1sunshine2

Oh my goodness...we are in a mess...my husband has been drinking again for about 3 years. He had gone thru Rehab about 15 years ago, and refrained from alcohol the whole time. Some of the time he was just dry. He still had all the other stuff, character assasination, intimidating by emotional withdrawal and all that stuff. so really he wasn't truly sober most of those dry years. Well he thought after all those years of being dry he could drink here and there. Well he could..he could drink here, and he could drink there. And do it until he was totally anialated. The last and most recent drunk was November the 14th we went to a work function of mine...he got so drunk he peed his own pants, and then did not even go to the room and change, just walked around with urinated in jeans.. I was apalled...the next day I went home, he followed behind because we met at the place we went to the work function because he was hunting all that day...he arrived that night at 10pm already drunk. By midnite, too drunk to refrain from peeing himself I guess. And too drunk to go change his clothes. The next day anyway, I left and he said he was right behind me...well he showed up 3 hours later...drunk all over again...I was just way too mad to describe that he had driven an hour home, drunk. I told him I was done with this and he left...he was gone two weeks, we talked on the phone several times, he said he was not drinking and was not going to drink...By the 24th he called and said I haven't been drinking I am not going to drink, and I would like to come home. So I said okay, but I am not going back to living with a drunk...well guess what....I am living with a dry drunk....he is so pissed off all the time...he is doing anything he can to manipulate me into a fight and at first it worked...but then I began to read everything I could get my hands on...but now here's my problem...I am working very hard at not giving into the jabs, and the camoflauged remarks, cos when you say that was mean, he says "I was joking, you take things too seriously"...so I am trying to maintain calm, and just say okay honey, I am sorry you feel that way, but ...whatever...anyway....I was reading some stuff on the computer the other night, and he saw the word intervention, and got a little agitated...I was reading about something else, but he figured it was about alcoholic behavior and interventions, see he went thru rehab and knows what all those words mean...my quesiton is...should I openly continue to read and study and learn and try to help myself. Or do I need to do this all sort of secretly because he will crank up the mean machine if he thinks I am reading this stuff to figure out how to ward off his verbal lashings and stuff...I don't want to antagonise him, but I don't want to not be able to read whatever I want in my own home either...this is nuts...and I can certainly see how people get all tangled up in not being able to figure out what is okay and what's not and all that...I think I am about as tangled up as someone can get....I am just not sure what's okay to do anymore....HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPP.....

gelfling

Hi Sunshine,

You're one of the people who have been through that and done that. And when they relapse, it isn't any easier to cope with.

Eventhough he quit for a period of time, when they start back, they pick up where they left off with the effects of the alcohol. It amazes me that they think they can drink again like a normal person would have a glass of wine at night or a drink at a restaurant. They have this stuff beat into their heads in rehab and know....when sober. But they get into the superman mode and get cocky and manly and "KNOW" there was never a problem. So sad.

You've done alanon and reading for your health, growth and sanity in the past and quitting now would just prove to him "in his mind" that he was right and that he can drink and you don't need to do your meetings because there is no problem.

A few months ago I ran into opposition from my AH. He's a part-time dry drunk. Though getting better. Thank you God!!! Anyway, our son admitted to being an alcoholic too and I knew I had to get help because I didn't, when my AH went into rehab 17 years ago. I knew I couldn't get through all the pain, stress and grief again with help and support.

Our son attends meetings regularly. Did 90 in 90 days and sometimes 2 a day. He's working hard. But Dad won't do meetings. Our son thinks he's still in denial about the alcoholism eventhough he doesn't drink.

I started going to meetings and he questioned my reason and I came right out and told him that I didn't think I could live through the same hell again. I was hysterical and it was then I realized the impact the disease had made on me and what I had been living with all these years. I told him I was going for my sanity and it had nothing to do with him or our son. What he did was his choice. This was my choice. I wanted and needed the support and the people that I could connect with.

