darkling

I think it's past time I find someone to talk to ... a place to dump some of the crazy in my head ...
I don't know where to start, but I truly feel like I am losing my mind. I can't function. if it weren't for my 2 cats, I wouldn't even bother getting out of bed.

I'm a sober alcoholic ... 28 freakin' years ... and it feels like I should be smarter than this. (riiiiiight.)

My psychiatrist has diagnosed me with c-ptsd.

My AH + I were together 26 years when I finally kicked him out for good in January of 2018. He'd been sober off + on, relapsed in 2011 ... and, well, you know ...

I haven't seen him since that night. Talked on the phone a couple times. But then I insisted on texting only so I'd have a reminder to read that nothing changes if nothing changes.

For two years I woke up every damn morning, thinking he was there. That he was either in the kitchen making breakfast or that I had to be very quiet getting out of bed so I didn't wake him up.

Most of that stopped when I didn't hear from him for 6 months.

He's been "stalking" me on facebook the last 2 years. He always slips up by liking/commenting on one of my posts. Then I block him. The latest was 2 weeks ago.

It freaks me out, upsets me, pisses me off and the cycle of obsessing about him starts all over. Yes, that's also when I started spinning again.

NO, I don't want him back. The man I married died years ago. But he wants to see me, he loves me, he wants us to get back together, blah blah blah.

His latest is that I should tell him where I live so he can come give me money. (Riiiiiiight.)

When he's drunk, he gets it into his head that he is causing me great suffering and if he were to kill me, I wouldn't suffer any more and he only tries to contact me when he's falling down drunk.

He's never physically hurt me. But when he's drunk/high he is INSANE. When he relapsed years ago, he was arrested for threatening to kill me, he did 30 days in jail + the court put a restraining order on him. I didn't take it seriously then, but I've watched him deteriorate and ... ...
now I do.

I feel mostly safe because he tho knows what city I'm in, he has no idea of where. I also live in a secure building.

I can't decide if I'm more afraid or if I'm more angry. I think I'm angry that I'm afraid ... I'm angry that I'm still letting him use so much of my energy. I'm afraid that I'm never going to feel sane, that I'm never going to be able to do more than sleep + sit on the couch ... my cats are getting depressed and I feel so guilty for not giving them much attention ...

it feels like I've been like this forever ... but I think it's been only 2 weeks ...

I have no one "in real life" and that doesn't help ... but I'm basically a anti-social hermit any way. I have good friends online ...

I'm back to having flashbacks again ... thinking he's behind me, hearing him in the other room ... seeing him at the window ... I live on the 6th floor for that reason ...

I have no idea what this post is trying to say. I just feel like I'm losing my mind and it scares me and pisses me off ...

You get a gold star if you've made it this far.

Thank you for listening.

LumenandNyx

Yeah. I agree with what you wrote here "I think it's past time I find someone to talk to"

In person.

You might get some great feedback here, but my bet is that you'll get a lot more out of having actual conversations with a person - in person.

You seem to be a prisoner to your own thoughts.

dandylion

darkling------there are several medical conditions that can contribute to the symptoms that you describe (aside from the ptsd stuff). I think it would be a good idea to talk to your doctor about the symptoms and maybe get a medical check up.

velma929

Time to tighten up those Fakebook settings?

Or take a vacation from it? I've taken a month off here and there, not for anyone stalking but for other reasons. Even now, I spend more time on the Houseplant Hobbyist page than on my own facebook page. I get tired of everyone copying and pasting the same old drivel - I want to tell folks, copying and sharing how one hates cancer doesn't do a d-mn thing to actually cure cancer, or help any friends or relatives who are sick. And political stuff? Everyone posts the same things.

I would see a doctor, and see if some kind of medication/therapy would be in order. It's been a life saver for me.

SparkleKitty

Do you think you are in place where you can consider a full court press on No Contact? Like, block his number, email, and from all of your social media platforms? You said you had peace when he stopped reaching out for those six months--maybe you could have that peace again by taking control of his access to you?

aasharon90

Hey darkling, your not far behind me with continued sobriety/recovery.

28 yrs is nothing to sneeze at or take for granted or lightly. It's a gift
and blessing for us and for all those living a sober life day after day.

My first marriage ended at 25 yrs with just me with an addiction.

When i ended the marriage, i made a decision to not have contact
with him mainly because there would be too much emotions affected
by this decision between us.

Time has passed now and we both are remarried and there still
is no contact between us. I placed him into the Hands of my HP
for guidance, care, protection and safe keeping because I couldnt
take on any of that myself.

Anyway, I continue on with my sober life staying connected here
to SR, continuing on with my recovery program helping others by
passing on the knowledge of recovery that has been taught to me
over the yrs.

