FWN

It's been a while but I want to update you guys here because I think some people had been following my story and mine is like so, so many others here on the forum. I came to this forum in June 2019 the wife of an alcoholic (was he?! wasn't he?!), desperate for answers, unsure if he was really an alcoholic and desperate for someone here to tell me he was different or that there was genuine hope for our marriage and instead what I got was a year and a half of more personal growth, learning, and freedom than I ever thought possible. And there's absolutely no way I could ever be where I am today without the support I've received on this forum, even the learning and growth I felt simply by reading everyone else's stories and the responses to them in the threads. I'm forever grateful for this forum and everyone in it.

The actual update: divorce was final in July. We just sold my dream home and I've moved into a home that's not as 'perfect' but is more wonderful than I thought possible, perfectly imperfect for me and my 3 kiddos now 7, 4, and 1. I'm way happier in this house than I ever was in the perfect home I built with my AH. I feel free, I feel peaceful, and I appreciate the chaos of my 3 little munchkins (instead of the added chaos of the 4th child/AH) and am so thankful for what I have every single day.
My exAH isn't doing so well. He's not drinking, but he's incredibly depressed and miserable and blames everyone/everything but himself. He says he's made so many mistakes and wishes there was something he could do to make it up to me. (Mistakes he says? No, choices.) He says all of this is surreal and he cannot understand how we got here. I do. I was there. Somehow he cannot see past his own hurt to dig deeper and analyze his actions/choices and their impact on the people around him.
We told the kids about the divorce just tonight and they had zero emotional reaction to it at all. Seemed almost unphased by it. All I can think is that it's all happened so gradually this past year (we've been living apart mostly since January) that they were fine with it. I know there is more to come, but I was expecting much worse than we got. I did 100% of the talking, exAH just sat there and listened and offered zero words, zero emotion other than wallowing in his own self pity.

At some point along the way I decided to make myself, my wants and needs, priority over his and that changed everything. Along with finally paying attention to ONLY his actions and completely disregarding his words. What an eye opener that is to simply look at someone's actions and determine for yourself what's actually happening instead of constantly second guessing yourself thinking you're crazy. No, it wasn't me like he always said. It was him.

I never thought I'd be divorced after 11 years of marriage at 35 years old with 3 kids 7 and under, but I am. And I finally feel free from the chaos and frustration and when I look back on it all, I'm just in awe of what I've endured and sadly what I've allowed for so long. I think for a moment I should have left sooner, but not in my case because I wouldn't have my sweet baby #3 and she's worth everything I've gone through to get where I am now, all of my kids are.

I feel happy and grateful and hopeful for the future. I'm doing things each day that I want to do and working not to let my exAH's situation put any weight on me. It's not my problem anymore. Am I perfect at it? No. But the important thing is that I recognize the feelings and co-dependent impulses and let them pass.

That's all. Alcoholism is devastating. I'm deeply saddened by the end of my marriage and if there was a single thing I could have done to reverse the damage that was done I would, but once I got off of the alcoholic's carousel I looked back at what we had (gosh and what we didn't have) and realized marriage isn't a marriage at all without love, respect, and trust. And we had none of those things anymore.

Thank you SR community, I'm forever grateful for your support along this journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Dee74

Thank you for the update FWN and all the very best for the future

D

SparkleKitty

Thank you for the update. It makes me feel hopeful.

dandylion

FWN-----Look at You----so far along the road to Self Actualization! I am proud of you for not giving up on yourself. Thanks for the update and taking your time to remember us,

LumenandNyx

You come across as sane, lucid, and healthy.
I'm happy for you.

trailmix

It was quite a road you travelled but here you are in such a good place. I'm so happy for you.

It's great that you are feeling that contentment and peace. You know it's interesting with children at those ages, I'm not surprised really and I think it speaks to what we say here about the affect on children. When they watch the dynamics in a household with an alcoholic, they think that is "normal". When Mom and Dad are going to live in separate houses, ok, that's normal too. I'm happy for them as well.

