1sunshine2

Its 8:27 pm and I seem to have made it so far today without a tear. I went to work, went to lunch with a girlfriend, and went to work out. Stopped to see my mom after work for coffee and to see how her day was. And now home, showered and built a fire in the fireplace. I feel a little more peace inside today. All that work yesterday probably got some of the stress worked out of my system. I can't believe what huge logs I can carry and how many in a pretty short time. I called the Alanon phone number last nite and asked where the meetings are. It seems there is one tomorrow nite and one on Wed nite. They aren't very big groups tho. 12 approx on Wed and about 15 on Tues. I don't think I want to walk into a small room of people. I would rather blend into a big crowd. Where no one would notice I am there. I am not into sharing my face and feelings with face to face people. My face tells everything about me without so much as uttering one word. And I do get teary very easy over this. So I think I am not going to go there. I am just not ready for people to look at me with sad eyes. I don't want to have to explain anything. That is selfish of me I know it is. But I just can't talk to anyone, I am ashamed I think. My mom has been married three times. And now is 65 and single. I sort of made a pact with myself that I would never get a divorce. I would honor my committment no matter what. I see that I am tetering on breaking that promise to myself, and however lame a promise it was, it's still a broken promise and I can hardly stand it that I am getting ready to fail at my marriage. I know that is full of something goofey, it sounds goofey to me. But I am sort of stuck on that. My mom said the word divorcee and I thought I would panic. I didn't. But only coz I stayed quiet. My feelings are the same, I can not live another minute in the house of pain. But **** this just sucks. Okay that said....I have a question. My husband and I are married, he lives with his mom. But in jail for another week yet because of his second DUI. We have two cars, both loans are in both names. But his car is titled to him and mine to me. He lost his job. Is there any way I can get my name off of his car loan? Coz if I don't, and I don't make both his car payment and mine, his will get reposessed and my credit will get goofed up right along with his won't it? And if I do pay his car payment then I am taking care of his responsibility. The same goes with the car insurance. If I dont pay both of ours then the loan company will put their own on his car and crank up the payment to cover it. What the heck, am I going to end up paying his bills to keep from ruining my credit? Is that how that will work?

JessicaNAJ

There are about 6-10 people in my Al-Anon meeting. I was really uncomfortable the first few times there. But I found comfort in knowing that they've been where I am. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

My parents also divorced and I vowed to never put myself, my spouse, or my kids through that kind of pain. I too felt as though I was failing at my marriage. But now I know, in my heart, I that I did everything I could to save it. Now it's up to him to prove to me that he can make good on all the hopes and promises he's filled my head with. I gave until I couldn't give anymore. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU DIDN'T FAIL. YOU DID EVERYTHING YOU COULD. You don't have to decide to divorce your AH until you are ready or at all for that matter... But you do need to find peace. You take your time. As they say in Al-Anon, One Day at a Time.

1sunshine2

I realize now that jumping right back into the same old habits once the promises start that, that's doing the same old thing. So let's say for the sake of being positive, that he comes out of the Dui jail and rehab program they are mandating which is 8 weeks. When do you know it's okay to get back into the relationship. Because right now I am having no contact at all with him. Not that he is contacting me from jail, because he hasn't called once. And it did feel like what the heck, at first. Then I remembered that, that is part of the deal. The cold silent treatment. I think he must believe in the cliche absence makes the heart grow fonder. And maybe that is true, when the other heart isn't an alcohol soaked sponge. But I am just thinking that if he does go through rehab, without drinking, that then I will be faced with another hurdle, when to allow contact again. Right now tho, no contact seems to be working alot better than when we did talk to each other. That was him dialing our phone number, with a beer in one hand, and holding the receiver while I do the talking. In fact the last call he said " I just want to know what you will accept." It sounded to me like what's the bare minimum I have to do before you will allow me to come back and screw with your head some more. I know there are no lesson books for this, but good grief, when do you trust your gut again? I have been ignoring my instincts for so long, I hope I still have some.

Hangin' In

Sunshine,

My heart goes out to you because I know it's hard, so hard. And you know what? You fit in on this board like it was made for you. And if you give Al Anon a chance, I have a feeling it will be the same there, too.

First off about the meetings. You don't have to say a word, not a single word. Just go, listen. You'll hear things like you are reading here, people going through the same thing you are going through. People with questions, wondering what they should do. People who want to make decisions so their lives will be better. I was like you, scared to death to go to a meeting. I mean, what would those people think? But guess what? They are happy when a newcomer walks in the door for they know you can find help and the road back to sanity and peace in that room. So please think about going. NO one in that room should judge you. You will all be in the same boat. Heck, we're all in there to help ourselves get better. We learn we don't have time to judge anyone else if we're taking care of ourselves and doing what is best for us. Honestly, I am so thrilled when I see a new person walk through the doors of our Al Anon room for I know they can get better by working the 12 step program. So please, consider going. And if you cry, guess what? They've seen plenty of people cry. They've probably cried too. I've cried and my Al Anon friends have just hugged and loved me.

As far as wondering what to do down the road. Well, forget that. Try to stay in today for none of us knows what tomorrow will bring. Just do what is good for you today and when and if he stays sober or he drinks, you can decide then what you want to do. But don't spend time today worrying about tomorrow. That is a waste.

And when will you trust again? Just from my experience, it takes a long, long, LONG time. There is no magic formula nor time frame. The longer you work on your recovery, the better you'll get at handling all that comes with living with an addict, the trust issue being one of those things.

And you are NOT a failure. You've married an addict and it is HIS disease. Whether you decide to stick with him or end it is NO reflection on if you are a success as a person. You must concentrate on doing what is best for you.

And regarding his car, I would not pay for anything that is his. Don't rescue him from the consequences of his behavior. If you're concerned about your credit being affected, maybe you can talk to the company about it, explain what has happened. But if it were me, I wouldn't pay for anything that is his reponsibility. That would be enabling.

Just keep reading here, try Al Anon meetings. And trust me, your gut instincts will come back. The trick will be learning to listen to them and follow them.

Hugs,
Hangin' In