freedomfries

It was some time ago but my mother just told me about it today. My sister didn't tell my mother what I said. My sister hasn't spoken to me for a while but I thought that was because of the stress I put my parents under with my drinking.

I've said some truly nasty things that I didn't mean when blackout drunk.

I'm wondering should I apologize next time she's home or if I should wait until I get some sober time under my belt. I'm currently five days sober.

I hope it's ok that I posted here bit I wanted to get the views of people with addicted loved ones. Would you rather an apology that had more sober time behind it?

LumenandNyx

My guess is that your sister is much more interested in your getting sober than she is in an apology made out of guilt.
An apology probably won't carry near as much weight as your sober behavior will.

freedomfries

Thanks. My recovering addict friend said I should make an apology as soon as possible but I thought an apology five days sober would ring a bit hollow.

LumenandNyx

I get it. But I've been in your situation before and honestly, the only thing my family really wanted to hear was that I was still sober. My apologies stopped meaning anything to them. They'd been let down too many times.

Amaranth

I think it's important that your family know that you are owning and taking responsibility for your behaviour. That is a great first step.
apologies can come later. They are not much use without changed behaviour to back them up. Amends don't need to be apologies, they can be new behaviours. Recognizing your hurtful behaviours and being aware enough not to repeat them will demonstrate that you are serious about your recovery.
Try to focus on your own recovery first and foremost. Sobriety is for yourself before your family. It can take a long time to rebuild bridges with family members.
I'm glad you posted here. It's always good to hear from the "other side". Wishing you hope and strength for your continued sobriety.

NYCDoglvr

Congratulations on 5 days. Definitely get some sober time, at least three months but preferably longer. In AA it's called a "living amends" When we're sober we're different people from our drunk selves. It's not words, but actions, that speak volumes.

nez

Yes it is. Thanks Amaranth, from this alcoholic, for that insightful and well thought out post. It reminds me of the power of looking for the similarities, because when you get down to it, we are all human beings with the same goals and aspirations deep down in our authentic self.

trailmix

I agree that actions not words speak volumes but I would still make that apology as soon as possible.

It may not have as much impact as say, apologizing with 5 months sober, but it will still have an impact and this is about having your Sister feel better right? Even, I heard what I said and I'm truly sorry, I will try to do so much better.

The longer you leave it, the more time for resentment to build.

freedomfries

I'll make it as soon as she comes home again.

wehav2day

FF, I’m glad you’re 5 days sober. Congratulations.

Early sobriety is the time time to focus on your sobriety, on doing the next right thing. It’s really not the time to play whack a mole trying to tamp down or make right all the regrets which inevitably pop up one by one or in a rush of many.

If i I sound like someone who has been there, it’s because I am and I have. I’m also what we call a “double winner,” my mother was an addict. Then I had to go and become an alkie too, lol.

This friends and family forum is for people who have people like us to deal with. It’s where they go to support each other. Most of the time, I read what they have to say. To remind me that I don’t want to hurt others in this way ever again. To lend support when I can.

You will learn what you’re asking about when you really concentrate on your own recovery. If you do a program, like AA, you learn how to clear the wreckage of your past. You even learn in the right order, confronting what is hurting you so you have the strength to confront and correct what you’ve done to others.

Embrace your recovery. Stay sober. Do the next right thing. Listen and learn. The rest will fall into place, it really will.

freedomfries

Hmmm. So it seems there's some conflicting opinions. I'm not sure what to do. I guess I'll just focus on my sobriety for now.

SparkleKitty

Your sister has not asked you for an apology, nor has she even brought up the situation directly with you. She vented to Mom, who then told you what happened. That's kind of a classic triangulation for families where there is addiction and codependence, but that's not important right now.

I think the best thing you can do is honor your sister, and not try to assume or guess what she needs or wants. And in the meantime, yes, keep your focus on staying sober.

hopeful4

I am going to be brutally honest. How many times have you had to say you are sorry to your family?

I got the "I am sorry,I will change" over and over until it meant nothing. Maybe letting your family know that you are sorry but recognize that you can only show that through your own actions. Then do it. No matter what.

That is just my two cents. Good luck to you and on your sobriety. It is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your family.

trailmix

I think that's because we don't know your Sister, so can't be sure how she will take your apology.

I like apologies when they are sincere. But again, I'm not sure how your Sister will take it and how close you are.

ElizabethReed

Congrats on five days sober FF, that's awesome.

My brother is an alcoholic. He's never said anything nasty to me but he's lied to me many times. I've distanced myself from him as a result. An apology from him would be welcomed, but what I really want from him is honesty, and a commitment to sobriety and recovery, and that does take time to demonstrate convincingly. Mainly I want to see him healthy and happy, and I'd guess that your sister feels the same. So, I think an apology right now probably wouldn't hurt, but focusing on your recovery is the best thing you can do, for you and for her.

seekingcalm

Dear Freedom Fries,
As a mother of an alcoholic son who has not seen or spoken with him for a very long time, should my son decide to seek recovery, I wouldn't feel that he needed to apologize to me for anything he did while active and drunk, but I would love to just have him reach out to say he loves me and that he loves himself enough to want to feel better and do better. Nothing would please me more. Actions are what's most important, and reaching out with love.
Your post gives me hope for a better future for my son and for our relationship.

Seren

I can't second this enough

JK130

I was the alcoholic. My loved one left me. He died after I was sober but before I apologized, and I live alone with that guilt and shame. Making amends now might help your own recovery. Perhaps your sister won't believe you, so you'll have to stay sober. Perhaps she's waiting for you.

FallenAngelina

Your sister's feelings are not yours to manage. You can't possibly know how she would take an apology, nor can you know if an apology would make things better right now. Trying to manage other people's emotions in efforts to feel better ourselves is part of codependence. Unhooking from the constant anxiety of trying to manage (control) situations is paramount to recovery. It's why the first few steps are based on hooking into our spirituality. We need to have something solid to hold onto as we unhook from codependence. We need to focus first on feeling for our own inner voice, the guidance of our own spirituality. Only after a long time of doing this are we able to go back and make amends that can be fruitful for all concerned. Offering amends based on guilt or fear of what another feels or on efforts to control an outcome - those are all rooted in codependence. Only amends rooted in peace will have lasting, positive value.

It's essential to understand that recovery for both the alcoholic and for the loved ones (who are us in this section) lies in learning to stop trying to control others and outcomes, navigate our own emotional ships and allow the same for others. For most of us, that is a complete sea change in how we've been living. It takes time. But it works if you work it.