst part of the season for viruses.

I feel horrible saying this, but it all feels so unfair. A week and a half ago we seemed fine. I know drinking long-term has effects on people’s bodies and minds, but he never drank while working, he never hid booze from me, he never blacked out or went on benders. He would drink several drinks a night, but he wasn’t often hungover. He also quit drinking for several months on his own a couple years ago. I’m probably making excuses, but I just don’t understand how we get from managing things to him needing to be in rehab for six weeks and possibly losing his job (he’s been using his vacation days while sick and in detox) and stressing about money when we didn’t before? Things literally seemed fine a week and a half ago and now I’m worried about his rehab bankrupting us.

Is it normal to both want the best for your partner no matter what while also being pissed off at how unfair this all is?

SparkleKitty

Hey, NB, of course it's normal. There is nothing fair about addiction, and I would venture to guess that if your husband's doctors are recommending a long-term rehab, then his problem is worse than you imagine. Though to be honest, the idea of someone drinking for 24 hours straight for a week, sinus thing or not, is pretty chilling to me. People who do not have problems with drinking really don't do things like that under any circumstances. And that you didn't realize that's what was happening until he asked to go to detox is an indication that he may have been drinking a lot more than you know for a lot longer than you think--I know that seems impossible when you're in a COVID bubble, but it's a pretty common hallmark of alcoholism to do whatever it takes to make sure no one else knows how much one is really drinking.

I could of course be wrong about all of that, but if you read around the forum you might find a lot of familiar stories. And if I'm not wrong, well--recovery from alcoholism is a fight for one's life. He either throws everything he has at it or the alcoholism takes him under eventually. It's a progressive condition--left untreated it always gets worse. Only the timetable varies. From what you write above, it sounds like it just took one step towards worse. With some careful planning you can get through this financially, but you will need support as well. Whether that's coming here or finding an Al-Anon meeting on Zoom or teleheath therapy (two of those three things cost nothing at all), you could do with some understanding from folks who have been where you are.

biminiblue

NeverBored, I'm from the alcoholism side of the boards. I've been in recovery for seven years. I was an all-day every day drinker for years.

I quit without rehab. I went to AA meetings for four months and I've been on this site almost daily for all those seven years.

Rehab is big money.

Detoxes are often tied financially to specific rehabs.

Just be careful. It's a money grab and there are no more guarantees from rehab than from home recovery using AA or counseling (or both combined, ideally.) This is entirely up to him to not drink again. Whether he needs more or less help is unknown.

I'd say that since your husband took himself to detox, and with your backstory, he would be a good candidate for trying it without a rehab. AA meetings daily and maybe some personal counseling or an Intensive Outpatient Program - which is just like meetings only you pay for it and the patient has pee tests, and more accountability than just going to AA. The IOPs are generally several days a week for three hours for a period of three months or so, many are covered by insurance. Start by calling your insurance provider and getting recommendations.

Don't get railroaded into anything. This is your husband's decision and it sounds like he isn't too far gone - yet. If he takes this seriously and quits drinking and gets some help, he might do well. If he doesn't, then you will continue to suffer these kinds of events.

What are your personal plans for your own drinking when he comes home? I agree with SparkleKitty, you need your own support and your own education about all this.

Just to be very clear - he cannot ever drink again. He'll go right back to this same scenario if he does. Not one drink, ever. That's the sticky wicket you both have to face now.

NeverBored

Thanks for the reply. I think if we can find a rehab center close to home and that his insurance will pay for, I'll be much calmer about it. It does feel like a money grab; he also mentioned that they told him his detox is over, but they wouldn't clarify why they were still keeping him in the center. He hasn't seen a therapist or psychologist yet, just some doctors and nurses to give him Ativan and take vitals. I'm guessing they want to make sure he is not at risk for seizures before they release him, but we were told he would meet with a case worker/therapist to come up with various plans. So far it sounds like they're just pushing Colorado, and they told him if he didn't do an in-patient rehab for 30 days he would die in two years. Which seemed... extreme. This treatment center is part of a national hospital network, so I'm guessing the rehab center they're pushing it one of theirs, too.

