Confused and frustrated in my marriage
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Join Date: Aug 2020
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Confused and frustrated in my marriage
Hi, I need some advice as I am starting to lose myself and feel stuck in my marriage. Story goes....we have been married 20 years, have 2 teenage kids. Hubby has always drank and loved to drink. His drinking would consist mainly bourbon. Became a big issue about 4 years ago to me, when I started to consider a life without him. I have stayed for the kids sake and his, and mainly my faith. But last 18months our marriage has been up and down over his drinking, argument after argument..even though he doesn't get drunk I had enough of seeing him drink daily. The arguments about his drinking have affected my 14yo daughter . She can't stand him.
Last week, i told him I cannot help him and want to leave him. I called the solicitor. Etc but just can't go through it. He promised to change this time and finally he realised he has pushed me away too far. He told me he cannot give up alcohol altogether but will try during the week not to drink. But have a few drinks fri and sat or if mate comes whatever..
Can an alcoholic cut back so easily. I am finding after he even has 1or 2 bourbons he looks a bit tipsy,how...we then start arguing again cs I.crack it when he drinks before a meal. I just don't know anymore. I have felt hot/cold towards hIm for years.
Last week, i told him I cannot help him and want to leave him. I called the solicitor. Etc but just can't go through it. He promised to change this time and finally he realised he has pushed me away too far. He told me he cannot give up alcohol altogether but will try during the week not to drink. But have a few drinks fri and sat or if mate comes whatever..
Can an alcoholic cut back so easily. I am finding after he even has 1or 2 bourbons he looks a bit tipsy,how...we then start arguing again cs I.crack it when he drinks before a meal. I just don't know anymore. I have felt hot/cold towards hIm for years.
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You've got part of it right: you can't really help him, other that to stay out of his way should he decide to change his life.
He loves to drink. He has told you he's not willing to stop. In general, alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse and worse over time.
You don't like his drinking. It isn't clear to me whether it's because his behavior while drinking is unacceptable, or whether you would prefer to be married to someone who doesn't drink at all. If it's the first, you need to make a decision about staying in the marriage.
...even though he doesn't get drunk I had enough of seeing him drink daily. If that's it, that's just a battle of wills.
*I* drink almost daily, but it's usually only one, none if I'm not feeling well. And yes, before a meal, too, since I often start the drink while I'm making dinner, and finish it during dinner. If a doctor told me I needed to quit, no problem. I'm not addicted.
Having someone say to me: "I want a partner who doesn't drink. Change because I say so" I might very well tell him to get lost. You're telling him drinking is unacceptable after 20 years.
I may have interpreted your post all wrong. There may be many problems your husband's drinking has caused, but you didn't state any. You just don't like it. Someone who is tipsy after one or two drinks hasn't built up a huge tolerance. If he's drinking in secret and you only see him drink one or two, that's indicative of a problem, but you don't say that.
I don't know if your husband loves bourbon more than family life, of he just feels like this is a power play.
He loves to drink. He has told you he's not willing to stop. In general, alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse and worse over time.
You don't like his drinking. It isn't clear to me whether it's because his behavior while drinking is unacceptable, or whether you would prefer to be married to someone who doesn't drink at all. If it's the first, you need to make a decision about staying in the marriage.
...even though he doesn't get drunk I had enough of seeing him drink daily. If that's it, that's just a battle of wills.
*I* drink almost daily, but it's usually only one, none if I'm not feeling well. And yes, before a meal, too, since I often start the drink while I'm making dinner, and finish it during dinner. If a doctor told me I needed to quit, no problem. I'm not addicted.
Having someone say to me: "I want a partner who doesn't drink. Change because I say so" I might very well tell him to get lost. You're telling him drinking is unacceptable after 20 years.
I may have interpreted your post all wrong. There may be many problems your husband's drinking has caused, but you didn't state any. You just don't like it. Someone who is tipsy after one or two drinks hasn't built up a huge tolerance. If he's drinking in secret and you only see him drink one or two, that's indicative of a problem, but you don't say that.