In doing so, not only am I staying out of self seeking thoughts
or needs, selfishness, self centeredness....all those pesky things
by focusing on something good, healthy and rewarding.

Even tho I am retired now, i enjoy gardening which also helps
get out of my negative thoughts or whatever is ailing me. I am
never alone when it comes to nature and all its beauty that surrounds
us.

All of Gods littlest creatures that visit my garden of paradise. The
birds, butterflies, racoons, neighbors cats and who knows what else.

Anyway, if the marriage is over then it's time to put it in the past
and now is the time for you. It's time to celebrate your continued
sobriety and all of your own personal accomplishments.

Let go and let your HP, higher Power take those heavy crosses
you have been carrying on your shoulders off you to feel the freedom
you so deserve today.

We are here for you so that you are never alone.

Hopeworks

My XAH kicked in my door 6 months after my divorce was final with a lead pipe to kill me... he was on a poly drug binge but I talked him off the ledge. He was arrested but got off by becoming a CI with the drug unit and he did that for years after.

i also struggled with ptsd and fear but found counseling and always carrying a concealed weapon (must get training and a license) helped me get back on track to self confidence.

XAH also tried to get me back for many years but I was no contact except about kids... no contact ever would be a huge help!

counseling was huge with my recovery from the trauma.

additionally finding some purpose and meaning... a reason to get out of bed and do something that makes your heart happy. Volunteering, hobbies, exercise... something! Take some classes... painting or yoga or anything that interests you.

and I’d he comes to mind... cast out the thought immediately... it’s how to create new neural pathways in our brain.

Good luck finding the way out of trapped memories... it’s very possible!

darkling

Quote:

Originally Posted by LumenandNyx

You seem to be a prisoner to your own thoughts.

Exactly.

This is as close to person-to-person as I can get right now.

darkling

Quote:

Originally Posted by dandylion

darkling------there are several medical conditions that can contribute to the symptoms that you describe (aside from the ptsd stuff). I think it would be a good idea to talk to your doctor about the symptoms and maybe get a medical check up.

Oh yeah, I've got medical conditions galore.
And except for my primary-care doc saying that I need to lose 50 pounds,
this is the best I have felt/been in years.

So, just for the record:
I was dx bipolar decades ago. We finally got the right cocktail of meds 7 years ago and I have been totally stable since then. I see my pdoc on a regular basis + he's always available to me by phone. {Add GAD, ADHD, DID, c-PTSD into that mix as well.}

Physically, I have COPD, GERD, CKD Stage 3, insulin-dependent diabetes, thyroid + parathyroid issues, and, oh yeah, Multiple Myeloma that was discovered so early that I don't need chemo - yet.

Oh carp, forgot about starting to see an ENT recently for facial pain/sinus headaches. 🙄

Believe me, I am thoroughly checked out on a monthly basis by at least one member of my healthcare team. 😉

In spite of my long list of issues, and with the exception of AH, I'm actually doing better than I have in a long, long time.


edit:
@dandylion, in re-reading this I realize it may come off as snippy. That was not my intention!! I really do appreciate your concern + input. I just had to laugh when I realized how many docs I have and how often my health is evaluated by them.

darkling

Don't really want to adjust fb settings - most people just follow me, they're not actually friends. So if I switch settings, I lose most of them . . .
Oh yeah, vacations = goooood! Been doing that ALOT the last couple months. At first, just for a day or so. Now, it's a week at a time ... at least. Really, really trying to bury my head in the proverbial sand as far as politics/news is concerned. <SCREAMS>
Both of my cats have health issues and I've been mostly hanging out on cat health pages . . .

LMAO. I'm already pretty medicated! and YES, it's been a life saver! {see my reply to dandylion}

darkling

Can't block him from from FB - he just makes a new account. I'd lose most of my followers if I change my settings because they're not "friends", they just follow.
I've got his phone # blocked, but that doesn't block him from leaving a voicemail. Changing my # would be a total nightmare . . . he doesn't have an email.

Really can't believe that he's not back in prison or dead yet . . .

darkling

Hard to do when he's basically been stalking me for the last 2+ years ...

darkling

That's not an option for me, but the only time I'm out is to go to medical appointments. {My life is online.} He doesn't know where I live.
I keep a 3.5# solid cast iron pipe wrench close by for intruders . . .

dandylion

darkling----I withdraw my posted suggestion---as I can see that you have a plethora of medical intervention which you know how to manage. I do think that human connection is very important, from time to time, because we are, at baseline, social creatures. This holds true. even for self identified "introverted hermits".----lol.
I do have a couple of suggestions left in me. I think that you would certainly qualify for help from your local domestic violence organization. You can talk to them via phone or zoom, etc. They might even send a worker to your house. if they know your circumstance. You might be connected to one of their support groups---which would allow you the healing human connection,
There are also massage therapists who come to your home---which you might benefit from. Again, a real life human connection.
If you are in the States---I suggest that you contact your local county government and get a social worker as a case manager for yourself. Someone who is a friend in your corner. They know of a lot of other resources that you can be availed of. In particular---the Council on Aging-----they have lots of programs of help and outreach people. They even have connection to volunteer organizations where they send a companion to your house on a regular basis.
I like your byline----"Honest, Open, Willing" Especially. the willing part--- LOL---my grandmother must have said to me, a million times---"Where there is a will, there is a way"
I will add to that----there is rarely a situation that cannot be made some better.

