Icemelon

thanks so much for taking the time to explain everything and get my head a bit clearer. I feel better today. Got a new job and been for a spiritual energy therapy session. Feel like a weights been lifted. The therapist showed me a few self help mechanisms like EFT and I definitely feel more focused. Im going to stay away from him this time and concentrate on my own health and wellbeing. I deserve better.

trailmix

You're welcome and I'm so happy to hear you are feeling a bit better today! It will get better and better (some days better than others, but you are absolutely on the right path).

I'm glad you had those two sessions today, hope you have booked for more of both, self care is absolutely so important.

Wastinglife

What I can add to your situation is that drug/alcohol addiction can change a person from what they would normally be.

The nicest person could become something different. I had to get professional help so many times.

Icemelon

I wonder if he is a bad person and purposely hurting me though, and his persona he presents to me is fake. Its strange and confusing. He never goes for professional help just throws himself into his work now apparently and that stops him using. Im so used to lies from him though. It does seem hes made it obvious he just doesnt give a crap about me, but he seems like he does when were together its weird.
Well at least I got my new job sorted and trying to take care of myself more. Just going to go back to no contact again I suppose, this new contact we have had clearly hasnt helped.
Just feels sad because when we did meet up he said he was smiling all week afterwards as he was so happy to see me. But Ive explained how hurt I feel by his actions and it does no good whatsoever so I must learn to shut up and move on.

SparkleKitty

What he is is an addict. There really isn't a bad or good involved with that. Active addicts leave a lot of collateral damage in their wake, you included. I know how difficult it is not to take this personally, but he is wrapped up in something way bigger than himself, than you, or your relationship. It is not a reflection on you. He is unable to deal with his own feelings without some kind of numbing substance, he really cannot reasonably be expected to be able to deal with anyone else's. That doesn't make him a bad person or you an unworthy one, but it does make him someone who you maybe shouldn't be in any kind of relationship with right now.

Icemelon

Yes you are right. I guess I do understand that. I doubt he will ever change really, I have just been swimming against the tide. I think he sees drugs as fun, he does it to unwind so he says. Every part of his life has to have something to do with them. Im not even anti drugs, but obviously a line needs to be drawn somewhere.
I found out he was messaging his ex also, apparently to get a reaction out of me but Im not buying it. He has done this before, apparently to wind me up. I play into his hands everytime. Whatever he is, I cant be around him at the detriment of my own mental health. Ill get there eventually just keeping a low profile and trying to get on with my own life.

SparkleKitty

An addict will tell themselves and everyone around them that they "see drugs as fun" and they just do it to "unwind" right up until the moment they lose everything for the sake of them.

Icemelon

Hes already lost his son from a previous relationship, never kept a girlfriend, various homes etc. Now his family have rescued him and got him sorted with another place, job etc. He never seems to hit rock bottom or learn. Maybe one day, maybe never will it happen.

trailmix

As fun - maybe, but is there such a thing as a happy addict? I've never met one. Those drugs take care of things for a short time only, block out bad feelings, insecurity, whatever someone is dealing with.

You mention him messaging his ex to get a reaction from you. That's pure manipulation. How else will he get you to stick around?

This connection to him is just not a good one. Drugs will always be first, as you have experienced. Men and women leave their wives, husbands, children and babies for alcohol and other drugs. His priorities are (probably):

Drugs
Himself
Work
Drug friends
Everything else, including you and any other relationships (non-drug friends, family).

That's not fair to you and not what you want I'm sure?

I said this before but I will repeat it because it is so important - He doesn't have a problem with his drugging, you do.

He is an adult and has the right to drug himself as often as he likes. You don't like it and that is your right but the only person you have control of in this mix is you, so if that is your boundary you are the one that will have to separate yourself from him.

You know, another thing to consider is that you have never really known him "sober", his attempt at getting clean may not have even been a real thing, could have been another manipulation for others (like his Mom who mortgaged a house), you just don't know, but what you do know is after only seeing him 2 more times, he was off on another bender, putting his job at risk.

Should he ever decide to quit drugging, that is a LONG process, once he quits there will be, at the very least, a good year to get himself straight and then who knows how long to unravel the mess he has made. People don't change that quickly, plus remember this is his lifestyle, this is how he lives and he seems to be well entrenched in it.

I know it's disappointing, I'm sure you had hopes.

You might find this thread helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...r-3-years.html (Trying to understand...breaking up after 3 years)

To find more threads by Abandoned80, just go to her profile (by clicking on her username) and click on the Statistics tab, there you will see a link to

• Find all threads started by

You can use that method to see more threads started by anyone.

