suncatcher

Yes we will Icemelon! We got this! I know how it feels to want to reach out to him too. In a sense, they are like our "drug". Stay strong! I have learned how to find peace when I get that urge to call and check on him ...take a walk or watch a good movie...do something just for you that might help take your mind off of him even if only temporarily! He will probably be tossing more crumbs your way here soon...they usually always do! Usually when they start to wonder why you haven't been calling! Time to toss another crumb and then the cycle continues but meanwhile we keep getting stronger! Glad you are feeling better ...good days and bad days are normal. We will get there!

Icemelon

Im very up and down and do keep feeling the urge to contact him. I miss his company etc. I naturally hate to fall out with people, it really goes against my nature. How long has it been for you, are you completely out of contact?
Im going to go out today just boring food shopping but anything to get my mind off it all.

Seren

You miss this:

Please do not make someone a priority in your life, when all you are is an option for them. You deserve so much better treatment! You deserve a relationship of mutual respect, kindness, and caring!

sugarbear1

I am seeing a red flag with this statement....." I got drunk and texted him"

dandylion

I think that Sugarbear m akes a good point, in that, alcohol---even one drink can lower our inhibitions---due to the effect on the frontal lobes of our brain---which is the site for judgement and other executive functions. Lord knows that it is hard enough not to contact when we are still grieving---It is all too easy to make a decision when we have had one or more drinks that we wouldn't when we are stone cold sober.
Lol---I know of this from my own experience!

SparkleKitty

It's a time where you are going to have to actively choose to steer your thoughts away from him, IF it is your intent to break your addiction to him. There are a million and one red flags here, logical reasons to cease all contact, delete and block his numbers and emails--but all the logic in the world won't help you if you let your addiction run the show. Accepting this is the way forward to peace. It's your choice now.

Icemelon

Yeah, i guess its my addiction thats the problem. Its worse than drugs really. I shouldnt have allowed myself to lose inhibitions and get drunk myself. Just feels hard when Im seeking solace myself somehow, I sometimes abuse alcohol when Im feeling stressed which certainly doesnt help matters in any way. He plays on that and then says Im the one with the problem and then it gets more confusing. I need a clear head unfortunately whilst I deal with this. Its a sorry situation really, I hope it gets better.
Ive spent time with family today when I felt like contacting him.
Hopefully logic will prevail in time and this cycle will end.

trailmix

He says you are the one with "the problem". That's very vague and means nothing really. He treats you badly, he is rude, unsympathetic, an addict, dismissive and uncaring but YOU are the one with the problem.

Can you see how trying to ever reason with this man is a complete waste of your time. Even if you imagine that he came flying to your door today and said, wow, can't live without you - your life would be just full of this trivial meanness, guaranteed to hurt you and feel bad about yourself, now imagine how that would affect you in, say, 10 years.

The time after a breakup, generally, is always lonely, you are in a new situation and the person you spent a good amount of time with is not there. It takes time to adjust, probably several months, less if you fill you life with other activities that you like.

This is one of those times when playing it forward can be a good tool, no sugar coating though. Instead of well if we got together and he got sober and we bought a house and fixed it up and went on holidays (and he is polite, kind, thoughtful etc etc, like he might be for minutes at a time normally) it would be so great.

Play it forward as it really would be, you home alone while he is out doing crack etc with his good buddies every weekend and tues and thurs as well, while you sit at home. He will roll in around 3 AM, if he bothers to come home at all that night. That's probably what the reality will be, not whatever your hopes and dreams were (which is sad in itself and takes time to get over as well).

Before you ever contact him, think about what it will do to you, realistically.

Icemelon

Thanks again.
He used to come flying to my door when he hurt me, full of apologies and promises. And nothing changed. I just wanted to believe in him. And I guess I fed from it somehow and his attention made me feel better. It sucks but I see that in myself. And now it hurts more because he no longer runs to my door and I know I shouldnt even want him to, as often it resulted in me having to call the police as he was obsessive. And now it seems the tables have turned but I have no choice but to let it go, theres nothing else I can do.
Its a weird feeling but I know he isnt a genuine person. I have my own issues for sure. Yet he focuses on that I guess to deflect his own actions.
How complex and strange people are. I really wish I never got entangled with him as it has always been so unhealthy.
I am learning a lot about myself this year and I dont always like what I am learning. At least I am self aware and maybe it will enable me to break this deeply destructive cycle. I come from a childhood full of emotional neglect and toxic men and I always lived in a state of confusion. I seem to have carried it on well into my adult life.
All of your responses really do mean so much to me.