It helped me that in the last 4 years I had been in therapy and learned lots and lots there. I think it all came together at the same time (no Koenkidink) here. He now will ask if I'm still doing meetings and I tell him yes and share with him things I learned at my meetings. The opposition is gone. I think it was because he saw I wasn't going to give it up for him or anyone and that it was for me and my sanity.

I hope you can do the meetings. Read what you can on detachment. If it gets too bad, lock yourself in your bedroom or go for a ride. Please don't give up on your recovery. He's going to do what he wants and it really doesn't matter what you're doing.

Hugs, Kathy

Magichappens

I told Mr Magic that I was getting help for me. It's not about him. At first he balked and told me that I didn't need that stuff. He was afraid if I got better and was around "those" people, I would leave. Now he never became confrontational or abusive, but he was manipulative to start with. Once he saw that I was going, like it or not, he started dealing with it. He started going back to AA (something I didn't ask him to do) and started trying to get better.

Denial is extremely powerful. I have heard it all. The excuses, the rationalizations, the justifications. And at the time, I think he really believed what he was saying. Before Al-Anon, he could convince me. When I started going to Al-Anon, I stopped buying the ticket. He didn't have an ally in the madness anymore. Of course, for a while, it was a tug of war. I had a hard time sticking to my guns. I doubted myself, felt confused, and wasn't sure that what I was doing was going to help. Going to meetings and having a sponsor helped me get through it. Talking honestly to someone outside the madness, who had been there, helped me to keep from jumping off the ledge many times.

I am glad that you are here. Try to stick to your guns. It really will get better. And come here with us. It has been a blessing to my recovery to have this forum. Hugs, Magic

1sunshine2

I work for a great company, and I recently got a new company car. I have had 2 other company cars, but this one is very nice. Now of course, my AH, makes remarks that insinuate that I am doing something I shouldn't be with the boss. Each year we have a company party, it is a pretty elaborate party 200 employees, very nice dinner, and dj...and there is alcohol there. My company isn't especially fond of over drinkers, so they give the employees 2 drink tickets. If you want to get totally drunk they aren't paying for it...Last nite my Husband thinking this would throw me into a rage, decided he doesn't want to go to the company party next Saturday, because he doesn't want to ride down there in that car, and stay up till 1am with those people. I told him, we could take one of our personal cars, that's not a problem, and he doesn't have to stay up at all....he wanted to turn it around on me, and so he said, would you rather go by yourself? I said no. He said why not? I said I don't know...then he proclaimed "well I am not going, I can't see anything good that could come out of this!" I said that's okay you don't have to go if you don't want to. And I am releived that he isn't going after the peeing incident the other week. Anyway, the point I am trying to make is he seems to be escalating his attempts at starting a big fight. It is Friday today, and I am sure he is looking at another long weekend at home if we don't figure out a way to get into a big arguement that will justify his going out drinking. This morning he left a check on the table for $50.00 made out to my boss. I am sure that is for his cancelled dinner at the party....my stomach is in knots knowing the weekend is here. and if he doesn't drink, he will be a jerk, and if he does drink he will be a jerk...I don't know how to stop this awful feeling of knotted up stomach...whew...

Truth

it sounds as if your husband is demonstrating lots of dry drunk behavior. was he like this when he had been sober for that long stretch of time? after doing lots of research it seems that some people don't really work the AA program and don't go to therapy and are dry but still don't know how to be happy and feel good about themselves. this is really unfortunate because i'm sure u love him. The only thing u can do now is go to al anon meetings and decide if it is worth it for you to stay if he does not get help with the drinking and with his actions and feelings towards u. you deserve to be treated well and if he cannot learn to do that - u do not have to tolerate it.

prodigal

...he's definitely been pulling a "dry drunk" for all these years. I talked to a medical doctor/psychiatrist about this, and she told me that unless the alcoholic gets beyond the addiction and addresses the problems, there are still going to be problems. I live with it everyday. Stopping drinking is nothing more than that -- and usually ticks off the A because they feel they've made this "grand sacrifice" for you and you're still not appreciative of them not drinking!!! Hell, no - they're still behaving the same old way!!!