I don't know if your husband loves bourbon more than family life, of he just feels like this is a power play.
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Hello samantha, I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I am glad you found us!
I've never been directly promised by an active alcoholic that they will cut back. But from reading here over the years, that sounds like a promise of "moderation". And moderation typically fails over and over again.
His drinking may not be a problem for him, but it sounds like it is for you and certainly for your child. Unfortunately, if he doesn't see it as a problem, he is unlikely to stop.
I hope you will stick around and keep reading here. Knowledge is power and strength!
I've never been directly promised by an active alcoholic that they will cut back. But from reading here over the years, that sounds like a promise of "moderation". And moderation typically fails over and over again.
His drinking may not be a problem for him, but it sounds like it is for you and certainly for your child. Unfortunately, if he doesn't see it as a problem, he is unlikely to stop.
I hope you will stick around and keep reading here. Knowledge is power and strength!
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Hello,
Based on what you wrote - I felt like I was privy to the end of your relationship. Some relationships don't last forever. They aren't meant to. You wrote "He told me he cannot give up alcohol altogether but will try during the week not to drink. But have a few drinks fri and sat or if mate comes whatever.." WOW. That's saying a lot.
To me - that's like saying he wants his mistress AND you. He can't have it both ways unless you allow it.
Based on what you wrote - I felt like I was privy to the end of your relationship. Some relationships don't last forever. They aren't meant to. You wrote "He told me he cannot give up alcohol altogether but will try during the week not to drink. But have a few drinks fri and sat or if mate comes whatever.." WOW. That's saying a lot.
To me - that's like saying he wants his mistress AND you. He can't have it both ways unless you allow it.
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You say he doesn’t get drunk but looks tipsy after one or two drinks? My guess is that if he looks tipsy after one or two drinks that he is likely drinking in secret and you only see part of it. You don’t mention how much he really drinks or what sort of problems it has caused so hard to judge if he is truly alcoholic or not but my guess is that is probably is as it has caused problems in your marriage.
Assuming he truly is an alcoholic he will not be able to drink in moderation, he might be to for a short while but it won’t last. He clearly doesn’t have a problem with his drinking but you do. Staying together for the kids is a bad idea. Kids are not dumb and they will pick up on this as well as all the dysfunction in the marriage/family. If he is an alcoholic then marriage counseling won’t do any good as long as he is actively drinking.
Clearly you are not happy in your marriage and you are resentful. I can promise you that also will get worse just like his drinking. Why stay in a marriage that makes you unhappy? And this is whether there is an alcohol problem or not. I stuck around because financially we were very well off, traveled a lot etc. He was not physically abusing me and not a bad guy. He stopped many times and then started drinking in moderation which always led to more. Each time it got worse. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it (well I could have but I felt ashamed and felt like I needed to keep this secret and cover for him....now I know I shouldn’t have done that). I was lonely in my marriage and became more and more resentful. I gave him an ultimatum and it worked but only because he had actually gotten to the point himself that he felt he couldn’t go on like that. He got clean (inpatient rehab etc) but it was too late for me. The last 2 years he had destroyed any feeling I had for him. During counseling (because of course I had a lot of guilt about wanting to split because I gave him and ultimatum and he actually quit/did proper recovery) my therapist reminded me several times that things don’t necessarily have to be bad as far as abuse etc to want to leave. If you are unhappy for whatever reason and you don’t feel that thing will get better then that is enough reason to divorce. No reason to stay around being miserable because your kids will suffer from that as well. Especially as teens they will not got a good example of what healthy relationships look like and this will affect their future relationships as well and not usually for the better. And what happens when they are out of the house and you no longer have that buffer? Will you just silently suffer because your faith tells you so? If you have teens you probably are still young (I’m 47 and consider my self young FYI
). Are you really wanting to spend the next few decades being miserable and resentful?