Seren

Hello darkling,

Haven't seen you around these parts in a while. I'm sorry you are still going through so much! I hope you have been able to work your way into a better living situation than you had at your last visit here. It sounds as though you have the health side of things lined out with good doctors. That's great news!

I hope you will begin to at least talk to friends online via skype or some other connection. I'm trying to do more of that myself as I live alone, and the pandemic has been isolating. I'm grateful I can do my job from pretty much anywhere. Sounds like you can, too. Although I'm probably too dense to understand why you cannot find a counselor willing to use a private and secure connection over which you can talk, I will certainly take your word for it and hope you can at least reach out to people you trust IRL.

Please take good care!

darkling

It is!I didn't think this isolation crap would bother me . . .
I've cut way down on social media time lately. The closer to Nov. 3 we get, the more insane things get. So I have REALLY cut myself off . . .

re: Domestic Violence Organizations. Thought about and discussed this with friends last year, when the same situation arose. {Found out he's been stalking me on FB.} I don't know where he lives, but 99% sure he's not in my town, he's homeless and jobless – no way to serve a No Contact Order . . .

So, the thing is, I really don't think there's much anyone could do. AND I feel like compared to others, my case is just NOT that big a deal . . . ya know? {Then I feel dumb for thinking that way.} But it feels like I'd be complaining about my stubbed toe to someone who's in full body traction . . .

re: Getting a social worker as a case manager. WHAT?!How have I never heard of this?! I need to know more about this! I've been on full disability for 15 years . . . and yes, I'm in the states. <Starts a new TO DO list>

re: “Honest, Open, Willing” - Back in the dark ages when I first got sober, AA chips had HOW on the front . . . I always liked that.

dandylion

darkling-----I think that a first step toward toward getting more support---both emotional and practical---would be to go to the website for your local county government, There, you will find many, many listings of various programs and services that are offered to the citizens. Take some time and peruse them---and, there will be social workers that are employed by the county government to assist and help you. Be willing to ask questions (questions are free---lol). I call it "turning over stones".
The thing is, that, there is much more help available that most people never know about. The average person tends to think---"If I have never heard of it---it doesn't exist".

About the dv organization----you absolutely qualify for help and support. I realize that the image that most people have about dv centers is that it is for those who have been physically hit and abused, only. Not true. There are many different kinds of abuse that have nothing to do with being hit or physically attacked. Emotional abuse, for example.
The people who staff these centers tend to be very understanding and compassionate. Yes--they Do listen! They tend to be deeply committed and their whole reason for existence is to help those in a compromised situation.
They have resources at their fingertips that the average person may not know about. They can help to get people on their feet in various areas of their lives. Counseling and support groups, for example. They can be helpful in the areas of housing, legal assistance, transportation, food assistance, child care, emergency shelter (when needed), safety planning......etc,
You can reach out to them for other reasons than just about getting restraining orders.
they
The Council on Aging----you can probably find them on your county government website. Or, you can find them by google. They are known to be wonderfully helpful if you reach out to them for any problems or issues that you may have. I happen to live in Northern Virginia, and they are quite active around here.

D122y

What you are doing is better than many other options.

You did the right thing by getting away from a man that will mentally harm you or worse.

Folks here, like me, love to try and help. It is good for our brains and maybe something we offer will help you.

Bottom line is you don't want to make contact with him, you have already made it official with the whole jail time.

As we all know, an active addict is not of normal mind. Even when they are in recovery, they are still searching for normal.

I imagine he is off and on drinking, trying to quit, but he may not consider kindling and PAWS like many of us here do.

Happiness is a frame of mind. Perspective. You know. It could be worse. Right?

Thanks.

darkling

@dandylion

darkling

.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seren

Hello darkling,
Haven't seen you around these parts in a while. I'm sorry you are still going through so much! I hope you have been able to work your way into a better living situation than you had at your last visit here. ...

Hi! I went back and read my last thread and just shook my head. I was there and i still don't quite believe it . . . <rolls eyes>
The 2 cats and I have happily shared an apt for 2+ years now. Just the 3 of us and we love it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seren

… Although I'm probably too dense to understand why you cannot find a counselor willing to use a private and secure connection over which you can talk …

not sure what you're talking about??

You take care too!