Dee at Mt Bully

Dido dido dido--I'm living with a dry drunk to--He told our counselor that we had decided to seperate just to get out of counseling. (didn't tell me) I called to find out why we did not have an appointment and she said OH I thought you two seperated and decided you didn't need counseling. So now I'm seperated sorta and I have an
AH who thinks he's done some big thing because he isn't drinking right now. The good
news is I'm just working on myself and feeling better everyday. Even when he's doing his poor poor me act I can stay detached. It's not easy but it is easier. Concentrate on yourself and keep coming to this sight and read and write. This sight and these
friends help lots--and don't forget alanon.--Smiles---Dee

Cap3

Hey 1Sunshine2,you say ..he still had the other stuff,character assasination,intimidation by emotional withdrawl and all that stuff.So really he was'nt sober most of those years.....I don't want to antagonise him..How can you antagonise him,when he feels,antagonised,anyways,no matter what you say or do..Its,really not about you or what you do.Its directed at you,yes.Misery wants company..When i squeeze an orange i dont get apple, juice out of it.I get orange juice.So,I cannot speak or treat others,contary to what im feeling about myself.,inside..When my hub would start to rip roar to me,i could then see how he feels about himself.His life.His choices.had nothing to do with me.I didnt pet the dog the right way.Of he goes to drink.NOT.He went to drink because that was his choice,and used me as an excuse.Thats all.Insanity..
I cant say enough good things about the al-anon program.Its where i learn what is my part in the scudffles,,etc.its where i learned that his drinking is not my fault.

1sunshine2

Oh my goodness...I am stunned...this weekend my husband opted not to go to my company Xmas party with me. Instead was going to go hunting. Unfortunately the only thing he was hunting for was alcohol...he found it, along with a nice big drunk, went left of center and hit another car. And a DUI..he spent the nite in jail. From 4pm until he finally called home to get bailed out of jail at noon on Sunday. I went to the jail and bailed him out. Which I know I should not have done. I was concerned he would lose his job. Which should not have been my concern since it was his job to lose. Took him to court 3 counties away, since that was where he was suppose to be hunting. And he got 15 days in jail and a 8 week outpatien rehab program. No driving priviledges until all of this is completed. How nice, he probably lost his job any way since he is a semi driver. He came out of the jail with a cocky kind of attitude, said "thanks girls" when my mom and I picked him up. And continued with that cocky, I made a stupid mistake attitude Sunday and Yesterday. Until today, he said I am going to AA, this is my deal not yours, and if I am a raveing alcoholic, there are no guarantees this will not happen again. So if you are looking for answers, the answer is I will live one day at a time, and so I don't know what I am doing tomorrow. I said I can't continue to live like this, and he said "your choice I will leave" when I got home from work he was gone. He left a note, that sounded like this "I know we are no good for each other, and I hope you will find the man that will make you happy, the sooner the better. I will file for divorce as soon as I get my mess cleaned up, unless you need to do it sooner"..I love you forever, hope you find the guy that will give the porch and two nice rocking chairs."
I am so hurt and angry, I can't even tell one emotion from the other. He seemed so mad, it appears that somehow he thinks I did this...I am trying to do what I should do, I guess I have just forgotten what that is....see my husband went through rehab 15 years ago, and was dry ever since. But apparently not sober, because he really hasn't been that great even when he wasn't drinking. He's pretty much totally into what he wants to do, and what he's not going to do...but I think I made the right decision when I said I didn't want to live like this, and didn't ask him to stay when he said fine I will leave....I just need a ton of strength...and am thinking the note was just another manipulation to make me feel bad....I feel like I need to not allow him any contact with me at all. because it will be just more ploys to screw with my already messed up head....

jojo

Sunshine =

I'm sorry that you are feeling bad but maybe he just gave you a gift. It sounds like you haven't been happy with him for a very long time - drunk or sober. With him out of the house it will give you some quiet time to figure out what you really want. I agree with you, his note was manipulative. If you don't want to have contact with him you don't have to. If he starts working on you to come back home you might suggest that it might be best for the two of you to remain apart and talk about things after he completes his jail time and residential treatment

Your head doesn't sound so messed up to me. You sound like you know what you want - it is just tough to go through. It does get easier. I promise. I'm sending lots of strength and hugs your way.