Icemelon

Thanks again for being so in depth.
You are exactly right, I think his new found zest for work is all part of the illusion he maintains as well as a way to facilitate more drugs. Though his mum is holding onto his money at the moment but I guess well just see how it lasts. He certainly is entrenched in it, sells drugs sometimes or acts as some sort of runner. His younger brother is also a drug addict now, no doubt thanks to the people he has been introduced to.
I realise I have tried to delude myself these past few years, but I always knew deep down what was going on.
It hurt to find out he was contacting the ex, he really likes to twist the knife. I did react and went a bit off at the deep end initially, which I regret but hey ho. The fact that I fell for the manipulation yet again makes me feel a fool, which I know I am not really. However, at this point I feel more repulsed by his actions now I have had time to simmer down.
I dont even know why he likes to keep me hanging on a string as we quite literally never see each other.
I have never really seen him sober long term, there are just short interludes of sobriety it seems. He is 37, has been on hard drugs since his early twenties or even teens, so his brain is likely damaged long term. He paints an illusion which seems to suck everyone in, but I do actually see it for the manipulation that it is all it really is.
Im feeling somewhat calmer about things for the time being. He didnt contact me for almost 6 months before, all this new contact was my own doing really. I guess if we keep doing the same things we can not expect a different result.

dandylion

Icemelon-----I would like to ask you a question---as I am so curious as to what your answer might be---lol.------if you will indulge me---lol.
When you were a little girl, what kind of relationship/marriage did you dream about? Like---what would your partner be like---how would he treat you and what kind of home would you form together? How did you think you would feel in your "future relationship".

Icemelon

Always hoped for a rock star or something haha...seriously though, just someone who I felt at peace with and a nice easy going relationship. Someone to share interests with, travel etc.
I guess I got the rock star in a way missing a few key components.
He rang late last night, I just let it ring.

velma929

"The person who cares the least about the relationship has the most power."

trailmix

I really like Dandylion's question! Funny you know, being a rock star probably almost always has a huge downside, as you know.

Just like being in a relationship with an addict. Whether alcohol or other drugs, they can be charming just like anyone else and can be the life of a party and why not, when they are that high.

Being around someone where you don't know what's going to happen next - a party a bar, karaoke or hey, let's fly to vegas, can be fun and exciting, but only in small measure and only if you aren't attaching your life dreams to it, because it is dark and erratic and unreliable and soul destroying in the long run. No one wants that in a relationship.

Although at least with a rock star you can probably have your own wing in the house lol

dandylion

Icemelon----I think that one thing that may be going on with you is that you have not completely grieved the end of the relationship---the loss of what you wanted the relationship to be. We always grieve the losses of those things/people that we have invested our time and dreams and parts of ourselves into. We even grieve and miss the things that we have become familiar and used to in our lives. lol---we can even miss our enemies, when they are no longer around (lol--in a twisted kind o f way).
Grieving is a process and it includes many different stages and a wide range of emotions and behaviors. If the loss is great---like yours is---it is measured in months and even a year or more, depending on the person and circumstances. There is no way around it---the shortest way is through it, Actually, grieving is the first stage of healing----As time passes and our future unfolds, healing DOES come.
Not doubt about it----it can be a very painful process. Often, painful beyond words. We all hate it---at least, I have, yet to meet one person who likes it--lol.
We are wired to grieve----and we are wired to heal, thanks to Mother Nature.
Also, if can become a time of tremendous growth and learning. In fact, some of our most lasting lessons can come out of times of crisis and pain.

take it easy on yourself----you may be expecting too much too soon, Expecting that something is wrong if you are not feeling free of all of the discomfort and pain this soon. ??

Icemelon

Thanks. I think that is what it is, I have been refusing to see things as they really are. For a long time.
I feel a bit bloody stupid now, he was on my mind when I saw that missed call from late last night and texted "you rang, is all ok?". Wish I hadnt , as he didnt reply. Not sure why I do this to myself. I guess he was just seeing if I would answer, his usual manipulation game. At least I didnt call him I guess.
It always feels like its finished then never really over somehow. I wish it didnt hurt so much to let people go. I still keep going back to the fact maybe he is just throwing himself into work and not drugs... but i guess I know he has been taking drugs anyway. I need my mind to stop the cycle. Hopefully it will some day soon. I know what you are all saying is right I just need it to sink in properly.
I went out into nature today, that always makes me feel better.
And I think Ive always been attracted to bad boy types hence the rock star thing haha.

SparkleKitty

Well, you have an opportunity here to really finish it without that feeling of it never being over. You can block his number and his email. This will take back a good deal of the power that you have given away.

suncatcher

Icemelon

It's tough for sure. I guess we can only be kind to ourselves no point in beating yourself up. Though it is hard.
I feel a bit stronger today, but or course its very up and down. He never got back to me. Luckily my pride prevents me from calling. Least I still have a little.
Just have the feeling that I want to talk to him, see how hes doing but I won't.
Its these crumbs that keep us hooked in. Intermittent reinforcement is the psychological term, I think. It's like a drug in itself.
Crazy to think he is in no way analyzing the situation as I am.
I really do appreciate everyone's support, it's so helpful to be able to talk with people who understand.

Icemelon

And the best of wishes to you too Suncatcher. We will be ok.