New and lost
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Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 48
New and lost
Hello everyone. I’m new here and wanted to introduce myself and my situation.
My husband (H) and I have been married for 3.5 years. No children but he has a son from a previous marriage who is with us 50% of the time.
I didn’t realize alcohol might be a problem for us until more recently. But we’ve had serious problems off and on for about 2 years (I can see the seeds earlier when I look back).
A couple of years ago, in a period of high stress, H started to have rage episodes. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I sought therapy and help and realized he may have Borderline Personality Disorder. Things came to a head, he got help, and things calmed down.
Things at his work started to ramp up and he dealt with more and more stress. I noticed he was drinking wine more and more. A couple of glasses every night doesn’t seem like much, but he was on meds for anxiety and depression, was typically not eating until dinner, and it was having an effect on his mood and behavior.
He became worried himself and talked to his doctor, then got rid of all the wine in the house. He also sees a therapist.
All that sounds good, but it’s still a problem. I began to notice that he was drinking away from home. He’d go out to work or running errands, would be gone longer than usual, then I’d start to get passive-aggressive texts, followed by angry phone calls before he’d finally get home in a rage.
He has blackouts where later he can’t remember what he did or said. Several times he’d tell me he’d been fired, only for me to find out the next morning that that wasn’t true. I now have a hard time believing anything he tells me.
He also tends to make zero sense or make bizarre claims — like telling me his lawyer had a PI watching our house, so he knew my sister had been over (she hadn’t).
a couple of weeks ago, the morning after one of these, I went to take the garbage to the curb and saw his car was in the driveway instead of the garage. I checked to see if it was locked (it wasn’t) and saw an empty beer can in the driver door pocket and and empty six-pack carton in the back seat. He purchased it that afternoon. I suspect he drank and drove.
A week after that, I found his stash of hidden single-serve wine containers hidden in a closet.
He knows there’s a problem. He knows I know. But it’s still going on. I feel like I should let him know I’m aware of the secret drinking, the driving. I tend to be stern when we address these things, but then let him off the hook and give him chances. It’s clear my approach hasn’t helped. And while I have a therapist, I feel so alone. I can’t tell anyone about this because it could damage family and friend relationships.
I vacillate between hurt, fear, frustration, anger.
i hope I can find support, advice and understanding — and give the same in return.
My husband (H) and I have been married for 3.5 years. No children but he has a son from a previous marriage who is with us 50% of the time.
I didn’t realize alcohol might be a problem for us until more recently. But we’ve had serious problems off and on for about 2 years (I can see the seeds earlier when I look back).
A couple of years ago, in a period of high stress, H started to have rage episodes. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I sought therapy and help and realized he may have Borderline Personality Disorder. Things came to a head, he got help, and things calmed down.
Things at his work started to ramp up and he dealt with more and more stress. I noticed he was drinking wine more and more. A couple of glasses every night doesn’t seem like much, but he was on meds for anxiety and depression, was typically not eating until dinner, and it was having an effect on his mood and behavior.
He became worried himself and talked to his doctor, then got rid of all the wine in the house. He also sees a therapist.
All that sounds good, but it’s still a problem. I began to notice that he was drinking away from home. He’d go out to work or running errands, would be gone longer than usual, then I’d start to get passive-aggressive texts, followed by angry phone calls before he’d finally get home in a rage.
He has blackouts where later he can’t remember what he did or said. Several times he’d tell me he’d been fired, only for me to find out the next morning that that wasn’t true. I now have a hard time believing anything he tells me.
He also tends to make zero sense or make bizarre claims — like telling me his lawyer had a PI watching our house, so he knew my sister had been over (she hadn’t).
a couple of weeks ago, the morning after one of these, I went to take the garbage to the curb and saw his car was in the driveway instead of the garage. I checked to see if it was locked (it wasn’t) and saw an empty beer can in the driver door pocket and and empty six-pack carton in the back seat. He purchased it that afternoon. I suspect he drank and drove.
