DappledSunshine

After a pretty emotionally exhausting weekend, I've had some realizations that have left me feeling more at peace than I have for a long time. A few nights ago I had a conversation with my AH where he revealed that he felt as if I was trying to control every aspect of his life. He's been sober for a few months now, but hasn't progressed any further than that towards recovery. After an initial impulse to deny that I would do such a thing, I decided to take a hard look at myself and realized that I have been doing exactly that. I've been trying to push him towards recovery, when it's something he isn't ready for.

After our conversation, I told him that if he's going to quit drinking, it has to be for himself and not for me. He hadn't gotten that impression before. It was really scary to relinquish that control, because it felt like I was giving him an opening to start drinking again. I'm still not sure whether that was the right thing to tell him, but I need to keep reminding myself that whether he drinks or not is his choice, and that nothing I say will influence him - either he'll drink because he wants to, or he'll maintain his sobriety because it's something he has chosen to do without my pressuring.

I have read up a bit about codependency before this, but to be honest it was more with polite interest in the concept itself, not because I fully believed it applied to me. What AH said to me made it really hit home though that as much as I am trying to help him, I maybe haven't been doing him any favors and just driving a wedge further into our relationship. I finally ordered Codependent No More and have felt such a weight lift, even though I haven't received it yet. It's a strange feeling to me, that I would be so relieved to realize I am engaging in unhealthy behaviors. But this is something that I can focus my energy on, something that I can try to improve without relying on others. Has anyone else had a "see the light" moment when it comes to being codependent?

SparkleKitty

I have. I remember very vividly standing in front of the utility closet between the bedroom and bathroom, looking for something, and hearing myself tell my XABF that I had been through this all before, with my mother and her alcoholism, and I wasn't just going to stand by and watch him destroy himself, too, while he muttered half-hearted affirmations in another room.

Clear as day, I heard my own voice answer back to me in my head, "Then you'd better let him go, because he's on the path to destruction whether you're standing by or not."

I didn't end the relationship immediately, he had to go to jail and have a whole bunch of other dramatics before I finally did that, but this moment stands out to me because it was the first time I understood that neither his alcoholism, nor my mother's for that matter, had anything to do with me. It was his trip that I had invited myself on and then centered it completely on me. It was, in fact, my ego that had been telling me that I had any influence, control, or power over his drinking--whether I thought of it as "helping" or just saw his drinking as some failure of who I was and what I did.

Once I was able to let go of that ego-thing, my life, my boundaries, my decision-making, and my recovery all got a lot easier.

SmallButMighty

I had several "see the light moments".. it was quite a succession of lightbulbs really... and even now still, every once in a while one pops on and I'm always surprised and then happy to have yet another level of understanding about myself.

My first real acknowledgement of my codependency came as I was actually reading Codependent No More... I didn't have to get very far before the lights came on. I almost didn't read it, the first few paragraphs p!ssed me right off.... (which in hind sight should have been my first clue).. it might have been the beginning of one of the prefaces, I'm not sure, but when she said *I* had a problem..hrrmmmffff... I did not! He did! ....hahahahaha

I am so glad you purchased this book and are looking forward to reading it. It is going to change your approach to life in such positive ways. You've given yourself quite a gift. Congrats!

sdpharm

DappledSunshine...my abf is on day 8 of not drinking. I ordered Codependent No More several weeks ago. I immediately recognized myself in that book. It was crazy! I had never thought I was codependent! I, too, have tried to control everything around me. I think it’s an anxiety thing for me.
I’m trying to be supportive of his not drinking, but I keep wanting to give advice. I need to sit back and let things happen. Your post just jumped out at me. I am going through the same!

DappledSunshine

sdpharm - You're right, it definitely sounds like we're at the same stage in our journey. I have the same problem with wanting to give advice. I had never viewed it as being controlling before; I was just trying to be helpful, but I can see from his viewpoint how it would feel like I was trying to take over. I know it's not going to be easy, but I'm hopeful that this change in perspective is what I need to start my own healing. Trying to fix someone else's problems is just too emotionally draining. Sending love and strength your way!

Stany

I’m another one who gives too much advice. AH told me the other day that he appreciates it but it can come across as lecturing. I can definitely see what he meant and reading that others here do/struggle with the same thing is enlightening!

suncatcher

I have been reading a lot of books on co-dependency and I am trying to work the steps to overcome it but it is a journey! I still find myself hanging on to my relationship with my ABF even though I have distanced myself or detached with love for the most part. I have realized I can't change him or control what he chooses to do (drink). I can only change myself and work on my own issues. But I do understand what you are going through. It is not an easy road. Reading Codependent No More is a huge step in the right direction! There is a lot of support in these threads also! Being self aware is the first step, then you can build from there! 🤗