Jo

Magichappens

((susnshine))
I, too, am sorry that things are so chaotic and scary right now. Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting? I know things are confusing and scary right now, but it sounds like you could use all the support you can get. Whatever the outcome, this may be something you might want to look into.

To find a meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting."

Keep coming here. There is a lot of support and people who are or have gone through what you are going through. Browse, post, or reply. It has helped me to gain some strength and healing. Hugs, Magic

1sunshine2

ohhhhhhhhhhh I am so mad at myself...I can't seem to get on an even keel with this whole thing. I have stuck to my guns with no contact. I am having no contact so my emotions won't get sucked back in by the lieing and promising and all. So okay no contact for Xmas no contact for New Years. This is the first xmas and new year in 27 years we haven't been together. Even when some of them weren't great. It must be a pity party in my head. I don't know. Why an otherwise rational person would have one sad feeling over this man and his chaos being gone from our home. He is in jail right this second, 15 days...he called our daughter today, to see how her Holiday was. She cried and said it was great dad, just one thing missing. He told her not to get all bent out of shape it was going to be fine. He told her jail was like being in an insane asylum. And he has had a headache for 6 days. That's how long he's been there. And says it's because he can't smoke. Asked her if I had a boyfriend yet, and what I did for New Years. She told him no, and that I went to Mountaineer with my mom. (a little Casino). he said yeah they have a great new year's party. She said "mom, he's no different, still cocky." I guess we thought jail time would clear his head and humble him...guess not. Anyway I have been having some blue feelings, and trying to push them away, it's not easy. And I seem to want to be alone....trying not to do that too....it's a whole lot of trying trying trying...but now I have been thinking that if he called from jail I would talk to him...can't figure out why my brain is thinking that way...don't know what to do really again....contact no contact.....ugggggggggggggggggg any suggestions???????

wraybear

Enjoy the peace in your home and read books, watch movies, spend time doing things that YOU enjoy! I have been in your situation and I find my peace of mind is much calmer, and things go much more smoothly for me with no contact. When there is contact, I spend several days replaying the conversations in my mind - "what did he mean by that," "i wish I would have said this instead of that" And what happens when I rehash all those conversations, the rollercoaster ride starts all over again! STAY OFF THE ROLLERCOASTER TODAY! Enjoy your time!

Peace!

TinyVoice

YES...BIG suggestion....STILL no contact. Let your daughter talk to him if she must - I would suggest against it for a bit since he inquired about your relationships. In my opinion he has NO right to ask the stupid boyfriend question to your daughter. She does not need to be caught in the middle. (another sign of his lack of self esteem, his shame and relationship trust).

You need time to clear your head. Your deserve that at least. You will not believe how wonderful it will be. No chaos....your mind will thank you. The note was very manipulative...so was the conversation with your daughter.

He's cocky, but not confident and sure of himself. He's very unsure and ashamed and his way of dealing is to act cocky. Coward's way out. He could have KILLED someone. Crossing the center line. Your life and your daughter's could be ruined.

HUGS....you aren't crazy, you aren't weak. You are dealing the best you can with a very very difficult situation. Give yourself LOTS more credit, time to heal and reflect. more HUGS

Hangin' In

I, like some others, would like to encourage you to get involved in face to face Al Anon meetings. You have no idea how much support and wisdom you can get from those meetings. Trust me. I was skeptical and scared to go at first, but getting involved in Al Anon was THE BEST GIFT I have ever given myself. I have a support group who understands EXACTLY what I'm going through. I have friends who can tell me of their experiences and what they did. Then I can decide if any of their wisdom fits my situation and I can decide what I want to do about it.