A week after that, I found his stash of hidden single-serve wine containers hidden in a closet.
He knows there’s a problem. He knows I know. But it’s still going on. I feel like I should let him know I’m aware of the secret drinking, the driving. I tend to be stern when we address these things, but then let him off the hook and give him chances. It’s clear my approach hasn’t helped. And while I have a therapist, I feel so alone. I can’t tell anyone about this because it could damage family and friend relationships.
I vacillate between hurt, fear, frustration, anger.
i hope I can find support, advice and understanding — and give the same in return.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Stany------attending alanon meetings would be a good first step for you, I think, There, you will find understanding beyond mere words.
I suggest reading "Co-dependent No More" if you haven't already. It is the most recommended book on this forum. It is an easy read and I believe that a lot of it will resonate with you.
We have an excellent library of articles on the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones. Over 100 articles written by those who have been in your same shoes. Enough for you to read one every single day.
It is in the stickies---above the regular threads, on the front page. I am giving you a link to the Classic Reading section of the stickies----for your immediate convenience.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I suggest reading "Co-dependent No More" if you haven't already. It is the most recommended book on this forum. It is an easy read and I believe that a lot of it will resonate with you.
We have an excellent library of articles on the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones. Over 100 articles written by those who have been in your same shoes. Enough for you to read one every single day.
It is in the stickies---above the regular threads, on the front page. I am giving you a link to the Classic Reading section of the stickies----for your immediate convenience.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Join Date: Jul 2020
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Posts: 918
I feel for ya - I do.
What I would do is gather all the physical evidence, hopefully you still have it, place it in front of him, and tell him that something has to change - immediately. It's totally within your right and expectation to not want to nor have to live like that with someone who won't control his alcohol consumption.
Please note that I wrote "won't" - not "can't".
You can only control your life. Not his.
Best.
What I would do is gather all the physical evidence, hopefully you still have it, place it in front of him, and tell him that something has to change - immediately. It's totally within your right and expectation to not want to nor have to live like that with someone who won't control his alcohol consumption.
Please note that I wrote "won't" - not "can't".
You can only control your life. Not his.
Best.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 48
Thank you both. I’ll look for that book and sort through the articles. I do have photos and planned to show him those if he didn’t believe me (though believing me has never been a problem). I appreciate your help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Originally Posted by Stany 
Thank you both. I’ll look for that book and sort through the articles. I do have photos and planned to show him those if he didn’t believe me (though believing me has never been a problem). I appreciate your help.
I'm of the opinion that what you say really won't have any impact on his drinking. If he wants to quit, he will. He sought help before and obviously more is needed (like the group support at AA and a therapist).
That said, that's up to him. I would come clean with all you know, the hidden drinks etc, not to set him on the defense and I would state it matter-of-factly as - this is a problem. Not his problem, not your problem, just a problem.
Now the next step is action, his and yours. He is a grown man and he will decide what he will do, that is out of your control. All you need to decide is what is your boundary here? If he takes action will you stay? If he just carries on as he is, will you stay or leave? Those are decisions you need to make and have nothing to do with him. That is where boundaries come in, rather than rules, for instance a rule would be:
"You have to quit drinking and get help"
A boundary is:
If he doesn't stop drinking, I am leaving (or I'm asking him to leave or we are separating in some way or I'm staying regardless).
You can share your boundary with him or not, that's up to you, but since it will have a big affect on his life, it might be good to. But, a boundary is a boundary and is not up for discussion. No need to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain).
See how a boundary frees you? Your expectation of the other person is zero, they don't HAVE to do anything, the next right thing for you is completely in your control.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 48
That makes a lot of sense, trailmix. Boundaries and not JADE-ing are things I’ve worked on quite a bit.
The big work for me now is deciding what those boundaries are in this situation. I love him. I do. And I have a lot of compassion for him.
But the insecurity, the anxiety, the never knowing which husband I’ll have on any given night just isn’t sustainable.