Hope you will stick around and share your wisdom and I'm so glad you came and posted an update.

ironwill

FWN.

I'm glad that you have found yourself and are happy about the future to come. This past year has been a long journey for you. Just remember to take each day one at a time. Keep being strong for yourself and your 3 little munchkins. Most of all keep doing the things that bring you happiness.

SmallButMighty

FWN, You already know how proud I am of you and your progress over this past year. I know it has been a rough and bumpy road but you have made amazing strides. Every once in a while someone will land here ready to listen and accept new ways of considering the situation. Usually people are like me and a little more resistant to change, people like me just want to fix our "broken person" and get on with a "normal" life. It takes us a little longer to come to terms with things. I'm so glad you were one of the exceptions FWN. You still did things on your own time line, as we all should, but you were much more open and accepting to change than I (and many like me) were. As difficult as this last year and a half has been, you have saved yourself (and your children) from many more years of upset, pain, frustration, fear, anger and anxiety.

Like you I don't regret that I tried to make my marriage work, and I am so very grateful for the children that resulted from that union. There were many good times, I can cherish those memories while still knowing it was best that we parted ways. I'm glad you are finding this kind of peace in your heart too. This kind of acceptance is important for healthy forward growth. You are going to flourish!

I hope you decide to stick around and share your wisdom here at SRF&F, you are a definite success story! But.. I also understand if you need a break from the anguish that is so often displayed here by those of us still in the throes of it. I do hope that you will at the very least keep popping in to let us know how you and the kiddos are doing, I am confident you are all going to thrive but I still want to hear about it!

Thank you for such a wonderful update.

Freshstart1111

Wow. Sounds exactly where I am too. Except it took me an additional 11 years and his affair to pry me loose from my marriage. But new house. New start. New vision. I’m glad for you and your kids that you were strong enough to do it. So many good days ahead.
My only advice is to keep your eyes open to attractions to the same type of person and not overlooking any red flags. Lessons I am learning. This forum and the straight shooting certainly helps!

Amaranth

Great to hear your update FWN. You have come such a long way in a short time. Yours is an inspiring story of hope. All the best.

Bekindalways

Thanks so much for the update FWN. It is good to hear that you are well.

I'm so sorry that your XAH hasn't come around. This is way too common.

Everyone does seem to have a timeline of acceptance. I wonder sometimes how blunt we should be with people. Someone came here a few weeks ago about an alcoholic brother. I was super blunt and not very positive. Perhaps this person will come back or maybe not. It is so dang tough to let these beautiful people drink themselves into their graves. Sigh.

Seren

Thanks for the update, FWN! You sound like you are in a good place

FWN

blunt is best IMO. Although, truly it is not so much about the speaker than it is about the listener, if the listener is not ready to hear with an OPEN mind, soft or blunt won’t matter.
I think most people when they first come to this forum and post their first post desperately want to hear feedback that their story is different, I know I did. But that is not what I got, and I am so thankful everyone here was honest with me and helped me sort through things in my mind.
Because before I came here, left to my own devices I was rationalizing and justifying and going crazy in my head thinking it was me thinking I could help or change anything about him, when really it was me that needed to change. And once I started changing, everything started changing. For the better.

Bekindalways

Thanks again FWN . . . . I suppose I show a bit of my codependency in that I still want to control people and MAKE them do the right thing . . . yep, it really is up to the listener as you said.

With so much hardship around right now it was good to read your story and hear that SR helped.

Nd819

Ugh, this is where I still am, knowing it's me that needs to change, but it's somehow easier to focus on trying to get him to do it.

FWN

You’re right there, on the cusp... it’s once you finally not only realize but truly ACCEPT that nothing you do/say can MAKE them change, you start changing yourself. Even if it is a little things, like you making the conscious choice to disengage from conversations about their drinking at all and instead focus on something for you (a walk, a new book on audible, spending your evening in the bedroom while he stays in the living room, doing things you WANT to do instead of all focus on the other person), those little things are hoping you get to the bigger steps later.

SparkleKitty

More comfortable, maybe, but easier? Not so much, friend.