Please, please find a meeting in your area and attend. I want so badly for you to have some peace of mind and the strength to do what is best for you. Al Anon meetings have helped make me a million times stronger than I ever thought I'd be.

And if it were me, I'd stick with the 'no contact' option. You are still in a very vulnerable state right now. And how totally immature of your husband to ask your daughter if you have a boyfriend. I wouldn't even want my daughter talking to him if he's going to ask her questions like that. But I guess it's making her see the 'real' dad ....sad, but true.

Hang in there. You can do this. Make the decisions that will make your life and your daughter's life better. Think of it this way. If he came back, would your life be happy, better? He might be court ordered for treatment, and he might use that to wiggle his way back into your life (Oh honey, I've been to treatment. I'm all better now.) But you, yourself, admitted you weren't happy for the 15 years he was 'so called' sober.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

1sunshine2

You guys have soooo been there and done that...I can't even believe it. Replaying conversations in my head is about all I do lately. Because I am home by myself so much. And when I am with other people I don't think I am really with them. Sometimes I am. It goes in spurts...doing good totally not thinking of the junk. And then something happens and I am day dreaming and not really in the moment as they say. I know I will be okay, if I can just get there from here. I need to hear other people say exactly what you guys are saying. Keep with the no contact Deb keep with the no contact.....And I guess I have to just live through the floods of emotion. I don't want to have all these emotions is the problem I don't want to feel hurt. It feels lame to have all these upset feelings when someone has just been so crappy. Most people it seems would just walk away and say I am not dealing with you. But me, I have to keep feeling bad about something...don't know what there is to feel bad about. What have I lost? Nothing a big jerk with a drinking problem, I guess that's why I am so stunned at my emotions. I know in my head what is good for me, but the rest of me seems to want to go some other route...I just have to stick with my head, for a change....thanks you guys so much for responding to me. And with such compassion for someone else is something I haven't seen alot of around here.....really thank you very much. Deb

mamasmitty

You are definently going through probably the hardest time in your life. I think all the posts before me have said about anything I could say. Just think that when you come out the other end of this thing, you will be a stronger and happier person. He is a very manipulative person, and you are conditioned to behaving just the way he wants you to! Be prepaired that that will **** him off. When I stopped being the "doormat" personality with my AH, it would really upset him! Consentrate on you and your daughter. We are here for you! (((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))

Hangin' In

Sunshine,

You're not crazy, you're not nuts. You're co-dependent. Find a copy of CoDependent No More by Melodie Beatty and read it. You'll see yourself in the pages of that book and it will help you to get better. Trust me, it will....

I care.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

1sunshine2

of emotion. I got alot done today trying to take care of me and my house and things I need to do before going back to work tomorrow. Took the tree down and some other xmas stuff. Had some emotional moments, and really just sat down and cried a couple times. Got back up, wiped my eyes and continued to plow through. It's been a pretty long day really, and I can't wait to go back to work tomorrow. My daughter suggested I put up some pictures of her dad that were when he was drunk and stupid looking, so I would not forget why things are the way they are. My 26 year old daughter seems to have a great head on her shoulders. I don't want her to feel sad for her mom. I know she has her own sad feelings, and I want to be her big pair of shoulders. I am going to be okay, just like they say in AA I guess, a day at a time. I have to buck up here, I have a life I have to live that includes others besides me. I want my husband not to kill himself so much. I feel like I am almost mourning his death now. That's kind of what this feels like inside. I sure don't want to do this twice. I hope and pray something happens in his head while he is in jail that will make him want to get truly sober. But for me, I have to keep pushing forward, until the day comes I guess that I wake up and my first thoughts are not of him. I am working very hard to get and stay okay with not so much sad feelings, trying not to dwell. But it sure is hard. I appreciate your help and kind words so much there just aren't words to tell you. But you have been helping me, whether you know it or not. Your friend Deb

mamasmitty

Sounds like you are well on your way! Keep checking in here! ~Kathy