He has big emotions and poor regulatory skills — poor coping mechanisms. He’s gotten into a pattern of using me. When he gets upset or overwhelmed, he dumps the emotions on me. When he’s anxious, he turns to me to reassure, soothe and fix. Some degree of that is normal in relationships. But it’s too much and too one-sided.
Blame is big with him — blaming others people for his problems or for not reading his mind. He likes to blame me for not helping him with things (in other words — taking care of everything and smoothing it all over, like at his job).
I’ve gotten much better at leaving his feelings to him, at stepping back and not making his problems mine. And not getting triggered.
The drinking makes it that much harder. Even one glass of wine has an effect on him. When he’s sober, he’s thoughtful and rational and reasonable. When he drinks at all, he’s irrational, paranoid, angry and delusional. Frightening to see.
I just hope he decides to get (and stick with) the right kind of help. For his own sake.
The big work for me now is deciding what those boundaries are in this situation. I love him. I do. And I have a lot of compassion for him.
But the insecurity, the anxiety, the never knowing which husband I’ll have on any given night just isn’t sustainable.
He has big emotions and poor regulatory skills — poor coping mechanisms. He’s gotten into a pattern of using me. When he gets upset or overwhelmed, he dumps the emotions on me. When he’s anxious, he turns to me to reassure, soothe and fix. Some degree of that is normal in relationships. But it’s too much and too one-sided.
Blame is big with him — blaming others people for his problems or for not reading his mind. He likes to blame me for not helping him with things (in other words — taking care of everything and smoothing it all over, like at his job).
I’ve gotten much better at leaving his feelings to him, at stepping back and not making his problems mine. And not getting triggered.
The drinking makes it that much harder. Even one glass of wine has an effect on him. When he’s sober, he’s thoughtful and rational and reasonable. When he drinks at all, he’s irrational, paranoid, angry and delusional. Frightening to see.
I just hope he decides to get (and stick with) the right kind of help. For his own sake.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Stany, and Welcome:
I'm glad that your husband sees a therapist. That is a helpful start. Still...
This can't be easy to live with for you at all. Have you thought about at least seeking in-person support for yourself? Is it possible for you to leave or end the conversation when he's raging? Although you may not want to think of it this way, it really is abuse he is dishing out. You in no way deserve to live with that.
I hope you will stick around and read/learn/ask questions all you need. You've found a great community!
I'm glad that your husband sees a therapist. That is a helpful start. Still...
But the insecurity, the anxiety, the never knowing which husband I’ll have on any given night just isn’t sustainable.
He has big emotions and poor regulatory skills — poor coping mechanisms. He’s gotten into a pattern of using me. When he gets upset or overwhelmed, he dumps the emotions on me. When he’s anxious, he turns to me to reassure, soothe and fix. Some degree of that is normal in relationships. But it’s too much and too one-sided.
Blame is big with him — blaming others people for his problems or for not reading his mind. He likes to blame me for not helping him with things (in other words — taking care of everything and smoothing it all over, like at his job).
He has big emotions and poor regulatory skills — poor coping mechanisms. He’s gotten into a pattern of using me. When he gets upset or overwhelmed, he dumps the emotions on me. When he’s anxious, he turns to me to reassure, soothe and fix. Some degree of that is normal in relationships. But it’s too much and too one-sided.
Blame is big with him — blaming others people for his problems or for not reading his mind. He likes to blame me for not helping him with things (in other words — taking care of everything and smoothing it all over, like at his job).
I hope you will stick around and read/learn/ask questions all you need. You've found a great community!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 48
Thank you, Seren! I do see a therapist myself, which helps. It’s still lonely, though, because I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone else.
A couple of years ago, when things were really bad, I told my parents and sisters what was happening. It was a mistake. My parents have been understanding and supportive but my sisters were upset and, while things have improved, it just led to more trouble. Lesson learned.