I feel so much better being single. And honestly t is much better for our kid too. She doesn’t live in a house where there is always tension. It was scary of course the though of being on my own and giving up a lot of the perks that came with my marriage but in the end those weren’t worth it. I really felt that if I stayed I would still end up leaving once kid would leave the nest and then I would’ve wasted 10 years of my life.
I would probably start with checking out alanon and also getting counseling for yourself. Preferably with a therapist that has experience dealing with addiction. That way you have third unbiased party you can discuss your feeling with and hopefully sort through them to see what will be best for you. It took me lots of counseling to be at peace with wanting out. We split 2 years after rehab. And definitely educate yourself about alcoholism. Most people (including medical providers like myself) know very little about alcoholism and addiction. The alcohol is only a small part of the addiction equation and unless you have lived it as an add it or loved one of most people don’t understand that. It isn’t as easy as quitting alcohol and everything will be fine and dandy...ate last not in the vast majority of cases. I also recommend reading codependent no more. I had no idea I was codependent (or even what that was) until someone recommended reading that.
start thinking about what your needs are and your kids as well. If your husband is not willing to change then you need to decide what you are willing to tolerate and create boundaries. You deserve to be happy and if you are not, alcohol or not, then there’s is nothing wrong with wanting out. Too many people stay in unhappy marriages and life is too short to do that. Only you can decide if there is hope for you as a couple or not. And you do t she to make any decisions today or tomorrow or next week. But I would start to look at options whatever they might be. And keep coming back here because there is lots of good info and you will realize that yout story is very similar to a lot of ours.
Assuming he truly is an alcoholic he will not be able to drink in moderation, he might be to for a short while but it won’t last. He clearly doesn’t have a problem with his drinking but you do. Staying together for the kids is a bad idea. Kids are not dumb and they will pick up on this as well as all the dysfunction in the marriage/family. If he is an alcoholic then marriage counseling won’t do any good as long as he is actively drinking.
Clearly you are not happy in your marriage and you are resentful. I can promise you that also will get worse just like his drinking. Why stay in a marriage that makes you unhappy? And this is whether there is an alcohol problem or not. I stuck around because financially we were very well off, traveled a lot etc. He was not physically abusing me and not a bad guy. He stopped many times and then started drinking in moderation which always led to more. Each time it got worse. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it (well I could have but I felt ashamed and felt like I needed to keep this secret and cover for him....now I know I shouldn’t have done that). I was lonely in my marriage and became more and more resentful. I gave him an ultimatum and it worked but only because he had actually gotten to the point himself that he felt he couldn’t go on like that. He got clean (inpatient rehab etc) but it was too late for me. The last 2 years he had destroyed any feeling I had for him. During counseling (because of course I had a lot of guilt about wanting to split because I gave him and ultimatum and he actually quit/did proper recovery) my therapist reminded me several times that things don’t necessarily have to be bad as far as abuse etc to want to leave. If you are unhappy for whatever reason and you don’t feel that thing will get better then that is enough reason to divorce. No reason to stay around being miserable because your kids will suffer from that as well. Especially as teens they will not got a good example of what healthy relationships look like and this will affect their future relationships as well and not usually for the better. And what happens when they are out of the house and you no longer have that buffer? Will you just silently suffer because your faith tells you so? If you have teens you probably are still young (I’m 47 and consider my self young FYI
). Are you really wanting to spend the next few decades being miserable and resentful? I feel so much better being single. And honestly t is much better for our kid too. She doesn’t live in a house where there is always tension. It was scary of course the though of being on my own and giving up a lot of the perks that came with my marriage but in the end those weren’t worth it. I really felt that if I stayed I would still end up leaving once kid would leave the nest and then I would’ve wasted 10 years of my life.