I did ask him if he wanted me to get rid of all the alcohol in the house before he got home from detox and he said no, and said that the detox center encourages learning how to live with alcohol in the home because society will always have alcohol around. While that seems like a fair enough statement, it also seems like a lot for him to deal with right out of detox. So maybe I'll pack up the alcohol but not throw it away (at least the really rare/expensive stuff that's mine and not opened), and I don't plan on drinking in front of him at least for quite some time. He's always been a very specific drinker (beer and a couple liquors of his choice), and hasn't had issues with drinking whatever is in the house if he runs out. But, I'm not sure if that will change once he's home—like if he'll be tempted by any alcohol now because he can't have it. So for the time being, it seems best to remove it all from his access at least. I don't drink much at home anyway except for a glass or two of wine at night, so while it will suck to lose my alcohol "privileges," I'm willing to do it if it means he's better set up for success.

NeverBored

Luckily I'm already seeing a therapist (I am a firm believer in therapy even if nothing is "wrong" at the time, so I meet with one every couple weeks just to check in), and I'm able to meet with her via video chat later this week.

I've considered Al-Anon, but I am an atheist and live in the South. Even things that shouldn't be religious here are religious, lol. I've heard from folks that some meetings aren't all about religion, but I've spoken to a couple of friends in my area who have family members who are addicts and they've said Al-Anon down here is extremely religious, and you're asked (just like in the 12 Steps) to believe a higher power will take care of everything for you. This forum was actually recommended to me as an alternative to Al-Anon by someone who also is atheist and was looking for secular-based help.

biminiblue

Well, most alcoholics don't quit after their first scare and I don't have access to his medical records so they may be telling him the hard truth but to me that sounds like fear-marketing. It is very difficult for a life-long heavy drinker to quit and that is what is necessary. I'm sure they've seen far too many failures and deaths; and it is a real possibility for all of us who become alcoholics.


Sounds like you are covered as far as your own therapist.

As an alcoholic myself, I don't have any alcohol in my house, ever. I don't mind people drinking moderately around me when I'm out but as soon as I can tell they're acting differently due to the drinking, I leave. Putting away your bottles is a good idea. It's going to take him many months of abstinence before he's comfortable around drinking, I would guess. It's a very difficult thing, quitting drinking.

dandylion

NeverB-----I concur with biminiblue regarding the alcohol in the house. And--with the other responses that you have gotten, also.
All of your questions seem, to me, as very valid questions to ask. Your concerns about health and finances are real.
As a healthcare worker, myself, who has spent many years detoxing and working with alcoholics----I suggest the following:
Every patient in the hospital is assigned to a case worker (whether he has seen them or not)---and, that case worker is responsible for the discharging planning for that patient.
I suggest that you call the social services department, at the hospital, and ask to speak to the person assigned to his case. This is the person to ask the questions to---and, especially to express your concerns that you have posed, here. ***I will caution you that you will need to be proactive and not be railroaded into something that you don't understand or don't want to agree to.
Same thing with his attending doctor. You can call the nurses station on the unit that he is staying on---and, ask the person who answers the phone who his Attending Doctor is. You can ask that the doctor give you a call. If you don't get a call from the doctor in a reasonable time---call the hospital operator and have the doctor paged. (I have done that many times with my aged mother).
Ask the doctor to give you the details about your husband's medical/health condition.
***keep in mind that counselors on his hospital unit are not the same thing as the case worker in Social Services department---who is responsible for his discharge planning (but, in some cases, they may talk to each other and share info.).

NeverBored

Thanks so much for this. The center he’s at is an off-campus detox center associated with the hospital, and he’s said that so far he’s only seen nurses. Despite being told he would see a doctor, psychiatrist and a therapist (in addition to group therapy). Now, he’s been sleeping off and on through detox so it’s possible he missed them, but he was told he would likely go home tomorrow and has no talk therapy at all while there despite several nurses telling me and him that was a big part of their program.