It is abuse, I know. Different than it was before. A couple of years ago it was much worse. But listening to the barrage is difficult, even though it’s usually about other people now, not me.
I’ve been trying to find a way to leave these conversations. My therapist has recommended I talk to him in a calm time and ask him how he would recommend I handle it when he gets like that. Not that I have to take his suggestions, but it could open dialogue and if we have an agreement, that could help. As it is, these usually happen at night and start when he’s away from home. Sometimes, I’m home with Stepson and can’t just leave. When AH is home and I try to leave the room, he follows. Anyway, it’s a trick I haven’t figured out yet. But when he gets back from being out of town, I plan to have a talk. If he won’t cooperate or gets upset, that’s kind of an answer in itself.
A couple of years ago, when things were really bad, I told my parents and sisters what was happening. It was a mistake. My parents have been understanding and supportive but my sisters were upset and, while things have improved, it just led to more trouble. Lesson learned.
It is abuse, I know. Different than it was before. A couple of years ago it was much worse. But listening to the barrage is difficult, even though it’s usually about other people now, not me.
I’ve been trying to find a way to leave these conversations. My therapist has recommended I talk to him in a calm time and ask him how he would recommend I handle it when he gets like that. Not that I have to take his suggestions, but it could open dialogue and if we have an agreement, that could help. As it is, these usually happen at night and start when he’s away from home. Sometimes, I’m home with Stepson and can’t just leave. When AH is home and I try to leave the room, he follows. Anyway, it’s a trick I haven’t figured out yet. But when he gets back from being out of town, I plan to have a talk. If he won’t cooperate or gets upset, that’s kind of an answer in itself.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I think your therapist's suggestion is a good one. I have actually used this approach and it was really somewhat successful.
Something like, when X happens and you are Y, I'm not sure how to handle that, what do you suggest, that I just drop out of the conversation? Then you have an agreement. In your case having him agree not to follow you would also be good.
Doesn't mean it works like a charm (of course) because when someone is in Y frame of mind - well it's not all that cut and dried lol - but still, it makes them aware and you have a plan, that's a good thing. Ideally the person is self aware enough to know that this needs an agreement.
A few other things I took from your posts. If your parents were understanding, maybe speaking with them again will help you, if they agree to keep it between you. His secret is not yours to keep and just makes it harder on you.
Also, alcoholism is progressive, so is the stress you are under. Do you ever wonder how much you can take of this? It won't always be this way, his drinking (if he chooses not to quit) will progress, as alcoholism does, your capacity to handle the mental abuse is not infinite, how much can you take? Well you won't know until you can't take it anymore and your mind says enough! I truly hope you won't let it get to that point and I am so glad you have a therapist you can speak to.
Something like, when X happens and you are Y, I'm not sure how to handle that, what do you suggest, that I just drop out of the conversation? Then you have an agreement. In your case having him agree not to follow you would also be good.
Doesn't mean it works like a charm (of course) because when someone is in Y frame of mind - well it's not all that cut and dried lol - but still, it makes them aware and you have a plan, that's a good thing. Ideally the person is self aware enough to know that this needs an agreement.
A few other things I took from your posts. If your parents were understanding, maybe speaking with them again will help you, if they agree to keep it between you. His secret is not yours to keep and just makes it harder on you.
Also, alcoholism is progressive, so is the stress you are under. Do you ever wonder how much you can take of this? It won't always be this way, his drinking (if he chooses not to quit) will progress, as alcoholism does, your capacity to handle the mental abuse is not infinite, how much can you take? Well you won't know until you can't take it anymore and your mind says enough! I truly hope you won't let it get to that point and I am so glad you have a therapist you can speak to.
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That is something I ask myself: how much can I take?
It’s easy to get complacent because when he’s at baseline, he’s so reasonable. But I know now that I can’t let things go just because times are good. We’ve had a rough go followed by honeymoon before so I know firsthand how transitory things are.