I would probably start with checking out alanon and also getting counseling for yourself. Preferably with a therapist that has experience dealing with addiction. That way you have third unbiased party you can discuss your feeling with and hopefully sort through them to see what will be best for you. It took me lots of counseling to be at peace with wanting out. We split 2 years after rehab. And definitely educate yourself about alcoholism. Most people (including medical providers like myself) know very little about alcoholism and addiction. The alcohol is only a small part of the addiction equation and unless you have lived it as an add it or loved one of most people don’t understand that. It isn’t as easy as quitting alcohol and everything will be fine and dandy...ate last not in the vast majority of cases. I also recommend reading codependent no more. I had no idea I was codependent (or even what that was) until someone recommended reading that.
start thinking about what your needs are and your kids as well. If your husband is not willing to change then you need to decide what you are willing to tolerate and create boundaries. You deserve to be happy and if you are not, alcohol or not, then there’s is nothing wrong with wanting out. Too many people stay in unhappy marriages and life is too short to do that. Only you can decide if there is hope for you as a couple or not. And you do t she to make any decisions today or tomorrow or next week. But I would start to look at options whatever they might be. And keep coming back here because there is lots of good info and you will realize that yout story is very similar to a lot of ours.
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Join Date: Aug 2020
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Thank you for your support and great advice, means so much. X
My husband is an alcoholic. He drank quite heavily few years back half bottle bourbon and more on weekends. Stopped weed 5 years ago too. I always hated the alcohol but got used to it I guess. 4 years ago I started to become resentful towards him and to this day I'm still hot/cold towards him. well have a few good days together then all the sudden I can't stand him. he is trying only recently to cut back on drinking which is now 2 drinks daily been also some days no alcohol. He's like support me. He turns me off, sweats when he eats, gets shakes in the morning, fidgets at night, doesnt eat much. I know he's trying but deep down it's too late, feel bad to say this.
when he doesn't drink more hes now moody irritable depressed. Deep down I can't stand this, and feel now I'm getting depressed. I guess I am scared to leave as we are financially secure and I live quite comfortable. But...i just can't bring myself to take the plunge as I have threatened divorce many times. I guess I don't want the emotions after if we have to continue living together idk I feel so weak. My 14yo daughter said to me last week why be married she said he treats me ****. There's been numerous times hubby tone is angry towards me. Then he will tell me what's wrong.
thanking you all.again.
My husband is an alcoholic. He drank quite heavily few years back half bottle bourbon and more on weekends. Stopped weed 5 years ago too. I always hated the alcohol but got used to it I guess. 4 years ago I started to become resentful towards him and to this day I'm still hot/cold towards him. well have a few good days together then all the sudden I can't stand him. he is trying only recently to cut back on drinking which is now 2 drinks daily been also some days no alcohol. He's like support me. He turns me off, sweats when he eats, gets shakes in the morning, fidgets at night, doesnt eat much. I know he's trying but deep down it's too late, feel bad to say this.
when he doesn't drink more hes now moody irritable depressed. Deep down I can't stand this, and feel now I'm getting depressed. I guess I am scared to leave as we are financially secure and I live quite comfortable. But...i just can't bring myself to take the plunge as I have threatened divorce many times. I guess I don't want the emotions after if we have to continue living together idk I feel so weak. My 14yo daughter said to me last week why be married she said he treats me ****. There's been numerous times hubby tone is angry towards me. Then he will tell me what's wrong.
thanking you all.again.
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Hi Samantha,
Sometimes, there is just a bit of relief being able to talk to someone about it all. I hope you will keep coming here to read, learn, and post all that you need.
Your daughter sounds like a bright young lady, and she sees it all.
My ex-husband was mentally and occasionally verbally abusive to me. I never thought that he was until I had been a member here for several years. It took a lot of reading the stories of other members to truly understand. Ultimately, he cheated on me and filed for divorce. I was fortunate, in one sense, in that we had no children whose lives were affected by the dysfunction. I was afraid to end my marriage, too, or even live without him. It felt like failure to me, and I did not get married to end up divorced.
I hope each day brings you a bit of peace, clarity, and strength!
S
Sometimes, there is just a bit of relief being able to talk to someone about it all. I hope you will keep coming here to read, learn, and post all that you need.