Icemelon

It is impossible to reason with him, maybe I tried in the wrong ways but i dont really think so. I tried to be plain, I got angry at times, I tried to be sensitive and forgiving. I do see the impossibility of it. Maybe my heart will catch up to my head before long.
The only thing that ever seemed to work with him was ignoring the problems, obviously just a temporary fix. And even then he said I had caused the problems anyway.

Bekindalways

Yep, you can't reason with alcoholics and addicts. Of course we all tried for awhile before realizing it is really silly.

We all have enough of our own problems on which to focus. It isn't fun to turn towards our own crap and really look at it; in many ways this is why we wind up with Alcoholics. They allow us a distraction from our own truths,

Icemelon, at this point in time give yourself credit for getting through the days without contacting him nor drinking yourself. It does stop hurting this badly eventually but it does take some time. Not days nor weeks and sometimes more than months. We are all unique but all capable of healing from this sort of thing.

Icemelon

I managed 6 months and caved, but I dont feel totally back at square one in ways. When I drink alcohol it really clouds my judgement so keeping off that. Hard to face reality, but we must look inwards I guess, thats truly where the answers are. Maybe he will change without me there, and that will hurt too. But only if I let it. I start my new job tomorrow, got to stop living this half life of hope in someone else.

Bekindalways

That is really well put Ice.

I caved so many time with my qualifier that I pretty much lost track. Boy oh boy is human intellect and logic fragile sometimes . . . . well at least mine is.

Keep taking that next-right-step Icemelon no matter how small.

trailmix

I'm totally with bekindalways (who is always so kind and clear, ty bka).

You really must give yourself credit icemelon. When we are trying to do something hard, whether it is learning to play the piano or do a flip, we stumble. We take steps backward all the time, but we continue to plough on because we know if we really try, we will be successful.

So some days will be better than others, you have a new job, this will take a lot of your attention and you will probably find that to be a great relief.

I also like "the next right step", it's handy, especially right now, to ask yourself before you do anything. Before you pick up the phone or a drink or whatever it is you are trying to get away from right now, is this the next best thing for me?

He's not a good guy (not for you or anyone at this point), not relationship material. I also know he must have good points or you wouldn't have stuck with him as long as you did. It may not be because he doesn't care, it may be that this is ALL he is capable of, this stumbling around, going on a bender, trying to patch things up with you, with his job with whomever he owes money to - whatever the case may be. It seems illogical, if you like/love someone you want to be around them and treat them nicely right? Well yeah. But he cannot do that, this is his best right now.

You deserve a good relationship, you really do.

Seren

Good luck at your new job tomorrow! I hope it goes really well.

Icemelon

So appreciative of all of everyone's advice. Had a good day at my new job. I work in health care and I know I cant continue as I have been, I cant let all this affect my work. You guys have been so supportive and more interested than my so called "boyfriend" or ex, whatever he is.
Just going to keep going on and keeping busy, hopefully it will take my mind off things.
Need to value myself more and stop being his "option". I have other options myself but I am just not interested. Will just be on my own for a while again I guess.

trailmix

I would suggest you call him your "ex", plant that firmly in your mind if that is how you are going to proceed. Doesn't mean you don't care or you don't wish it were different.

Taking some time away from dating and relationships is a good idea, will help you to build your self esteem back up and give you some peace of mind to get on a firmer footing. The longer you are out of contact, the clearer you will be.

Your kindness and caring is a great attribute, just know that it is also a good idea to always (always!) protect yourself and your feelings.

Icemelon

I do wish he was different, but the fact is he has no empathy for me, on drugs or not. I wish he could see what others seem to see in me, but wishing wont change anything. He is really nothing special in the grand scheme of things, I hope I begin to truly see that in time. I have been reading my previous posts, ugh, has gone on for so long.
Im sorry that others have had to go through all this too, its not nice at all.

Bekindalways

Yeah, this is not a club you want to belong to . . . . however we all wind up with a certain wisdom and understanding that we didn't have before meeting our qualifiers.

Even without my qualifier, I was going to have to deal with my lack of boundaries and self-awareness sooner or later. My qualifier was just one way to do this . . . sigh . . . well on to the next right step for me which is . .

clean the bathroom floor, get my aged father to drink water and reconcile another credit card statement . . .y'all might have bigger next-right-steps than I have but this is how I roll specially during the armpit of the day around 3 pm.

Icemelon

Yeah just keep yourself busy until you get tired enough to sleep. Hope it gets easier for you too.
Fill your life with other things even the mundane.
I guess I dont really miss being lied to and abused anyway. Guess we shouldn't let them even have our headspace. it's so not worth it.