His job was a major source of stress. That’s no longer an issue now. But there can and will always be something that could flare up and send him spiraling again. The key is him learning how to handle things better.
It’s easy to get complacent because when he’s at baseline, he’s so reasonable. But I know now that I can’t let things go just because times are good. We’ve had a rough go followed by honeymoon before so I know firsthand how transitory things are.
His job was a major source of stress. That’s no longer an issue now. But there can and will always be something that could flare up and send him spiraling again. The key is him learning how to handle things better.
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Stany------as the alcoholism progresses, as it always does unless the alcoholic adopts an alcohol-free lifestyle for the rest of life (alcoholism is not cured---just kept in remission)-----the periods of good will grow shorter and the outrageous behavior will grow worse. This is the normal progression of alcoholism.
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Originally Posted by Stany
The key is him learning how to handle things better.
That leaves looking at yourself, your boundaries and how much you are willing to take.
I also wondered hmm I wonder how much stress a person can take? Well I did find out and that became panic attacks, anxiety, depression that went on for years. I did extricate myself from the situation (this took several years, alcoholism wasn't even involved) and I am ok now, I will never let myself get to that point again.
So how do you keep yourself from reaching that. You take care of yourself.
He has big emotions and poor regulatory skills — poor coping mechanisms. He’s gotten into a pattern of using me. When he gets upset or overwhelmed, he dumps the emotions on me. When he’s anxious, he turns to me to reassure, soothe and fix. Some degree of that is normal in relationships. But it’s too much and too one-sided.
You are not your Husband's keeper? He is responsible for himself, his feelings, his actions, even if his coping mechanisms, besides alcohol, are non-existent, you cannot be his therapist or psychiatrist.
How are you going to ensure you are ok, that's really the question?
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Very good points and questions.
No, it’s not my role to make sure he gets the help he needs.
Honestly, I’m not the best at self-care (that’s probably not unusual here). I tend to not have a lot of problems. Things rarely upset me and, when they do, I vent a little and move on. I don’t let it spill over into other areas. Or start blaming or lashing out at other people. With a personality like that, though, it’s easy for me to push things down and down until they erupt somehow before I even know it’s happening. Not healthy.
I can’t solve his problems for him. I can’t be his rescuer or caretaker. Lately I’ve gotten better about stepping back. I’m a fixer so it’s not easy for me. And he relies on my cooler nature and rational approach to things but that’s not sustainable.
He’ll be the first to admit that he’s very self-centered and tends to take over. If he’s inconvenienced or upset, it’s the most important thing in the world. It’s hard because I don’t look at life that way — at all.
If our marriage were to end, I’d be ok. Sad. Worried for him. Disappointed. But I was fine being single. And I have a big, supportive family. I’m not as sure about him. But that wouldn’t be my problem.
I just need to continue to work on not taking on his problems and letting his moods rule the house — or keep me from doing things I want to do.
No, it’s not my role to make sure he gets the help he needs.
Honestly, I’m not the best at self-care (that’s probably not unusual here). I tend to not have a lot of problems. Things rarely upset me and, when they do, I vent a little and move on. I don’t let it spill over into other areas. Or start blaming or lashing out at other people. With a personality like that, though, it’s easy for me to push things down and down until they erupt somehow before I even know it’s happening. Not healthy.
I can’t solve his problems for him. I can’t be his rescuer or caretaker. Lately I’ve gotten better about stepping back. I’m a fixer so it’s not easy for me. And he relies on my cooler nature and rational approach to things but that’s not sustainable.
He’ll be the first to admit that he’s very self-centered and tends to take over. If he’s inconvenienced or upset, it’s the most important thing in the world. It’s hard because I don’t look at life that way — at all.
If our marriage were to end, I’d be ok. Sad. Worried for him. Disappointed. But I was fine being single. And I have a big, supportive family. I’m not as sure about him. But that wouldn’t be my problem.
I just need to continue to work on not taking on his problems and letting his moods rule the house — or keep me from doing things I want to do.
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