Originally Posted by Samantha01
Deep down I can't stand this, and feel now I'm getting depressed. I guess I am scared to leave as we are financially secure and I live quite comfortable. But...i just can't bring myself to take the plunge as I have threatened divorce many times. I guess I don't want the emotions after if we have to continue living together idk I feel so weak. My 14yo daughter said to me last week why be married she said he treats me ****. There's been numerous times hubby tone is angry towards me. Then he will tell me what's wrong.
My ex-husband was mentally and occasionally verbally abusive to me. I never thought that he was until I had been a member here for several years. It took a lot of reading the stories of other members to truly understand. Ultimately, he cheated on me and filed for divorce. I was fortunate, in one sense, in that we had no children whose lives were affected by the dysfunction. I was afraid to end my marriage, too, or even live without him. It felt like failure to me, and I did not get married to end up divorced.
I hope each day brings you a bit of peace, clarity, and strength!
S
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That presents a very different picture. It sounds as if your husband is actually drinking in secret, and only having one or two drinks in front of you. Shakes and irritability when alcohol levels are decreasing is common.
Sleepy Hollow's post is spot on. Even if your husband wasn't an alcoholic, your feelings have changed. Sometimes there is no going back.
Anyone with any sense of commitment at all, who made wedding vows and meant them, will feel bad about the end of a relationship. That isn't necessarily a sign that separating is wrong, but sadness that things didn't work out.
I'm also on a couple forums for widows and widowers. Those of us who stayed 'until death parted us' have had alcoholic and drug addicted partners. It's possible to love someone who isn't good for us or maybe isn't good for anyone. Someone doesn't have to be a bad or immoral person to be unsuited to marriage. I stayed - I don't recommend it, but everyone has to assess his/her own situation and decide what's going to suit her best. If you're fairly young (under 50 or so?) you have a lot of life ahead of you. Is this how you want to spend it?
Also - my Dad was a functional alcoholic. I think that made it easier for me to look at my own husband's addiction and not see it as alarming or unusual. Sadly, Dad had a DUI that resulted in a fatality. He was sent to prison - at the age of 76 - and the civil suit cost my parents half their life savings. Maybe your husband doesn't drink and drive - not everyone does. But your second post hints that he may be drinking when and where you don't see it.
Sleepy Hollow's post is spot on. Even if your husband wasn't an alcoholic, your feelings have changed. Sometimes there is no going back.
Anyone with any sense of commitment at all, who made wedding vows and meant them, will feel bad about the end of a relationship. That isn't necessarily a sign that separating is wrong, but sadness that things didn't work out.
I'm also on a couple forums for widows and widowers. Those of us who stayed 'until death parted us' have had alcoholic and drug addicted partners. It's possible to love someone who isn't good for us or maybe isn't good for anyone. Someone doesn't have to be a bad or immoral person to be unsuited to marriage. I stayed - I don't recommend it, but everyone has to assess his/her own situation and decide what's going to suit her best. If you're fairly young (under 50 or so?) you have a lot of life ahead of you. Is this how you want to spend it?
Also - my Dad was a functional alcoholic. I think that made it easier for me to look at my own husband's addiction and not see it as alarming or unusual. Sadly, Dad had a DUI that resulted in a fatality. He was sent to prison - at the age of 76 - and the civil suit cost my parents half their life savings. Maybe your husband doesn't drink and drive - not everyone does. But your second post hints that he may be drinking when and where you don't see it.
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Samantha----the words of your 14yr. old daughter really impacted me. My heart went out to her. The things that she is witnessing, now, will be carried with her into her own adulthood. They will stay in her memory forever.
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He is trying first to moderate his drinking, but don't think this is working. A week ago I was ready to leave but feel like I'm only with him now for his mental health. When he has no drink days, he's down, depressed and annoying. Don'tknow why I feel like there is still some hope.
Things were bad a week ago between us he drank a lot 1 day, sat in his car in the garage with loud music had the engine running..i came in the garage and he was passed out with the fumes. no doors open, this was worrying. He said he had fallen asleep but I was worried for his mental health. Just hard I care for him but I know he won't cope if he looses me, and hate to say this but he will prob get depressed and do something stupid.