I’m just happy they could detox him safely, and I know we can make a plan for his rehab after he gets out. I have support from his family and our friends and we’ve found several options I can go over with him and see what insurance covers.

I had been hoping a case worker would go through this with both of us, but at this point it seems like all they’re doing is pushing Colorado with no communication with me and not much with him. So at this point, I don’t know if either of us are likely to agree with their recommendation blindly.

If I call and ask to speak with his caseworker, that won’t be considered undermining him? He sounded way more alert today, and usually is good at advocating for himself, but I’m also afraid because he’s in a new, vulnerable situation. And this clinic has also not lived up to their most basic promises for care so far, and I’m hesitant to just see what they tell him and let them make a plan without me. (But I also fear I’m moving toward codependency, trying to insert myself into a conversation that maybe I shouldn’t be a part of yet?)

dandylion

NeverB----I do not see that talking to his case worker about his discharge plans as "undermining" or being "co-dependent"------because his discharge plans impact your life. also, and as such---you should have a voice and input. Also, asking legitimate questions about his medical condition and how their system works is not undermining anything. In addition, I am sure that he either has---or, would be asked to sign a release of information to you.
All of this is confusing to you, I know. lol---it is for almost anyone!
In dealing with the ''system"---it is important to realize that it is necessary to be assertive and very proactive. It is easy to be overlooked or railroaded if one is just passive---the system does not serve the passive very well, these days.

When I was treating alcoholics---it was my practice to see the spouse (and any other interested friends/family) in my office. I would see all of them together, and then see them individually. They were all given my telephone number and could call me any time that they had concerns.

NeverBored

Before I could call, his caseworker called me! She asked if I had any rehab programs I wanted to look into, and I did have a couple recommended to me by some friends who've been in this same situation. She said they rarely send people across the country, so she's not sure who told him about that. But they would try to keep it somewhat local, even though I likely won't be able to visit him or talk to him much while he's in there. At least if it's a facility in our state our insurance is more likely to pay for part of it, so that's a good start. I couldn't get an answer on when he might be out, but she did say she'll make some calls to a few places and see what insurance will do and what centers have openings. So at least it sounds like things are moving in the right direction, and I'm hesitantly hopeful. I do hope wherever he goes will want to involve me somehow, and I'd be so happy to meet with a therapist or case worker if they do that.

mylifeismine

I would select a rehab based on the extent of their family participation program.
Alcoholism is a family disease and the better programs address it. It can be a one
or two day program for family members but some of the classes should include the
patient/family member.

dandylion

NeverB-----I am glad to hear that the caseworker called you. While he is in rehab, I think it would be a good time to devote some time for yourself. If you haven't already read "Co-dependent No More". it would be a good time to do so. I think so much of it will resonate with you.
Also, I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of articles about alcoholism and the effects on family and loved ones. They are written by those who have walked in your shoes.
They are l ocated in the "Classic Reading" section----located within the stickies----just above the threads. There are over 100 of them!


While he is in rehab---most all of his attention will be on himself---as it should be. He will be in the hands of those who are experienced and trained to work with alcoholics. At this time, it will probably be all he can do to just get from day to day. He is going to have a long road toward healing and adjusting to living a life without alcohol to help him cope with emotions and life's challenges.
An important fact-----and it will probably be the exact opposite of your instincts----it will be a journey that he will have to sort through for himself. This is one time that the best way for you to "help" and not enable him---is to simply get out of his way and not be obstructive. You will not need to be his cheerleader or shower him with loads of positive reinforcement and praise. Don't try to be his armchair therapist---lol.
His alcoholism is His. Your job---and, probably the hardest job, for you---will be to disentangle yourself from his alcoholsm, and establish protective boundaries for yourself.
Your entanglement, thus far, has not helped him, one bit, from getting himself to where he is now. And, I promise you, it won't help in the future, either.
Here is the thing----alcoholics respond better to others---especially other recovering alcoholics, and other trained professionals who don't have a dog in the fight. They are much more witlling to take feedback from another alcoholic than they are with a loved one.
In fact, alcoholics tend to regard anyone who they perceive as coming between them and their ability to drink freely, as the "enemy". They will often hold grudges and resentments toward the very loved ones who begged them to stop drinking.
You will have to prepare yourself for when he does come back from rehab. This can be especially hard for the partner or spouse. In fact, you will probably have to make some changes in yourself and your expectations of him. He is going to have to be willing to make lots of changes---and, so will you!