Things were bad a week ago between us he drank a lot 1 day, sat in his car in the garage with loud music had the engine running..i came in the garage and he was passed out with the fumes. no doors open, this was worrying. He said he had fallen asleep but I was worried for his mental health. Just hard I care for him but I know he won't cope if he looses me, and hate to say this but he will prob get depressed and do something stupid.
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Originally Posted by Samantha01 
Just hard I care for him but I know he won't cope if he looses me, and hate to say this but he will prob get depressed and do something stupid.
First, it sounds like his drinking problem is much more serious than 1-2 bourbons, and the shakes you mention prove that. Second, after reading your posts, it sounds like you simply had enough, but then it also feels like you are feeling obliged to care for your husband and his well-being because he is technically speaking not able to take care of himself anymore. But here is a catch. By not letting him experience the consequences of his alcoholism, which inevitably means letting him do something stupid and getting "hurt," and this does not mean getting hurt physically exclusively, you are an active participant, his codependent and an enabler. You are a hostage and are sacrificing your happiness for someone who already told you that he is not willing to give up alcohol. Alcoholism is progressive, and your sticking around cannot prevent anything or even slow down anything. Moderation will not work. It is also important that you learn what is exactly your responsibility, and what is purely his responsibility when it comes to his drinking. Another thing I noticed in your posts is resentfulness. Now, that is not a good feeling to live with. Please allow yourself to be happy again.Just consider that possibility.
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Originally Posted by Samantha01
Don'tknow why I feel like there is still some hope.
2) Because you took your vows seriously
3) Because it wasn't this bad in the beginning
4) Because you have some compassion left, and it's sad to think of him doing this without his family (but he must, quitting is an inside job)
5) because TV and movies and sometimes still society gives the message "Love conquers all." (It doesn't)
6) It's a pain in the neck to admit to friends and family the marriage didn't work out. (I came from a family with few divorces) Additionally, some of the people you tell will have the opinion that love conquers all, and judge you.
7) You think "It's his disease, and if only he didn't drink, everything would be okay." No, once someone stops drinking, the constellation of circumstances that caused him or or to drink still have to be dealt with.
When my husband died, I was sad. Really sad. Didn't go to work for two weeks, cried in the ladies room sad. The man I loved started disappearing years before he died. As much as I miss him, I hope he found in death the peace that eluded him in life.
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Originally Posted by Samantha01
Things were bad a week ago between us he drank a lot 1 day, sat in his car in the garage with loud music had the engine running..i came in the garage and he was passed out with the fumes. no doors open, this was worrying. He said he had fallen asleep but I was worried for his mental health. Just hard I care for him but I know he won't cope if he looses me, and hate to say this but he will prob get depressed and do something stupid.
I'm sure you know this but I don't know if you have considered he could have killed all of you.
I would strongly encourage him to get help, hopefully he will see his way out of this. You don't have to stick around and be his minder though, you actually can't help him.
I really hope you have a carbon monoxide detector on all levels of your home and it might not be a bad idea to have one inside the garage door.
He needs help, professional help, psychiatric attention. He probably won't go for that. Does he expect you to take care of him for the rest of his life while he tries to do himself (and you) harm?
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It is sad when we recognize that someone we loves lacks the coping skills necessary to handle adult life. It is often sadder to accept that we cannot make up for that lack by sacrificing our own happiness.
There is no substitute for self-worth and responsibility for self. If we are always saving someone, they are never learning to save themselves. And many times, we are neglecting to save ourselves in the process.
There is no substitute for self-worth and responsibility for self. If we are always saving someone, they are never learning to save themselves. And many times, we are neglecting to save ourselves in the process.