Here is the link to those classic reading articles that I promised you

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)


r

DiggingForFire

Having been in the hospital with me AXH while he detoxed (he was in for liver failure and detoxed in the hospital) he was not what I would have called a reliable narrator.

I know what the doctors said, and it was very, very different from what he took from the conversations. This is even after he was pretty well stabilized and on the other side of the detox.

If they did tell him he would be dead in two years, they may have found something else wrong. Or he maybe latched onto some part of a conversation. It sounds like he was not getting the rehab recommendations right so he’s probably not on his game right now.

I think the others who say this is probably deeper than you are aware are probably correct, and keep in mind detoxing in the immediate sense is a long, long way from normal mental function for a lot of alcoholics who are far enough in to be drunk 24/7 for a week at a time.

DiggingForFire

Oops, double post.

NeverBored

This is all so helpful, thank you so much. I’ve bookmarked that reading list and am starting with “Co-Dependent No More.” I also see my own therapist today, which I’m looking forward to. I feel like I woke up one day in some really ****** Narnia and am having to learn my way around a whole new world, so I really appreciate all the help.

NeverBored

Yeah, he’s definitely not a reliable narrator. When I spoke to him yesterday he sounded so much like his old self, but I still have to remind myself that he’s still in treatment and will be for a while. I hate feeling like I can’t trust him, but I am also realizing how the addiction can take over someone’s usually so rational and intelligent brain.

FallenAngelina

AlAnon is a spiritual program, not a religious program. ENORMOUS difference. We have many atheists in our area who do not believe in God, but find other ways of experiencing a higher power. Being in nature is a higher power for many. Being in the wisdom of the community is also another way of experiencing a higher power.

The one few upsides of the pandemic is round-the-clock meetings on Zoom. You don't have to attend meetings in your area at all if the emphasis on religion doesn't work for you - although I must say that any AlAnon group that focuses on or presses a religion is not practicing the principles of the AlAnon program. We have lots of great recovery happening here in New York and you're welcome to join in the very wide circle of acceptance. Feel free to message me for meeting recommendations.

dandylion

NeverB-----I know that Facebook has a very nice atheist AA group. I would imagine that alanon has the same thing.

NeverBored

That's good to know that Al-Anon shouldn't focus on Christianity, and I appreciate the offer for recommendations! Trying out some meetings on Zoom sounds much easier than going to several in person, so I'll make sure to find some. I'm not going to discourage any kind of program for my husband right now, and will be supportive of whatever he wants to try out. I do live in the buckle of the Bible Belt (some groups sued so that the 10 Commandments would have to be posted in every government building, if that gives you any idea of what I'm dealing with around here) so a lot of things end up being religious that shouldn't be—prayers in school, the first thing someone asks you if you start a new job is what church you belong to and if you want to visit theirs, lots of discrimination based on lack of religion and LGBTQ-ness when it shouldn't be legal to do that. I've gotten really used to making polite conversation and then moving on, though, and I went through a lot to find my own therapist who wasn't secretly using Christianity and the Bible in their therapy process (the trick was to look for therapists who specialize in LGBTQ issues *and* mentioned helping people recover from religious trauma; just listing LGBTQ support could mean they were secretly conversion therapists).

But honestly, if my husband finds a meeting that's super Jesus-y and he's OK with it, that's fine with me. I'm pretty confident in my own ability to seek support that I need, and I don't want to discourage him from trying anything even if it's a bit out of our usual wheelhouse.