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Thanks for the response and great advice. The garage incident is away from.the house, he still claims he just listened to music fell asleep.. the thing is this car is a high powerful car, he had a handful drinks, sad and when I saw him I could not wake him. Last few days he's been quiet and has had no drinks. The thing is if I tell him I don't want to be married to him anymore, it will be difficult to continue living together etc...can't be bothered with emotions watching him beg, cry etc... If i had a getaway plan I guess will be ok. He needs me, I don't need him. Buy fear is my enemy and breaking me.
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Well tonight I told hubby I want out. I have said I want out a handful of times. He has again broken down saying I'm.giving up not trying etc.. he said he's trying to cut back booze and I'm.not supporting him through it all. He knows it's hard on him with withdrawals etc and I'm.not there for him. I told him I'm always hot/cold towards him and can't help the way I feel.. He's not giving up easily and begging/crying for counselling. I told him our marriage is not happy and all I want is peace.
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Counseling with an addict who is still indulging in their addiction at any level is a waste of time. He needs help and support that you are not able to provide, and it is emotional blackmail for him to refuse to acknowledge that.
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If you don't need him, and you write "If [you] had a get-away plan," then form one.
Years ago before ***** answers there was a Google answers (no longer exists)
I found step-by-step instructions on "How to leave an alcoholic." I don't remember exactly, but part of her suggestion was to start looking for, and renting, an apartment early on in your planning. The thought process was: You will feel very different the moment the keys to YOUR OWN APARTMENT were in your hands.
She suggested paying extra for a discreet friend to pick up a rental truck the night before your move (so your not messing around the morning of, ) and hiring casual labor to help load and unload it. Plan for them to arrive an hour or so after your husband leaves for work.
Load up the things most precious to you, your clothes, your bank records, retirement info, your most needed paperwork. Make copies of your house keys, but leave the originals in plain sight on the table. Your partner may think you no longer have access to the house, and it will work in your favor if he doesn't bother to change the locks. You may be able to retrieve things you missed moving out.
You may want to consult a lawyer on the after-effects of leaving the house - but if what you want is peace - you're going to have a hard time evicting your husband if he's on the lease or deed.
I could have sworn the article, or a link or reproduction of it, was on the stickies on this forum, but for the life of me I can't find it.
Years ago before ***** answers there was a Google answers (no longer exists)
I found step-by-step instructions on "How to leave an alcoholic." I don't remember exactly, but part of her suggestion was to start looking for, and renting, an apartment early on in your planning. The thought process was: You will feel very different the moment the keys to YOUR OWN APARTMENT were in your hands.
She suggested paying extra for a discreet friend to pick up a rental truck the night before your move (so your not messing around the morning of, ) and hiring casual labor to help load and unload it. Plan for them to arrive an hour or so after your husband leaves for work.
Load up the things most precious to you, your clothes, your bank records, retirement info, your most needed paperwork. Make copies of your house keys, but leave the originals in plain sight on the table. Your partner may think you no longer have access to the house, and it will work in your favor if he doesn't bother to change the locks. You may be able to retrieve things you missed moving out.
You may want to consult a lawyer on the after-effects of leaving the house - but if what you want is peace - you're going to have a hard time evicting your husband if he's on the lease or deed.
I could have sworn the article, or a link or reproduction of it, was on the stickies on this forum, but for the life of me I can't find it.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
There are a bunch of "How to leave" instructions here in the Stickies:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...how-leave.html (How to leave)
I've left three long term relationships. Each one was differing levels of danger and/or my ability to stay in the home. I would just warn that an alcoholic will drink more when under this kind of stress, so never underestimate what he may do when/if you do finally decide to leave. I think the suggestion to do it stealthily is the best suggestion in the case of a man who is drinking. In a blackout he may do things that are completely out of character.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...how-leave.html (How to leave)
I've left three long term relationships. Each one was differing levels of danger and/or my ability to stay in the home. I would just warn that an alcoholic will drink more when under this kind of stress, so never underestimate what he may do when/if you do finally decide to leave. I think the suggestion to do it stealthily is the best suggestion in the case of a man who is drinking. In a blackout he may do things that are completely out of character.
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